Comrades No More!

Our Emperor Prachanda has proven time and again that he is a magician and has unlimited magic tricks up his sleeves. When our experts think that he has lost his way, our great magician comes up with a new trick to surprise us all. 

He had a bromance with Deuba, the same man who had once put a price tag on his head. The only reason for hopping in bed with our Maharaja from Dadeldhura was to help our Renu Didi become the Mayor in Chitwan. Then he switched sides and became besties with Oli so that his party would still remain relevant.  And let us all thank him once again for making his daughter in law a mantri.  

Yes, we need women to be our Mayors and Mantris but there must be more competent and worthy candidates that only your family members. But who cares? As long as the chairman is carrying both the carrot and the stick, it's his way or the highway!

It doesn't matter if you are a Panchey, a Kangaroo or a Maoist or anybody. Nepotism runs deep in our blood and afno manchey still takes center stage rather than ramro manchey. We are still waiting for the day when our politicians finally decide that the best way to take this country forward is by ending corruption and not by taking kickbacks from contractors, asking for extra boras of cash from civil servants for lucrative transfers and promotions and doling out state funds to cousins and cadres. 

We are still waiting for the merger of the two communist parties but it seems that it will take forever for that to happen. Now, our Emperor wants a 50-50 deal instead of what was agreed upon before the election.  

Are our comrades really communists?  Well, they certainly were when they were starting out, fighting against the Pancheys. But things have changed now. Our Emperor needs a big mansion and security tighter than Amriki President because he is so stressed out with all the nataks of the land. Some time ago, he was okay with living with other comrades and eating a few rotis. Now, bidhesi whiskeys and bidhesi agents seem to have taken most of his time.

Look at the UML wallahs. Most of them seem to have interests in our private medical colleges, NGOs and other businesses. Maybe, they seem to have forgotten the commie books they started out reading back in the days. I think it's about time our comrades forgot about Marx,Lenin and Mao. 

Even the Chinese don't really talk about Mao these days. It's the era of Xi now. And Lenin and Marx may be superstars for our commies but the young ones know more about Messi than Pele. And it's about time our comrades honored Puspa Lal, Man Mohan and Madan Bhandari and maybe add one of the late comrades from the Maoist side as well instead of Marx, Lenin and Mao. Why have old late bidhesi budas hanging on the walls of our comrades?

Our politicians talk about foreign interference and what not but are happy with bideshi faces on their walls. Why not have our own folks, who have sacrificed their lives to fight against the system stare at us in disgust from the walls?

Our comrades are also confused about the election symbol. The UML have their 'sun' while our Maoists still want to stick with their hammer and sickle inside a circle. I think our comrades should just consider them opportunists like our Kanagroo, Madhesi and other janjati netas. All our politicians are crooks who only care about how to enrich themselves by looting us all. 

The taskforce assigned to take care of the unity business has put forward the proposal of  having two chairperson, a 33-member standing committee, a 99-member politburo and a 299-strong central committee. 

Why on earth do you need so many committees and so many people  to run the show? It' s just the waste of money as you have to order milk tea and samosas every time, these clowns meet for no apparent reason.  

I think our so-called commies should just get rid of the 'communist' model of standing and politburo nataks and just have a lean, mean working machine. Why not just have a central committee of 165 folks representing the constituencies in the House? 

And thanks to the Maoist, the UML is ready to scrap their own 'above 70' and you are no longer in the driver seat rule! Why do you still want to stick around after 70? It's about time, our young politicians in all our political parties fight against the 'make or break your own rule'  to satisfy a few old men. 

Yes, all political parties should have the '70' rule where once you reach 70, you become a senior mentor and not hold any leadership position in the party. Let the young turks run the show, the old saints should move to Vanarasi or Venice depending on how much you managed to loot from the State.

So let us not get hung up with the 'communist' tag. I think our comrades should just call themselves capitalists instead. Our Emperor seems to have business interests in cooking gas, departmental stores and many other businesses across the country. 

