Our Comrades

Our Emperor is having a tough time keeping all of his courtiers happy. Dr. Saheb now wants to be a simple party cadre instead of being the vice-chairman. I think it’s time we request our comrades to act like real ‘men and women’ instead of juvenile delinquents. Grow up and sort out your differences like civilized human beings instead of crying, shouting and then pouting.

Dr. Saheb  also wants our Napoleon to step down and pave way for the young comrades to take charge of the biggest racket in town.  A month ago, some of our comrades had proposed an age-limit for top leadership of the party.  But nobody wants to leave the building at 65.  After all, when you have tasted power, you are not going to leave the scene to live like a hermit. 

I hope Dr. Saheb will now use public transport to attend party meetings.  And when going to Gorkha for his monthly bhet-ghat karyakaram, please do walk all the way from the capital instead of taking a bus from Kalanki. That would really make the party cadres proud and our Emperor will have a tough time trying to match such nataks. 

After all, the great chairman only knows how to use them muscles and money. He can either give you a break by doling out millions to break up your party or send his enforcers to break your leg. If Kollywood one day makes a remake of the ‘Godfather’ then we know who will get to play the leading role.

Baidya uncle and his crew have now formally announced that they will boycott the upcoming Constituent Assembly (CA) polls.  It really doesn’t matter if our netas make informal or formal announcements. At the end of the day, our freeloaders don’t have any vision and the only thing they know is how to shut down the country and make all our lives miserable. 

The Afghanis have the Talibans and maybe we should rename our comrades, Balibans. The angry birds really hate everything Desi.  They did shut down our theaters for screening Bollywood flicks.  But it was only  for a week or two and the hall wallahs were back with the usual Bollywood and Hollywood movies. I guess the hall maliks decided to voluntary donate some dough to the Balibans.

Our dash-comrades should make a formal announcement of invading India next week. After all ,our comrades see India as the enemy number one. It would be fun to watch Baidya uncle leading the charge as he hops across the Indian border.  

It could be a David vs Goliath story. But he will need a massive catapult if he wants to hit Delhi.  Maybe, our Balibans should visit North Korea, Venezuela and even Iran and come up with a master plan to at least provide us some relief from all the shortages of everything  and what not. That would really win the hearts and minds of the Nepali people.

The North Koreans can give us new technology like how to produce counterfeit currency, fake Marlboros and of course, long-range missile technology. Dennis Rodman will even visit our land and work as a coach for the national basketball team for a year or two. He surely is tight with Little Kim. Our traders won’t have to worry about rising Amriki Dollars since they can buy cheap fake dollars to import goods. 

The US will probably send their secret service agents to investigate the fake currency racket and landlords in the valley can jack up their rent prices every time, a bideshi wearing one of them ‘Men in Black’ suits show up at their door. 

Our smokers can save some money by buying fake Marlboros until their lungs run out. And who cares if  Little Kim’s missile technology doesn’t work. We can use the big-arse rockets as border pillars and that would probably make the Desis think twice before meddling into our affairs.

The Desis import oild from Venezuela and Iran. If Baidya uncle can visit them two lands and make some speeches about how he is going to use a catapult to knock off the imperialist pigs then we are sure to get cheap oil from them. The Desis can’t say no to their requests to drop off their free gifts across the border.

But of course, our Balibans don’t have the courage to do anything except make speeches about foreign hands conspiring to make our country a failed state.  If they really want the world to take notice of them then they should be asking Edward Snowden, the former CIA contractor turned whistle-blower to leave Russia and come to Rolpa. 

If our comrades are really anti-capitalist, anti-imperialist and anti-everything then this is the right time to cash in. If we can get Snowden in Nepal then Germany will probably increase its foreign aid by ten-fold. Hong Kong will probably give us visa on arrival and China will build highways across our land for free. After all, nobody likes to be snooped upon.

Let’s Go For A Hike

Our incompetent civil servants want a pay hike.  How about going for a hike to Shivapuri every Saturday  instead of draining our state coffers?   Our spineless government is planning to increase the salaries of the ‘chiya kharcha’ wallahs by 18 to 25% because our lazy bums can’t keep up with inflation. 

What about us?  We are keeping up pretty well despite the corruption, pollution and never-ending frustration while hoping for a new constitution.  Our visionary clowns seem to know more about destruction than reconstruction. And somebody needs to remind our buffoons that the government should be there for common citizens instead of just handing out freebies to civil servants, contractors and cadres.

The micro-wallahs threaten to stay home, drink local moonshine and play cards all day if they don’t get to increase the fares. The Taxi wallahs threaten to park all the 7,000 taxis in the middle of Kathmandu if the government doesn’t raise the taxi meter fares.  

If our cabbies were given the opportunity to write the constitution then they would probably add ‘the right to tweak meters’ as one of the fundamental rights of a cabbie. And now the No Oil Corporation (NOC) is planning to increase the commission to our LPG dealers while they continue to incur losses on them cylinders.

No wonder, the state-owned corporation is in debt while the capitalist pigs are minting money.  But let’s not be too harsh on our capitalist jackals since they too have to contribute millions of Rupees to our political parties. The NOC staff, from peons to hakim sahebs continue to fill their pockets while we have to wait in line for hours to fill up our tanks.

The last time our civil servants  got a pay raise was three years ago. Now, the lazy bums want a minimum wage of at least Rs 20,000 per month.  Yes, they too have to pay them school fees  for their kids and the annual admission fees will break the backs of any parents. They too have to take the Micro to work and the rising food prices affect them as well. 

But the only difference between our civil servants and common citizens is that we have to somehow manage our budget with our monthly paycheck whereas our sarkari chors have hundreds of tricks to extort money from the public.

