The Congressi Gunda goes to jail....

The dishonorable Nepali Congress (NC) leader, Khum Bahadur Khadka has been sentenced to 18 months in jail and the daaka will have to pay only Rs 9.43 million fine. Our Supreme Court wallahs are doing a good job... sending all them Congress mantris to jail. I hope in 2030, we will see our Emperor and his crew having a pot-luck dinner in a prison in Kathmandu.

Dr. Saheb is not going to jail because he's actually clean.... well, his wife might spend some time in prison ... in the future! Anyways, Govinda Raj Joshi and our great leader, Khumey Raja have been convicted and will spend some tyam ... playing 'marriage' in them prisons soon.

Joshi and Khadka were the most corrupt Congressi netas during the 1990s. Well, they did manage to divert crores to Girija Babu pani... maybe that's why they became mantris several times. Both were Home Ministers pani. And when you are the 'Homie' ... you make millions from promoting the chors  and transferring the 'no source-force wallahs' to them remote districts.

Khadka is still a powerful gunda and our police wallahs still salute him .... because he promoted many of them juniors who are now senior officers ni. Khadka fled to India during the CA elections in 2008 when his gundas killed seven Maoist cadres in Dang district. 

He was hiding in Delhi for a while and then came back to Kathmandu after our comrades promised not to put a bullet in his head rey.

The Maobadis were confident that he would be convicted ... so they let the CIAA folks do the work. Khadka was acquitted by the court six years ago... then the CIAA appealed and now... he is finally guilty of making less than Rs 10 million through illegal means. Only 10 million.. naw-hasau nuh ho kazi haroo ho!

I don't know what's up with our courts.... do they have like a 'formula' for how many months a corrupt asshole will have to spend chewing zarda-paan in jail? JP Gupta got 18 months, Wagle got 18 and so did Joshi and Khadka! All former mantris and all pahila ko Congressi chor haroo!

I think our corrupt chors should be sent to at least 25 years in prison kya. Ani .. they can celebrate them silver jubilee ki kay bhancha ni! And what's up with 10-20 million ko fine sine.... how about confiscating everything they have and then send them to them hilly districts where they can participate in them road projects by digging sigging all day. 

Instead of bidhesi whiskey and chicken lollipops, they should get dui piece pauroti and black tea in the morning and then raati chahi .... duita roti ruh dhoonga ko soup! 

The Congressis went on  a looting spree for more than a decade ...  The Eh-Maaleys only managed to make some dough for less than a year tyeti bela... but our VAT Mohan Adhikary, Bam Dev and Oli haroo pani chor nai hoon. Uni haroo ko palo chai kailey?

Our comrades have their own panel now... to investigate them financial irregularities in the party rey. Yes... khoi joke bahnney ki kay bhanney ho? Our Emperor has received the most complaints... but who is going to really investigate his financial dealings? 

If we really want to send our chor netas to jail then all them personal aides (PAs) should be rounded up and  tied up and caned. We will never be like Singapore but at least we can import some canes from Lee Kwan Yew hola... hehe! After we cane them ... maybe they will be kind enough to disclose all them financial details of our great 'patriotic' netas ni. 

Where did our netas go wrong? Most of them did start out... fighting the system. Many were tortured during them Panchey days.... and then what happened? 

I don't know... even if you have been starving for a week... you are not going to finish up the whole buffalo ni. But our netas did (well, bichara.. they were starving for 30 years ni!).. well, they did more than that... kay bhancha ni... "the victims have become the perpetrators"  ki something like that.

Yes, our Congressis did suffer during them Mandaley ko saa-shun kaal ma. The comrades didn't have it easy when the Congressis were our Rajas. And today the Madhesis and Janjaatis are fighting the so-called system. Bholi ... Madhesi, Janjaati sarkar nai bhaye pani kehi hoonay walla chaina hai.... bhande-choo mailey.. hehe!

Nepal ma khaas aroo reform deform tyestai ho.... if we can change how our police wallahs act, speak, eat and drink .. then hamro system ma dherai nai sudhar aucha hai! I don't know much .... but unless somebody really reforms the police wallahs.. we will continue to suffer under the 'Chor-Police' because our 'Chor-Netas' will always use them to trample our rights!

Let there be light...

Our 'rebels without a cause' promised us 10,000 MW and then the Eh-Maaleys went ahead and promised us a double-espresso shot of 20,000 MW kyaaruh! We have to give it up for our comrades... thank God... they haven't promised us a Nepali comrade on Mars yet.

Our crown prince Prakash Dahal has already climbed Everest. Maybe the Emperor should plan a Mars mission for his polygamist prince! We are not asking for free lunch, money or gaadis! We just want paani, batti and sasto chaamal and tarkaari!

Our great nation is now on the bottom of the list when it comes to harnessing them hydropower potential rey. We have to thank some of them African nations for their never-ending civil wars and what not.. or else we might have been listed as the poorest country in the world hola!

Anyways, hamro potential chahi 43,000 MW and so far we have managed to exploit only 1.5% rey... while our netas from the Mandaleys to Morons to Maoists have managed to exploit 99% of them people. 1% tuh afnai manchey ho... loot-nu lootya chan hagi bhaatey haroo lay!

