Do you have AIDS?

Never been so sick in my life... my good friends are worried that I may die before the 'new' constitution of Nepal comes into play. Well, who gives a @#$! about the new constitution when there's no electricity to watch them Desi comedy shows.

Who cares about 'New Nepal' when there is no water in the house? Even the water tanker guys are now so busy that you have to be on the waiting list and I have been on that list for the past few days ... well, I think the water guys are still stuck in traffic or something! I have to run off to my cousin's house to take a quick shower.

Thank God... he lives in a swamp. Well, it used to be a swamp many years ago but now since everybody is into this land business thing, his property is worth more than Caroline Kennedy's apartment in New York. Well, umm.... she won't be the next NY senator but she doesn't have to worry about water, electricity and high speed Internet access like we do!

Let's get back to 'are u dying' crap... few of my 'bad' friends are now asking me silly questions. 'Do you have AIDS?' , asked one buffoon the other day and nearly wanted to stab him in the eye with my specs. What kind of a question is that?

Yes, I am a mean jerk and I say stupid things but I am not that mean! A friend of mine was coughing like his lungs were about to explode like them IEDs in Iraq and the same bugger says, 'Do you have TB?' ... this guy needs to get his mouth washed with soap and water. We have the soap but no water ....maybe we should wait for the rainy season!

My gastric problem is killing me. Well, I think not wanting to stop smoking more or less aggravates it but to link my throwing up daily with AIDS is like saying Late Saddam had something to do with 9-11. Well, Bush was and is a Jackass!

I have been celibate for the last 9 months. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. For some of my chums, it's a good thing. If I can wear a chastity belt like the 'Love Guru' for another three months then I can be the next 'Osho'... and for the other half ... it's a sign of being out of the top 10 ranking of being a player!

I do go for a physical every year and am excited to find out the numbers. Is my HDL still below 30? A year ago it was in the 30s. The doctor said it's bad, if you don't eat right, exercise and stop smoking then you will die of a heart attack. I don't eat red meat, I don't drink that much and I am within my BMI range... and I am supposed to get a hearty!

This year, my HDL is now in its 40s.... the doctor still thinks I should stop smoking. I asked him, 'why? are you marrying me with your daughter?' ... he laughed as if I had come up with a funny one-liner! JC... I was damn serious but I guess I am not marrying the Doc's daughter. There goes my chances of being Munna Bhai MBBS! Bye Bye Chinky!

Anyways, I went to a Bar last night and people were like , 'I heard you are dying?' and I was like 'WTF' ... just because I am drinking cranberry juice doesn't mean that I have a period!

First Luv ? Part I

My friend asked me to write about pahilo prem... so here goes my story!

I fell in love for the very first time when I was 14. Before that I was busy playing marbles and trying to hypnotize ladies with my eyes. Well, playing marbles didn't get me any further and I guess I didn't grasp my reading of hypnosis theory.

Then I met this girl. She was 16... she went to some school in the 76th district!

Every winter when she came back home for her vacation, all the neighborhood wise guys would be on the street, dressed like @#$!ing cowboys. Well, Dingos boots were the craze in those days and I was the only bloke without one.

My choice of footwear was just plain flip flops. I liked wearing my Dad's old shirts. No, not the Rajesh Khanna types.... I think it was from Marks & Spencer but it wasn't fashionable to dress up like a preppy then!

This girl was really cool. Part of her coolness was that she only spoke Angrezi, drove her father's Japanese Gaadi and she dressed like she was going to the debutante's ball... everyday! And she was already in love with the local gang leader.

In those days, gangs were cool. You didn't fight with khukhuris, guns or rods or Chains. I think chains were used sometimes... especially after that Hindi flick 'Shiva' was released.

Even though she was dating a local guy, all of us were always trying to impress her with crazy antics. Some would climb her walls and try to throw love letters and flowers and what not. I didn't know where to begin.

Finally a group of wise guys decided that I would be the finalist in this 'who can really hook up with this girl' contest. My opponent was a slick guy, who dressed like James Dean and really was a MetroSexual even before they ever came up with that term.

I was just a skinny guy, dressed in my Dad's old clothes , wearing slippers and learning to fill my lungs with nicotine. How was I supposed to beat this guy? After days of brainstorming with my crew, I finally decided to hire a surveillance crew... a bunch of primary school boys, playing marbles all day!

They were paid in orange balls and cheap biscuits... but it finally paid off. The only routine thing about her schedule was that she liked to visit the local restaurant for afternoon snacks. I decided to have my afternoon khaja @ this joint which turned out to be a cool place.

The owners were from Darjeeling. They were very friendly... like all Dazz folks and since they figured out why I was suddenly making special guest appearances, they decided to help me as well!

After a week of seating at the next table and seriously following 'the law of proximity'... it finally clicked one day. On the eighth day, I ordered a cup of tea (as usual) and instead of sugar... someone decided to put salt. I drank it without complaining... I didn't want to sound like a whiner in front of the lady I was trying to impress!

After finishing my tea, she finally smiled and asked me about my drink. Then there was a small earthquake...not but it felt like one. I just stared at her... couldn't come up with a mind blowing reply. She drove off. I don't think it would take a PhD in pharmacology to figure out who made that 'salty' tea!

Then Archies card shop started to make tons of money. The restaurant became a post office. The owner didn't look happy. Cards, sweets, titauras and flowers and what not. A week of gifts followed and then she finally asked me if I needed something from Dazzworld.

I requested for 'Churpi' and the next week a big bag of Churpi landed on my house. It took me a week to finish it off. Well, the whole neighborhood got a piece and everybody seemed to be walking around the neighborhood as if they had swollen cheeks!

To be continued...

CC2C!

Chandni Chowk 2 China is what desis would call a 'bakwaas' movie! Yes, I bought the DVD for Rs 40... the DVD store is selling it with the cover inside out so that our patriotic folks won't burn down the store.

Warner Bros. spent 10 million US$ for this crap. And thanks to our political activists and the government, our Nepali distributor should be happy that he might get a refund for CC2C! Akshay Kumar will bounce back ... and he might not have to go to China again.

Instead of China, Warner Bros. would have made some money if they had moved the story to New Jersey. Akshay would be a Patel with a Motel and the story could be about how he brings his whole village to New Jersey for a nice Dandiya festival. And maybe add some fight scenes with the Sopranos. That would have clicked!

According to our Khukhurachor Guptachar Bivag (KGB) agents, a group of businessmen are getting together and are offering our Home Minister, Bam Dev 3-4 Crore Rupees. For what? There are 2 grumpy old men vying for the IGP post and one of them is going to get the seat. Let the bidding war begin!

Yes, it's sad but true. If you want to get a nice 'get rich quick' posting then a Police Inspector has to pay Rs 3-4 lakhs to the a-holes working @ the Home Ministry. You have to pay a lakh just to get in the Police Force , so that you can spend the rest of your life cooking and cleaning for some officer and listen to his wife nagging... and his kids calling you names!

The only thing that is going up in Nepal right now are the land prices. Majority of the folks doing the buying are Maobadi karyakartas. Wonder where the money came from? Everybody wants to make the 'black' stuff ... white, why not use a Fair & Lovely cream instead?

Like many folks, I too had thought that things would get better ... I guess it will take some time but until then all's good if you are a member of the Communist Party (Maoist)... if not just stand in a corner and sulk!

I leave u with this Chinese Song... my sister listens to it and u should too!