Guffadi

State of the (Student) Union

2012-01-27T17:50:00.000+14:00

Don’t mess with our great students who study in government campuses. They are our future ‘visionary’ politicians, ‘hardworking’ public servants and ‘competent’ police officers. And it’s good that finally our public students are united, regardless of their political affiliation. But alas, it was only for them torch rallies and shutdowns.

Students should occupy all parks and government offices and set up camp. It’ll save on rent, and the city landlords won’t be making an extra thousand for a room, the size of a shoebox.

Why not occupy Nepal Oil Corporation and then stop free fuel to the politicians? If our students can’t do that, then they can occupy the microbuses and get free rides instead. But then all the bus-wallahs have their unions and they too are affiliated to political parties, kyaaruh.

Dr. Saheb could’ve really pacified the students if he had asked for thousands of bicycles from the Chinese. Then they wouldn’t have to worry about fuel price hikes, and one day they will have enough mass to demand cycle lanes across the city.

And when holding torch rallies, our students should hang some masu on the torch and by the time they are done running around the city, they can just take the sekuwa out and enjoy the snack, kya.

Instead of polluting the environment, maybe the Chinese can give us thousands of solar torches, baroo, and free packets of White Rabbit chocolate for our students.

Maybe it’s about time we moved our government campuses away from the main streets of Kathmandu. And have you noticed that there are always garages and mechanic workshops right in front of them campuses? We mustn’t be surprised when tyres roll and vehicles are set on fire as students have easy access to used tyres and jerkins of petrol from the nearby workshops, ni.

And all the government offices should also be moved to the outskirts of the Valley so that both the sarkar and students can battle it out in the same neighborhood over their differences.

At least ordinary citizens won’t have to breathe in poisonous fumes and be stranded in the middle of nowhere every time a bunch of students decide to hold an impromptu burning man festival in the middle of the road.

Like our netas, our student union leaders aren’t really interested to help the ‘real’ students. The ‘public’ students have a hard time finding accommodation. Why not ask for affordable public hostels for all students from outside the Valley? The Singha Durbar could be turned into a grand hostel for all ‘public’ students.

Instead of letting the ‘real’ students study and finish their studies in time, our student unions disrupt exams and help their own ‘voting’ crowd instead of the genuine students who have traveled from their remote districts to get education in the capital.

While the real students are in their early 20s, our student leaders have kids old enough to study in medical colleges. It’s about time we had an age limit for student union leaders and our netas as well.

If you are 30, then you better step up into national politics than sticking around in campuses and using the young and beautiful crowd to throw stones and burn tyres around the city.

And when you reach 60, all Comrades can visit China and enjoy the same hike as Chairman Mao did during his Long March, or something. Congressis can settle down in Varanasi and open a museum there, and Madhesi leaders can relax in their farmhouses across the border.

The government is planning to provide discounts to our ‘public’ students. They will get cheaper kerosene and cooking gas, rey. Maybe our student unions should ask for ‘subsidized’ meals for the students and they can utilize their time to focus on their studies instead.

We can ask our army and police tenderwallahs to supply ration to our students. The food might be substandard but it’s edible as we can see how energetic our policewallahs are when they start swinging their bamboo sticks and attacking students, monks and ordinary citizens.

It’s about time city slickers started organizing themselves as well or else we might all have to occupy the riverbanks in the Valley once all our houses are demolished.

Dr. Saheb has some knowledge on urban planning, but so far it looks like we’ll be living with torn down walls, houses bulldozed in half and no pavements for years to come. Nepal Tourism Board should ask Hollywood wallahs to visit Kathmandu and they can use our concrete pile of mess as their backdrop for them war flicks.

And let us all hope that when our public students become our politicians, public servants and police wallahs in 2020, they will have used these experiences to do good for the country. But the question is: Will we still have a country by then?

Dear chimekis, teach our netas how to fish

2012-01-20T15:01:00.000+14:00

First of all, let’s congratulate our security personnel for doing a splendid job in keeping us inside our homes or hidden in our gallis during the dumpling gang’s visit to K-town.

Our police wallahs will be getting new walkie-talkies, the army folks have already gotten new colonoscopy machines hola, and the APF will get some booty too.

Dr. Saheb is probably patting himself on the back again for asking the hot-pot wallahs to stop by for a few hours.

At least the municipality wallahs finally got to do some street cleaning natak, ni. The Chinese had given them 108 trucks to clean our roads and dump our trash a few years ago but the KMC folks are always busy chasing street vendors and collecting parking fees from the mundreys.

And it didn’t matter if you were a Nepali citizen or a Tibetan or a Manipuri guy visiting his pals in the city. If you looked Mongolian, then you were either forced to play ‘freeze’ in the middle of nowhere or hauled to the local police station till Uncle Wen wrapped his visit. Where are our Janjaati warriors?

Our Comrades would probably have gotten more dough for so-called development projects if they had asked all our YCL brothers to wear red bandanas and Commie t-shirts and waved Chinese flags, hola.

If only our netas had the same audacity to stick to a ‘coherent economic policy’ as they do with the ‘One China’ natak, then maybe we wouldn’t have to go around begging for everything from our chhimekis. Kay bhancha ni, beggars can’t be choosers.

We’re hardworking people but our netas have made us look like beggars in front of the world, kya.

There’s no such thing as ‘free lunch.’ So everything our dumpling and dosa wallahs give us does come with strings attached, ni. The Chinese are happy if our police personnel beat up anyone hanging out in Boudha.

The Indians are happy if we keep on importing everything from fuel, khasi and even fresh milk from them. But of course, we have to thank our own political cadres for that since their ‘Nepal Banda’ nataks only helps the Desis since our factories shut down and farmers don’t seem to get any help from the government, either.

Well, the Desis aren’t happy with the counterfeit IC racket but someone always seems to visit our cities and start shooting in broad daylight. I can understand the CIA or the Israelis trying to get rid of them nukie scientists in Iran but why are we letting our chimekis push us around?

Our Foreign Minister is in Japan on medical leave. He also got something like US$30,000 to cover his medical expenses, rey. It’ll probably take an average hardworking Nepali nearly 30 years to make that kind of money.

The average Nepali can’t even afford to go to Norvic but maybe can visit Teaching Hospital in Maharajgunj. At least, the Japanese built it for us, ni.

But let’s not be harsh on our ‘bidesh’ mantri. He used to be a health assistant once but I guess he doesn’t know that we do have highly competent doctors now who can fix his neck or something. And the reason he didn’t visit Delhi like most of our netas is because he didn’t want to piss the Chinese. Now that’s what we call diplomacy.

And our ‘Home’ Minister is now in Delhi with our police chiefs, and like the Chinese, the Desis will also help our police wallahs get some free trinkets. Since our netas are running around begging for everything, why not ask the Desis to give us 50,000 breathalyzers baroo?

Each police personnel can then carry his own breathalyzer and won’t have to resort to smelling people’s breath. And maybe they can check their own just to make sure they haven’t crossed the limit while on duty.

If only our netas didn’t use our police wallahs as their slaves, security guards and scam partners, then maybe we would’ve had a very professional police force, hola. But once in a while, they do make us proud by busting a foreign drug mule or former mantri, based on their instincts, kya.

If there’s such a thing as a ‘Sherlock Holmes’ Prize, then our cops would’ve won that award year in and year out, hola. Hope someday our police wallahs will get more resources and less political interference so they can do their ‘real’ job. And one day, we’ll have faith and trust in the police, politicians, and public servants.

And Shyam Sundar Gupta should probably get an Oscar this year for acting like he was framed by his political opponents.

He’s been an MP, a minister, and hopefully he’ll be legally sworn in as a gangster soon. Not all politicians are gangsters but looks like all gangsters want to be politicians someday.

Operation Lumbini

2012-01-13T09:15:00.001+14:00

Our “competent” government will be launching “Visit Lumbini Year 2012” tomorrow at the birthplace of Lord Buddha. If only our “visionary” public servants had any vision, then they wouldn’t have let as many cement factories and brick kilns compete with them bideshi monasteries, ki kaso?

While them monasteries offer tranquility, the polluting industries contribute to environmental degradation and spoil the serenity of Lumbini. But our sarkari hakims always think backwards.

They let people live on our capital’s riverbanks and now they want to evict them. They let people build homes by the main roads and now they want to demolish them houses. What were our municipality-wallahs doing then? I guess they were all away on foreign junkets, hola ni.

If our so-called leaders have any guts, then they should first demolish all them cement factories and brick kilns in the Lumbini area before widening our city roads so that more motorcycles and microbuses can ply on the roads while pedestrians have nowhere to walk.

Yes, all those who break the rules must be punished. We aren’t above the law but you can bend the rules if you’re a politician, public servant or the police.

Our political parties flout the laws and don’t submit their annual chiya kharcha report on time. How come they don’t have to pay fines and stuff? Maybe somebody should run to the Supreme Court and ask our Justices to force them to disclose who their big moneybags are? Or maybe we should just go through the VAT-evaders list?

Our public servants still move them files based on who you know or if you happen to come from the same village as the hakim sahib. You don’t need to know the CDO or the SP; things will get easier even if you happen to know the Nayab Subba or the Hawaldar.

Our police are very competent at catching drug mules but can’t seem to locate a kidnapped byapari who comes home after paying croresko ransom.

If them factories are forced to relocate, then our byaparis would probably get compensated for it because they are the ones who contribute “donations” to our political parties.

Our squatters will probably get something because they have contributed themselves for them political rallies and banda stuff but homeowners in the city will get zilched.

So it’s about time all homeowners unite and start their own “struggle committee” hola. How about only shutting down your own neighborhood so that the bulldozers and our men in blue can’t come in and act like goons?

Dr. Saheb and his “competent” gang should focus on the Peace Process and writing the Constitution instead of acting like a Mayor and Ward chairpersons, kya. Leave it to the locals and hold local elections instead of turning our roads into piles of concrete mess like it has been struck by some unmanned US drone.

If our microbuses didn’t wiggle like snakes and the bikers stopped squeezing into an inch of open space like a model trying to squeeze into a corset, then we wouldn’t really have traffic jams, ni. Or maybe we should just have one-way streets in the Valley.

But of course, we don’t have fuel for our vehicles or even batti to recharge them electric mopeds. And why are we spending millions on foreign companies trying to study if a metro system is feasible in the capital? Why not let the Manakamana Cable-wallahs build cable cars all around the city, baroo?

NEA got its debts written off. NOC wants the same deal, too. Looks like only the competent ones get free meals, wheels and deals, hagi.

We have a bloated bureaucracy and a little bit of antacid isn’t going to cure the inefficiency and waste. Instead of reforming the system, our netas have done everything they can to deform it beyond any possible repair.

Our comrades only know about purges and wish for a “mass uprising” but seem to be busy throwing paper missiles at each other. Our so-called democrats have already shown us that they, too, can organize a “burning man” festival as efficiently as the Commies. And our Madheshi leaders can’t seem to stop the urge to ask for commissions for everything.

And the biggest joke or the “just another ill-prepared” natak is the “Nepal Investment Year” campaign. Let’s forget the bideshis for a second. Aren’t we all tired of all them blue-plated smarty pants and bhukka tourists?

Maybe, we should stop kissing, begging or even bugging foreigners for spare change. Let’s promote domestic tourism and domestic investment, nai baroo! We don’t need the Chinese to build a mega resort in Lumbini. We don’t need Shah Rukh Khan or Rekha to promote the birthplace of Buddha.

Just open a Facebook page, “You are not a Nepali if you don’t visit Lumbini,” and then see what happens. Maybe it’s time somebody taught the guerillas about guerilla marketing, kya.

Gas, Bus & Cuppas

2012-01-06T12:37:00.000+14:00

While our “hardworking” netas are all bundled up, “ordinary” folks are dying across the country because they don’t have warm clothes for the winter.

Maybe our “honest” Home Minister should ask one of the “Police” tender wallahs to supply all of us “Parkas” or if there isn’t enough money in the state coffers, we’ll be more than happy to receive “thermal” underwear. At least, it’ll keep us warm for the winter.

No Oil Corporation (NOC) loses billions of Rupees each month and them hakim sahebs still haven’t figured out how to stem the losses.

Our visionary netas and competent civil servants all seem to be driving around in gas-guzzling SUVs.

I think we can save a lot of fuel if our public servants used public transportation, like the rest of us.

Maybe somebody should file a writ in the Supreme Court hola. Who knows, if our judges can find all of them “free gaadis for hakims” illegal, then at least we can see our “Shree Tin” sarkars trying to haggle with our khalasis and enjoy being packed like sardines in them microbuses.

If, for security reasons it’s not feasible for them to travel like us gnats and flies, then we can arrange buses for them. Sajha buses will be running soon rey. And they are right across the Mantri Quarters.

Our grand old blue buses can drop our mantris off at work. We can save a few liters of petrol, and pretty soon, we’ll save thousands of liters and maybe NOC will be able to pay their outstanding dues to the Desis on time.

Our government had earlier informed us that it was willing to make the “unpopular” decisions like raise them fuel prices and what not. I guess, like every other government before, our current gang don’t want to take the risks.

After all, we have “Nepal” banda for the sake of bandas; so nobody really wants to rock the boat because our politicians don’t have the courage to do the right thing. They don’t really want to solve any problems but are very good at prolonging them.

Instead of providing subsidies on fuel and cooking gas, why not give us all bicycles? Pollution will go down. We’ll all be physically fit and our blood pressure will go down as we’ll no longer need to argue with the microbus khalasis for that “one” Rupee!

At this rate of underdevelopment, we’ll probably be a “solar” nation by 2020. Well, that can only happen if our government provides subsidies on them solar panels.