We have like 659 MW and the demand is around 1,000 MW kyaaruh! Bangladesh ko potential chahi less than 760 MW and they already have like ... installed capacity of 230 MW rey... that's like 30%. If Nepal had managed to harness 30% then we would have around 12,000 MW today.

We would be selling 11,000 MW to our chimekis hola. I think we would be paying like Rs 100 a month for 24-ghantey batti. We would probably be making a few billion dollars a year too .. and we would not be paying taxes at all. Sabai desh chalau-ney paisa hydro sydro batuh cover hoon-thyo ki?

Bhutan ma tuh jhan babaal rahecha. 24,000 MW ma 1,500 MW tuh nikaaley chan ni. How come Bhutan has more MW than us? Yo sabai Complan ko kaamal hola ni!

We make fun of the Wangchuks and say 'Ye.. tini haroo tuh Desi haroo ko slave hoon ni!' ... and we seem to forget that our netas have their own 'secret' arse-kissing deals with the Desis! Our comrades talk about how patriotic they are yeha chai... and when they are in Delhi...  they are busy kissing them RAW agents haroo ko hairy arse (with due respect to Anil Kapoor dai... Sonam is hot hagi!)

I think it's about tyam .. we give all them hydropower projects to them Norwegians. After all they have already given us hundreds of millions of dollars for our so-called peacebuilding nataks. They too want a piece of them hydropower stuff ni.

Instead of trying to make our dumpling and dosa gangs happy... let's just give it to the kuireys.... jay bhaye pani... they will go to war if our chimekis try to screw up their 100 billion dollar investment in them hydropower projects in Nepal ni. 

Our private power developers tell me that it costs around US$ 1.5 million for them 1 MW rey. So we need like 60 billion US$ for them 40,000 MW ... hami sangaw tuh paisa chaina. The only guy who is loaded is our Emperor .. aroo sabai tuh badaam soontala khaako matrai ho kya!

The only folks who have tons of cash chahi.... Apple wallahs and Berkshire Hathaway and Bill Gates daaju. Maybe someone should call Warren Buffet and have him over for a Newari khaaja! The guy likes his beef rare.... we can ask him to try out buff instead!

We could ask Carlos Slim but if he comes to Nepal then he might charge us Rs 25 per SMS and you need to pay like a month's salary to make a call hola!

Apple has like 80 billion cash... I think we should go for a merger baroo... Nepal+Apple = Nepple... and we will all be Neppleys (Nape-Layz!)... okay, wrong joke.. don't want to piss off our patriotic crowd feri!

If Apple decided to move into them hydropower business then it would be pretty cool hola. We will have iShower, iDhaara, iBatti... or if nothing works than iBhatti will do for our MaPaSe crowd!

Aroo desh ka neta haroo worry about jobs for their jantas... our netas only worry about their chamchas while the common citizens suffer more and more! Everything comes with strings attached ni. If them kuireys want to invest in them hydro stuff then of course they would want to make some profit hoinuh ruh!

If we start all them hydro projects simultaneously .. then we will have jobs for like half a million people rey. They will probably get paid more than our government ko minimum wage of Rs 4,600... baroo uni haroo batuh pani taxes liney ni!

I really don't care if it's them Indian or Chinese or Kuirey companies... let them do their jobs. If they want to invest a billion or two then our government should protect their investments ni. 

I think the Bhotekoshi project chahi ... should be scrapped. Yeso ali ali khola naala tuh rafting lai pani rakhnoo paryo ni daka haroo ho! I still think we should just use our paani for rafting, fishing and what not... baroo let's go nookie... I mean ... nuclear! 

The French are good at them nuke stuff kyaaruh. Our netas should seriously think about it. We won't be screwing up them eco-system ki kay bhancha ni!

The jantas won't even notice that we are building them nuclear power plant in the middle of Singha Durbar as long as we invite Zidane to play for Manang Marsyangdi.. hehe! Yes, he's a grumpy old man but he can still head-butt you and destroy your brains... I want to see him do some head-banging with our Emperor! Ani buddhi aucha-ki hamro Shree Aath Sarkar ko?

And for the other party crowd... David Guetta can do a year-long tour across the country nai. Abuh aroo ko baaki cha? Asterix and Obelix? Carla Bruni pani baaki cha... and she might also get the MahaUjjwal Rastradeep medal if she comes to Nepal like that Saudi prince bin Talal ho ki dalal?

Bus, Trucks & Micros

Let us all thank our transport entrepreneurs for calling off the so-called indefinite nationwide public transport strike. Millions of Nepalis had to stay home and clean their rooms after our union wallahs decided not to provide them transportation services during the weekend!

And once again, our caretaker government has agreed to meet them demands of our byaparis. The bus, trucks and micro-wallahs have been ripping us off for ages but our so-called sarkari wallahs don't give a damn hagi!

All them unions are affiliated to our major political parties and when it's time to hold them conventions and other rajniti gai-jatras, the unions foot them bills ni!

