Maoists are not terrorists....

Our great comrades are no longer terrorists. Well, that's what our Amrikans tell us kyaaruh. The US government has decided to remove our Mao In.c from its terrorist list rey. 

I hope our Emperor had a nice party at his Lazimpat Palace hagi. It's already been months and he hasn't left his palace yet. Jay guff diye pani hoonay rahecha.. hamra chor neta haroo lay!

The new Amriki ambassador is in town. Peter Bodde looks like he could be a bouncer at one of them local US$ 3 ko pitcher pauney bar in Texas hehe! I hope His Excellency will hit the gym and lose some weight pani.

Maybe he should go trekking this Dashain ... do the ABC (Annapurna Base Camp) thing and lose like 20-30 pounds. Instead of walking, he should just go running up them hills hola.

According to the US government, them Amriki folks and companies can now engage with our comrades rey. That's great news. I hope our Emperor will invest his loot in them hydropower projects and GE (General Electric) will give him a discount hola ni. GE makes them turbine subrine stuff kyaaruh.

I met a political insider the other day. He was telling me that nearly all of our netas have them Swiss bank accounts rey. There was a guy in the bar, drinking 'Blue Label' and his wife looked like she was going to attack the bartender. Well, she really looked pissed off .. khoi kinuh ho?

Anyways, the story is.. the whiskey guy helps our netas to stash their ill-gotten money in them Swiss banks rahecha. But it's not going good because he has already lost his two sons. 

Both of them happened to be junkies rey and probably OD'ed hola. Abuh tyetro commission khaa-ko kay kam. The guy must be worth Karods and his wife looked like she was really into Botox-ing. Taruh kay ko laagi? We are not going to live forever. I hope he will donate his money to charity before he shoots himself hola.

I really don't understand why our comrades don't invest in them hydropower projects. Instead of just extorting hydropower developers... why not just start your own project ni baroo. The Mao Inc. should start their own tourist buses, tea shops, guest houses. Baroo karykarta lay kaam pani pauney and the big boss will get his cut pani.

Mao Inc. has invested in some hospitals and media companies and them so-called commercial buildings around town. But none of them are making money because our comrades really don't know how to run a business. 

Instead of asking shady characters for financial advice, get the lads and ladies from KUSOM, Ace and Apex baroo.. tyee sabai MBA wallahs! I think they would rather do a better job than jagga dalals and commission wallahs!

I think our Emperor should visit Amrika and invest in gas stations, laundromats and delis. That would really piss off them Desis, Koreans and Chinese hola... hehe! But he will get a green card ni. And our polygamist prince can drive around in a Porsche with his third wife pani. He could open a Nepali restaurant as well.

The Amrikis now think that our comrades are no longer terrorists. Why? I don't know. Back in them days, they did kill Nepali security guards who worked at the US Embassy kyaaruh. Thank God .. they didn't target any Amrikis or else... all our top management at Mao Inc. would now be spending their days at some federal penitentiary in the Midwest.. hehe!

Amrika's foreign policy really sucks but they do take care of their own. I still remember them days when some crazy Pakistani killed some Amrikis outside the CIA ko HQ kyaaruh. The guy fled to Pakistan but the Amrikis got him. When are we going after them Iraqis who killed 12 of our brothers? When will we invade Bhutan?

The Amrikis got Saddam and Bin Laden pani. Well, these two fools were actually great friends with the Kuireys then but I guess things didn't turn out right hagi. Now, the Pakistan ko Haqqanis are the new member of the Amriki hit list kyaaruh.. hehe! 

Jalaluddin Haqqani was once a CIA 'asset' in the 80s.You can cheat on your lover and get away with it but don't ever piss off them CIA wallahs .. hehe... they will come after you. And the Desi RAW is like the mini-CIA and our comrades are their beaches! It's a sad story... myaaan!

Baidya dai and his new Mao start-up will one day be in the Amriki terrorist list unless our Emperor invests in a raksi company and gives Baidya dai 50% share nai. I hear.. Baidya dai is a hard-core drunken master... well, he is a hard-core commie... he needs to read Aristotle Baba and his 'moderation' thing and be a jogi baroo!

Holy Cow! Soon ko Vow!

Nepal ma soon (Gold) ko vow (price).... Rs 60k per tola rey. Who the @#$! buys gold? I don't ....  but Teej is coming and our ladies will need some new saaris, soon woon and they will dance to them 'Poila jaana paam' songs hola ni. 

Well, not all ladies are into them 'teej' nataks but kuirey ko Thanksgiving sale bhanya jhai.... them saari pasaleys and soon sahujis do make a killing during Teej ruh Biha season ma! At least Amrika ma tuh sale bhaney pachi sasto deal paucha ni.. yeha tuh ulto vow bada-yeruh bech-chan yee gadha haroo lay!

