Impossible Promises

Once again, our greatest Commie party on Earth is making impossible promises it can’t really fulfill. I think it is much easier to promise to send a Nepali person to Mars by 3000 AD than setting targets like achieving more than 10% economic growth and raising our per capita income to US$1,600 in the next five years.

When Oli Ba was our Prime Monster the first time around, he promised us that we would all have cooking gas lines installed at our homes and we could forget about gas cylinders. Oli Ba this time has promised us rails and ships from China and India and we should be making money when the rails connect Kerung to Kolkata. Let us do the math. If Melamchi has taken us more than twenty years and it is still not ready then expect the railways and ships to arrive in our land next century.

How on Earth are we going to achieve 10% economic growth when our own netas and civil servants are hell bent on extorting from both domestic and foreign investors? We are not China or India. These two chimekis invite foreigners to invest in their land by offering them tax breaks and incentives. What do we offer? Nothing but lot of red tape and our civil servants create obstacles if the investors fail to give chiya kharcha to our chor hakim sahebs. 

And when our hakim sahebs do not get the chiya kharcha then they are not able to give the cut to our netas and when that happens, one does not get lucrative postings or get promoted. Here in this land of ours, those who break the law seem to be rewarded with top government positions. Everything is for sale and if you have the dough to buy our civil servants and netas then you will get anything you want. 

We hear about our business houses and lots of foreigners are only interested to open cement factories in this country. In a decade, don’t be surprised if we have a cement factory in every neighborhood and if you think air quality in our land is bad now then just be ready to buy a durable gas mask and an oxygen tank on the side when you go out to buy vegetables then.

Oli Ba tells us that we should be proud of his government because it wants to make Nepal peaceful and prosperous by restricting freedom of speech, peaceful assembly and other fundamental rights enshrined in the constitution. 

I think our comrades have either lost their minds or they have become too big for their boots because they have the majority in the parliament and they can get away with almost everything till the next federal elections. And our Madame President is only interested to cut ribbons and make foreign trips instead of telling our old crazy men to get their act right.

Oli Ba tells us that in the next five years, his government will be omitting ‘L’ from the LDC status of this country. Yes, from the “least developing country”, we will probably be an okay country by 2024. Whom are we kidding?  This is the land where most of us barely make a thousand dollars a year while our netas and civil servants spend that amount in bideshi whiskey in less than a month. 

Our thulo mancheys love to ride around in gas-guzzling SUVs while our transport wallahs pack us like sardines in local buses and charge us whatever they like. 

Look at our taxi wallahs. If you get a person to go on an official meter then he or she should receive a medal from the President. It’s hard to find an honest byapari these days. Well, it’s very hard to find an honest civil servant, cop or even a clown these days. Our government is run by clowns who think this country is a big circus and we will pay anything and clap at every nataks put on by our freeloaders.

We live in a land where we pay tens of billions of dollars to our chimekis to buy their stuff while we don’t even make a tenth of that in return. It’s time to save some money for the country and for all of us. I think our government should scrap the Visit Nepal 2020 project and instead come up with a ‘Save Nepal 2020’ campaign where we stop buying anything foreign for at least a year and save billions of dollars this coming year. 

Yes, let us not buy expensive vehicles for a year. Let us not buy smartphones for a year. Let us not buy branded clothes for a year. Let us do some carpooling for a year. Make it mandatory for a person with a car to drive at least one other person to work or to another destination. The same should go for the bikewallah as well. 

Ban all loans for private vehicles for a year and give loans to small businesses instead.  Support local farmers and products for a year and see if you like it or not. We are spending billions of dollars on apples and bananas, buffaloes and goats and many more. And ban all foreign travel for everyone from our netas to common folks. Instead of spending thousands of dollars on vacation to Thailand and Singapore, let us spend a fraction of that on domestic tourist spots instead. 

If our Finance Minister is really eager to help this country be self-reliant then he should first ban all bideshi whiskey so that even our contractors and fake VAT bill byaparis can save some money so that they don’t have to buy a truck load of Blue Label to gift it to our netas. Yes, our civil servants and netas should send their kids to community schools and not to the UK like our comrade Biplab does. Our netas should drink local chyaang instead of the local raksi from Scotland.

