Confused Ignorant Arrogant A$$****s (CIAA)

For the time being, Obama is still the most powerful person on Earth. Once he leaves office, he will just be another guy who has to work for a living by writing memoirs for millions of dollars and raking the moolah from speaking engagements. 

And it looks like Amrika will elect either the first woman President or a stupid racist jerk. They have never had a woman in the White House but they have had quite a few stupid jerks living there.

 But who is the most powerful person in Nepal? No, it's not our Prime Monster Oli or our Madame President. Oli is busy trying to figure out how many days he has left to live in Baluwatar. 

During his free time, he only thinks about how to connect gas pipe lines to each household in the country or how to harness wind power to end load shedding once and for all. 

Yes, our corrupt netas only think big because that's where they can make some dough. They are not interested in rebuilding the homes destroyed by the earthquake because they are still figuring out how to share the aid amongst themselves. They are not interested to hold local elections because they are happy with the all-party mechanism sharing the development budget amongst themselves. 

Our Madame President is the Supreme Commander-in-Chief of the Nepal Army. I think it would be great if she donned a military uniform and made herself a five-star General. She seems to be busy cutting ribbons here and there. 

I think it would be better if she was also interested in how our Defense Minister, Bhim Rawan is busy wasting our tax-payers money by using the army helicopter for personal visits across the country. 

I think it’s about time our politicians stopped using army helicopters for their personal use. The Prime Minister's Office should buy at least six helicopters for the use of our corrupt politicians. Oli should be allowed to make millions of rupees in commission as he leaves Baluwatar. 

Our army helicopters should be used for natural disasters, and if our Madame President is bored then she can take one to Nagarkot or Pokhara for some R&R. 

I guess our Confused Ignorant Arrogant A$$****s (CIAA) do not look into such matters because they don't seem to be interested in investigating abuse of authority but rather going after low-level civil servants and those who seem to have protested against the appointment of our Superman Lokman. 

It has been ten years now since Gyanu Uncle folded his cards and had then reinstated the House of Representatives. Those who were top civil servants then and who had worked hard to suppress the people's movement are still in top positions in the government. 

We have a new APF chief now. The man has been accused of playing his part in suppressing the people's movement then. It was Gyanu Uncle then who called the shots. Today, we have our mini-Maharajas who are having all the fun. 

Don't be surprised if our new APF chief uses his experience from ten years ago to suppress the Madhesi movement. After all, our security personnel have greater skills in booting and, if not, shooting at the protesters. 

Lokman used to be our Chief Secretary when Gyanu Uncle was at Narayanhiti. How come our buffoons could not find another honest person to head the CIAA and had to settle for the same old corrupt civil servant from the previous regime? 

And Lokman thinks going after Kanak will solve all the corruption problems in this land. Kanak is not a politician. He happens to be the chairperson of Sajha Yatayat and our incompetent government owns 75% of the shares. 

If he has made some money from any kickbacks while running the Sajha buses then the CIAA should go after him. What he does with his other ventures is actually not under the jurisdiction of the CIAA. 

Lokman should pick on someone his size. He should go after our so-called top leaders of our major political parties and not journalists who protest his appointment and his nataks. Our netas are not happy that Kanak gets dollars from our bidhesis to run whatever he wants to run. 

But it seems that the CIAA has found no evidence of any wrongdoing by Ganesh Thapa who managed to make a few million dollars by stealing the funds meant for ANFA. Ganesh Thapa is still our lawmaker. He must have paid off most of our thulo mancheys so that he could be left alone. 

And Kamal Thapa, the man who was our Home Minister during Gyanu Uncle's fun fest is our Deputy Prime Monster today. And he was not happy with Bista Jr and his natak so he kicked him out and has placed Resham Lama as a mantri. 

Who is this guy? Well, the man from Kavre is the guy who is a Godfather to our don Ganesh Lama. Go figure. Mundreys become mantris in this land and what can you expect from our current government headed by the mundrey of all mundreys. 