Instead of spending thousands on them saaris and gahanas.. baroo... tyo paisa lay euta gau ko baccha lai ek barsa ko laagi sponsor garey kaso hola? Ani biha ko season ma chahi..... please stop wasting your money on them khatas, flowers and stupid big-arse cards. Just put Rs 1,001 khaam ma and give it to the bride hai. 

If the party is at the party palace then they will probably charge Rs 700 per plate. And if you are invited to some five-star hotel (the food sucks anyway!)... then put like Rs 2,000 because them hotels charge at least Rs 1,400+VAT and service charge natak. Bichara biha garney lai pani yeso ali ali hos nuh.. hehe!

The hotels will probably submit fake VAT bills and get away with it. What about the service charge? All them hotels ma Maoist trade unions... so our comrades really don't give a rat's arse about service. If you need a glass of water then go get it yourself.... hehe!

So what's new in new Nepal? Khoi.... them NOC wallahs have raised them fuel prices again. Our domestic airlines have now raised their airfares pani. And our public transport wallahs will do the same natak as well. NOC is still losing Rs 730+ million per month even with the fuel price hike rey. NOC ko negative worth is around Rs 12 billion and it owes like Rs 28 billion to the 'Hello' Sarkar and them banks.

The government wrote off NEA ko debt. It was around Rs 22 billion but our No Electricity Authority will still lose like Rs 5 billion this year rey. And we should be dancing in the dark ... a lot... this winter. Yes paali tuh at least 20 ghanta hooncha hola ni. 

NEA's load shedding schedule is really @#$!ed up. Aaj kal tuh.... the batti goes off every hour. Auney jaaney... hami lai jiska-yeko jasto! I hope our NEA folks will be kind enough to match them load shedding hours to our khaana khaney schedule this winter.

Instead of 8 ghanta bihanuh and 8 ghanta raati ko batti-off tyam... baroo give us electricity for two hours in the morning, two hours in the afternoon, two hours in the evening and probably two hours early in the morning to catch some English Premier League games... hehe!

Tyeso garey kaso hola? Bihanuh waffle khanuh pauney. Tyes pachi deu-so Rice Cooker chalau nuh pauney. Ani yeso belka feri bhaat saat pakauney, baasi daal sabji microwave garnaw pauney. Ani raati.... jado maa heater baal-dai football hare-ney!

NOC lai chahi kay garney ho? Khoi.... I think they should just start selling them fuel suel .. jati ma kineko tyeti ma. According to our Nepal Rastra Bank Wallahs... the valley wallahs consume like 60% of cooking gas, fuel etiyaadi.. batti chahi around 30% rey.

Abuh Raajdhaani ma basya lai kina subsidized rate sate ma bechney.  I think the business wallahs should pay the cost price bhaye pani and the households can get ali discount ma. Petrol diesel pani tyehi ho... why are we giving our byaparis discount?

Bhanney bela ma People's War and all that natak. Ghanta ko janta... our hard-core comrades are full-blown capitalists.  Hami sabai lai joker banayo hagi! If the Maoists are real communists then all them cooking gas, fuel suel, electricity tuh Krantikari sarkar lay dinoo parney ho hami lai .. free ma. Ali ali bhaye pani free ma hoonoo parney ho ni?

Them netas get free fuel, batti , telephone ko laagi paisa, ghar bhaada ruh ajhai kaam garney lai taw-luh paney. Kya ulto hagi hamro desh tuh? Janta bhok bhokai.. Neta haroo sabai ko gala bhookka fookka! Chya... laaz naw-bhaako paaji haroo.. thukka!

I think it's time we had the 'ration' card system. We get a certain amount of sugar, saboon, masu, petrol, cooking gas from the state. Sabai lai ek naas kya. Prachandoo should get only two pegs a day and so should we.. hehe!

The government wants to distribute identity cards to the poor rey. The 'real' needy folks will get them cards but they won't get stuff at affordable prices. The political cadres will probably get them cards too and they will get all them stuff and sell it to the byaparis. And our byaparis will then sell the so-called daily essentials to the poor folks ..... 50% profit kha-ye-ruh. Yestai cha Naya Nepal ma!

Today's guff was supposed to be about Gold. Why do people buy gold? Well, some of us want to have something we can just grab and run if we have to leave the country hola.  Kasai ko laagi.. it comes in handy when you need some cash. Jay bhaye pani investment ko laagi bhanchan. 

All them netas have tolas of gold and silver etiyaadi. And it's not like ek or dui... if you read them news then it's like 50 tolas, 60 tolas... neta haroo ko sampati bibharan ki kay bhancha ni. I think Prachandoo has a soon ko haatti nai but he is not telling us.. hehe!

Our corrupt clowns can't even carry all that gold and run if the jantas decide to storm the mini-palaces and start a 'French' revolution on our netas and civil servants. 