I hear the Chinese are really good at this. So, instead of asking for billons of dollar in credit, why not just ask them to give free “solar panels” for all of us. Trolley buses are now rusting; we can run them “solar” buses someday.

We all know that the load shedding problems are here to stay, probably forever, because our “patriotic” politicians are doing us a great favor by scaring away both potential domestic and foreign investors and their own cadres are busy extorting the ones who are already here.

So, instead of bragging about how rich we are in terms of water resources, maybe we can make billions in carbon credit if we go “solar,” ki kaso? No Electricity Authority (NEA), like the NOC, has been begging the government to raise the electricity tariff.

The former “Energy” minister did a pretty good job but our netas thought it was just another circus act. Riding a Mustang was definitely a nautanki natak.

He should have gone for a Reva or maybe got himself a scootie, baroo. Cutting off electricity supply is not an act, it was the “right” decision and I guess our ministries and large industries are back to “free” electricity again.

Our public enterprises should minimize their losses by controlling leakages and making sure that them Ministries and their own employees pay for it instead of getting free fuel, electricity and what not.

While freeloaders have all the fun, we the taxpayers have no option but to grind our teeth and wake up at 4 am to check if there is water on our taps.

The groundwater levels in the Valley are decreasing at an alarming rate. Melamchi will probably take another 50 years to arrive, or it never will.

Maybe it’s time we all go for “rain harvesting” this monsoon. We won’t have to curse the Khanepani people or pay private water tankers for their gooey water.

How about some subsidies on them storage tanks for rainwater harvesting, Dr. Saheb?

Our government doesn’t care. They are more worried about how to extend the CA term again while Nepali janatas are without “gaas, baas and kapaas.” Or in New Nepal, we can say, “Gas, Bus and Cuppas.”

2012 .... end of the world?

2011-12-31T23:59:00.004+14:00

Every year, I come up with them New Year's Resolutions... and when I look back then I realize that I have failed to keep them ki accomplish them ki kay bhancha ni.. so this year chahi I am not going to go with my usual 'I will quit.... ' this and that natak.

My father tells me that I have already started more ventures than late Steve Jobs and while iPod, iPhone and iPad have rocked the world.... my ventures have been more of them iFail type hola .. hehe!

So this year, I would like to lease ropanis of land someplace near ... maybe an hour drive from Lalitpur and start some farming sarming stuff. I don't know much about farming. My great grandfathers were great farmers rey but then rest of the clan decided to do something else!

I like 'dalley' a lot.... khursaani ni feri! So, maybe I will start a 'Dalley Farm' this year. With due respect to all the 'little' people, but I would like a midget to be the face of my 'Dalley' products ... something like that wrestler guy in them 'Balwaan Khaini' products. Never tried khaini , well tried it once and puked and never tried it again kyaaruh!

I would also like to do some event sevent stuff in Kathmandu. Hate them 'so-called' party nataks... and Sabin Rai ko geet pani abuh tuh sabai lay sooni sakey holan.. so this year, I would like to organize a monthly event ... maybe start with 'Van Morrison' night or our old guru-ba 'Rod Stewart' .... hehe!

So instead of listening to Kutumba at every charity function, I would like to hire our 'Nepali' rock stars to sing some 'Roddy' dai's geet or even 'Elton John' ... when I was a young lad studying in Singapore when Lee Kwan Yee was still a Senior Minister hehe.... the only songs (I suck at this singing stuff) I ever covered were Elton dai's 'Sacrifice' and John Lenon's 'Jealous Guy' .... hehe!

I also plan to start jogging again .... I have always wanted to run a marathon but the Real Kathmandu Marathon is a big joke kyaaruh. My brother in law ran the marathon a few years ago and he had to compete with Micro buses, tyampoo, water tankers ... so it's not that fun!

But this year chahi.. I really want to finish a marathon , maybe the first ani tyo pani lastuh nai hola ni.

I have written screenplays yeta oota.... but this year chahi.... I want to make movie. Instead of all them 'so-called' technically khatara new-age Nepali movies... I just want to do a movie on my SLC days and maybe try to screen it right after the end of the SLC egg-jams this year. I think I have finally found the magic formula hola... @#$! them action movies or so-called arty farty wallahs... young folks like to hang out at them malls, cinemas and vyar vyar momo stalls!

So, I guess I will have to open a vyar vary momo stall somewhere near KTM Mall and maybe a kurta-pasal inside KTM Mall and release my movie, a block ootaah Civil Mall ma .. hehe!

Happy New Year 2012 to you and your pariwaar..... God Bless Amrika errr.. Nepal!

with love and best wishes,

Guffadi

p.s. And don't worry, the world is not going to end kya.... The Mayans got it all wrong rey... but if it does end then let's all hope that we will be near our loved ones so that we can die in their arms ... ki kaso?

Politicians, Police and Public Servants

2011-12-29T03:49:00.000-10:00

We have seen countless revolutions, a referendum and so many reforms but none of it seems to have really changed the lives of common citizens except our politicians, police and public servants.

And unless somebody wakes up and smells the Bagmati River, the three Ps will continue to make our lives miserable for many more days to come.

Our politicians need to be reminded that while holding public office, they should work for the common good and not for their own personal profit. And when they become mantris, they should do what is right instead of promoting their party’s agenda even if they face ridicule and nara-baazi from their own cadres.

I think it would be better if our political parties were taxed like private organizations. They should apply for PAN number, and file their audit reports every year. At least, we will then know how much they are raking in from all donations and gifts from our byaparis and bideshis.

Most of our ‘old’ democrats come from wealthy families or seem to have married some rich landowner’s daughter. Or maybe they are really for women’s right because most of their assets seem to belong to their wives.

And our ‘new’ rebels seem to have suddenly gotten richer due to investing in the real estate market at the right time. We got rid of the Shree Tins then the Shree Paanch and I guess now we have to deal with the Shree Aaaths!

Our politicians seem to forget that all good things do come to an end. You can’t just keep on extending the CA term forever while they enjoy the loot. Thank God, at least our Supreme Court stands up for common citizens once in a while.

So if we really want to find out how much our politicians are worth than we should enact a new ‘PA’ law and monitor their personal aides’ bank accounts and their black books as well.

We have seen the ‘Panchayati’ system where the Pradhan Pancha lived like a local prince, we have seen the ‘Parliamentary’ system where Rubel lived like a foreign prince and maybe it’s time we just stick with a ‘Presidential’ system like the Amrikis.

And for those who worry that a President will turn out to be a dictator, we just have to make sure that the only time he can mobilize the army is when we invade a foreign country. I don’t think we have enough soliders or nukes to invade our neighbors anytime soon but Baidya might take a chance if he gets to be the President someday hola.

I think we would be better off if we have only a President than also a Prime Minister and his forty thieves to waste our taxpayers money riding gas guzzling SUVs and dozens of security personnel escorting them as if they are in the middle of a battle zone in Afghanistan.

And instead of our politicians electing the President, we , the people should get the opportunity to directly elect our commander in chief.

Why do we need a President? Because we are tired of getting a new Prime Minister every six months and enjoying state benefits. When we get the ‘real’ President of the ‘real’ republic then we can just scrap all benefits of all former mantris and PMs from the Mandaleys to Maoist to Madhesis and other morons as well.

It would also be fun to watch the Presidential debates where we can ask our so-called thulo netas to name all 75 districts and 14 zones of ‘old’ Nepal. If they find it too hard to answer then we will just let them slide if they can sing our ‘new’ national anthem. I think all of the candidates would fail at that as well.

It’s about time, our politicians talk about their vision and policies to change the nation than listening to their stupid rants and outbursts. We might also get few late night shows on TV like the Amrikis if we go for the ‘Presidential’ system hola.

Our police-wallahs haven’t changed a bit after all these years. The only thing reform in the police service after 1990 was that they changed the color of their dress from the ‘bora’ to blue. They continue to harass and abuse common citizens both verbally and physically and we have nowhere to seek recourse.

Maybe it’s time to either hire locals or send the existing ‘swearing’ sailors to their own communities so that when they swear and beat people up, their mothers will show up at the station and give them a beating instead.

What about our public servants? Well, these buffoons haven’t changed since the 19^th century. We, the public have become the servants while we offer chiya kharchas to get things done. We must ask their mothers for help as well.

Martyrs & Money

2011-12-27T00:41:00.003-10:00

The Supreme Court has refused to review the petition filed by our 'honest' government. At least, we have to thank our judges for standing up for the common citizens kya.

Our stupid netas are now threatening our judges rey. The Supreme Court had ruled earlier that the CA term extension on November would be the last for our nautanki clowns and they would have to go for another election or referendum after the CA term expires.

Now, our corrupt clowns are going around town accusing the judges for acting like goons! I guess somebody needs to remind our netas that they are the ones who have hired thousands of mundrey gundas so that they can make a few billions more from them government contracts and what not.

Our netas tell us that only they represent the people and it is up to them to decide whether to extend the CA term for another hundred years or so. I guess it's now tyam to really occupy Baluwatar, BICC , Singha Durbar and all them so-called prohibited zones.

We will be suffering from another 18-20 hours of daily power cuts this winter again .. so why not take our blankets and briquettes and occupy them places baroo. We can all have chicken noodle soup at midnight and sing songs and dance. During the day, we will eat soontala and badaam... after all our netas and civil servants are not really doing any work ni.

The government has now promised to pay the family of Manbir Sunar, 10 lakhs as compensation to his family. And our Dalit brothers have been shutting down districts here and there, protesting his murder and demanding that Sunar be declared a martyr! Today, a dalit woman was thrashed by some sahuji in Damauli for touching his bucket rey. Next time, I hope a dalit women will castrate the sahuji instead.

The two so-called upper caste men who killed Sunar should also be castrated and they should be sentenced to hard labor, digging ditches in Rolpa and fined Rs 10 lakhs baroo. I think the government should sell their lands and give their sampati to Sunar's famiy instead of wasting our taxpayers money by compensating the victim's family.

Our Congressi chors also want that Congressi gunda, who died due to the prison beating by UML gundas, be declared a martyr. His family also received Rs 10 lakhs from our 'wealthy' government.

Our prayers for them Sunar and Poudel families who have lost their loved ones but if our government keeps on paying off every families then I guess there won't be any left for our bato ghato and bijuli batti (as if we have better roads and electricty nai!).

The Congressis should storm the UML HQ and play a game of Dandi Biyo. Our Dalit activists should invade Kalikot and live in them upper-caste homes and use their land for some collective farming baroo ... but please stop shutting down districts and screwing it up for the rest of us kya.

Lately, we have seen lot of robberies and murders in the valley. Even the soon-chaadi sahujis are shutting down our cities and demanding compensation kyaaruh. Maybe our government would be better off if they came up with some kind of a 'blood money' thing kya.

We do need to reform our laws saws hola.... if you kill someone then you not only spend 20 years doing hard labor in them remote districts but you also have to pay like 30 lakhs to the victim's family.... ki kaso?

And if you are a broke-arse jackass and you can't afford to pay the 'blood money' then you can work for another 20 years more and eventually pay off the victim's family!

Khoi kay bhanney.... the government has announced that it will provide Rs 25,000 to them folks in Terai who are suffering from them cold wave stuff.... tyo paisa pani sabai local cadres lay khaney tuh ho ni! Maybe, we should all donate our blankets and coats and ask the Rotary people to go to Terai and distribute them to the people there.

Three years and counting

2011-12-25T13:48:00.004-10:00

It's been three years now (Dec 15th 2008 ma soo-roo garya rahecha!) and looks like I will keep on guff-ing until I drop dead hola.... hehe!

Not much has changed .... load shedding hours have gone up every winter. Kathmandu ma harek barsa paani sook-dai cha.... we are turning out to be like them Frenchies... taking showers every 3-4 din ma .. hehe!

The so-called leaders are still looking chillo, fat and filthy rich while the rest of us suffer from some kind of respiratory and mental disorders thanks to pollution, frustration and destruction and what not.

Our Maobadis thought that they could copy a story from 'Lenin's nataks' and capture the state or something. They call themselves 'Mao's dumplings' but they are actually following Lenin's playbook kya. Mao and his chums had to walk thousands of miles ... Prachandoo and his chums just hopped on a bus, went to Delhi and ate tandoori chicken and naan with them RAW agents.

Russia had them Constituent Assembly stuff then and Lenin screwed it all up so that he could capture the state... our Emperor also had the same plans but of course, they were as suprised as the Amrikan Embassy when they won them majority of seats kya.

Mao defeated the Taiwanese.... well, they all fled to Tawian ni.. hehe! Prachandoo didn't defeat anybody. Gyanu uncle is still here, enjoying his cigarettes, brandy and late night poker Facebook ma!

And today, Prachandoo has admitted that even though he tried all them tricks, he failed to capture 'state powers' rey..... so all this tyam, fighting in the name of the people chahi sabai joke tuh rahecha ni!

So, Prachandoo just wants to be another 'Jungey' ... yes, the guy who is always riding a horse in Tundikhel kya. I think he should read all them Diamond SJB Rana's novels hola. Jungey started it all but it was not his family who got to live like tyeti bela ko P. Diddy and party like Vijay Mallya hehe!

The Dhir Shumshers killed their own brothers and their families and screwed it up for all of us while they built them palaces around the Valley. Bir Shumsher was worth like a billion pounds (ahiley ko valuation)..... and of course , the Shumshers still own thousands of ropanis of land in the city.

The funny thing about them communists haroo chahi..... they have them 'urge to purge' thing hehe. Baburam and Hisila didi were nearly buried alive back then.... Prachandoo must still be mad at himself hola.

Today, Baidya really wants to go for an all out war and take over Nepal. Somebody needs to remind the school teacher that it's not possible. The Chinese are still pissed at our Maoists for using the 'Mao' brand name. They don't like Mao anymore kya. The Chinese just want one thing from Nepal.... kiss China's arse with that 'One China' Policy natak and beat up Tibetan protesters.