It's not like our communists still live in commune and wants everyone want to work in collective farms. Most of them live in mansions, drive around in luxury vehicles and hold investments in property and businesses. Why are we still being governed by fake communists, socialists and opportunists?  We are all capitalists. Let's not be afraid to come out of the communist closet and be happy with who we really are!

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

The Chief Ministers

Our seven Chief Ministers (CMs) recently met with Oli dai and vented their frustration on not being able to be our Maharajas in the provinces.  Oli has promised full support to our CMs when it comes to giving them the funds, authority and human resources to allow the provinces to run their show.  But Oli knows very well that as a politician, he is better at giving assurances rather than fulfilling the promises he makes. 

Our Mayors think they have the final say in their municipalities. Our Chief Ministers think they get to run the whole show in their provinces while folks at the federal government know very well that they will be running the show and they will make sure to undermine the power of the elected representatives at the lower levels. 

We have no one to blame but our civil servants for this mess. Our hakim sahebs should have done their homework and finalized everything before we had conducted our elections. They should have advised our good for nothing clowns that we need to first build a bridge so that we can cross the river easily instead of jumping into the river, hoping that the strong current will carry us across to the other side.  

We know that our politicians are clowns who really know nothing about governance and rule of law. They are in it only for the money but our civil servants should know better.  After all, these buffoons have been around since the days of the so-called democrats, then the Gyanu Uncle 'Happy Hour' days and now the federal rip-off-the-public show.

Our civil servants are the ones who help our clowns to run the system efficiently but it seems that in our land, our sarkari hakims are the ones who wants to create obstacles everywhere for their own benefit while making our lives miserable. And politicians are ignorant fools who would rather listen to a hakim saheb who can bring some dough rather than the ones who really want to do something good for this country.

Our netas were in a hurry to get done with our local, provincial and federal elections so that they could pat themselves on their backs for getting done with the election nataks. Prachanda and Deuba acted like they deserved a Nobel Prize for conducting our elections. Will they also take responsibility for the failure of the government to provide adequate resources, staff, infrastructure and legal authority at the local, provincial and federal levels?

It seems that our civil servants are still not ready to head to the provinces and carry out their duties. And our provincial lawmakers know very well that they are in a difficult position when it comes to naming the provinces and deciding the capital as well. 

We will see many unhappy folks burning tyres, destroying public property once our provincial government decides on the capital and name for our provinces. Hope, our provinces have enough fire engines and security personnel ready to control the protesters and their violent nataks. 

On paper, our Chief Ministers are almighty and powerful but they are still not being able to misuse their authority to enrich themselves and their cousins and that's what seem to piss them off. Yes, our Chiefs have vented their frustration to Oli for not being able to ride around in new vehicles. 

Our Election Commissioners are riding around in luxury vehicles but our elected representatives who now have the authority to lead their respective provinces have to do with old vehicles for now. Give our Chief Ministers new luxury vehicles and drain a few more Rupees from our State Treasury. And we need millions more to provide housing to our Chief Ministers and his mantris as well. 

Our provincial governments don't even have permanent offices for our Chief Ministers and his courtiers. How long will they be housed in other government offices? We don't even have residences and offices for our mantris. We don't even have a building to gather our provincial lawmakers to decide on the future of our provinces. We don't even know how we will fund the costs of all these nataks? 

We have yet to find a politician who wants to save us a few Rupees. Don't be surprised if our ward chairperson starts to demand a vehicle to drive around their wards to check for potholes. It seems that those in power just want free lunch and make us pay for it. Why can't they pay for their lunch sometimes? Why do our thulo mancheys need luxury vehicles. Fuel and repair costs are high for these vehicles. Why not go green and buy electric vehicles instead? 

Sophia, a humanoid robot was in town and she seems to have higher IQ than most of our politicians. A robot sees lots of potential and possibilities for the people and the country of Nepal.  Maybe, PM Oli should ask the company from Hong Kong to make another robot for the Prime Minister's Office. 

I think it will save us time and money in the long run and the robot will probably give better advice to whoever lives in Baluwatar rather wasting millions on hiring dozens of advisors. 

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Oli's First Month!