But of course, our netas don't have to run away  ni. It's our young and beautiful who have to leave this land of ours so that they can make some dough. Every year, more than 300,000 (aroo 200K tuh feri gaako ho rey) folks leave Nepal for them Gulf countries. Uni haroo ko salary 10-12 hajar maatrai. 

And the only folks who are minting money chahi hamro cops, civil servants, chor-netas, contractors and them cadres! Instead of buying a tola of gold... baroo go for a 4-5 din ko holiday .. BKK or KL nai.. hehe! 

I hope one day.... we will all get together and parade our netas on the streets while we hit them with uni haroo ko lootya paisa lay kiney ko soon ko dalla haroo lay!

False hopes and dead ends!

It’s been a year since our Dr. Saheb became our Prime Monster and we have to thank him for sticking around. If Dr. Saheb resigns tomorrow, then all hell will break loose.  Well, that’s what our board first wallah tells us as if he is trying to spook some kids with some ghost stories.

So what will really happen if our smarty pant decides to leave Baluwatar and let the other crooks  fight it out for the kurchi?  Baidya dai and his crew will invade India. Gyanu Uncle will become the chief guest at the next Bhoto Jatra.  And our Madhesi leaders will be running for election across the border. 
 

Nope, not going to happen because no matter how stupid our netas act, they are not going to go crazy until they get their blessings from the bidhesis! Well, China actually doesn’t care what we do as long as they find them pictures of our cops harassing Tibetan protesters in Kathmandu.
 

Our netas and civil servants are more eager to keep our dumpling and dosa neighbors happy than respecting human rights. Our netas all seem to forge consensus only when it comes to withdrawing criminal cases against their cadres.
 

The Amrikans will only care about us if them Amriki companies find some oil in the middle of the country.  So, it all comes down to the Desis. Our netas may spin conspiracy theories about the evil Indians but at the end of the day, they do get their chiya kharcha and pat on the back from the Bi-Desis.
 

Dr. Saheb met Raul Castro and Hugo Chavez in Brazil. And we still haven’t gotten any Cuban doctors or free oil from Venezuela yet.  I hope we get some freebies from Iran this time.  Iran has oil, date fruit and mullahs.  

What do we have?  We have morons running the country down the drain. And the same natak has been going on for the past fifty years. Let us all feel sorry for our Dads. They have seen it all and we might have gotten new circus owners but it’s been the same old act.
 

I hope Dr. Saheb has asked the Iranian President  Ahmadinejad for some help.  Iran could give us some oil to run some of our thermal plants this winter.  That’s only wishful thinking but what we could really do is ask Iran to give us them dry fruits at a heavy discount.  At least it would help us to cut down our expenses this Dashain.
 

Let us hope Baburam dai bonded well with Ahmadinejad.  If Dr. Saheb is not able to pronounce the Iranian President’s name correctly, then he should just break it down to Ah-Ma-Dine-Jad (Yes-I-Give-You-Raksi). And it would be pretty difficult for the Persian to get Dr. Saheb’s name right. He should just stick to the initials.. BB.. my Habibi!
 

Both Habibi and the wine seller have lots of things in common. Both are in their mid-fifties. Both have PhDs.  Both live modest lives and don’t know what ‘compromise’ and ‘consensus’ mean.
 

Dr. Saheb knows a thing or two about urban planning. I think he should just be our Minister of Urban Development for life.  Ahmadinejad has a PhD in transportation engineering rey. But he acts like he is a trained nuclear physicist. Both seem to have misplaced priorities hagi!
 

The Amrikis are probably watching Dr. Saheb’s dance moves. They are not worried but they like keeping tabs on everyone.  Now, if he meets Little Kim from North Korea then Dr. Saheb will be one of the few folks to have met with so-called leaders of nations who are on Amrika’s ‘juvenile delinquents’ list.
 

I think our PM just meets them so that one day, he can organize a photo exhibition in Bhrikuti Mandap. I hope he calls it ‘I am afraid of Amrikans’ and have the David Bowie song play in the background.
 

Not much has changed in over a year since Dr. Saheb shocked us with his Mustang ride.  His mini-sinisters continue to ride them gas-guzzling SUVs and have no shame looting the state treasury. 
 

Hello Sarkar was a great idea and the government could have spent millions on hiring young folks to man the telephone lines but like other sarkari nataks, it lacks resources and coordination.
 

Instead of doling out millions from the so-called fund for youth and entrepreneurs to a bunch of cadres.. why not give all our karyakartas some vocation trainings. We are always in need of plumbers, electricians, carpenters and painters. 
 

They don’t have to work full-time, just show up whenever we have problems and make a quick Rs 200 for tightening the nut bolt or something.  And they will have plenty of free time for their rallies and other nataks as well. But who really wants to work when one can get free dough from the state?