A Little Less Corrupt!

If we were to believe the report from the Transparency International then we should all be happy that our land is a little less corrupt than it was a year ago. Yes, we are now ranked 122nd out of 180 countries in the Corruption Perception Index. 

We were 131st last year. And maybe in a few years, we will finally be on the upper half of the 'less corrupt' list and even beat our chimekis to be the first 'corruption-free' land in the SAARC region.

But how do these bideshi folks come up with such rankings? Do they visit Nepal and then go to Baluwatar, our government offices and our borders and see if they have to pay bribes to get things done or do they just sit on their desk at home and come up with fake numbers to crunch to calculate our 'corruptness'? 

We don't know but bideshis can rank anything and most of the world believes the rankings. Maybe, folks from this side of the Earth should come up with their own rankings and we can rank the West according to how we view them and not from what we watch on Television. 

Our folks who live in New York can help us rank the folks there and those who are working in the Middle East can rank the place and how folks behave in the desert. Well, that would be the best report rather than believing what foreign organizations and media tell us. 

But Transparency International is not making stuff up. Yes, our politicians and civil servants are the most corrupt ones in this land. And the reality is that our politicians, civil servants and fake VAT-bill byaparis continue to loot us all and it doesn't look like our chors will mend their ways anytime soon. 

First of all, if were to really minimize corruption in this land then the Commission for the Investigation of Abuse of Authority (CIAA) should change its name. 

The CIAA sounds like an organization for former CIA agents who are having a tough time being normal and adjusting to the real world. Why not just name it ' Anti-Corruption Agency (ACA)? And then, we need to have the ACA under the office of the President to make it more independent and not be played around by our netas and civil servants.

Our netas worked together to appoint Lok Man as our anti-corruption chief thinking that they would not come under any investigation but little did they realize that Lok Man, the man who was our Chief Secretary under Gyanu Uncle had other plans. 

Even today, our CIAA continues to catch small fishes while our big sharks continue to enjoy their political career and continue to misuse their authority to loot from our State Treasury as well as from civil servants, contractors and common folks.

We thought that after our local level, provincial and federal elections, we would finally get the right folks leading us all to peace and prosperity. But we were wrong. Most of the folks who are now back in the game are the same old chors, who will bleed this country dry and won't be ashamed of it. 

Our former CEO of Nepal Tourism Board (NTB) is heading to jail for embezzling hundreds of millions of Rupees while in office. But why are our civil servants and mantries heading the concerned ministries not being investigated at all? I think our CIAA folks and our justices should not think of us as fools. 

We all know that almost all of our government agencies submit fake bills and even ask those who win the government contracts to do so or go home. But when our CIAA folks begin their investigation, the byaparis who get the contracts are blamed for all the mess and then only a few civil servants get busted.

We have our former IGPs getting the blame for the so-called 'Sudan APC Scandal' but it seems that the Home Secretary and even the Home Minster then had no clue on what was going on. But our police chiefs cannot act alone without the blessings or pressure from the Secretary and the Mantri. 

And even our former NTB CEO could not have stolen millions and millions of Rupees without making our sarkari hakim sahebs and mantris happy! 

It's the same story with the 'Tax Department' scandal where Chudamani dai helped to steal billions of Rupees. We all know that our so-called top leaders got their cut but it seems that our CIAA folks, our courts and even our police are helpless when it comes to taking action against our 'political' chors. 

Nepal Police seems to be good at 'encounter' nataks rather than going after folks who rape our women and torture children and the elderly. It seems that our gangsters are good at making phone calls to our byaparis and receives millions of Rupees as protection money but fail miserably to protect themselves. 

Why on earth do these criminals get on a motorbike and drive around in the early mornings and then meet our cops and start firing at them, fully knowing that our brave cops will fire back at least a dozen shots and finish them off? Only our cops know the real truth but let us hope that our cops do their work according to the laws of the land rather than acting like 'Rambos'. 

Yes, we need to arrest these criminals and send them to jail but just finishing them off on the streets will only help those in power to causally dispose the gangsters whose services are no longer needed by them! 

Maybe, someday, our police, our CIAA and our courts will find the courage to punish our 'thulo' chors as well. But please, the law of the jungle does not suit our men and women in blue who must be reminded that they have taken the oath to protect everyone and let the courts decide the punishment instead.