It's been a month since Oli became our Prime Monster for the second time and so far, not much has happened in Baluwatar except meeting his fellow cadres and figuring out how to move forward. And we didn’t know that the Pakistanis were great friends with Oli because we were all surprised when the Pakistani Prime Minister decided to visit our country.  

Most of the time, our new PM either visits  India or China depending on their political affiliation. The Kangaroos choose India for the samosas where our comrades want to try some dim sum in Beijing.

Modi is more than likely to become the Desi PM for the second time. And Uncle Xi is now the President for Life in China. And Oli has the numbers to be the Maharaja but of course, our politicians will need more than boras of cash, tax free vehicles and many more to change our constitution and have one person running the show again but we will have live with the fact that a dozen mini-Maharajas will continue to have fun in this land for decades to come!

It seems that the Chinese communists really don’t' care much for our comrades.  If they did then Uncle Xi would at least visit Nepal because he has been running the show for more than half a decade in China and while our Prime Monsters have visited Beijing, we have yet to get their thulo mancheys to visit Kathmandu. 

The last time , we had someone from there was back in 2012 when Uncle Wen was in town and our incompetent government decided to shut down the capital instead of asking us to welcome the Chinese Premier.

We expected Oli to come up with a new project for Nepal every other day but it seems that he just wants to take it slow for now.  When he was our PM the last time around, he had promised us to fit gas lines in our homes and we are still waiting for big cargo ships on our rivers. This time around, we expect more from Oli. Let us send our people to Mars. If we can send all of our politicians then that would be much better!

Well, things do move slow in this land of ours and we might finally get a full cabinet this week after our comrades finally figure out whom to select to become our mantris. Let us not blame Oli and Prachanda for not being able to even get started with a full cabinet for a month. After all, our federal government will not have a jumbo cabinet like before.

And most of our politicians do want to become mantris because they have to ensure a better future for their families. After all, most of our politicians get into politics not to serve the country and its citizens but to serve con artists, cadres and their cousins.

Oli has the backing of two-third majority in the House and Madame Bhandari is once again our President. It looks like Nanda dai will be our VP again. It would have been nice if we had a female Speaker but it seems like Mahara just wants to try his hand at everything. 

One day, don't be surprised if Prachanda asks Mahara to move to Baluwatar as well. I think Mahara is probably the luckiest of all the Meowists out there. And it’s about time our Emperor sent new faces to the cabinet instead of the same old comrades who have already made lots of money for themselves and the party. Yes, give new people the chance to make some money as well instead of just making sure that the same dozen folks get to be mantris again and again.

Oli tells us that he will not engage in corruption and will not allow anyone to make a quick buck as well. Well, all of our politicians tell us that they are against corruption but then most of them misuse their authority to take bribes and waste our taxpayers money on vehicles, security and other chiya kharcha. 

I think it's about time our politicians stopped promising us stuff that they can't fulfill. We all know that our system is corrupt from top to bottom and no one has dared to reform the system that has been in place since the days of the Pancheys.

If we had honest folks like Dr KC leading this country then we could believe that we will have a corruption-free country but we have false prophets leading us to doom. 

Our politicians are wolves in sheeps' clothing and we willingly vote for them hoping for a better tomorrow even though we know very well that only they get to have the fun while most of our folks work in the sun in the Middle East.

Our thulo mancheys are all corrupt. Nepotism rules in this land. Integrity is for losers while those who run the show suck us dry till there is nothing left. Modi and Xi may not be perfect but they have a plan to take their respective countries to greater height. What do our netas have? Nothing except a plan to share the loot among themselves while the country goes broke!

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Madame President

Madame Biyda Devi Bhandari will once again become our President. Yes, our comrades have decided to stick with Bhandari and Pun as candidates for our President and Vice President and they are more than likely to win the election for their respective offices. 

After all, our comrades have most of the votes!  Some of our comrades are not happy with Oli acting like a Maharaja when it comes to making most of the decisions in his party. 

But it’s his show for now and please give the man a chance to lead us to somewhere. Oli is right when he tells us that having Madame Bhandari and Pun Dai from the Meowists for the same positions will save our taxpayers' some money as we don't need to spend millions more for finding new accommodation, vehicles and other chiya kharcha if they moved out. 