Our politicians and Nepal Police get $$$ from the Chinese Embassy.... to beat up nuns and the Tibetans. Why can't HH Dalai Lama visit Nepal? If Nepal Tourism Board really wants to promote Nepal then @#$! them Bollywood stars.. invite Dalai Lama, Anna Hazare and Nelson Mandela hola!

Mandela is now old and frail so he might not make it hola but if we can get Hazare to come to Kathmandu for some kind of a bhaa-shun karyakaram then who knows... we might get like 10 million Indian tourists arko barsa .. hehe!

And most of the Chinese tourists coming to Nepal are not actually tourists nai..... half of them are in Thamel opening up them hotels, hot-pot stuff and what not but they are only here for the 'Yarchagumba' ki kay bhancha ni! There's something shady going on kya.

If HH Dalai Lama comes then Richard Gere will come and so will Uma Thurman ko bau pani! And we will probably get more Buddhist tourists for our so-called Visit Lumbini Year kya. China batuh bhanda tuh Japan, Taiwan, Thailand and even Steve Jobs jastai Kuirey Buddhists haroo auney sambhawana badi hooncha ni.

I have no idea what I am guffing today..... Merry Christmas everyone and do remember that 'He says to love your brother (and sister), love your enemy, turn the other cheek, don't judge lest you be judged, be patient, be kind, hold your tongue and give every effort to keep the bonds of peace."

The Joke Is On Us

2011-12-23T05:42:00.003-10:00

The country’s oldest democratic party finally got its chance to show us how bad-arse they can be when it comes to them bandas! The other parties have had the decency to inform the common citizens of their so-called Banda at least a day before they took to the streets and burned tyres and what not.

I guess our so-called ‘Gandhi’ wallahs were tired of being labeled ‘dinosaurs’ and ‘old school’ hola. They wanted to be hip and crazy like other political parties who resort to bandas and make our lives miserable.

Surprisingly, the oldest club in town seems to have a large number of mundrey gundas as well. And we must really congratulate on them ‘rapid deployment’ skills. The ‘martyr’ died in the evening and the great ‘cadres’ started their vandalism by early morning. It’s really tough to send SMSes to thousands of cadres ni. I guess they seem to have to a premium account with our telecom providers.

Try sending a SMS to your loved ones, it sometimes reaches the recipient nearly two days after her birthday. And you could see that, apart from one or two so-called ‘student’ netas, most of them were hired goons who were just happy to be on the street and looking forward to destroy anything they had on sight.

Saturday is the only day, we Nepalis get a day off and we either want to stay home and eat badam and suntala or head to the malls and do some window-shopping. And the impromptu banda by our great democrats really screwed our day off hagi. I guess none of their cadres had any plans for Saturday. They were just tired of lazing around, so burning tyres and threatening innocent citizens must have really made their day.

The Nepal Banda on Monday event went further when it came to vandalizing vehicles. Even ambulances were not spared. A cyclist got beaten up and they didn’t even leave his cycle alone. At least the other political parties only resorted to hawa-fuska-ing them cycles.

Even the US ambassador’s status update didn’t deter them from shutting down the country. I think Santa Claus should rather print out the list of all ‘bandh organizers’ and post it on the Embassy walls. Instead of threatening to ban them, why not just go all out and ban them outright.

I think our democrats have already visited Disneyland many times that they are not even worried about not getting a visa to Amrika anytime soon hola.

They demanded the resignation of the Home Minister. He is still smiling. They demanded that that the guy be declared a ‘martyr’. His family has already received 10 lakhs so that’s like getting a unofficial star on ‘Martyr Hall of Fame’ hola ni.

Who is a martyr? I don’t know. I think the joke is on us. Ten years of so-called eating wai wai and wearing Shikar shoes and killing each other really didn’t make Gyanu uncle leave. It took hundreds of thousands of hardworking citizens who came out on the street that made him concede.

And now, we are being held hostage by the same crooks whom we thought would finally change the country for good. We should thank the UMLs for introducing Nepal Bandhs in the country. We should thank the Maoist for hawa-fuska-ing them cycles and now, let us thank the Congressis for not even leaving the cycle alone.

I guess when there is another Nepal Banda again, let us not even venture out hai…. who knows, these goons might even thrash you for walking on the street. I guess they have proved their point. They are as ruthless and violent as all other great political parties.

And the ‘Shree Tin Maharaja’ of the week award goes to our former Home Minister and wannabe Prime Minister, who is still trying to get to Baluwatar after failing so many times. Hundreds of folks must have lost their beloved mothers that day but only he got to travel in a SUV, with state security from Kathmandu to his gaun to attend his mother’s funeral.

And we have to thank our men in blue for standing in the corner like them mute spectators as the mundreys burned vehicles and thrashed innocent folks. Maybe they should just stay in their barracks and police stations and play ping pong if they are not protecting citizens from such nataks. Save the fuel and chiya kharcha please!

Kimmy dai is dead. Bijukche dai thinks he was a great leader. He also thought the same about Gaddafi. I guess the funding is drying out now since not many dictators left to smooch.

And talking about dineros, it’s not only them kuires taking our hard earned money. Nepal Tourism Board wants to invite Bollywood stars to show us their aerobic dance routines and lip synching nataks. Why not invite Anna Hazare instead and maybe he can teach us a thing or two about fighting the corrupt clowns?

Criminals run the show

2011-12-18T08:09:00.007-10:00

Nepali Congress has lost it .... I guess them Kangaroos know that the so-called oldest democratic party will never ever get to loot Nepal like it did when our great Hawaldar Girija Babu ran the show!

I got stuck at Ratnapark this Saturday like thousands of Kathmanduites because our Kangaroos decided to go on a rampage and burn vehicles, force people out of them gaadis and make them walk to their destination kya.

Who is Shiva Poudel? The guy used to be the President of Chitwan ko Tarun Dal. Tarun-eys are like Mao's YCL and Unidentified Moronic Losers (UML) ko Youth Force. But the Kangaroo gundas don't have many mundrey goondas like Youth Force.

YCLs have their share of gundas but comrades still run the show. Youth Force chahi.... they have Milan Chakrey, the one-armed bandit (his other arm is mangled and dangles because he nearly got killed by Deepak Dai ko chela... tyo jawana ma!). And they also have that khalasi turned Don from Biratnagar, Parshuram Basnet... who is still in hiding kyaaruh!

Anyway, lets get back to late Shiva-ji... his brother was killed by them Youth Force gundas a few years back. So, Shiv-ey decided to kill Sanjay Lama, a Youth Force chor! He was arrested with his chelas and sent to Bharatpur Prison in Chitwan.

And then the other gundas decided to attack him inside the prison and he got his head banged up pretty bad. So they had to fly him to Kathmandu and he died on Friday night.

Now, Nepali Congress wants us all to join hands rey... to protest against them prison conditions and Home Minister ko laa-pur-wai. Blawdy Hell... hehe.... abuh gunda haroo ko security ko laagi hami joo-loos ma janey rey! Our Home Minister is another Maha-Gunda. Kavreli Don , Ganesh Lama is his right-hand man!

If you go to them 'City Center' area... all them bato ghato bhataang-bhootoong. Yes, it's a good thing, our traffic police, municipality and the Road Department want to widen them roads to ease traffic congestion but why the @#$! did these sarkaari chors grant permission for them folks to build their houses if it was illegal kya? And what about them sidewalks... hami kaha heed-ney... or should we get some stilts from China and start stilt-walking hola ni!

I met a friend of mine today... well, I was going to a book club meeting ani bato ma saathi po mood-off bhayeruh basi raako rahecha. The Court has told the authorities to stop demolishing them walls, houses and what not until the government decides what kind of or how much compensation they would give to them tole-baasis!

But who gives a @$!% about them court sourt ...our netas and chor sarkaari hakims don't care hola because our judges ask the Police for help and the police-wallahs have nothing better to do but kiss our netas' arses!

Them bull-dozers haroo sabai Ganesh Lama ko rahecha! Yes, he got them contracts for them demolition jobs rey. If the tole-baasis demolish them walls, houses then it's okay rey but if Lama dai's machines roll over then you have to pay Rs 10,000 per hour rey.

The tole-baasis protested and the Home Ministry sent thousands of cops in riot gear. And the cops are now busy scaring the tole-baasis. If you act funny then we have orders to break your bones rey. Even Ganesh Dai's gundas are running around threatening innocent folks to either demolish their walls and ghar shar and stop protesting rey.

Nepali Congress wants Guccha-dar's head.... they want him to resign. If the Kangaroos really want to help then they should call off the bandh and go to Gyaneshor and help the tole-baasis there. Send the Tarun Dal and all them nautanki Nebi-Sangh (Nepal Students Union) clowns to fight with Guccha-dar's gundas ni baroo!

The Amriki Ambassador should also do a chakka jaam in Gyaneshor with his so-called Marine guards and CIA agents hehe.. instead of just updating his Facebook status hola! Why not print out a list of all Congressis and post it on their Embassy ko wall baroo! Something like a black-list kya.... and ban all these goons from visiting Amrika for their kids' graduation, housewarming parties and baby showers etiyaadi.

I have not been feeling well since November ani tyes karan not able to update them posts regularly. And those of you who sent me their mailing addresses, you will be getting your greeting cards hehe. Bidesh ma bhaako haroo might receive it arko barsa hola .. hehe! Kathmandu ka chahi.... I am sending my mundrey gunda to deliver it at your offices. Don't worry... no tyre baaling, no naara-baazi... it will be dropped at the reception , front desk or with the guard-dai hai!

Lau Jai Hos... bholi Nepal Bandha rey.... where did our anti-bandh crowd disappear? It's about tyam we all got together and kicked some arses hola. Abuh tuh atti nai bhayo! Limbuwan shuts down Eastern Nepal, UML wallahs closed down them cities a while ago and now it's our grand old party, the Kangaroos to show us their nataks hola ni.

Maoists will get free tickets to Disneyland hola and Madeshi netas have already made enough dough to pay for their daughters' dowry hola... poor Congressis... they are pissed and broke.... and they need to vent hola ni... so let them act crazy and make a fool of themselves.... maybe Manisha Koirala should open another 'Congressi' party... she seems to be only staying home these days! I hear she's like (semi) separated from her hubby rey. But she likes Gyanu Uncle kyaaruh....

Khoi kay bhanney..... I guess this is the New Nepal... where criminals and corrupt politicians run the show ani haami chai ghar ma basey-ruh kalo chiya ruh makkai khaney hola ni!

** maathi ko cartoon chai alter-salter garey ko ho.. so sorry to the Desi cartoonist from Mumbai hehe!

A B-grade movie

2011-12-16T19:15:00.002-10:00

Dr. Saheb has given himself a ‘B’ grade for his overall performance so far as our national team captain. And even Kollywood movies have far better storylines than the nataks we’ve seen since our smarty pants dazzled us with his Mustang ride.

Even though our movie-wallahs haven’t gotten over the Bollywood 80s action-pack masalas, at least the good guy bashes up the villains and wins in the end.

In real life, we have criminals shutting down our cities, grabbing land and government contracts, and the good guy has no choice but to leave for the Middle East to make a few dinars more.

Instead of evaluating oneself and passing off with a Distinction, our competent government should organize SMS voting schemes where we can send in our votes and maybe win some prizes. How about a free government vehicle?

Well, our Supreme Court has ruled that even our so-called VIPs aren’t allowed free rides anymore. So I guess no more SUVs for our thulo manchhes until they bend the rules again.

Maybe, Dr. Saheb can give us a ride in his Mustang Max, with the flags fluttering and security detail and all even if it’s for a day. The grand prize winner can pay for the fuel and chiya kharcha for the security personnel and save some taxpayers’ money.

Dr. Saheb isn’t an angry old man who is going through a later-life crisis like comrade Rambo who dreams of invading India one day. He may not have the same juggling skills like our Comrade Chairman who always has that one crazy magic trick up his sleeves.

He’s just like Ali Baba, and he has his forty thieves. Now, we need a genie, but we don’t know if the genie likes dosas or dumplings.

We all feel sorry in some ways for our smarty pants because he did try to save us a few paisas but ended up costing us billions of Rupees, thanks to his Jumbo Cabinet and the “honest” ministers who have really gone crazy and wealthy with their “commission” nataks.

I think someone should remind our netas that zero tolerance means you’re liable for punishment if you break the rules. But I guess we don’t have any rules here in Nepal. The Supreme Court keeps on issuing verdicts left and right and our netas just don’t care.

Our Judges have banned dowry, caste-based discrimination. Yet our sisters are dying because they failed to bring enough dowry, and our Dalit brothers are murdered in the villages because they eloped with higher-caste girls, or wanted to get a quick smoke from a Thakuri’s kitchen.

Uncle Wen decided to stay home and take care of his backyard. But our netas are going in and around town crying as if Dr. Saheb has disgraced our nation. How the hell did we lose face just because the Chinese Premier decided to postpone his visit to Nepal?

Our netas blame the Home Ministry for not convincing the dumpling gang that we were ready to provide hi-fi security for Uncle Jianbao. Why is everyone after our “honest” Home Minister?

Leave the poor man alone. He has already admitted having a notorious don as his right-hand man. His excuse was that he had only one gunda while the comrades had hundreds.

And he’s also working hard to transfer cops from here to there. I hear his relative will be transferred to Laltipur once the current chief there gets promoted. We can’t blame him for taking care of his friends and family. Nepotism is still here in New Nepal, and maybe our Madhesi liberators can teach us a thing or two about meritocracy someday. So far, they only seem to say “Show me the money!”

Maybe our netas, especially our comrades, can learn from China when it comes to foreign investment, tax breaks and also punishment against adulterated food producers, gangsters and corrupt party officials (who seem to have fallen from grace).