Lokman, please do your job. Give us something that we can all be proud of your natak. Go after our Emperor, go after our clowns who get kickbacks in millions of dollars from our contractors. Go after our top security personnel who make money off rations meant for our soldiers and low-level policemen. Go after those in power who abuse their authority to make billions of rupees for themselves and their near and dear ones. 

Lokman, if you have the guts then put all our politicians in jail because none of them are clean and have misused their authority then and now. If you can't go after the big sharks then just celebrate your wedding anniversary inside the CIAA premises and quit. 

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

The Wrestler

Our Prime Monster KP Oli wants to show us that he still has the strength to take on his opponents, foreign aliens and anyone who thinks he is not the right person to continue to grow organic vegetables in Baluwatar.  

A year ago, he climbed Dharahara. Well, we can't blame him for the Big One but let's hope he doesn't climb anything again this time or he might be the one on the ground. Oli suffers from all kinds of ailments but he seems to be doing fine thanks to the free healthcare treatment from the state. He has already spent Karods and will get to spend more for his medical treatment even when he leaves office. 

That's the beauty of our system. If you get to the top kurchi and even get to only sit on it for a day, you still are eligible for life-time freebies. Oh! It's good to be a politician and especially a Home minister or if you are lucky a Prime Monster then you can misuse the funds in billions instead of the usual millions you get as a lawmaker. 

Yes, our former Home Ministers still get dozens of security personnel and siren-blaring pick-ups because the government thinks their life is under threat. Please, look at Kamal Thapa. He used to be a Home Minister once. He is responsible for killing dozens of folks during the Jana Andolan-2. And look where he is now. 

Thapa is in New York to sign the Paris Climate Agreement. Yes, and a little bit of shopping for his near and dear ones on the side. Then, he will be in London and then back home in a week. 

This man is everywhere but home. Of course, he is not our Home Minister now and since he heads the Foreign Ministry, it is his job to visit as many countries as he can at the expense of our taxpayers before he leaves the ministry.

And our Madame Speaker and few other freeloaders are in London to study how the British Parliament works. Why the hell do you need to visit foreign lands even if it's for free when you know very well that once you get home, you will forget everything? Our politicians only visit foreign countries for that extra pocket money so that they can buy gifts for their loved ones. 

The bideshis should stop inviting our politicians on such free tour package natak. If you really want to help us then carry out a lucky draw and invite hundreds of common folks to visit your land and learn a thing or too. But of course common folks don't run the country, crooks do! It's the same everywhere.

And Deuba is in Delhi because he wants to make sure that everyone is on the same page when he gets to be our Prime Monster once again. Back then it was the Pajeros and don’t be surprised if you see our lawmakers driving around in tax-free Porsches by next year. 

When it comes to our buffoons enjoying the good life then anything is possible in this land. But when it comes to you and me, trying to get even the most basic of all services from the state then it is their job to make it impossible or take days, weeks and months before you receive the benefits that you are entitled as a citizen of this land.

We have seen politicians inaugurating bridges, hospitals, schools and what not but Oli has topped it all by showing his presence at the so-called International Wrestling Tournament held at our Rangasala last week.

Before he became our Prime Monster, Oli climbed Dharahara just to show his opponents that he was fit enough to be our man in Baluwatar. But the sad thing is we no longer have Dharahara and it will probably take our incompetent government at least a decade before we have something standing tall again. 

Bhimsen Thapa is long gone and it was not a happy farewell for him then. He built the tower and it is no longer there. Thank God, we don't have the same kind of Prime Monsters these days and our politicians are a lucky lot that they are playing politics a century and half later. 

Back then, you could do all the hanky panky to get to the top but once you were there, there were other folks to pull you down. It's the same story now as well but at least you no longer meet a violent end like in those days. These days, you get national honor and government holidays when it's your time to leave this world even if you have misused your power, funds and everything else to take this country down the drain.