That's true but they will move out in five years and we will have to spend millions anyways but saving a few Rupees for now is much better than wasting more. 

The Congressis have also fielded a woman candidate for President as well. It would have been nice gesture if our comrades had decided to support a candidate from the opposition for the office of President but it seems that Madame Bhandari wants to remain in office and enjoy the perks. And we can't blame her. After all, her decision to invite families of Prachanda and other comrades for dinner a while ago must have worked on her behalf.

Jhala Natha Baba wanted to be the President but it seems that Oli and his courtiers have more say in the party than other former Prime Monsters like Jhallu and MaKuNe Dai!  Well, let us not feel sorry for Jhallu Baba because he already gets all the perks for being our former Prime Monster.  

So what does it take to be a President in this beautiful land of ours? Nothing! Our politicians don't have any criteria except that you have to be in the right place at the right time. Dr. Yadav became our President and not Girija Babu. Then we had Madame Bhandari and we will have her for another five years as well. Maybe someday, we will have a President whom we will all look up to and embrace him or her fully and not be blinded by our party affiliation or other prejudice.

But once you become a President then you must not play politics. You must stop acting like a politician and act like a guardian instead. Your job is to make sure that our politicians are not destroying this country.  Yes, some of Oli's own party members are not happy with the decision to field the same old folks for election for the office of President and Vice President. 

Well, the Meowists get the VP and the Speaker quota while the UML gets the President. That's how power sharing works in politics. If one gets to be the Prime Monster then the other partner gets to choose the Home Minister.

After all, it’s not about working for the nation but for working hard to fill the party's coffer and their own bank accounts as well. Well, our politicians don't put their 'black' cash in bank accounts. The cash is used to buy vehicles, land, factories and other companies in the name of their far distant cousins. 

But if our media really wants to do some kind of investigative work and come up with our own 'Nepali Papers'  then all they need to do is to get hold of all the personal aides of our politicians. It's not our Prime Monsters and mantris who truly know how much they have made from kickbacks and other illegal nataks. Their personal aides (PA) carry their black books and that's where all the secret lies.

We have just celebrated Women's Day and it's a good thing that we will stick with a Madame President for now. But our politicians have failed miserably when it comes to other positions of power. Ashta Laxmi Shakya could have become our first woman Chief Minister from Province 3 but Oli and his friends decided to go with another male senior citizen instead. 

Nothing against senior citizens, but it's time our women who are active in their own respective political parties show their strength and demand that our crazy old men give women the opportunity to lead as well. 

If not then how about our women politician quit their parties and form a party of their own. We have tried the same crazy old men leading us and we have failed. Isn't it time we let our mothers, sisters, wives, daughters and girlfriends lead us to the Promised Land?

Our Madame Bhandari will continue to be the chief guest for all the programs at Tundikhel for another five years. I think she should be an example for all of us by cutting down on same old programs at Tundikhel where our government wastes millions of Rupees to watch the same old parades and display by our security agencies. 

Madame Bhandari should also cut down on expenses for the President's House as well. Please don't waste millions and millions of Rupees on new vehicles, new curtains and furniture. Instead, start a 'President's Fund' where millions of folks will receive a chiya kharcha if they meet the required criteria set by the office of President.  

It's about time our government funded programs for our artists, filmmakers, poets, writers, actors and all those involved in creative works instead of doling out funds to their own cadres who only engage in destructive works.

And it's about time the CIAA was under the authority of the President as well. Oli thinks we need a strong Prime Monster to lead us to peace and prosperity. But what this country really needs is a strong President who will act like the Class teacher and not hesitate to call out our juvenile delinquents for their bad behavior and also make sure that they are held accountable for their actions.  

The office of the President is above petty politics. And it would be nice if our Madame President also offered to host a wedding party for one lucky couple every year inside the President's House.  Now that would make her the People's President, wouldn't it?

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

The All-Mighty PM!

Oli now has six folks in his cabinet and let us hope that he will get done with his cabinet expansion natak in the next few weeks. It seems that our so-called top leaders are having a tough time figuring out whom to select as mantris in Oli's cabinet. After all, most of our clowns want to be mantris and make a few Rupees more for the party, his or her family and their near and dear ones.