Stalin and Lenin don’t live in Russia anymore. Today, Mao is to China what Elvis is to America. We were hoping for some goody bags from the Chinese and billions of dollars in credit.

I guess that will have to wait for a while. Our netas still have some time to take a crash course on Mandarin 101 and impress Uncle Jianbao when he is here. Even an efficient use of chopsticks and pronouncing “Gan Bei” right will do hola.

Dr. Saheb is ill, again. Let’s all wish him a speedy recovery. He should be the next king of Gorkha if we do disintegrate into 22/24 different kingdoms again. He has probably visited Gorkha more than the all the Shah kings combined. Hisila Didi, please make him a chicken noodle soup with a soda on the side.

The Wedding Band(h)

2011-12-09T04:05:00.000-10:00

The wedding season is here. Time to buy some ear plugs as your neighbors dance to the latest Bollywood ‘item’ numbers till the wee hours. The party palaces seem to close down by 10 but the music seems to go on forever at the ‘Swagat’ house. Even the aunties seem to be reliving their dreams of dancing like Rekha and Sri Devis hola ni. Or should I say, they will give Rakhi Sawant and Malaika Arora a run for their money.

Our major political parties have agreed to hold local elections by the end of next year. The end is near for the all-party mechanism’s looting spree. At least one party gets to eat the whole cake from then on hola ni.

Maybe we will finally get our local representatives by the next wedding season and hope they do bring out a local ordinance banning all loud music after 10pm. Yes, you only get married once or twice or if you are Rajesh Hamal dai then you might keep everyone guessing hola but disturbing the whole neighborhood seems to be the hot new ‘trend’ this wedding season.

Our competent cops have finally woken up and are now arresting drunk drivers. Hundreds were arrested last weekend for driving under the influence. This is great news but we also need someone to test our cops with the breathalyzers since they seem to be have had more pegs than the arrestees themselves.

And it looks like the ‘bandh’ season is here again with our young cadres of Congress and UMLs taking turns to shut down our cities. The UML wallahs were pissed that only the other comrades were getting ‘free’ money from the Youth and Small Enterprise Self-Employment Fund (YSESEF). Mahesh Basnet, the UML warrior even declared war against the Finance Minister.

Basnet will one day be a mantri and we won’t be surprised but until then he should stop going to war against everybody from the media wallahs to the current mantris. He should follow Gagan Thapa’s footsteps and open a meat stop instead. That’s where the money is but of course chicken prices are down due to bird flu so maybe he can start selling mutton only. And maybe Dr. Saheb can give him some start up money to help this youth with his small enterprise ki kaso?

The Congressis have shut down Chitwan because one of their own got his ass kicked inside the Bharatpur prison. He was doing time for murdering a Youth Force cadre. Our ‘honest’ Home Minister has already suspended the CDO, the District Police chief and the jailor for failing to maintain security inside the prison.

This is the ‘New Nepal’ we already dreamt of where criminals demand better security in prisons while we , the common citizens are left to fend for ourselves. Be it them Congressis or Comrades or the great ‘Madeshi’ liberators, all of them seem to have criminals in their youth organization like we have cockroaches in our kitchens.

And the EU wallahs have decided to place them bandha organizers in their ‘No Visa’ list rey. That’s not good enough. I think they should also stop inviting our netas to try their salmon and other Viking food in their homelands.

The US State department has also lifted our country from its travel advisory. We still want Madonna or Lady Gaga instead of Monsanto! And hope Madame Hillary will do us a favor by banning all netas from visiting USA for their kids’ graduations or house warming parties until they finish writing the constitution.

Our netas claim to work to work for us but they seem to forget that we don’t get free paychecks for not showing up at work like them. Bandhs screw up our schedules. We don’t have the time or the resources to laze around in them resorts and fight over petty issues.

We have to pay our rent on time. We have to pay our kids’ school fees on time. Everyday counts and a day of bandh only makes it worse when we are all barely surviving. We live real lives where prices of food, fuel and (transportation) fare go up every three months while our netas think it’s just a game of Monopoly.

They give their cadres ‘Get out of jail free’ cards. They have amassed enough ill-gotten money to last more generations than Chandra Shumser’s and yet they are not satisfied and continue to hold us hostage by their bandhs and nautanki nataks.

Today, our national team plays Afghanistan in the semi-finals of the SAFF Championship. We are in the final four after twelve long years. Sagar Thapa’s free kick at the last minute is what got us here. Now, let’s hope Dr. Saheb will show us his magic too and bring us all together.

One Last Chance...

2011-12-02T00:21:00.003-10:00

Let us all congratulate our visionary leaders once again for extending the Constituent Assembly term for another six months.

We have already had four comrade prime ministers and four extensions so far, but even a rough draft of the constitution appears nowhere in sight.

The Supreme Court tells our netas that they can’t keep on extending the CA forever. This is their final chance to get things right or go for a referendum.

Else, they can all go back to their home districts and rule like a feudal lord. After all, most of them have been acting like one anyway.

Some of our netas think that the Supreme Court has no right to interfere with them because the CA represents the people and only we, the people can decide what we want to do with the CA rey.

Thanks guys, you do make us proud. Thank you for promoting massive corruption and culture of impunity. It has really helped common folks hagi!

If we were given a chance to decide, then we would rather want local elections and even do away with the national government.

Dr Saheb is competent enough to run the show himself but he needs people for his call center. I think we can hire thousands of young folks if we only got rid of all the mantris.

Let’s just have a Prez to meet foreign ambassadors and share doodh-chiya with the bideshis. And our prime minister can be like a supervisor at the call center, making sure the customer service specialists are taking the calls.

I think that would be really productive than just attending exhibitions and cutting ribbons here and there.

We got rid of Lord Vishnu and thought things would be better. Now, we are stuck with great change makers who seem to be inspired by Lord Voldemort.

The only folks who are better off than they were five years ago are our ‘honest’ netas and ‘competent’ civil servants. For the rest of us, everything from masu to vegetables to micro bus fares go up every year.

Only 508 CA members were present to vote for or against the 601-member CA term extension. Where did the others go? Yes, we don’t have the full 601 top 1% earners in the nation kya. Some of them are in jail for misusing their diplomatic passports. Let’s all feel sorry for them!

Our former Prime Minister Madhav Kumar Nepal and even young turk Gagan Thapa and other ‘Nepali Tyam’ wallahs failed to show up on time and missed the voting session rey.

I guess they were kind of surprised to find the session start at angrezi tyam. But they should all be happy that they will get paid for another six months for not showing up on time anyway.

And no matter what they say about our veteran tennis champ Kamal dai, we have to give it up for the president of the ‘Lord Vishnu’ fan club. He and his friends as always voted against the extension. At least, no one can blame him for being an opportunist. He sticks to his guns and his tennis racquet.

Our thulo netas have signed another (six-point) agreement so that the majority would vote for the extension. I think they could probably save the environment if they just shook hands and maybe hugged each other instead of wasting the laser printer’s toner and paper.

After all, our political parties have never disagreed when it comes to skimming the development budget and they always like to patch up and mint money whenever it comes to them tender sender.

Let us not feel sorry for our police-wallahs in Sudan. They fought the so-called civil war with bamboo sticks and outdated weapons anyway.

Our major political parties have agreed to form a national consensus government within the next two weeks.

Who are we kidding? Wouldn’t things have gone smoothly if our comrade chairman had formed a national consensus government then instead of wasting our taxpayers’ money and three and half years doing nothing but flying around the world?

Dr Saheb had no choice when it came to the formation his jumbo cabinet. That’s what he said and I guess we have to believe him because he has a PhD and only eats roti and saag!

So who gets to head the national consensus government? We already have had four prime ministers and thanks to their inflated-egos, they wouldn’t want to be just a ‘mantri’ anymore.

Since this is the last time, the CA chairman can sell raffle tickets to all his fellow members and we can telecast the ‘PM and mantris’ lucky drawing live on TV. We can ask Jimmy Carter to come back again and pick the winners from the box. At least this time, it would be as fair as it gets.

Published today @ Republica ko 'The Week' .. and thanks for the edit hai... and for those great 'writers' who believe that their work should not be edited... please go @#$! yourself ... hehe!

Mark Twain

2011-11-30T05:49:00.010-10:00

If you didn't know... then please do know now that today is hamro baajey, Mark Twain ko birthday! So let us all have a cake and some coffee toffee and celebrate Mr. Clemens ko janma din!

When I was in the fifth grade, I read about them Amrikan Presidents. And although Reagan was already on his way to win his second term, the book only had until Jimmy Carter kya. And of course I was in love with Amy Carter then.. hehe! I became a JFK fan from then on even thought I wasn't Irish, Catholic or an Amrikan nai... hehe!

I know my birthday very well. And the other birthdays I never forget except friends, family and foes chahi... Mark Twain ko nai ho! And I also light a candle every November 22nd for JFK (the day he got killed in Dallas!) even though I am not related to the Kennedys and I still have a Jackie O picture/ frame srame ma ... last time I saw it ... it was in my sister's room!

I think the last tyam we ever had any charismatic leader .. tyehi Ranaji Jangey dai nai hola..... all the Shusmers after him all look chubby with the joonga daari hehe! And no, Prachandoo is not charismatic... he is a standup comedian... more like 'Nepali' Robin Williams (without making any faces or doing any coke hehe!).

I wish Baburam dai had pumped a little bit more iron and maybe shaved his 'mustache' and had a tattoo and not to forget a Mohawk... err.. sorry, Kaha batuh tyo Robert dai from 'Taxi Driver' ko po yaad ayecha! Ani balla po charismatic bhanney hola ni.. haha!

Anyways, Obama was a nobody before he gave that speech during Kerry's nomination in Boston. But it was all charisma that won him the Presidency and nothing else ni. Yes, we all love Obama but I have always sympathized with Nixon even though he was a crook hehe!

Okay, let's cut the Amrikan History 'x' thing and move on to Mr. Twain hai.

Clemens is probably the greatest Amrikan writer ever. Okay, Stephen King hola kasai kasai lai... but this guy was born before they had TV and that makes a lot of difference kya.

And don't brag about how you have read all them Russian writers and stuff... if you haven't read them Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn stuff then you have read nothing .. hehe!

I like Twain not only because he was a great writer, humorist and what not but someday I would want to be like him too. So, I better join a newspaper first then maybe be a riverboat pilot (Koshi river ma) then go work in a gold mine hola (khoi kata jaaney Australia po ho ki) hehe!

He tried nearly everything and he failed .... but when he began writing them humor columns then he hit it big and he never stopped writing them funny stuff kyaaruh. I wish I had the same skills but maybe arko janma ma!

I wish we had someone like Twain here in Nepal. Well, I always used to read Kunda dai's 'Donkey' ho ki ass thing. I always thought it was funny .. well, I still find it funny but I hope someday we will have someone who will charm us with his or her wit and satire (yes, we desperately need a lady because after Paarijat (she wasn't a humorist but..) we haven't had one who would kick all them grumpy male arses!).

I also like Twain a lot because he really couldn't balance his books.. hehe.. somebody should have taught him 'Lekha Palan and Karyalaya Sanchalan' (that's the title of them 'Accounting' books we had during our SLC days!).

I scored my highest grade in Lekha Palan nai... 94 kyaaruh and my credit score (the last time I checked it was zero hehe!) and I have 583.22 Rupees in Himalayan Bank. I am a die-hard Himalayan Bank fan because I opened my first bank account there! Well, I still have to recoup my loans I had given to a senior writer who fled to New York and to a local don who ran away to Norway hehe!

Anyways, Twain made a lot of money from his lekhing (writing) and guffing (lectures) but then he lost it all in all them crazy ventures! But he did finally succeed in repaying back his creditors even though he was not obligated to do so... Amrika ma basya faida tyehi ho euta.. if you file bankruptcy then you owe nobody nothing hehe!

But of course, your credit score will prevent you from renting an apartment or getting anything for credit ni.. hehe.. which is not good!

Anyway, Happy Birthday Mark.... and if you still don't think Twain was the greatest Amrikan writer ever then you are telling me that William Faulker was a grumpy arse... because Faulkner ko bichar ma Twain is the father of Amrikan Literature kya. And I think so too.. but I am just a Guffadi so my vote might not even count hola... but who gives a @#$! ni.. Twain Baajey Jindabad , Nepal ka sabai chor-neta Murdabaad.. Jai Hos!

The Adventures of Tin Tin ...

2011-11-29T03:10:00.002-10:00

I think most us have been fans of Tin Tin when we first discovered then comics during them boarding school days hehe! So when I heard that they were showing Tin Tin 3D natak ... I decided to go and watch it with my coach , a fashionista, a poetess and a scientist (she has a Msc in Physics so she knows more about Einstein than I do hola)

After all, the movie was directed by Speilberg and produced by him and Peter Jackson ni. So I was really excited ni.... but I am sad to say the sukeko chicken roll, the flat soda and foos-foos popcorn tasted better than the movie itself!

Just like we expected our Dr. Saheb, Babu Bhatta (trying to shorten everything these days hehe!) to deliver.... I really thought this movie would be really babaal... but I have to give it a C+ and only because Speilberg directed it or else... it would have been a D- nai hola!

There are so many stories to choose from but why the @#!$ did Jackson and Speilberg decide to do it on that 'Unicorn' BS kya? Haven't they heard about our brother, Johnny Depp and his 'Pirates of the Caribbean' series..... they should have gone to Africa or even Tibet but no, they had to do the 'pirate' and the 'treasure' thing and screw it up for us!

And yes, Captain Haddock is a funny man but it's supposed to be about Tin Tin ni.... it's like Rajnikanth getting overshadowed by I don't know.. Johnny Lever hehe!