Oli makes a fool of himself wrapping himself with the wrestling title belt or whatever they call that thing. The wrestling you see at the Olympics is real. The wrestling tournament held at Rangsala is just a circus act and I guess Oli really identified with it as well.

In a few days, it will be a year since the Big One struck.  Thousands of our people lost their lives  and many more were injured in the earthquake. Hundreds of thousands of homes were destroyed.  

But does our government care? No! Our corrupt slimy evil-doers seem to have no souls. They don't care be it the earthquake, blockade or anything. They have no shame to loot the funds meant for the people. 

Our politicians were hiding instead of being out in the open helping the people after the earthquake. Our civil servants had never done their homework even when the bideshis spent millions of dollars training them and helping them to prepare for the Big One. Our civil servants still don’t care. 

Instead, our politicians want to place their own chamchas to positions where they will have access to billions of dollars of aid meant for the earthquake victims. Our security personnel did a fine job then but it would be nice if they displayed the same spirit of brotherhood to our protestors as well. 

Please be nice and don't act like savages when it comes to dealing with protesters be it women, senior citizens or Madhesis or Janjatis or even Kamal Thapa. At least Thapa is lucky that he got thrashed and now he is Mr. Flash. Not all of us are lucky like him.

We all know very well that our people will never get the help they need. Our politicians and civil servants will share the aid amongst themselves and half of it will go to our bideshi consultants as well. 

It seems that we have more politicians in this land than anywhere in the world. Everybody is a politician. Look at our civil servants. These fools have trade unions, dozens of them and the main job of such unions is to obstruct the work of the government. 

A peon has the connections to transfer the hakim saheb. Our  hakim sahebs don't listen to the mantri. The mantri doesn't care about the people but only listens to his personal aide. 

Our PM is a clown like everyone else before him. We live in such a beautiful land amongst such hardworking, law-abiding citizens but we must have done something real bad in our previous lives to deserve such Obnoxious Lazy Imbeciles! 

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Foreign Objects

Our stand-up comedian Oli Baba tells us that he will not allow our land to be a playground for bidhesis to conduct experiments on anyone and anything. Well, the bidehsis have been carrying out experiments on us and our land since the Ranas left the building and most of our civil servants and clowns have benefited financially all these years from such interference.

If it weren't for the Desis then we would still have the Shree Tins having all the fun instead of hundreds of mini-Maharajas who seem to enjoy the good life these days. Pashupati Uncle would be our Prime Monster today if the Ranas had not left Singha Durbar then. And he wouldn't have to sell Nepal Gas to our Emperor to make a profit. He would own everything in this land and would live like the Sultan of Brunei. 

If it weren't for the Desis again, we would not have multi-party democracy in the 90s. Of course, we should not forget our martyrs who sacrificed their lives in so many people's movements even if our netas and their chor cadres do.  But at the end of the day, it was always the Desis who had the magic tricks up their sleeves to change the players who would then continue to loot us all. 

If it weren't for the Desis, we would not have the 12-point peace agreement between our Maoists and Morons. We, the people really don't care who gets to lead us. We know that our buffoons will only work hard to lead us to poverty instead of prosperity. 

We just want peace, justice and equality. But our netas want a piece of the loot, amnesty for them and their cadres for their crimes against the people and a system where the corrupt always wins while the law-abiding citizens face extortion from our sarkari hakims, cops and even mundreys.  

I guess somebody needs to remind Oli that most of this cadres and friends run most of the NGOs in this land and they get tons of bideshi funds as well. I guess he needs to clamp down on his own comrades first instead of playing the 'foreign hand' card for all the problems in this country. 

Maybe our ministries, courts and the police should stop accepting gift hampers and cash from the bideshis as well. We all know that half the foreign aid doled out by our friends from abroad goes back to their own consultants while the other half disappears through our ministries and NGOs.

Oli and most of our politicians except Baidya Ba knows very well that unless you please the bideshis, you will not get to sit on the Kurchi in this land. So, our stupid netas should stop telling us that they do not want foreign interference in our politics and governance and nearly everything else.