And the first person who will probably be suffering from withdrawal symptoms and go crazy when the ‘Blue Label’ ban goes into effect will be our Emperor, who once was considered our savior to get rid of all the ‘old’ Nepal stuff but who has himself turned into a Shree Aath Maharaja once he tasted the power of Baluwatar. 

Our Emperor will be in Baluwatar again if Oli does keep his promises of playing musical chair. Let’s see how he does this time around. Till then, let us enjoy Oli Ba who has now even made Comical Ali from Baghdad look like a second-rate comedian.

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Fools Don’t Invest (FDI)

Our great Commie government on Earth is organizing the Investment Summit next week to attract cunning foreigners to invest in this country. Yes, fools don’t invest in this land. Well, they do but most of them are Nepalese. We invest in our land believing that this country is finally on the right track to peace and prosperity. And then, we get fooled again and again because we still have to worry about extortion from both civil servants and criminal outfits.  

And thanks to our government, we will now have to pay taxes from the local to province to federal and end up broke by the time we file our audit reports for the year. If you really want to invest in your own country, then start a political party instead. You don’t have to pay taxes and you don’t have to worry about filing your financial statements on time and don’t even worry about how to declare the source of your income. 

The KYC (Know Your Customer) natak is for common folks whereas con artists in this land ask our chor byaparis to send their black money to the Cayman Islands and then bring it back to this land in the name of FDI. No wonder, most of the commercial complexes and other businesses are owned by our netas in the name of their wives, cooks and drivers while we the people have to go to the Middle East to work as cooks, nannies and drivers for the Sheikhs there.

You really need to be brave, stupid and be willing to pay off our netas, civil servants and contractors to make any money from our land. Just look at the Italians working on our ‘Melamchi’ project. We all knew all along that it doesn’t matter if you are a domestic or foreign contractor, your cheque will not clear until you pay off our bureaucrats. It doesn’t matter if you are supplying a pen drive to the local government office or a train to some Ministry. Our sarkari hakims and mantris want their cut.  

I think our Oli government has got it all wrong. House of Oli seems to be hell bent on banning peaceful assembly, freedom of religion, freedom of press and what not and it is ironic that it wants to attract bideshi money to invest in projects here at home. 

I think our netas and civil servants have forgotten that it is not going to get any FDI from Venezuela, North Korea or other places where dictators have all the fun while the people are always on the run. Those who may be interested to invest in our land mostly come from democratic countries or those who may practice one party rule but support capitalist economic model for development.

Our Minister of Miscommunication wants to even do away with social media sites so that us, Nepalese want have to read tweets from the most powerful man on Earth who has insulted us by calling our land ‘Nipple’. And so far, our government has not even recalled our Ambassador in DC and did not bother to ask the Amriki Ambassador here for clarifications. 

And now our great Emperor, the great communist warrior has once again proven that he is indeed a magician who can satisfy his comrades by calling out Amriki imperialism and supporting Maduro and then after the heat is turned off, he turns around and asks the Amrikis to make it easy for him and his family to seek treatment for his wife in the United States of Amrika. 

We really wish Sita Auntie well and hope she will get the treatment needed but at the same time, it would also be nice if our netas and civil servants focused more on making our public hospitals efficient rather than selling out to the medical mafia.

Well, let’s get back to the Investment Summit! Our government wants to convince bideshis that it will approve so-called FDI within a week. Well, we can believe that but it will probably take a century to take your money back if you do make a profit from our land. It seems that our own government is anti-people but think they can convince the bideshis that their money will be safe and they will get better return on investment here than their backyard. 

Our Nepal Rastra Bank wallahs have decreased the amount of Amriki dollars we can take with us when we travel abroad and it has also cut down on how much we can spend in India. And either the bideshis don’t read the news of this land or think they can get away with everything if they pay off our chors. 

So don’t be surprised if one day, Ncell wallahs tell us that they have been paying off whoever becomes the Minister of Miscommunication. Yes, our country is run by crooks who teach you to cook your books so that you can get off the hook if you pay them off. 