I hear they plan to do two more movies rey... well, they thought this one would rake in the moolah at the BO... well they didn't even get their money back rey. They spent 135 million dollars making it .... and if you do the Hollywood accounting natak, you need to make at least three times more to break even.... so I guess, the studios will just try to sell more toys and video games hola ni.

Anyways, hope they do make them sequels and what not and Jackson (he was supposed to direct the next one) will make it more interesting and not like that 'King Kong' bakwaas he made with Jack Black... hehe!

I hope to go watch 'Immortals' this week.... at least it will be full-on action and masala.... and no I haven't Rockstar yet. Some folks really loved it and some hated it ... ek jana ko fb status tuh.. Ranbir ... teri haq tuhi rakh rey... hehe!

NRNs and Nepal...

2011-11-28T00:01:00.005-10:00

Today, I will be guffing about 'Obligations of NRNs to Nepal' as suggested by Amy!

I will try not to wander off like I do every now and then... so I will try to give my answers to Amy's questions hai.

Due to lack of opportunities in Nepal, huge numbers of young Nepalis find work overseas and end up settling there permanently. What are the obligations of those expats to Nepal?

We have to thank our netas, civil servants and them dalals for screwing it up for the rest of us! Every year, half a million folks leave Nepal for them foreign lands so that they can make a few more Dinars, Ringgits and if some of them are lucky then Dollars and Euros pani.

Some go for higher education, some migrate to them commonwealth countries and dherai jaso tuh Middle East ma nai janey ho 10,000 rupaiya ko kaam garnaw. While our netas and their chamchas make millions here.... our young ones have to pay them human traffickers 1-2 lakh to go to them Arab nations!

Obligations ko kura garda, I just don't understand why some NRNs (Nepali ma residing Nepalis) hehe... think that the other NRNs (Non-Resident Nepalis) are traitors or opportunists or don't have the right to bitch, whine, worry about Nepal!

Like that song from 1974 AD, 'Mun tuh mero Nepali Ho!' .... we all have obligations in some ways to do something for our country. Our netas and civil servants think all NRNs have like boras of Dollars and think of ways to con them ... hehe... by asking them to invest in Nepal.

And if they do, then they will have to deal with all them beaureacratic hassles, political pressures thanks to them trade unions and what not. If our so-called leaders had them vision ki kay bhancha ni... then they would have asked our 3 million NRNs to send home 10 dollars a day and maybe invest it in them hydropower, bato ghato etiyaadi. 360 million US$ is not pocket change ni!

I think all them NRNs should first take care of their families and maybe donate a dollar to Help Nepal Network hola! And I hear there are other NGOs now working in rural areas like HNN... you don't have to give them your month's paycheck... maybe 10 dollars a month will do!

Should they bring their family members to their new country and strengthen the NRN community?

Yes, after all... you can't live alone ni. You need your family to share you dookhaw-sookhaw! And at the same time, your income also goes up when both of you start working! And then you can save some and maybe buy a house or save it for your kids haroo ko college education!

Should they plan to return to Nepal someday to teach the next generation?

At the end of the day, all NRNs would love to come back and yes, our NRNs should return home and they could share their knowledge with the young ones. But our government and them netas need to learn a thing or two from South Korea or Israel or them nations who decided to ask their folks to come back home and help their countries kya.

We are Nepalis.. our chor-netas and them corrupt civil servants get all them respect ... for what? Looting the national coffer and asking bribes from byaparis to common citizens... and while us, the hardworking, law-abiding citizens have to either just stay here and hope for a better future or run away to foreign lands where everybody gets a second chance and can make a decent living if they work hard and don't gamble, drink and start buying designer clothes hehe!

Should they have their kids do some of their schooling in Nepal to make sure they understand what it means to be Nepali?

A friend of mine used to send his kid to Nepal every summer. The kid would stay with his grandparents and learn the 'Nepali' way. Of course, he got bullied by his cousins when he first visited Nepal.... but after a month or two ... he became a 'pakka' Nepali .. .hehe!

The kid is now 11 years old.... he still comes back once every two years maa... but he speaks Nepali fluently and his cousins can't bully him or make fun of the 'Amrikan' bhanja babu.. hehe!

I think NRN parents should speak 'Nepali' to their kids. Angrezi or Dutch or French (wherever you are) .. tyee tuh uni haroo ko school ruh yeta oota siki halcha ni! And also take them along to them NRN events like Dashain and stuff... so he or she does know something about 'Nepali' culture kya!

So instead of sending them to schools here... a summer vacation... every two or three years will do. It won't put a dent in your finances pani.. and while the parents are visiting their relatives and eating khasi and playing 'marriage' hehe... .the kids can learn 'Nepali', eat with their hands and watch Tito Satya and get used to the 'Nepali' way!

I hope my answers were okay... have not been able to update my blog posts due to work swork, health issues (I should stop eating out... hehe!) anyways I will try to write more often hai.

All that glitters is gold...

2011-11-25T00:11:00.002-10:00

Our ‘honest’ ministers are disclosing their personal assets and most of them seem to have more than 50 tolas of gold, properties in their hometown and in the city and few animals to pass them off as farmers so that they can get a loan from some rural co-operatives.

It’s a good thing that our ministers are not afraid to disclose their personal assets anymore. The bad thing is that they seem to have more than we could have ever imagined. The poorest politician in town is our Dr Saheb, who happens to have only 400,000 in the bank.

Our PM may be poor and at first, he did inspire us with his frugal spending habits but all the members of his national football team seem to be ridiculously wealthy.
And we hear about our ‘wealthy’ ministers asking for bribes from government employees for plum postings.

After all, it’s hard to keep up with the inflation and the rising dollar and what not. And you do need to have a positive cash flow to keep up with your regal spending habits.

Our ministers tell us that they all come from very wealthy families and received land, gold and animals as dowries. They should thank the stars above for being born in the ‘dowry era’ for it is now legally banned. But this is Nepal, we also banned smoking in public places and we can see how effectively it has been implemented by our concerned authorities.

Our netas finally decided to form the State Restructuring Commission (SRC) after haggling over the names but they still can’t agree on who gets to head the commission.

I think someone needs to remind them that SRC is not like them government public enterprises where you send an 8th grader to head the airlines corporation or appoint your own siblings to the board of various state agencies.

We really thought that the ‘Afno Manchey’ policy would change after we turned Republic. Either we were very naïve or we are always too trusting of our great netas.

We have seen alcoholics, junkies and even petty thieves turn their lives around after rehabilitation and become role models. Maybe it’s about time we offered the rehabilitation package to our netas since none of our comrade combatants seem to be interested in it.

At least for once, our so-called leaders can do us a favor by appointing independent experts to these commissions instead of trying to find their own cadres and cousins.

Nepotism still rules, corruption is still rampant than ever and misuse of authority and official privileges have reached such extreme heights that ordinary citizens might have to take anti-depressants just to make it to the next day.

When will meritocracy finally arrive in Nepal? That would be a wishful thinking but we must not lose hope and hopefully it might arrive at the same time as Haley’s comet.

Less than a week to go and our ‘constitution’ writers will once again extend the CA’s term for another six months. I think our netas begged for forgiveness for their past mistakes and promised us that the previous extension would be the last one.

And now they will try to justify another extension by claiming how close they are to wrapping things up. Another extension, another six months of dilly-dallying and then this natak might go on forever until we lose track and the country never wakes up from the coma but instead turns into a permanent vegetative state.

I think we should all occupy the railings outside BICC for the next six months and heckle our politicians to get the job done or hire taxis and drive around their houses and remind them every morning with loud speakers.

The President and even our CA chairperson has shown us their (lack of ) courage to remind or reprimand to get our netas to overcome their differences and find a common ground.

I think we should stop waving our flags, placards and wear t-shirts with amusing slogans. We should occupy the Ring Road leading to the airport and prevent our politicians from leaving the country for the next six months to attend useless conferences or meet their foreign handlers.

We have yet to see a politician who has the moral courage to do the right thing. Dr Saheb really impressed us with his ‘shock & awe’ antics but now he tells us that he has compromised his principles for peace and constitution as he looks the other way while his cabinet members go on a corruption rampage.

The looting spree continues, impunity continues to prevail and by the time they find a person to head the State Restructuring Commission, we might not even have a state!

Kollywood...

2011-11-20T05:07:00.003-10:00

Today, I will be guffing about 'Nepali Movies' as suggested by Ekraj and Remrow.

I think the 80s was like the 'golden age' of Nepali cinema hagi. I still remember them movies like 'Jeevan Rekha', 'Kanchi', 'Kusume Rumal' etiyaadi!

Bhuwan-ey and Shiva dai used to be them leading men but then Shiva dai decided to go to Pakistan and do them Punjabi movies. Then he came back and did 'Chino', which is probably the most successful movie ever hola.

If you were growing up in the 90s then 'Chino' was the fee-lim kya! Tulsi Ghimire used to be like our 'Subash Ghai' then... jay banaye pani babaal chawl-ney! Where is Tulsi dai now?

I know where Shiva dai and Bhuwan-ey are... Shiva dai just hangs around at the coffee place in Sherpa Mall. I hear that he doesn't drink or smoke but is a serious follower of 'Hanuman' or something. His wife left him and is now living with some young lad in the UK. He married a young lady, younger than his daughter kyaaruh.

Bhuwan dai is still going around town trying to be kay bhancha ni .. playboy slayboy but then he got his arse kicked a few months ago by some angry hubby of a boutique pasal sahuni .. hehe!

Abuh kura garoom.. hamro superstar, Rajesh dai ko! Rajesh dai has been doing his stuff since the early 90s... and he still charges 3-3.25 lakhs per movie. He's probably done more than 100+ movies so far and he will continue to be them 'hero' sero until 2020 and then he plans to go on a world tour rey.

Ani tyeti bela ko hero-ni haroo pani ali 'classy' kya. We had Sharmila Malla, Karishma KC (Manandhar), Kristi Mainali , Gauri Malla, Mithila Sharma , Mausami Malla..... they were not only hot but really did some acting sacting pani, unlike aaj kal ko hero-nis ... who can neither act nor dance!

In the 80s and early 90s.... folks who made them movies were either assistant directors in Bollywood or were really passionate about making them... Now, its mostly jagga-dalals who produce them stuff and all they want is to get near and dear to some young lady who dreams of being a 'Kollywood' star kyaaruh!

And we have directors, who either want to copy them 'Korean' movies or make dishoom-dishoom action movies with the same flank kicks and round kick ki kay bhancha ni!

Before.... we had really good writers who knew how to make a masala movie... with song, dance, love sove, tragedy etiyaadi.. now we have no writers at all. Yes, them cinematography ki kay bhancha ni babaal hola... but where is the @#$!ing story?

Yes, I went to see Mission Paisa. I still want my money back. Sano Sansar sucked and so did Kagbeni. Most of friends liked Bhushan Dahal's movie but I thought he could have done it well if he had asked the guy from Kalimpong ho ki Sikkim, Prashant Rasailey to come up with a cool story.

That 'Prashant' guy is really talented.... but I don't know why Quest Entertainment wasn't interested to work with him. I hear that 'Acharya' did only 15-20 lakh ko business in Nepal rey. I feel sorry for them producers!

I think they should have made a movie based on the life of Narayan Gopal. Everybody above 30 would have gone to them theatres... and it would have probably grossed crores!

I love Bhakta Raj Acharya but if you want to make a movie and hope that young folks do come to watch it then why not make a movie on Arun Thapa. Well, both Narayan uncle and Arun dai are dead but young folks still listen to Arun dai ko geet seet and all senior citizens will come to watch a 'Narayan Gopal' movie kya!

Now, I hear that we will have our first Nepali 'Lesbian' movie rey. Well, the director lives in Paris and he's got few kuirey backers so he really doesn't need to worry about getting his money back but for most of them film wallahs in Nepal, they are @#$!ed because the hall-wallahs take 50% of their cut, distributors take 15% and then pay off gundas here and there!

Ani by the time it's all over, the producers get like 30% of the B.O. gross... so if you make a movie for 50 lakhs then you have to pray that it grosses like 1.5+ crores to even get your money back. Profit tuh khoi ... (nepali die-log cha ni..) kun chari ko naam ho? hehe!

And if our filmmakers really want to cut and paste then just get everything from Bollywood ni. You can watch Farhan Akhtar's movies if you want to cater to the city slickers and if you want our working class folks to buy them tickets then make a movie about Micro drivers, waiters, welders, carpenters ni... not some jackass who starts kicking arses from the beginning of time and doesn't stop until everybody is out of them theatres kya!

A friend of mine is making a movie. His budget is 45 lakhs... he signed Rajesh Hamal and Rekha Thapa kyaaruh. I told him that I couldn't invest in his movie because a) I don't have that much cash b) I want to make a low-budget 'Nepali Rajnikanth' movie and not them usual 'Kollywood' thing!

So, I have decided to help him out with marketing and stuff. I won't get paid but I just want to make sure that he gets his money back .... it will take at least a year or two nai.... the distributor has promised him 12 lakhs, he will get 5-7 lakhs when he sells them VCD rights... (yes, them VCDs sell like hot cakes in Nepal and them Middle East rey).

And if the movie grosses like 60-70 lakhs then he will get like 20 lakhs back... yeta oota break even hooncha hola. Well, if he just deposited tyeti paisa in some finance company ... he would have gotten like 14-15% interest ni baroo... hehe!

Film banau-ney bhoot laagey pachi yestai ho ... rey! Mero cousin lay pani feelim banayeko thiyo 5 barsa agi... He still needs to pay off his relatives who loaned him some money hehe!

Let's get back to the topic hai.. Ekraj asked me to write about the present condition of Nepali Cinema or something like that. Where are we today? Our movies are getting worse.... no story and even them so-called 'New Generation' film wallahs suck as well.