I think it would be better if our netas stop experimenting on us as well. Please drop the socialist and communist tag and just be proud of the fact that you are all opportunists. And you will grab any opportunity to sell this land to the highest bidder. 

We have a Prime Monster who has mundreys under his wings and yet he preaches about how we have the best constitution in the world and how our justice system is better than most developed countries. 

Yes, this is the land where most of our top civil servants get to their position based not on merit but their party affiliation and how much cash they can pay off our mantris. And yet, to expect our government to take care of us is like expecting a pickpocket to steal someone's wallet, and stuff it with more cash than before. 

No, it is not going to happen. Our pickpockets will continue to loot us all until the day we will not be able to afford to even buy a wallet. 

We are all waiting for our Madhesi super-heroes and their new protest programs. Yes, do not block the borders. It really doesn't matter to those in power. We didn't get cooking gas during the blockade. 

We are not getting any now after the blockade but those in power get their regular supply of fuel and cooking gas no matter what.  Tomorrow, we might have a nuclear meltdown in our region and even then our chors will continue to get regular supply of cooking gas.

Oli should organize a 'Dohori Night' in Rangasala. Invite our Madhesi netas and battle it out through songs. Let's hope our protestors will carry out the blockade at Singha Durbar and Baluwatar instead of shutting down the valley. 

Let's hope that our police wallahs will use restrain instead of force against the protesters. Let's hope our government will be flexible and sit down for talks instead of the usual chiya-biskoot meet-up session between the two parties.

And Kamal Thapa should resign immediately for his failure to bring the future King of England his Mrs to town. Yes, we had Harry who came, smiled, did some volunteer work and won some of our hearts and minds. 

But I guess, two hundred years of service to the British Empire by our brave Gurkhas didn't matter to Prince William. He goes to India and even Bhutan instead. Well, the British crown ruled India for nearly hundred years. But our people have shed their blood to protect the British Empire since then and now we get a 'Royal' snub. 

Our government should pass a law that bans all future Kings and Queens of England from ever setting foot on Nepalese soil for such disrespect to the sacrifice of our ancestors. 

Well, Harry and his family will always be welcome but if he somehow happens to sit on the throne like his granny did then we will have to make sure that we find someone new. 

I think Mr. Bean would do. Yes, let's have a bumbling idiot meet our corrupt idiots instead of worrying about how to provide security for Royal folks who will just be in the comic books by 2073 AD!

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Panama to Patan

First of all, let us congratulates ourselves that we have at least seven lucky Nepalese who have offshore accounts according to 'The Panama Papers'. We will probably get to know them in the coming days. 

And the government should host a dinner for those in the list and our stand-up comedian and his cronies should ask for some voluntary donations for the next election from them.

Maybe, there will be more when somebody finishes going through 11.5 million leaked documents of a law firm that specializes in forming shell companies for the corrupt clowns, contractors and criminals all around the world. 

It's not illegal to have an offshore account but when most of the so-called foreign investment in Nepal seems to come from the countries known as being tax havens then something is really fishy. 

And the guy who is close to our Emperor is probably in the list. After all, he seems to get loans and investment from tax havens around the world for his telecom and other ventures. 

At least our Nepal Rastra Bank is doing its job by holding billions of Rupees that should have gone into the guy's account. Our netas need our byaparis to launder the money and no wonder most of the big commercial complexes across the country are owned by our clowns.

Our politicians really do not need to park their ill-gotten money in such shell companies overseas. They can just deposit their bribes in the name of their drivers, domestic helps and even porters who work in the New Road area. After all, having tons of cash, land and other valuable stuff in your spouse's name carry a lot of risk and could get you in trouble. You can't just come up with the 'rich father-in-law' story every time. 

Yes, most of our politicians tell us that the land registered in their wives' name was gifted by their father-in-laws and so were the hundreds of tolas of gold and silver. 