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

It's Oli Time!

First of all, let us congratulate our uncle KP Oli for getting to Baluwatar for the second time. Let us hope that he will do what's right for the country instead of only taking care of his near and dear ones. 

Yes, we do understand that our netas have to take care of their cadres and cousins but at least The first thing he should do is tell his brother-in-law to stop acting like the King of Kathmandu and do his job as the Mayor instead. 

Please tell the Mayor to not destroy our temples and turn them into fun parks. Yes, we do need green spaces for our couples and coffee shops, theaters and other recreation facilities would be nice but not inside Rani Pokhari.  How about turning our Narayanhiti Palace into a park , so that it could be our 'Central Park' like the New Yorkers have theirs.  

I think our politicians should not forget our history. We have to thank the late Kings of Kathmandu, Lalitpur and Bhaktapur for our temples. If it weren't for our Durbar Squares in these three cities then our bideshi tourists would not even stay a day in Kathmandu. 

They would just land at TIA and then head to their trekking routes or safari or anywhere outside the valley so that they can enjoy their vacation instead of getting used to Dustmandu! 

And our mayors here think that they are doing us all big favors by turning our national heritage sites into food courts and destroying our historic buildings to build concrete towers.  After all, it’s all about the commissions. Contractors pay big bucks for new construction projects while renovation stuff doesn't make much money for our politicians or anyone involved.

The last time Oli was our Prime Monster more than two years ago, he promised to replace all tuins in the country with safer suspension bridges and even allocated more than 3 billion Rupees. But it seems that nobody really cares about the promises made by our politicians. 

Even the media wallahs don't do any follow ups and the public doesn't care much about what our netas say because we all know that our clowns always over-promise and under-perform.

And this time around, Oli has come up with his six point things to do list in his first cabinet meeting. Yes, thank everyone for making our elections a success. Yes, remember our martyrs both known and unknown. 

And the promise to build industrial zones, sports stadiums, and vocational schools all across the country is possible but will not happen anytime soon because our bureaucrats are always slow and looking for making that extra money instead of working hard to implement the projects planned by our politicians. 

Well, we have to thank Oli for at least appointing a woman to head the Ministry of Women, Children and Social Welfare. Let us hope that Tham Maya Thapa will do her best to make sure that our government agencies work to help our women and children instead of exploiting them. We have heard recent stories about our cops acting like dalals instead of protecting women who have been sexually assaulted. 

Our Nepal Police Chief should take action against such police officers instead of acting like a mute spectator.  We hear that Prakash Dai is a tech-savvy hakim saheb. Why not install cameras in all police stations so that our cops who are there to investigate cases are recorded as well so that they do not have the opportunity to make money by asking the victims to take financial settlement instead of punishing the culprits.

It's about time we ask our men in authority how they can continue to be deaf and blind to the exploitations of women and children? How can they be happy and proud when their daughters attend foreign universities in government scholarships and get access to resources and opportunities here and abroad while majority of our women still face obstacles in every step of their lives?

And once again, our hero, Lal Babu Pandit is a mantri. I hope Pandit will do a good job as our minister for Environment and Population. The first thing Panidt can do is go after all our contractors who think they can just dig our roads in the name of Melamchi Water Project and leave big holes and make our streets dusty for weeks and months. 

We need more walking spaces in the valley, not big wider roads. We need more lanes for our cyclists instead of eight lanes for our trucks so that they can speed and hit us all. Pandit can make it happen and our activists who have been working for a cycle city should visit Pandit every day and make our valley, a cycle-friendly capital. 

Our Meowists have not sent any comrades to be part of Oli's cabinet yet. Our Emperor tells us that Oli and his friends should be clear on the 'unity' nataks first. Well, Oli will be our Prime Monster first and then our Emperor will get to live in Baluwatar for the third time. 

Yes, it's all about sharing power and applying the 60-40 formula to keep comrades from both parties happy. We don't know how long the romantic affair will last but let us hope that Oli and Prachanda will finally work for the people as they have been promising for ages.

And Oli can do us a big favor if he provides a million Rupees each to our cricketers for taking us to the World Cup Qualifiers and provide extra bonuses to Lamichane, KC and other players who made that extra effort to take us there. 

Our cricketers are the only ones who are keeping us alive for now!

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Our Prime Monsters!