I just saw a poster for some movie called 'Loot' .. Nepali movie nai ho... and the same 'old' so-called 'Naya' cast .. Karma , Richa Sharma, Vinay etiyaadi... sabai so-called 'naya kisim' ko feelim ma yeeni haroo matruh nai hooncha!

Maybe it's tyam, we got more 'theatre' wallahs to act in them movies because I don't want to see the same gang in every 'hi-fi' movie kya!

We can't compete with them Bollywood wallahs... so instead of copying them... we need to find our own stories.... about our migrant workers, Micro drivers, SP Ramesh Kharel or even our Kathmandu ka Don haroo!

Why not make a movie about Kollywood nai? A jagga-dalal wants to produce a movie but he has to be the leading hero kya. Ani .. film shooting garda, the hero-ni is pissed because she doesn't want to eat the Nepali standard khaja 'Wai Wai' and instead wants KFC Chicken in the middle of nowhere.. hehe!

Or a director, who has never directed a movie but has managed to trick 14 byaparis to fund his epic movie... and it's been 14 years and he hasn't even started yet... sabai true story nai tuh hoon ni!

Records are meant to be broken...

2011-11-17T23:37:00.003-10:00

Doctor Saheb now heads the largest Cabinet in the history of Nepal. It took us 15 years, a “People’s War” and hundreds of ‘x’-point deals so that we could witness such a mind-boggling looting of the national coffer.

The previous record holder can now drink in peace as the media won’t be ridiculing him anymore. And just for kicks, the former champion should send his own 40-point demand hola.

We now have tons of full and half ministers. Maybe our “cheap” PM should add a dozen more “quarter” ministers as well. After all, the energy drinks favored by our honest and hardworking netas come in those sizes.

But our honest netas prefer the “foreign” brands. They love foreign drinks, foreign handlers, and of course foreign aid. And now our comrades would like to welcome foreign investment. So, will all that vandalism and extortion come to an end?

Old habits die hard and to expect our netas to have a drastic change of heart is like expecting our Micro wallahs to stop packing us like sardines.

Our governments even want our farmers to get “foreign” seeds. I think we would be happy to see Madonna perform live in Rangashala rather than have Monsanto seeds in our land! It could very well be a sponsored event and it would be a great gift from the Amrikan people.

Dr Saheb also has the most aides ever, forty-four intellectuals to advise him how to waste our taxpayers’ money. He neither knows the names of his ministers nor his aides’ rey. After all, it would require a party palace to hold a Cabinet meeting now.

Maybe he should assign numbers like in schools, and the mantris can wear their numbered t-shirts, or if that’s too much work, then maybe we need a new dress code for them. All full ministers should wear full pants and half-pyants for the half-ministers.

Now, we are left with his aides. I think they should just wear a t-shirt with Dr Saheb’s face plastered on it. After all, they should thank him for having them on the state payroll.

And for those who really believed in this great architect must now be having migraine attacks. We wanted a savior and we got ourselves another false prophet and his bag of tricks.

Had we known that he would go on to waste our taxpayers’ money like it was his personal slush fund, then we would have requested him to ride a Rolls Royce and maybe chartered a jumbo jet for his entourage when he traveled to foreign lands.

He has also broken the record of inviting the largest number of folks for a tea party he hosted a few weeks ago. He spent Rs 2.7 million to host the tea party for 9,000 guests rey.

His aides must have hired a very expensive catering service which charges Rs 300 per person to provide a cup of tea and a lunch box consisting of a banana, samosa and laddu.

I think he could have done us a big favor had he asked those 9,000 guests to donate a bora of rice instead. We could have sent those boras to our folks who are facing food shortages in the hills.

Somebody must have inflated the “tea party” bills, which is nothing new in Nepal. The fake VAT bill wallahs are not ashamed of pocketing taxes and our fake leaders are not ashamed of spending our tax money for their personal benefits.

Dr Saheb was the one who decided not to waste money by printing Dashain greeting cards or hosting parties. His economy class ticket and cheap ride now look more like a nautanki natak. I guess we certainly do have the biggest flip-flopper in the history of Nepali politics.

Yes, we do understand that cadres come first before common citizens. The law-abiding citizens are forced to bribe government officials, from a cop to a sarkari hakim while murderers become ministers and get our honest cops for security and sarkari hakims pay off the mantris to get better postings.

Yes, your political party comes first before country. All the looting and shooting is done in the name of the party and your cadres are immune from criminal prosecution … all in the name of peace!

And it’s not only our comrades who seem to like resorts. The bigwigs from RPP, RJP and RPP(N) met at a resort to figure out how to unify and forge ahead as a single party again.

I think somebody needs to remind our former Pancheys that they had their chances and they screwed it up. Maybe they should unite once again but rename their party RIP and host a farewell tea party … ki kaso?

Driving in Kathmandu....

2011-11-13T00:27:00.007-10:00

Today, we will guff about driving in Kathmandu, as suggested by SKZ!

It's pretty easy to drive them 'auto' gaadis. You don't need to worry about them gear sear stuff and you can palti-cushing, drinking coffee and driving at the same tyam!

But when in comes to them stick shift, you really need to know how to multi-task.... one foot on them clutch slutch, arko ki chai brake ma ki chai accelerator ma... you only have two khuttas and there are three pedals ... ani bhaye nuh fasad!

Well, I had to go back to driving school here and learn how to be comfortable driving around in Kathmandu. After driving 'auto' for more than a decade, going back to 'manual' was a little scary at first... hehe!

And it was fun.... since all them 70s Toyota 'tourist' gaadis have been bought by the driving school wallahs and the rest chahi you can see them at our international airport hehe!

So even if you already know how to drive, just enroll at them driving school to drive an old Toyota gaadi every morning for a week... you might not learn anything new but at least you will win a good friend (your 'teacher) who also seem to know nearly every other traffic cop in and around his neighborhood!

My driving 'teacher' looked like some guy from them 80s Bollywood movie. He would be eating Paan Parag at 6 in the morning. We would drive around Ring Road ... but mostly it was guff suff than learning how to make sure that you don't run over some bike-wallah or bump into a cow or try to find out if the kid running around will land on your hood or will safely cross the road!

Driving in Kathmandu is not about speed .. it's about dodging everything, everyone and arriving safely at your destination.

Ten years ago, we had like half a million folks and maybe 40,000 motor bikes.... now we have more than 5 million New Nepal-ers and 400,000 bikes in the valley. And don't forget them Micros, cabs, school buses and them private vehicles!

The rule in Kathmandu is to only look ahead, don't even worry about checking your rear-view mirror.. you can throw it away nai! This goes for the bike wallahs but if you are driving a car sar then make sure you have a co-pilot with you to check if any bikers are not zooming in from the left and the right at the same tyam!

If you are driving them 'REVA' electric vehicles then don't worry but other than that.. make sure that you slow down and let the bikers do their 'squeezing' stunt or else they will ram into your vehicle because most of the bikes in the valley do not come with any brakes or they drive as if they don't have any brakes kya.

And then you also have to watch for our pedestrians.... they will probably wait until the last second to cross the street. So slow down and give a hand signal for them to cross or stay put or else you will hit the person and you will probably be stoned to death (and so will your vehicle) and some guy with find a jerkin of petrol, pour it on your vehicle and burn it pani.

But of course, it depends where you are ni... most of the stoning, burning and mob-bashing happens around the Ring Road area... so make sure you have you heave duty anti-riot gear with you when you drive around them places hehe.

Nepal ko so-called 'rule' anoo-saar... whoever hits from behind is to blame and whoever has the smallest ride is never to be blamed. A cycle wins over a bike, a bike wins over a car and so on.. hai!

And if you are driving a big-arse SUV then make sure that you have glued your old mattresses around your vehicle so that even if you do hit a cyclist, he will safely land on a padded hood than breaking his back kya.

Kathmandu ko traffic jam ma tuh your speed should be like 1.7 miles (km) per hour and 90% of the tyam, you will be only using them steering wheels to dodge a bike, a cow or a pedestrian or a Micro!

The funny thing about them bikers chahi... they don't use their brakes and they don't look around... ghoda jastai... so if you see a biker speeding then don't even worry... slow down and either let the biker crash into your vehicle or wait until he does a somersault over them railings or dividers!

You will see many ladies in them scooties... they drive crazy too .... and don't try to hit (side-haaning) on a lady who is driving a scootie because she is really focused on her driving... how to squeeze between them two Micros and get ahead rather than looking around and finding a guy with a mullet and and a mustache ogling at her!

So if them bikers try to over-take with you from both sides then don't blow up and start yelling.. it doesn't help and you will then drive mad and hit another biker feri.

You don't see much cows as in them 90s but you will still find them sometime and they are not like our pedestrians who freeze in the middle of the road but suddenly dart when a vehicle is 1.3 inches away kya and then you will have to face an angry mob who are more interested to burn your vehicle and bash you than taking the accident victim to the hospital.

Animals are fun... they will either stay put or run for their lives... humans are scary... tyehi nai ho lesson chahi!

And our Micro drivers never took them traffic lessons when it came to parking or stopping your vehicle hola... they will stop in the middle of the road ani tyo pani sideways blocking both them lanes... if you are a biker, you can drive around but don't try that if you are driving a car... and honking won't help either.

Let the Micro wallah show everyone his circus act and once them Khalasis get their passenger, they will then drive a few meters and show us the same trick. Either you overtake them or let them do their stuff.... they will never learn and most probably.. they just don't care hola....unless they see a traffic-wallah blowing them whistles!

So, here's the trick hai. Always carry a whistle with you and whenever you see them Micro-wallahs displaying their 'I don't give a @#$!' parking skills.. just roll your windows and start blowing them whistles. It's like them PSY 101 class ko lecture... tyo Pavlov's drooling dogs sogs theory kya!

No, I am not saying our Micro-wallahs are dogs but they are not scared of anyone and don't even care if there is an ambulance behind them ..... they are only conditioned to them 'whistles'... so instead of yelling, bitching or getting out of your vehicle and showing them your kung-fu skills... a whistle will do!

Driving in Kathmandu is not really that difficult.... most of the tyam, you will be driving at like 3-4 km/hour.... just make sure you are watching left and right (watch a 'live' tennis match to improve your skills!) and not hitting them bikers... and all is good!

And no 'Bollywood' songs or them 'electronic' stuff... tune into BBC and drive .... and if your co-pilot (or passenger) is bored then just ask him or her to count them bikes... or how many squeezed by when you were driving kya.

Mumbo Jumbo

2011-11-12T00:03:00.004-10:00

Dr. Saheb might have saved us a few paisas by riding a Mustang, flying Economy Class and not doling out funds to his cadres. But it looks like his “cost saving” acts have neither impressed nor inspired any of our honest politicians.

Yes, politicians make compromises to stay in power but Dr. Saheb is slowly losing his credibility as he tries to please everybody. Now, he’s set to break the record for the largest Cabinet in Nepali history.

We will now have to provide our new full and half ministers with gas-guzzling vehicles, security, fuel and “mantri” bhattas. I don’t think we can afford to waste our taxpayers’ money on making our netas happy. To save money, fuel and less blazing sirens, why not hand out free rickshaws to our Ministers?

At least then they’ll be able to enjoy the pollution and traffic jams like the rest of us. And while stuck in traffic, they can strike conversations with the gnats and flies and act like they are listening to our concerns.

“Hello Sarkar” has been running in full steam since the past few days and they are already getting overwhelmed by citizens calling the hotline number 1111 to complain about everything. I think the PM’s Office should’ve asked one of our call centers to help them run it, but of course, our politicians and sarkari hakims have never been open to suggestions from the public.

If the “hotline” staffers are already worn out and on the verge of a nervous breakdown, then maybe it’s better to outsource the customer service department to the call center-wallahs. Maybe they can handle the load with much more efficiency than our civil servants and it might save us some money, too.

Dr. Saheb is in Male, Maldives, attending the SAARC Summit. In all these years, we haven’t seen any cooperation among its members. Maybe we should change it to the SHARK Summit since all the member countries seem to be governed by sharks, be it loan or land or those who believe that the national coffer is their personal goldmine.

If the bus driver overcharges us, we can call 1111 but whom do we call if we need to complain about our politicians? Maybe the President should start his own hotline thing and it would be better if CIAA is under the President’s supervision. He will also be busy rather than just receiving foreign envoys and attending religious functions as chief guest.

Comrade Chairman is in New York, trying to win friends and a few dollars to make his Lumbini dream project a success. I think our netas should take a crash course on time management and also for setting their priorities right.

What’s the need of the hour? No, it’s not controlling corruption, writing the Constitution or even providing basic necessities to the common citizens.

Right now, our politicians are more worried about getting the dough to pay off our comrade combatants. Comrade Chairman is worried about finding billions for his pet project and the PM’s office is the most worried since they have to get vehicles and what not for our new full and half ministers.

And every week, if we do the head count then we find out that a dozen of our CA members are around the world, attending conferences and what not. Our netas spend our taxpayers’ money on useless foreign visits, useless guff-suff and spend their time wrangling over useless issues.

It’s always been like that. Our politicians like to spend more (state funds) on useless things. I hear that intelligent people use less of their brain and so far we have really seen the level of intelligence of our netas and we all know where we’re headed with their circus acts.

If you want to travel around the world and get housing, vehicle and medical allowances, then it’s time you also got into Nepali politics. But of course, make sure you make all the right moves.

The trick is not to be in the majority. A political party with not enough members to play a full football game can get more ministerial berths and benefits.

And when you are a member of political party, then you can murder, abduct, extort and fulfill all the requirements to be a criminal and get away with it. Dr. Saheb is a smart and honest man but it’s now time to show that he’s also a man of morals.