I guess they thought it would be wise to marry a rich man's daughter just to be safe because you don't get paid in politics until you get into power and that might take more than a decade or two.

Even most of our byaparis who mostly have their business ties across the borders really don't have to register a company in the British Virgin Islands or somewhere in the Caribbean. They can just use the 'Hundi' guy to transfer the money from Kathmandu to Kolkata in a minute. But of course, if you are bringing back your own black money home then you might need such tax havens. 

We all know that most of our so-called top leaders of the major political parties own prime property in the city valued at billions of Rupees. They have investment in gas bottling companies, media houses, commercial complex and what not.

If our superhero Lokman wants to find out who owns what then he just needs to bring in the personal aides of our corrupt clowns and parade them around town and then carry out the interrogation session at Khula Manch. If Lokman can't do that then he should quit and stay home instead of just going after minnows while the sharks continue to have all the fun. 

I think our media wallahs should also learn a thing or two from investigative journalists all around the world. We need our own consortium of investigative journalists who work together to find the truth about the ill-gotten wealth of our corrupt politicians, incompetent civil servants and slimy contractors.

How can a politician who just a decade ago did not have two pairs of socks now wears watches worth millions of Rupees? How can a civil servant with his less than half a million Rupees annual salary own land and house in Kathmandu worth hundreds of millions? 

We, the people seem to know a lot more about their rags to riches story while our media and government agencies assigned to investigate misuse of power seem to be out of the loop.

Our TV channels are busy going after small mundreys, flies in soft drinks and alien stuff in juices. Yes, show us the guest houses where immoral activities take place as if that will stop it from happening. This is the land where if you provide the chiya kharcha to our civil servants, you could run your own mini-gas bottling plant in your backyard. 

Well, it's a good thing to go after social ills but why can't they carry out a sting operation or some investigation into where all our cooking gas cylinders disappear? Show us how our gas dealers arrange special deliveries for big hotels and residences of high ranking government officials and politicians. 

Show us how the police personnel who suddenly show up at the gas depot whenever there is a delivery somehow manage to take at least six cylinders for their hakim sahebs in the midst of hundreds of angry customers who get nothing.

The Prime Minister of Iceland has had to resign because he was accused of hiding millions of dollars in a company in the British Virgin Islands. The former PM resigned even though he claimed that he paid all his taxes back home. Here in our land, our politicians will not resign even if their spouses, cousins or personal aides are caught with boras of cash. Instead they will tell the media and us the people to shut up and put up with their corrupt antics.

Our politicians and civil servants would rather help the fake VAT-Bill byaparis to evade taxes rather than going after them. It's a shame that the taxes that should be going to our state treasury so that the government can use it for development projects instead are divided amongst our byaparis, civil servants and freeloaders. 

It's time for our journalists to wake up and smell the Bagmati River. Please make us aware about our corrupt thulo mancheys and from whom they make all the billions of Rupees. Please speak the truth instead of continuing to publish the lies that our politicians dole out every few minutes!

We need our own Patan Papers and maybe our journalists should go back forty years and keep a track on the wealth of our thulo mancheys since then.  Our journalists should throw away their party affiliation or other petty self-interest, just do it for the love of this country and its people! You are our last hope!

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Warnings Galore!

Our top stand-up comedian, KP Oli has warned bideshis not to interfere in our internal affairs and learn to respect our country's sovereignty when it comes to our 'daami' constitution. Our politicians are a funny lot. They are the ones who are willing to sell this country to the highest bidder and yet they claim to be patriotic. 

Our politicians are the ones who go around visiting bidhesis and ask for funds and any help possible to sit on the Kurchi and yet they claim that they will not bow down to the bideshis because they are fiercely nationalistic. Our politicians are only loyal to whoever can pay them off. Their loyalty is not to our land and the people, but to their cousins, cadres and contractors. 