The Bangladesi Court has sentenced the country's former Prime Monster to five years in prison. Well, her supporters blame the party in power of bending the law to send her to jail but we all know that most of the politicians in our wonderful 'shark' region are mostly blood sucking parasites and we have yet to see men and women of character running our respective countries.

Across the border, former Prime Monster's have been to prison as well.  Even so-called powerful former mantris in India are now in jail for corruption. But when it comes to our Prime Monsters, we can all be proud of the fact that those who have lived in Baluwatar have been the most honest and competent folks in this country. 

And that's the reason why we don't hear about our former Prime Monsters going to jail for corruption or abuse of power when they were in office. 

Yes, our former Prime Monsters have not stolen a paisa from the State and they have only helped the needy ones with the funds from our state treasury. And yes, some of our former mantris have been to jail but they have been released and continue to act like they came back from a mission to Mars instead of burying their head in shame in their own backyard.  

We seem to have more living Prime Monsters than any other country in the shark region. And we continue to provide them with all the perks that comes for being lucky enough to live in Baluwatar even if it was for less than a year. 

Our civil servants work for thirty years and then retire and get a decent pension. You can be a Prime Monster for a day, a Home Minister for a week and be one of those Chief Justice, Speaker or our VP and President and then you get to enjoy the life of a mini Maharaja till the end.

Yes, our VVIP needs security, free housing, vehicles and allowances so that they will never have to work again ever again. But former Amriki Presidents have to go on hundreds of speaking engagements all around the world, write half a dozen books to make enough money to live comfortably and the only exception will be Trump. 

Yes, they do get a few Secret Service agents for protection and that's about it unlike our VVIPs who go around with more a dozen gun-toting armed security personnel even when attending a child's rice feeding ceremony.  Maybe the Amriki Embassy can help out and help our government create its own 'Secret Service' to protect our very very irritating persons!  

And even now our current Prime Monster, Shree Ek Maharaja Deuba of Dadeldhura continues to amaze us all with this great acts even though he doesn't have much time left to stay in Baluwatar. 

Our former King Gyanu Uncle was a Shree Paanch. Our Ranas were the Shree Teens and our mini-Maharajas just can do the math and come up with their number! Yes, they are all Numero Unos for now! Yes, our netas have screwed up this country by their interfering in everything.  

No wonder, our senior police officers, sarkari hakims, judges and anybody appointed by the political 'quota' system continue to work for the corrupt netas instead of the common folks. 

It's about time we become ashamed of our thulo mancheys because these fools will never repent and are not worried about how history will judge them as long as they make millions of Rupees and make sure that their kids and grandkids live their lives in luxury. Yes, they are doing it for their families but they seem to forget that they are in the authority 

But we can never predict our political nataks like we can't do much about our earthquakes either.  It's been years since we got hit by the big one and the families affected by the earthquakes have yet to live in real homes or even get the peanuts offered by our corrupt government. 

We all know that a few lakhs will not even be enough to build a room or two but our sarkari hakim sahebs continue to use the data from the 19th century when calculating the cost of building materials in this land.  

Most of our civil servants and politicians have mini-mansions in the capital. If we were to do the math on the cost of building the wall surrounding their homes, it would probably cost more than what the government has provided to the families affected by the earthquakes.

Deuba should just relax, finish his whiskey and wait for the next person to enter Baluwatar. But no, he is not a lazy bum like you and me. He is a hardworking man and he will not rest till he doles out millions and millions to his cadres and cousins while in office. 

He will come up with nataks like lowering the age for our folks to receive senior citizens allowances. He will promise another lakh for our families affected by the earthquake even though we don't have the funds. And who will feed our netas in each of our provinces if we only care about the poor and the needy?

And while leaving Baluwatar, Deuba can do us all a big favor by making us all 'martyrs' so that we can all get some dough from the State like all the cadres, cousins and con artists affiliated with our political parties. Or if we were to follow the 'play book' from our Emperor's jhola then don't be surprised if Deuba wants to stick around and hops in bed with the Meowists to share the loot again.

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Amnesty for All!

Our Prime Monster-in-waiting Oli Dai tells us that the government should allow 'underground money' to be brought above ground so that our land will finally be prosperous after we get billions of dollars of black money back into the economy. 