Dear Oli, we really don’t need foreigners to come to our land and invest in our projects. Just ask us, fellow citizens to sell our gold, silver and pots and pans and we will be more than willing to invest in our own hydropower and other so-called mega projects only if you can guarantee that we will not lose our shirts and our homes and we will not be threatened by our own underground outfits.

First, make your own citizens feel safe in their own land and create an environment for them to invest their own hard-earned money before wasting our taxpayers money to hold a summit for bideshis. 

But if you really want to hold such summits then do it at Everest and maybe the Chinese will build a highway to the top of the world while the Austrians will build cable cars and the Indians will shoot their movies there and we, Nepalese will just make a few pennies while the smart bideshis will take home dollars, only if they are willing to pay off our sarkari accountants to clear their cheques. That’s how it works and so far it has been working fine for our chors!

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Nobel for Oli

Our national comedian masquerading as our Prime Monster could win the Nobel Peace Prize next year if he can ask the Desis and the Paks to calm down and finally work on a deal to end all conflicts in the region. Yes, it’s about time our netas focused on global issues than domestic ones because we know that our clowns are not going to do any good for this country except help the contractors get richer and pocket commissions from them. 

And our netas all love bideshis especially their funds and support even though they claim otherwise. If a Korean Cult can hand out cash prize and medals then why not the Nobel Committee as well?

Kashmir has always been a sensitive issue for both countries. And some day, we should not be surprised if our chimekis start throwing nukes at each other over Kashmir. But let’s hope that it won’t be in our lifetime and when the nukes do hit the fan then our country would be rich enough to build underground nuke-friendly bunkers for all citizens. 

Yes, we are actually surrounded by nukified countries and either we should also start our own nuclear program or ask the Chinese and Indians to help us build bunkers instead of highways. Yes, we have to ask them to compensate for making our neighborhood a dangerous place to live.

It’s funny that India sends talented folks to Amrika to work in the IT and many other sectors while buying fighter planes from Russia. I have no idea what Pakistan sends to Amrika but they have been receiving billions of dollars in aid and fighter planes as well. Our Emperor Prachanda should learn a thing or two about global politics. 

The first rule in world politics is never criticize the United States unless you have nukes or you get your dough from Putin. And with the Indo-Pak conflict, we should just keep our mouth shut but ask the Indians to not use our brothers to fight the Pakistanis. But of course, our netas make a big issue about the British recruiting our folks but even our comrades have forgotten most of their 40-point demand so they seem to have no problem with India recruiting our folks in their army. 

I think it’s about time we pulled back our folks from foreign armies and police force and instead work out a plan with the UN wallahs to form a rapid reaction force of half a million Nepali folks to be deployed to any conflict zone on Earth and bring peace to the world and of course a few more dollars for the families of those working for peace.

North Korea can call Trump names because they have some home-made nukes and we could have hosted the Trump-Kim Summit instead of Vietnam or Singapore. Why not have Trump and Kim come to Nepal and have coffee at Everest Base Camp or climb Everest together? After all, it’s not that hard to climb the tallest mountain in the world when our Sherpas do all the hard work and risk their lives for a few lakhs while trekking companies both domestic and foreign make a ton more.

Well, we failed to get Trump and Kim but we should not lose hope. We have a conflict right here in our backyard and this is the best time for us to step in and invite Modi and Imran to Kathmandu. Then they can go to Everest and spend a day or two there and work out their differences. 

But the Indian media seems to be the worst in the world and once again they have shown that most of the folks working in TV over there are stupid warmongers who would put the FOX TV and the right-wing conservative media wallahs in Amrika to shame. I think folks who want to go to war over anything should be the first one to be sent to the frontline. 

Then they will realize that war is not pretty. We have seen how bad the Indian media wallahs are when they were here during the earthquake.  At least, our media wallahs are peaceful folks and keep quiet even when Biplab dai and his comrades go on a bombing spree across the country. 

Now is the time for Oli to be a real neta and put his mark in the SAARC region. 

Pick up the phone and call Modi and tell him that you know that he is going to win again. Pick up the phone and call Imran and tell him that we have Sandeep and a few balls here as well. 

And then ask both of them to visit our country for high tea and then have the greatest photo-op in the world by hugging both leaders like you will never let them go. And then Oli might get the Nobel Peace Prize next year. Yes, Go Oli Ba!

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com