What about the country? The country can wait. Our government thinks that we should not graduate from the least developed countries (LDC) status to a league of developing nations because we would then get less foreign aid and not get preferential treatment when it comes to trade and other freebies that comes for being poor. 

But if we were to be ranked by the wealth of politicians then we would probably be in the top 20. Yes, our  mantris make peanuts in salaries if we were to compare it with the mantris in Singapore but if we were to add up all the chiya kharcha, state perks and commissions then our mantris make ten times more. 

Yes, it's good to be a politician in this land where even when everyone knows you are corrupt, you still can have it your way and continue to live like a Maharaja!

Yes, we will not have the jumbo-cabinet like in the earlier days but if we add all the folks at the provincial levels then we will be spending billions more to take care of them. And let us not even talk about taxes. We, the common folks will be paying more taxes so that our government will at least have enough to feed our local, provincial and federal clowns.

Our comrades are waiting for the Federal Socialist Forum Nepal (FSFN) to join them and then we will have a government that holds two-third majority in the parliament. Upendra Dai wants to be our Foreign Minister and also wants two more ministries as well. 

After all, it’s all about sharing power and making some dough. We all know that our politicians really don't care much about the country or the people. Once they become mantris, the first thing they do is ask their personal aides to figure out how much can be looted from the ministry's budget. 

Our ministers make money from everything. Our hakim sahebs want lucrative postings, promotions and other freebies. And they need to pay boras of cash to the mantri's personal aide to make it happen. Then, our civil servants work with the mantri's folks to fudge the bills, award government contracts to slimy contractors for commissions and even make money from new government employees. 

Yes, if there is a vacancy for a peon and you are on the top ten list then you better pay a few lakhs to get the job. No wonder, you need Karods to be the main hakim at our sarkari offices. 

And we, the common folks know very well that corruption will not disappear overnight. Our politicians need to make the dough to run their parties, feed their cadres and then win elections next time around. 

Our civil servants need bribes from service seekers so that they can pay off the mantris for promotions and save millions of themselves and their kids as well. Our low-level civil servants need chiya kharcha from us to feed their families because the government salary is not enough to send their kids to private schools.

What about the common folks in this country? We, the people are the ones who vote for our clowns but it seems that we are not in the priority list at all.  It seems that out of thirty million folks, only a few hundred thousand of our sarkari folks matter in this land of ours.

And Oli dai is making sure that the Prime Minister's Office (PMO) play a more active role in issues of foreign policy, national security and financial and economic crimes. 

What that means is that the PMO will now get to interfere in other mantri's domain and also select their near and dear ones as ambassadors, senior police officers and other sarkari hakims as well as make sure that our fake VAT bill byaparis get their matters resolved in Baluwatar instead of running around ministries and even the Supreme Court.

And it seems that our Supreme Court is busy passing verdicts favoring our chor byaparis when it comes to tax evasion matters. Yes, let us thank our justices for inspiring our byaparis to continue to invest black money in this country, make it white and evade taxes if they can provide chiya kharcha to the folks looking into their cases.  

The PMO will also have the National Investigation Department (NID), the Department of Revenue Investigation (DRI) and the Department of Money Laundering Investigation (DMLI) under its control.  Oli will be a busy man meeting byaparis in Baluwatar. 

Don't be surprised if you see our mundrey dons hanging out at Baluwatar as well. After all, our PM had earlier announced that we should let all 'black' money in and make it white for once and then it can be invested in productive sectors in the country.

Oli's experts tell us that they are just making sure that our PM exercises power like those in the US, Malaysia, Singapore, India,China and many other countries. But somebody needs to tell our politicians that we are not like those countries. 

Yes, politicians there are not all saints either but at least, the government does provide basic services to the people there. We still have five years to figure out if we did the right thing by giving our comrades a chance to lead us. 

By 2022, we will either be a prosperous nation or not much will change and then it will be time for the other clowns to lead us to another five years of procrastination and lies.

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com