Our government knows very well that it neither has any carrots nor sticks and its warning to bideshis carries no weight. The sad thing is that we neither have the nukes like the North Koreans nor oil like the Sheikhs in the Middle East. If we had both then we could have threatened to nuke the foreign intruders and cut off their oil supplies as well.  

Our incompetent government is pissed that the Desis and the EU clowns want our politicians to address the disputed issues in the constitution soon. The bideshis want political stability and economic growth in our land whereas our politicians want never-ending chaos where they get to share power and loot the state treasury. 

Our clowns don't want economic growth but want black marketers to make easy profits by selling substandard adulterated products and create artificial shortage and sell for more. The profits from such ventures are then divided among our con artists, civil servants and our clowns.

Our corrupt government tells us that such statement from the bideshis only hurts the sentiments of the Nepali people. No, it doesn't. It only hurts the sentiments of our good for nothing freeloaders. We all know that the Chineses, the Desis, the Amrikans and the EU wallahs all have their self-interest at hand when it comes to doling out foreign aid to our government. 

If our politicians really want the bideshis to just stay inside their Embassies and host dinner during the 'Independence Day' programs then stop accepting ambulances, school buses, wheel chairs and what not from the bideshis. If you really want to accept gifts then ask for nukes from North Koreans, even if it doesn't really work and ask all Middle East airlines coming to Nepal to at least carry some extra fuel for us as well. 

If we really want the Desis and the Chinese to stop interfering then just ask the Amrikans to build a command center to look after their Asian interest in our homeland. Yes, in a decade or two, the Japanese and the South Koreans will probably ask the Amrikans to empty their bases.

If the Amrikans can give billions of dollars to the Israelis and the Pakistanis then they would be more than happy to cover our national budget forever if we allow them to station thousands of their troops somewhere in the middle of our country. Now that would really piss off our chimekis, wouldn't it?  

And do not ask for pennies when you can get billions! The Israelis continue to spy on the Amrikans in their own land and yet continue to get the dough. The Pakistanis really don't want to help the Amrikans on their so-called war on terror but still get the moolah. Let us come up with something that will make the Amrikans give us billion as well!

Our government tells us and the world that they are fully capable of resolving the disputed issues in the constitution on their own. Yes, that's why we had the so-called blockade and our government could not do a thing. I guess our security personnel are only good at protecting our dirty politicians from hardworking Nepali people instead of protecting our highways and borders.

Now, our great Madhesi warrior Rajendra Mad Hatter has warned our government that there will be protest programs after Nepali New Year but this time it will be Singha Durbar-centric instead of blocking the borders. Finally, our Madhesi warriors have seen the light. Our ruling clowns in the capital will not budge until our protesters come to the valley and gherao Singha Durbar and Baluwatar as well. 

Yes, let the rumble begin. Please carry out Baluwatar Blockade for another six months and then only will our Prime Monster know how hard it is when you have no cooking gas or fuel. 

Even Madhav Nepal, our former Prime Monster has joined the 'warning' game. Nepal has warned Oli that he will travel across the country and tell the CPN-UML cadres about Oli's habit of only embracing his near ones while ignoring the other factions of his political party. 

Why is Nepal crying now? Our politicians may not be good at anything but they do know how to form their own party within the mother party. No wonder, our political parties tend to split every winter and all political parties have different factions fighting with each other for no apparent reason.

Even Kamal Thapa doesn't want to be left behind. He has warned that he will not rest until this country once again becomes a 'Hindu' state and have a King at Narayanhiti Palace. Kamal Dai, please enjoy your power while you can. Make as much moolah as you want. And then stick to tennis. This man could be the world's veteran tennis champ if he devoted as much energy to his tennis game as he does to be the next King of Nepal. 

Well, the SLC exams is here. Oli should have wished all our SLC candidates best of luck but he didn’t. Oli is only SLC pass. He should be made the patron saint for all our SLC wallahs. But of course, there won't be any SLC exams in a few years. And Oli will then have to pass 10+2 if he wants to be the saint for high school students.

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com