A B-grade movie

Dr. Saheb has given himself a ‘B’ grade for his overall performance so far as our national team captain. And even Kollywood movies have far better storylines than the nataks we’ve seen since our smarty pants dazzled us with his Mustang ride.

Even though our movie-wallahs haven’t gotten over the Bollywood 80s action-pack masalas, at least the good guy bashes up the villains and wins in the end.

In real life, we have criminals shutting down our cities, grabbing land and government contracts, and the good guy has no choice but to leave for the Middle East to make a few dinars more.

Instead of evaluating oneself and passing off with a Distinction, our competent government should organize SMS voting schemes where we can send in our votes and maybe win some prizes. How about a free government vehicle?

Well, our Supreme Court has ruled that even our so-called VIPs aren’t allowed free rides anymore. So I guess no more SUVs for our thulo manchhes until they bend the rules again.

Maybe, Dr. Saheb can give us a ride in his Mustang Max, with the flags fluttering and security detail and all even if it’s for a day. The grand prize winner can pay for the fuel and chiya kharcha for the security personnel and save some taxpayers’ money.

Dr. Saheb isn’t an angry old man who is going through a later-life crisis like comrade Rambo who dreams of invading India one day. He may not have the same juggling skills like our Comrade Chairman who always has that one crazy magic trick up his sleeves.

He’s just like Ali Baba, and he has his forty thieves. Now, we need a genie, but we don’t know if the genie likes dosas or dumplings.

We all feel sorry in some ways for our smarty pants because he did try to save us a few paisas but ended up costing us billions of Rupees, thanks to his Jumbo Cabinet and the “honest” ministers who have really gone crazy and wealthy with their “commission” nataks.

I think someone should remind our netas that zero tolerance means you’re liable for punishment if you break the rules. But I guess we don’t have any rules here in Nepal. The Supreme Court keeps on issuing verdicts left and right and our netas just don’t care.

Our Judges have banned dowry, caste-based discrimination. Yet our sisters are dying because they failed to bring enough dowry, and our Dalit brothers are murdered in the villages because they eloped with higher-caste girls, or wanted to get a quick smoke from a Thakuri’s kitchen.

Uncle Wen decided to stay home and take care of his backyard. But our netas are going in and around town crying as if Dr. Saheb has disgraced our nation. How the hell did we lose face just because the Chinese Premier decided to postpone his visit to Nepal?

Our netas blame the Home Ministry for not convincing the dumpling gang that we were ready to provide hi-fi security for Uncle Jianbao. Why is everyone after our “honest” Home Minister?

Leave the poor man alone. He has already admitted having a notorious don as his right-hand man. His excuse was that he had only one gunda while the comrades had hundreds.

And he’s also working hard to transfer cops from here to there. I hear his relative will be transferred to Laltipur once the current chief there gets promoted. We can’t blame him for taking care of his friends and family. Nepotism is still here in New Nepal, and maybe our Madhesi liberators can teach us a thing or two about meritocracy someday. So far, they only seem to say “Show me the money!”

Maybe our netas, especially our comrades, can learn from China when it comes to foreign investment, tax breaks and also punishment against adulterated food producers, gangsters and corrupt party officials (who seem to have fallen from grace).

Stalin and Lenin don’t live in Russia anymore. Today, Mao is to China what Elvis is to America. We were hoping for some goody bags from the Chinese and billions of dollars in credit.

I guess that will have to wait for a while. Our netas still have some time to take a crash course on Mandarin 101 and impress Uncle Jianbao when he is here. Even an efficient use of chopsticks and pronouncing “Gan Bei” right will do hola.

Dr. Saheb is ill, again. Let’s all wish him a speedy recovery. He should be the next king of Gorkha if we do disintegrate into 22/24 different kingdoms again. He has probably visited Gorkha more than the all the Shah kings combined. Hisila Didi, please make him a chicken noodle soup with a soda on the side.

The Wedding Band(h)

The wedding season is here. Time to buy some ear plugs as your neighbors dance to the latest Bollywood ‘item’ numbers till the wee hours. The party palaces seem to close down by 10 but the music seems to go on forever at the ‘Swagat’ house. Even the aunties seem to be reliving their dreams of dancing like Rekha and Sri Devis hola ni. Or should I say, they will give Rakhi Sawant and Malaika Arora a run for their money.

Our major political parties have agreed to hold local elections by the end of next year. The end is near for the all-party mechanism’s looting spree. At least one party gets to eat the whole cake from then on hola ni.

Maybe we will finally get our local representatives by the next wedding season and hope they do bring out a local ordinance banning all loud music after 10pm. Yes, you only get married once or twice or if you are Rajesh Hamal dai then you might keep everyone guessing hola but disturbing the whole neighborhood seems to be the hot new ‘trend’ this wedding season.

Our competent cops have finally woken up and are now arresting drunk drivers. Hundreds were arrested last weekend for driving under the influence. This is great news but we also need someone to test our cops with the breathalyzers since they seem to be have had more pegs than the arrestees themselves.

And it looks like the ‘bandh’ season is here again with our young cadres of Congress and UMLs taking turns to shut down our cities. The UML wallahs were pissed that only the other comrades were getting ‘free’ money from the Youth and Small Enterprise Self-Employment Fund (YSESEF). Mahesh Basnet, the UML warrior even declared war against the Finance Minister.

Basnet will one day be a mantri and we won’t be surprised but until then he should stop going to war against everybody from the media wallahs to the current mantris. He should follow Gagan Thapa’s footsteps and open a meat stop instead. That’s where the money is but of course chicken prices are down due to bird flu so maybe he can start selling mutton only. And maybe Dr. Saheb can give him some start up money to help this youth with his small enterprise ki kaso?