Thousands of lives were lost and brutalities were committed by both sides but it’s about time our netas and civil servants and security personnel from both sides apologize to the families of the victims and ask for forgiveness instead of trying to cover their own arses and promote a culture of impunity.

We can’t move forward until we reconcile our differences, but our “intelligent” netas haven’t even started yet.

11.11.11

2011-11-11T00:01:00.008-10:00

Today, I am writing about 11-11-11 as suggested by 'Zinxed' ....

If you follow them 'Mayan' calender then we have like a year to go before the world ends kyaaruh. And a friend of mine is celebrating today as if the world will end on Saturday nai hehe!

Last year, we had 10-10-10 and there were some cool parties around town and of course I didn't attend them hehe!

So now it's 11th of the 11th month of 2011! What are we celebrating today? I don't know.

The Microbus wallahs have hiked their fares ... thanks to the recent fuel price hike by our government. Now it cost us a Rupee more .... gaadi ma chadey ki 13 rupaiya rey!

Rajesh Hamal is not your daddy... so maybe we should celebrate Rajesh dai's visit to the Hanumandhoka police station. I don't understand how our Nepal Police works kya... if somebody files a complaint against you then you have to visit the police wallahs and give your safai rey or else you will be arrested rey. Khoi kun chai school paw-dya hoon yi police wallah haroo?

Anyways, a lady cop filed some kind of a complaint accusing Rajesh dai for being her children's daddy. We don't talk much about mental illnesses in Nepal but yes, if the lady is suffering from them mental stuff then she needs some help ni. She was on medication rey and then she quit and then began all this natak hola.

Or should we ask Rajesh dai to take them tests sests kya? And our Nepali court doesn't accept them DNA tests rey... yes, did you know that? Well, now you know ni.... and our police wallahs even ask them so-called Babas and Matas to solve them crimes ... hehe!

I think most of us are depressed now and then but some of us do like to stay in our rooms for days and just sleep hola. Tyesto bela ma chai, please visit a shrink. Get some counseling and even medications if it helps. Desh ko halat hare-daa tuh , our netas should be visiting them shrinks as well.... hagi!

I think most of our netas are narcissists ... they really do need some help! And Rajesh dai should either get married or come out of the closet or join an ashram hola or whatever so that he won't be accused of making babies kya!

Rajesh dai was supposed to get married to some 25 year old lady this year. I think he is waiting for 12-12-12 hola ni or maybe he should add his 'college' ko sweet heart, a Punjabi lady (Facebook ma!) and maybe organize a reunion here in Kathmandu. Maybe his college buddies can help him find the right one hola!

How come Rajesh dai didn't get to be the 'goodwill' ambassador thing for 'Lumbini Visit Year' nataks? Rajesh is our superstar... why are we asking them Desis and Dumpling celebrities to represent Nepal and not asking the king of Kollywood kya?

Okay, we were supposed to talk about 11-11-11 and not Rajesh dai ni..... abuh arko barsa chahi 12-12-12 hooncha, ani tyo din chahi manau-noo parla ni! Why? Well, after that you will never get to celebrate them eutai din, eutai mahina, euta year kya... unless you decide to invent a new calender or find the fountain of youth or become a vampire and live for another thousand years hola ni.

And who knows .. the world might finally end tyeti bela nai... so start loving your family, friends and even foes haroo! And of course do make sure that you are fully prepared for the 'big one' coming to Kathmandu on 7th June 2012 rey.

Yes, the fortune teller in front of the National Zoo (Jawlakhel) lay bhanya. So make sure you have them wai-wai, chuira etiyaadi..... ani tyo torch-light bhaako helmet tuh Khasa batuh 1-2 container nai magaunoo parla jasto cha!

We have the AD (the Angrezi calender), BS (Bikram Sambat), NS (Nepal Sambat) and maybe once we get this 'constitution writing' thing done, we can start at year 1 hola ki kaso?

Anyways, today @ 11:11am , let's all drink our coffee, tea, joos soos and celebrate hola and for our party-wallahs they can drink whatever they want at 11:11pm ni.

Young Guns...

2011-11-07T01:01:00.000-10:00

Today we will talk about our 'young' generation hai, as suggested by our friend from KL, Mr. Sudeep!

When I was a teenager, we didn't have them internet stuff (well, not when I turned 13 ni). And if you were lucky to find a partner who wanted to go on a date then the only cool place to hang out was them 'Bakery Cafe' in Durbarmarg... hehe!

Then came Rangeela, the Bollywood movie that changed the 'fashion' scene in Kathmandu. Ladies were seen in short skirts, them boots and topi.

And the guys? Well, nobody really wanted to dress like a tapori (like Aamir Khan did in that movie) but it was them choos-pyant, dingo boots and Pakistaani leather jackets hehe!

Then Mercantile started the 'internet' thing in Nepal. There were very few folks who had personal computers and then internet connection at home. I still remember paying them monthly internet fees kya. It was Rs 8,500.00 a month kyaaruh!

And the only website you knew was yahoo.com or whatever came up on them Netscape browser. But things have changed now. And Facebook has taken us to a whole new level.

Our 'Young Guns' were born during a difficult tyam. When they were kids, our comrades were busy blowing up places, stuff and people! No more playing marbles outside your homes.... no more football matches in someone's khet baari.

And kids began to stay home, watch movies, play them games online or them Playstations etiyaadi. And when it came to dating sating, they started early as well.

During our tyam, Archies gift store was the only place to go buy them gifts for your girlfriend or someone you had a crush on. They really did good business tyeti bela and of course, you had them titaura stores where you would buy them stuff and then ask a bhai from your neighborhood to deliver them to the girl you liked.

If she accepted them gifts then you moved on to the second stage. That is.. getting her land line number. We didn't have mobiles then ni. And then you called her and if she liked your voice and wanted to carry on the conversation then only would you be granted permission to meet her at Bakery cafe kya.

And it was always kind of a double date thing. You brought a friend and she brought her friend. They would just stare at the menu, or gobble them momos while both of you smiled and communicated telepathically... hehe!

I think it's the same with every generation. The older ones don't like the young ones. They think they are more materialistic and are a rowdy bunch. Our uncles thought we were all going to die of some drug overdose or probably be deaf by the tyam we turned 30.

Well, everybody had them long hair and choos-pyant and listened to them heavy metal music ni tuh.. and maybe that's why they were not happy and would tell us stories from them hippie days when hashish was legal and everybody would sing songs of peace and love etiyaadi.

And them Doc Martins nai 9-10,000 hajaar parney tyeti bela. You could buy an anna of land in the outskirts of the valley hola ... at least ahiley tuh 5-10 lakh ko value tuh hoon-thyo ni!

Yes, the young people today grew up in a different environment ni. Most of them were not even in secondary school when we had them Royal Massacre and everyday, there used to be some bomb blast somewhere thanks to our comrades who were fighting against the so-called 'feudal' system kya. Look who's talking now?

When I look at the young ones today... I actually envy them. They are not only smarter (well, we didn't have Google baba then ni) but they are more aware of what's going on in the world today but of course, we have to thank them affordable internet fees for that .. hehe!

And most of them do have plans... and are focused on what they want to do .. kay bancha ni ... very determined and passionate kya and they have more energy pani.

When I was 13, the only news we used to get about them outside world was them Time Magazine, Times of India and of course the Sportsworld magazines hehe!

Well, we had cable TV then but it was only Doordarshan. So we were lucky to watch Shah Rukh start out as a TV serial actor in them shows like Fauji and Circus etiyaadi.

But now, you get to watch all them Amirki TV series and even the Desis and even Russian and Bhutanese and German (depending on you cable TV provider hehe!) .

Yes, we think that our young ones are now a little bit 'chaada' because they hold hands and go on dates and have relationships and what not when they should be learning them optional math formulas hehe!

But we would have done the same ni but then it was a different era. Haat samaa-tye-ruh hid-nay tuh kaha kaha, sangai hid-nuh pani hoodai-nuh thiyo kya.

People would look (stare!), whisper and the next thing you know, the girl's brother would find about it and he would come after you with his friends to kick your arse!

I think our young generation are now exposed to everything .... internet, TV and lots of other stuff really has brought them closer to the rest of the world... and they get to see all them bad, good and ugly ni... and most of them turn out to be pretty decent human beings.

Some fail... yes, some of our friends failed too. Some of them are still in and out of rehabs, trying to overcome their drug addictions and what not. Some died of drug overdose, some killed themselves and some are in jail for doing the wrong things!

Some of my friends are HIV positive because they shared them needles but instead of being sorry for themselves, they have turned their lives around. They are actually 'living' while most of us who have no major illness are depressed because we didn't get the job we wanted or the woman of your dreams didn't really dream of you and got married to a guy who looks like Johnny Lever but happens to be smarter than Stephen Hawking hehe!

Some are now scientists working for them research firms in Amrika. Some are sahujis like their Dads. In the end, it all evens out rahecha.... so just because a 18 year old guy is walking around trying to be or act like some Korean hero .. don't judge him hehe!

Who knows.. he might start a revolution someday and become our Prime Monster kya... or he might discover oil , right here in Kathmandu and we get to be the next 'Arabs' or something hehe!

And don't judge a girl who wants to act like Paris Hilton... maybe she's just experimenting hola ni... who knows.. one day, she might be the one who will solve some math sath ko formula or even them physics stuff and will be a professor at Cambridge and might make Stephen Hawking look like a Guffadi.. hehe!

Trade Unions...

2011-11-06T18:01:00.002-10:00

Today, we will talk about 'Trade Unions' in Nepal, as suggested by Shavash! I think the 'trade unions' ko history goes all the way back to the late 40s in Biratnagar where they had them (4-5 wata) factories sactories and both former prime ministers, late GP... the 'Hawaldar' and Man Mohan Adhikari (UML) started out as trade union leaders kyaaruh.

But let's forget the past and talk about today hai. Today, the biggest and baddest trade union chahi them Maoists haroo ko nai ho. And trade unions are cash cows for our political parties and the Mao-buddies have now more than half a million members in their trade unions rey.

Them UMLs and Congressis have their own trade unions but they don't have enough mundrey goondas hehe.... but they do flaunt their muscles now and then and so do our new 'Madeshi' trade unions!

And our political parties know that they will have enough folks out on the street when they call them strikes and what not. They will ask or (force) their union members to leave their jobs and participate in them rallies, chakka jams and them workers have no option but to join the 'natak' or else they will have to face the consequences kya.

After our great comrades decided to quit camping and live in the cities, nearly all them small businesses haroo ma pani union ghoo-shyo kyaaruh.

I think you must have heard about 'Fire & Ice' in Thamel. Better call them up for reservation if you plan to go there on a Friday night. They have decent pizzas (okay, Nepal ko laagi, dherai ramro!) and the staff are well trained pani.

But like majority of them 'chal-ney' restaurants, they also have a union there and they belong to the Maoist trade union. There are many restaurants in Kathmandu where the dishwasher gets 2,000 and the waiter gets like 4 grand kyaaruh. You won't see them unions in them places!

But if you go to Roadhouse, Fire & Ice or even Bakery Cafe then tyee thau haroo ma sabai union kai manchey haroo! And them restaurants actually pay way above the minimum wage (nearly two times more nai) but still, these union-wallahs create problems from time to time.

Trade unions in Nepal are just another sister organization of a political party and our netas only use them workers as participants in them political rallies. If the employer, especially the big industry wallahs pay off the trade union leader then he or she will do nothing to help the workers kya.

I think our trade union wallahs really don't understand that if they keep on closing them industries and only ask for better pay and benefits while the employer is barely making his loan payments ... then ... one day , them factories shut down and the workers will either have to go to the Middle East or find another low-paying job feri!

Surya Nepal Garments ko pani story tyehi nai ho. Most of them workers were women but them union leaders chahi jahiley pani 'men' nai hooncha. They closed down their factory and them employees are now out of jobs. They got some compensation package kyaaruh but now what will them women do?

Them union netas haroo lai baal mawt-lob ... they will just move to another factory and start the same natak again. Gather them workers, form a union and they will act like they are fighting for them workers' rights but at the end of the day, them union wallahs are there to extort from them businesses and exploit them workers for their 'political' interest!

And where does all them voluntary donations from them business go? Our political parties spend millions of dollars every year, organizing them so-called 'conference', tea parties and training programs for their cadres. And you need some dough to organize them events and all them sponsorships come from our byaparis and even small business owners and local school teachers pani.

I think it would be better if our political parties built new schools, hospitals or even started their own factories or small businesses kya.

And they can hire their own cadres and run them businesses ni baroo. Ani jahiley pani aroo lai lootey-ruh khaa-noo tuh pardai naw ni.

And now our comrades are acting like they did us a big favor by signing them trade agreement with the Desis. A year ago, our comrades burned down them office buildings of some Indian company working in some hydroproject in some gaun saun. Why? Well, it was a billion dollar project rey and our great communists had asked for some 'chiya kharcha'.... kati bhaney ni.... 70 crores rey.. 10 million dollars jati!

I don't think nobody will invest in our country until our Maoists, Madeshi and other nautanki trade unions stop acting like mobsters kya. Baroo, when the business starts making a profit then fight with the employers to give them employees some of it ni.. hoinuh ruh?

I think our workers should also realize that without them business-wallahs, there will be no jobs for them kya. If they want a permanent, nice cozy job then they should ask their trade union leaders to get them some sarkari jaagir, where you don't need to work and you still get paid and you will never be fired.

Trade unions in Nepal don't really care about them workers. Them union leaders are only interested to raise funds for their 'mother' party so that one day, he or she will get into them 'main' committees and be a thulo neta or neti-ni.

Look at Shalik Ram Jamarkattel, the 'Mao Inc' ko trade union ko leader. He is worth around 100 croroes rey. Well, he was attacked recently by his own comrades (from a different faction) but he still runs the show kya.