The so-called truckers are charging 50% more than the government ko fixed rate for them goods. And our byaparis have to make a profit .. so the consumers end up paying more for everything! Yestai ho yeha ko chalan. 

Whenever our great oil monopoly, NOC decides to hike them fuel prices... our micro-wallahs will raise their fares kyaaruh. I hope they will charge us only a Rupee or two when them oil prices are like $10 per barrel...someday!

So what are them demands of our great gaadi-wallahs? They want a separate ministry of transport. Yes, a vary vary good idea. If all our businesses demand a separate ministry then we will probably have 420 new ministries hola! 

One day... our barbers will demand their own ministry. So, let's start a ministry of barbarism. Then our masoo pasaleys would want one too.... another ministry of animal farm?

Our gaadi wallahs have also demanded that the traffic police wallahs reduce the fine for public vehicles and no more bonus for them 'poor' traffic cops! Yes, our traffic cops stationed at them so-called checkpoints across the country do get them chiya kharchas. 

After all, hakim saheb lai pani bujhau-noo nai paryo ni! But our valley traffic cops have to breathe in them fumes every day and by the time they retire... all of them will have COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease!). 

I think the 15% bonus system was a great idea. At least 85% of them fines was going to the state treasury ni. Now, the government has decided to scrap the bonus thing and our traffic police will continue to make money anyway ... but the government will get zilch!

The byaparis also want the government to reduce them fines rey. Ahiley lai chai, our traffic cops can fine them roadracers from Rs 200 to Rs 1,000. I think the government should instead increase them fines by like 10,000% ki kaso? 

Them headlights are not working... then you will be fined Rs 20,000. You forgot to stick them 'emission test' sticker.. pay Rs 100,000 fine. Anybody who fails to renew their 'emission test' thing is a lazy bum! Your vehicle may be spewing black fumes but you can still get them sticker after you pay them chiya kharcha ni!

You don't have them blue book with you.... then your vehicle will be used by the Red Cross to carry out them health camps across the country for a month. You forgot to carry your license then you will have to clean up Bagmati for a week! 

Let's get back to our gaadi wallahs! We have them crazy drivers.... who never learned how to hit on them brakes hola.... and when they run over a pedestrian or a cyclist or a bike wallah... the driver jumps out of his vehicle and runs faster than Usain Bolt. 

So far only 1.2% of them drivers have been caught on the spot. The other 98.8% must have done them 100m dash in less than 8.8 seconds hola! Next time, somebody should just time it hagi!

And even if the driver is caught and somehow manages to survive the janta-dhulai... he will be released in a day or two. Why? Because them union wallahs take care of them business rey. 

If it was the driver's fault then the guy should go to jail for like 10 years and pay Rs 1 crore compensation to the victim's family. The gaadi sahujis would then fire them drivers and drive them vehicles themselves ni.. hehe! If it was the chicken's fault then the the driver should get free chicken curry for the night!

More than 60 folks have died in them bus accidents in the past month alone. We have them checkpoints along them highways to make sure that our public vehicles are not speeding. 

But the union wallahs pay off our cops and they just put a tick mark on them time cards while the guru-jis continues to speed as if he has to reach Sundhara in less than an hour .. when he is in @$#!ing Mugling! Why Sundhara? Because he has to use them mobile toilet rey!

It's been more than a year and our gaadi wallahs have yet to comply with the dress code and ID card thing. Yes, all our bus drivers and their assistants must wear them uniforms (no... Manchester United ko t-shirt doesn't count hai!) and they must have their IDs where all passengers can see rey. Khoi tuh? 

The gas wallahs are also planning to go on them strike and will stop supplying cooking gas from August 15th rey. Why? Because they are not happy with them commissions. 

They make like Rs 100 per cylinder. There are more than 4.5 million cylinders in the valley. They make Rs 450 million a month... more than Rs 5 billion a year and they still want more. 

NOC has asked them to change the color of half of them cylinders. Yes, 'Red' for the poor jantas and 'Blue' for them business wallahs. NOC plans to raise them cooking gas prices soon. 

But our gas bottlers don't want to change them color solor because it costs too much money rey. Rs 200 per cylinder to paint them 'blue'... It will cost our gas wallahs Rs 450 million. That's like ek mahina ko faida ni! 

We have like 75% communist netas in this great country of ours.... but all of them jackasses are closet capitalists... it's the wild wild west .. my myan and womyan! 

LOOT was okay and it did make like Rs 6 Karods at the box office.  Loot 2 ma chahi Haku Kale has another maasturrr peelan! He steals all them gaadi ko tyres and cooking gas cylinders! And he becomes a Nepali 'Robin Hood' and changes his name to 'Hookah Gorey'. The producers can get 'fair n hensum' to pay some dough for them product placement etiyaadi!

I don't know if 'Highway' was okay or not ... but if the director wants to do a sequel the just stop trying to squeeze in them characters jpt.. just have a bus driver and his khalasi ... talk about life and all them feel-o-sophie-call kura haroo as the bus is upside down ... without any passengers ni feri!