And that 'black' money can be used to open 'white' medical colleges in every ward in this country and whoever is in charge of approving the files for our medical mafia can pocket Karods of Rupees which will go back to our hakim sahebs and chor netas. 

If our government had done its job in the first place then our state treasury would have billions of dollars from taxes paid by the byaparis. But in this land of ours, tax officials help our byaparis to evade taxes by offering them discounts and the chiya karcha goes to our civil servants and chor netas instead of going into our rastra ko dhukuti. 

That’s how the system works and if you can make some money as a civil servant for our netas then you get promoted or transferred to lucrative posting.  If you are an honest civil servant then you will climb the ladder when your time comes but you will be spending most of your time either doing nothing or be sent to our rural areas to enjoy the sceneries. 

If you can make some money as a political cadre for our netas then you will get the ticket to stand up for elections or be appointed as thulo mancheys in our government agencies. It doesn’t matter if you have been a loyal cadre for decades and do believe in your party and want to do something good for the country. When it comes to evaluating your performance by the party bosses, money matters the most, integrity doesn't even figure in the list.

But if we look at the root of the problem, the blame lies with our civil servants. They are the ones who run the system and can make our elected representatives look like fools. They are the ones who teach our mantris how to make money from government contracts and if they don’t like the mantris then they go on medical leave and leave the netas hanging. 

If every corrupt chors, con artists and contractors decided to disclose their 'illegal' funds then the government might have enough dough to run this country for at least a decade or two. Oli thinks that the reason behind low investment in our land is because many people are afraid to dig out their money from their backyards and deposit in our banks or invest in any sectors. 

Well, somebody needs to remind Oli that most of the investments in this land comes from our byaparis who have successfully evaded taxes with the help of our own tax officials and many bideshis do invest in this land with the help of Nepalis to turn their 'black money' into white.  

And what about our politicians who spend Karods of Rupees in elections but don’t have to disclose the source of their campaign contributions at all? At least the tax-evading byaparis pay taxes in some ways, even if it's less than what they ought to pay but when will our civil servants and corrupt clowns pay taxes on their 'chiya kharcha' as well?

Our banks want us to disclose the source of our cash when the transaction hits above a million Rupees. Our government would not be pressuring anyone to disclose their money if they hadn't received any pressure from the international bodies. Yes, that's how our government works. 

The World Bank, IMF, UN and our foreign embassies can threaten our government and then only our politicians will come up with a law to fight money laundering or other laws in this country. Yes, our government, netas and civil servants only listen to the bideshis but when we shout out loud, they don't hear us because we don't have boras of dollars to offer to our chors. 

But the funny thing is that most of our civil servants and politicians have illegal money and have somehow used the 'hundi' system to send funds overseas. No wonder, their kids have bought apartments in the West in cash! 

Oli tells us that black money in this country should be allowed to be laundered and the government can tax such illegal money.  Yes, that's a great idea but only if our politicians and political parties get their act right and submit their own financial details on time and not the fake ones but real actual hisab kitab! 

Yes, let's start from the top. Let's start from our chor netas and hakim sahebs. Then, we can move to our byaparis, contractors and other con artists. We, the common folks don’t make enough to even save a few Rupees and we really don't have to worry about disclosing our source of cash in the bank unless one day, your uncle becomes the mantra and you get the chance to become his PA.

But of course, the law would not apply to our lawmakers and civil servants. After all they are our lawbreakers and they seem to think that they are always above the law. Unless, our political parties are transparent when it comes to their financial dealings, we cannot expect other evil doers to finally have a change of heart, repent and pay taxes in this country. 

Our Emperor tells us that he doesn't own much stuff, a few tolas of gold and land. But he can spend Karods of Rupees to make sure that he and his daughter wins from Chitwan. Our Maharaja from Dadeldhura is probably worth billions of Rupees but he will show his wife's wealth or his land back in his home district and tell us that he has not stole a penny from the State. Yes, we all believe him too.

If we do allow Oli to have his way when it comes to providing amnesty to all then we can expect our security forces and our comrades to be happy because then, we won't have to hold anyone accountable for the crimes committed against innocent civilians both by the State and our comrades!  We can allow our smugglers and mafias to make their black money white and live happily ever after.  

And for us, the common 'invisible' folks, we can continue to go overseas and make a few Dinars so that our families can at least afford two meals a day and clothes and of course, a smartphone or two as well.

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com