Instead of increasing their salaries, why not ask the Food Corporation to provide ‘free rice’ for our government employees?  Let us stop sending ‘inedible’ rice to our rural area. Let’s give it to our lazy bums. No, we are not trying to make them sick but they should get the opportunity to taste the stuff that our poor villagers have to eat. If the common citizens can’t get to share the gain then our sarkari hakims should at else get to share their pain.

Our government employees could save some money if they send their kids to public schools. And who knows, maybe then we will have competent teachers and the SLC pass rate at our government schools will shoot up dramatically. All civil servants should only be allowed to seek treatment at government hospitals.  The government will then do something to improve the services at them hospitals and our civil servants can save tons of money on medical bills.  

Hope our beloved President  will ask the Japanese to help our hospitals so that he won’t have to spend millions again to learn more about how the intestine works.

Our Chief Secretary gets like Rs 33,640 per month whereas a peon makes Rs 9,900. But if you add the ‘express service’ fee paid by service seekers in government offices then even a peon will take home at least two or three times his monthly salary.  As the bribes move up the food chain, everybody is happy.  

If you want to get a lucrative posting then you will have to pay lakhs to your hakim saheb. Then the big fish has to pay some more to the minister. The minister will have to set some dough aside for his or her party.  And the party will have to spend it on chiya kharcha for their cadres.  No wonder, our Baidya uncle and the other weaklings want the Khilly crew out so that they can enjoy a ministry or two.

In the past sixty years, we have seen the Shree Tins and the Bada Hakims, the Shree Paanch and the mandaleys, the Kangaroos, the Unidentified Moronic Losers, the Maboadis and other Kha-o-baadis and now the Khilly crew. It doesn’t matter who comes and goes, our civil servants will continue to drive this country down the drain.  

We should have a ‘no work, no pay’ policy for our lazy bums.  Maybe we should have a new ‘Ministry of Timekeeping’ run entirely by volunteers.  If the incompetent fools want to bunk work then they should also be willing to let go of a chunk off their salaries. It’s time we all got together to dismantle the bloated, incompetent and inefficient bureaucracy. 

Be Prepared....

First of all, let us all pray for the victims and their families affected by the floods here in our land and in India as well.  Hundreds of Nepali pilgrims are stranded in India and hope they will come home safely.  We should send a team from the Nepal Army to help bring our folks home.  

I don’t think the Desis would mind a small contingent from the Nepal Army helping their security forces with rescue works. It would be a nice goodwill gesture from our side as well. After all, our army chief is a honorary general of the Desi army and vice versa and both armies recently climbed Everest on a joint expedition. There is certainly too much brotherly love between them two.

Our incompetent government has announced relief packages for the families affected by the floods and landslides in Darchula district. The families will get Rs 35,000 each as immediate relief for now. Let’s hope our sarkari Draculas will not skim off the funds meant for the people of Darchula. 

Instead of announcing cash packages and other nautanki nataks, please deploy the army and provide food, drinking water, medicine and temporary housing to the affected families.

The government has also pledged Rs 500 million for Darchula in the upcoming budget.  The money will probably go to local politicians and contractors whereas those who need it the most will probably get nothing.  Thousands of folks have been displaced in Bardiya district. But I guess it will take another high-level meeting to decide how to help the folks there.

Every year, hundreds lose their lives and thousands are displaced by the monsoon floods but our government and local authorities never prepare for such disasters.  

Nepal Scouts should stop asking our incompetent fools to dress up as scouts. Khilly dai must have forgotten the scout oath he took a few months ago. All of our civil servants and security personnel should join Nepal Scouts and get some training. Maybe then they will take the Scout Motto to heart and ‘Be Prepared’. 

While our folks are suffering from the early monsoon, Lord Rama is in Japan having sushi and getting examined by Japani doctors. His advisors could have done us a favor if they had asked the President to go on Japani TV and send his prayers and love to the families affected by the floods here in Nepal.

It’s a pity that we don’t have experts who deal with black spots in large intestine.  And even the most qualified bunch of quacks decided to recommend the examination of the presidential intestine in Japan or the United States of America.  Maybe the doctors had relatives there and wanted to send a carton of Wai Wai to their loved ones with the President’s entourage.

While common citizens get expired medicines, our clowns get millions of Rupees for treatment overseas. Our beloved President is getting Rs 6 million for his medical checkup. His entourage will also get chiya kharcha as well.  

We could have saved a million or two if he had gone to India instead.  The Desis give us ambulances and school buses all the time. They would have sent an air ambulance for our President for free.  And he would also be not far from home and could watch the Indian monsoon floods live on Desi TV to get a better idea of what is happening in the neighborhood.

Our top veteran tennis player, Kamal Thapa is back again with his ‘I heart Monarchy’ campaign. Somebody needs to remind him that we already have a bunch of mini-Maharajas now. 

And no we are not going back to just one guy spending Rs 60 million a year, we want 601 buffoons spending Rs 601 million. We don’t want a bunch of King’s men making billions, we want thousands of cadres making millions. Yes, let’s spread the love.

After all, if we allow the King to come back to be our chief guest during the jatras in the valley then you and I will never get the opportunity to loot the state coffer again. We need our politicians in the game so that some of us can dream of having rosy cheeks, expanding waistline and billions in foreign banks someday. 

And the way our Nepali Rupee is nose-diving against the US Dollar, don’t be surprised if it hits Rs 100 per dollar soon. If you have a relative in Amrika then do ask them to send you some dinero. 

And this is the best time to export some handicraft or mula ko achar to foreign lands. But we don’t tend to export much stuff but import nearly everything these days.  Maybe we should peg our currency with the Zimbabwean Dollar instead of the Indian currency. Then, we can all be billionaires and enjoy the good life!