The Congressis have shut down Chitwan because one of their own got his ass kicked inside the Bharatpur prison. He was doing time for murdering a Youth Force cadre. Our ‘honest’ Home Minister has already suspended the CDO, the District Police chief and the jailor for failing to maintain security inside the prison.

This is the ‘New Nepal’ we already dreamt of where criminals demand better security in prisons while we , the common citizens are left to fend for ourselves. Be it them Congressis or Comrades or the great ‘Madeshi’ liberators, all of them seem to have criminals in their youth organization like we have cockroaches in our kitchens.

And the EU wallahs have decided to place them bandha organizers in their ‘No Visa’ list rey. That’s not good enough. I think they should also stop inviting our netas to try their salmon and other Viking food in their homelands.

The US State department has also lifted our country from its travel advisory. We still want Madonna or Lady Gaga instead of Monsanto! And hope Madame Hillary will do us a favor by banning all netas from visiting USA for their kids’ graduations or house warming parties until they finish writing the constitution.

Our netas claim to work to work for us but they seem to forget that we don’t get free paychecks for not showing up at work like them. Bandhs screw up our schedules. We don’t have the time or the resources to laze around in them resorts and fight over petty issues.

We have to pay our rent on time. We have to pay our kids’ school fees on time. Everyday counts and a day of bandh only makes it worse when we are all barely surviving. We live real lives where prices of food, fuel and (transportation) fare go up every three months while our netas think it’s just a game of Monopoly.

They give their cadres ‘Get out of jail free’ cards. They have amassed enough ill-gotten money to last more generations than Chandra Shumser’s and yet they are not satisfied and continue to hold us hostage by their bandhs and nautanki nataks.

Today, our national team plays Afghanistan in the semi-finals of the SAFF Championship. We are in the final four after twelve long years. Sagar Thapa’s free kick at the last minute is what got us here. Now, let’s hope Dr. Saheb will show us his magic too and bring us all together.

One Last Chance...

Let us all congratulate our visionary leaders once again for extending the Constituent Assembly term for another six months.

We have already had four comrade prime ministers and four extensions so far, but even a rough draft of the constitution appears nowhere in sight.

The Supreme Court tells our netas that they can’t keep on extending the CA forever. This is their final chance to get things right or go for a referendum.

Else, they can all go back to their home districts and rule like a feudal lord. After all, most of them have been acting like one anyway.

Some of our netas think that the Supreme Court has no right to interfere with them because the CA represents the people and only we, the people can decide what we want to do with the CA rey.

Thanks guys, you do make us proud. Thank you for promoting massive corruption and culture of impunity. It has really helped common folks hagi!

If we were given a chance to decide, then we would rather want local elections and even do away with the national government.

Dr Saheb is competent enough to run the show himself but he needs people for his call center. I think we can hire thousands of young folks if we only got rid of all the mantris.

Let’s just have a Prez to meet foreign ambassadors and share doodh-chiya with the bideshis. And our prime minister can be like a supervisor at the call center, making sure the customer service specialists are taking the calls.

I think that would be really productive than just attending exhibitions and cutting ribbons here and there.

We got rid of Lord Vishnu and thought things would be better. Now, we are stuck with great change makers who seem to be inspired by Lord Voldemort.

The only folks who are better off than they were five years ago are our ‘honest’ netas and ‘competent’ civil servants. For the rest of us, everything from masu to vegetables to micro bus fares go up every year.

Only 508 CA members were present to vote for or against the 601-member CA term extension. Where did the others go? Yes, we don’t have the full 601 top 1% earners in the nation kya. Some of them are in jail for misusing their diplomatic passports. Let’s all feel sorry for them!

Our former Prime Minister Madhav Kumar Nepal and even young turk Gagan Thapa and other ‘Nepali Tyam’ wallahs failed to show up on time and missed the voting session rey.



I guess they were kind of surprised to find the session start at angrezi tyam. But they should all be happy that they will get paid for another six months for not showing up on time anyway.

And no matter what they say about our veteran tennis champ Kamal dai, we have to give it up for the president of the ‘Lord Vishnu’ fan club. He and his friends as always voted against the extension. At least, no one can blame him for being an opportunist. He sticks to his guns and his tennis racquet.

Our thulo netas have signed another (six-point) agreement so that the majority would vote for the extension. I think they could probably save the environment if they just shook hands and maybe hugged each other instead of wasting the laser printer’s toner and paper.

After all, our political parties have never disagreed when it comes to skimming the development budget and they always like to patch up and mint money whenever it comes to them tender sender.

Let us not feel sorry for our police-wallahs in Sudan. They fought the so-called civil war with bamboo sticks and outdated weapons anyway.

Our major political parties have agreed to form a national consensus government within the next two weeks.

Who are we kidding? Wouldn’t things have gone smoothly if our comrade chairman had formed a national consensus government then instead of wasting our taxpayers’ money and three and half years doing nothing but flying around the world?

Dr Saheb had no choice when it came to the formation his jumbo cabinet. That’s what he said and I guess we have to believe him because he has a PhD and only eats roti and saag!

So who gets to head the national consensus government? We already have had four prime ministers and thanks to their inflated-egos, they wouldn’t want to be just a ‘mantri’ anymore.

Since this is the last time, the CA chairman can sell raffle tickets to all his fellow members and we can telecast the ‘PM and mantris’ lucky drawing live on TV. We can ask Jimmy Carter to come back again and pick the winners from the box. At least this time, it would be as fair as it gets.

Published today @ Republica ko 'The Week' .. and thanks for the edit hai... and for those great 'writers' who believe that their work should not be edited... please go @#$! yourself ... hehe!