Our great Maoists were anti-gambling and anti-drinking and what not when they first started out ... but I guess they are no longer the naive gaunleys with their silly '40 point' demand semand kya.

They are now city slickers... and all them casino workers are now members of the Maoist trade union and they even have bought out some owners (voluntarily.. hehe) and are running them casinos themselves.

What's next? They can start their own breweries and even get into the 'Whiskey' business hola. All dance bars in the valley pay 'weekly' hafta to them YCLs and other Maoist organizations.

And we all thought our comrades were fighting for the people hagi. No they were not and they won't be doing that in the future either. They only want a few more Rupees and they really don't care if our folks lose their homes, gambling at them casinos or if them women are being exploited at them dance bars etiyaadi.

Them employers need them workers. And if the business doesn't survive then both of them will lose ni.... euta ko tuh ghar shar nai janey bhayo bank ko loan ley.. ani majdoor ko ghar baar chal-daina if they are out of jobs ni.

Yes, we do need them trade unions to fight for them workers but our political parties and their unions are not really helping them workers ... baroo ulto exploit gari raakho chan.

And them union netas better change their 'All business owners are chors and need to be extorted' attitude... because someday, all them factories and even them small businesses will all close down and there will be no one to extort kya.

Off to New York...

2011-11-05T01:26:00.002-10:00

Prachandoo, our Emperor is once again flying to New York City to ask them UN-wallahs for some support for his 'Lumbini' plan slan. And he is taking a Congressi neta and a banker with him. But why the @$!# does he need to take his son with him whenever he flies to them foreign lands kya?

Yes, I understand that he was a computer operator when Prachandoo was our Prime-Monster ... abuh chai kay title liyeruh gaako ho kunni? And he gets to travel with his daddy at our taxpayers' expense kya! Kya mazza hamra communist haroo lai.. sabai capitalist rastra haroo ko vraman gardai basnoos!

I think our current crown prince should enjoy his foreign trips and upload more pics on his Facebook albums kya. Thank God... we are not India where them netas' kids go on to head them parties and become netas as well!

Look at Rahul Gandhi. He will be heading the Congress Party next year. At least here in our home, we don't have that kind of 'hereditary' succession kya. Well, we had them 'Rana Shashun' ni but that was 60 years ago... but we should be happy that Sujata Koirala will not be Queen and Prakash Dahal will not be our Emperor anytime soon kya.

I have no freaking idea why Prachandoo sarkar is in such a hurry to promote his 'Lumbini' master plan and ask for them foreign investors to pitch in? Or he just wants to keep himself busy while Baburam dai is living in Baluwatar hola ni.

The PLA combatants fought for their party not for Nepal kya. So, I think Mao Inc. should pay their 'package' deal ni. And since Prachandoo sarkar is cozy with Manoj Bahadur Shrestha, the chairman of Himalayan Bank.. maybe Manoj sahuji can pay them combatants hola?

Manoj dai might not be in the news or them papers like them Khetans, Chow-dhurys or Golchas but I hear... he has more dough than them marwaari sahujis rey. And why is a private bank ko chairman hanging out with Prachandoo sarkar?

Something is fishy hagi... maybe our comrade chairman can only trust another chairman... after all both are byaparis ni. Yestai ho ... nakkali communists haroo ko taal. Or maybe sabai Mao Inc. ko paisa Himalayan Bank ma nai rakhya holan tuh?

I think it's about tyam, somebody opened a new 'communist' party hola. @$#! Mao, Lenin and Stalin.. abuh Communist Party Nepal (Che) soo-roo garnoo parla ni.

And you don't even need to extort them business houses or local school teachers to fund your party event kya. Nearly all so-called 'liberal' Kathmanduites have a 'Che' t-shirt or topi or bandana ni... hehe!

I hope our comrade chairman enjoys his visit to Amrika again. And may his son take thousands of pictures and maybe make a Youtube video hola..... afnai ni.. hotdog khaa-ko, coffee ruh bagel chapa-ko, Jackson Heights ma gayeruh Nepali restaurant ma sukuti ruh dhi-do nileko etiyaadi!

And our comrade chairman wants to meet Obama rey and have like a late lunch with him and spend an hour or two at the White House rey. Obama is worried about getting re-elected kya..... I don't think he would want to hang out with a vice-chairmen of some 'nakkali' Chinese NGO ni.

Ahiley tuh Prime-Monster pani hoinuh.... yetti kai Obama lay bhetyo bhaney bholi feri Jon Stewart lay joke banau laa ni Obama ko .. hehe!

If I become the Prime Monster!

2011-11-04T23:52:00.005-10:00

We have had four Prime-Monsters (Prime-Ministers!) since 2008 and hope Baburam dai will be our last when they wrap things up and we can finally have a general election and a 'real' government to take care of our needs kya.

Ahiley tuh, it's more like a 'looting season' where all them budget is shared by the political parties and instead of building schools, health posts and better roads... all them dough goes to them local leaders and their chamchas.

Our netas have once again made them deals seal... now it's the seven-point agreement rey and hopefully, our comrades will finally be happy with the integration and them package deals for their combatants!

Mohan Baidya is not happy. He never was and will never be... that's how all grumpy old men are. I think he will enjoy going for his annual 'prostrate' exams hola baroo!

Remrow's topic for today is 'If I become the Prime Monster' .... hehe! So let's suppose, Guffadi becomes the Prime Monster .... there isn't much I can do hola.

If we had them general election and Guffadi party wins the majority then I could do something as a Prime-Monster because then I wouldn't have to worry about my coalition partners and compromise with them ni.

I would have like 5 years to do the job that I promised to do and after that them voters would decide ni... if I really kept my promises or not... hoinuh ruh?

Ahiley ko situation ma tuh, nobody really can do much but Baburam dai is really trying his best and looks like he might pull it off. We do have our comrade chairman ni feri. Big Boss tuh Prachandoo nai ho ni.. hehe!

So let's begin my 'If I become' guffs hai.

As a PM, I would have my own radio show.... yes, Baburam dai did try it but I would have my own radio show at 11pm, every night kya! Harek Raat, ek ghanta guff suff with the Prime Monster hehe!

I would play some cool songs and talk about my daily schedule and what I accomplished hola. And people can call to request their songs or complain about some sarkaari hakim who asked for a bribe or something.

Not everyone can get through hola but we can do 'lucky draw' sucky draw kya. Just leave your number with the PM's office and we will call random folks and they can talk with the PM ni.

I would also ask SP Ramesh Kharel to head the 'Police Reform Commission' or something like that and come up with new regulations for our men and women in blue. No smoking, swearing, extorting or drinking while on duty. If they don't follow the rules then their pictures will be uploaded online and will have to perform a year long community service by cleaning up Bagmati!

All government employees will have to come to work on tyam and stay in the office and do their job. Well, you do get sick leave and what not ni.. but if you are not doing your job then your profile will be uploaded ... to the PM's website 'Hall of Shame' kya!

I would also ask Lee Kuan Yew to visit Nepal or ask some of his Singaporeans to help us plan a new 'fine' system for everything.

Throw your trash out on the street... then you will pay 1 lakh fine (installment ma pani pay garey hooncha) and 1 year community service, cleaning up Bagmati hehe!

Play loud music after 10pm and disturb your neighbors and your music system will be donated to the local government school and you will be asked to work as a janitor there for at least six months.

And for them 'speeding micros' and jpt chalau-ney bikers... your driver's license will be suspended for a year and will be fined 1 lakh nai and you will have to clean Bagamti for a year pani.

So I think, I will just focus on one thing hagi. My election campaign ko naara nai tyehi hoonay ho ki kya ho 'Sabai chor haroo lai 1 barsa Bagmati Safa garauney ruh 1 lakh jariwaana' hehe!

Baburam dai decided to ride a Mustang. I will get a bicycle kya. Wouldn't it be fun ... the PM riding a cycle and all his security personnel also joining in. And once a week, I would ban all vehicles from the street and have a 'Bicycle' day everywhere.

Abuh tuh Kathmandu ma, cycle maatraw chalau-nauh dinoo parney bela bhayee sakyo kya.

Anyways, it's not easy being a PM. We all know that. You will always have that cousin who wants you to help him get the government contract or your mama ko chora ko saali ko bhai who wants to be the next Ambassador to the US. And not to forget them 'opportunist' chamchas who want to make millions while you are in the 'hot' seat kya.

I think I will just wear a helmet (web cam install garney ni) so people can just get a 'live' feed or something... except when I am in the loo or having a very 'sensitive' meetings ni... hehe!

Looks like I am talking more about what I would do if I became the mayor of Kathmandu hola.. hehe! Anyways, it's not that we don't have competent people, be it them netas or sarkari hakims or bus drivers or cops .... etiyaadi!

It's about tyam, our netas let them sarkari wallahs do their job and reward the good ones and punish the 'chor' haroos. And if I really became the Prime Monster then I would ask my cadres, chamchas and cousins to do a good job and if they go around extorting and using my name for their personal benefit then I would ask SP Ramesh Kharel to make sure that they are tied to a tree, caned and the video will be uploaded on Youtube!

The Mother of all Agreements...

2011-11-04T00:41:00.000-10:00

They say ‘timing is everything’ and our comrade chairman would probably do well as a chess grandmaster. He seems to know when to make the right moves.

Our media wallahs tell us that this time the ‘seven-point’ deal is for real and we should expect the peace process to come to a closure soon. Should we award our netas ‘brownie points’ and be happy?

If this is the real deal then once everything is wrapped up, we can top the Amrikis by installing a 10 foot, one ton statue of our great wizard in the middle of Ratna park.

Reagan was an actor then a politician … in our great country, all politicians are actors! So it’s probably hard to believe whether our netas are really sincere this time or maybe they are just agreeing to play cool so that they can extend the CA’s term for another six months.

Well we are in a fix. We can’t stop our great politicians from running, or shall we say, extending the show. We are just mute spectators but if all ends well then we will do our share of clapping and maybe give them a standing ovation.

We have seen so many deals in the last five years that another new ‘deal’ might not really excite us anymore. But we should give our politicians the benefit of the doubt one last time and maybe forgive them for their poor performance so far.

Politics is different and so are politicians. Old enemies become friends. They forgive and forget and they move on. In real life, friends become enemies and they will keep on whining about how the other screwed up at every weddings, paasneys and bartabands where mutual friends may show up.

Most of ‘Nepali’ business partnerships begin between old friends and by the time it ends, they are sworn enemies for life and even after-life.

Politicians make deals like we common citizens make chiya. So don’t fret if they forget the ‘special’ chiya they drank yesterday. We can all learn from them. Don’t live in the past, don’t worry about the future, just try to make the most out of the present!

We can learn from our great ‘netas’ and the art of surviving is to make deals left and right and it really doesn’t matter if you don’t honor them. You can always make a new deal to honor the previous deals kya.

Our chairman got a lot of flak for being part of a hard to believe ‘3 billion dollar’ deal to help Disney-fy Lumbini. I think it would have been better if he had asked the so-called organization to hire a proof-reader before they start handing out awards and stuff.

And we are still a nation and not yet a federation of princely states so it is always better for any foreign organization, existent or not, to go through a proper government channels rather than just ask our so-called VVIPs to lobby for them.

Anyways, the chairman is expected to fly to New York tomorrow. He is meeting the UN football team’s captain for coffee and a bagel with cream cheese please! They will be talking about Lumbini.

Our comrades really seem to love Lumbini and many seem to have found God again even though they claim to be atheists. Hope one day they will also celebrate Halloween. Some of our Kathmanduites have already started to and it’s probably the right time to form a struggle committee and petition for an official holiday next year.

Nepal Tourism Year has not ended yet and our government is already gearing up for the next tourism campaign. Lumbini Visit Year 2012 is now right around the corner.

And our government has formed a 108-member organizing committee to make it a success. I hope all our political parties and their sister organizations have already reserved their share of seats in the committee. It sure has done wonders for our local development thanks to the all-party mechanisms in our local bodies.

I am happy that our singing nun, Ani has been chosen as one of the goodwill ambassadors but whoever came up with the idea of having Jackie Chan, Rekha and Shah Rukh Khan as goodwill ambassadors?

It’s actually a great idea. Why not also invite Keanu Reeves? After all, he played Buddha while Shah Rukh only played Ashoka! And maybe Jackie dai will show us a stunt or two and Rekha auntie is still stunning as ever.

Now, we need to figure out how to relocate the polluting cement factories, build an international airport, highways, and enough hotels to accommodate the tourists in less than 60 days. Well, only the Chinese can do it. I hear they can build skyscrapers in less than a week!

Change 'Nepal'...

2011-11-03T01:01:00.008-10:00

Today's topic chai ali gaaro rahecha... hehe! 'Saga Inspired' asked me to write about '10 things that needs to be changed to really "change" Nepal' .... it's probably hard to come with the top 10 list like David Letterman does every night. So, I will just wander off like I do always.. hehe!

I think the first thing that needs to be changed is how our government works. Kay bhancha ni.... reform see-form. Accountability, transparency etiyaadi kya.

Our civil servants act like masters and the common citizens who pay their taxes get nothing in return kya. I seriously thought that the Maoists would really change Nepal.

We had seen the monarchy, the morons (so-called democracy wallahs) and we were left to see how the Maoists would run the country. So far, they have been a huge disappointment. Instead of hanging them corrupt and chors, they have partnered with the ghoos-khoris and have had fun looting the national coffer, more than any other political parties in Nepal nai hola!

Our netas come from the school of dhoonga-haaning'. They only know how to protest not how to govern. They only know how to burn tyres and hold 'masal' joo-loos (torch rallies) and really don't care if you need to be somewhere ... they just do bandhs to protest against the current regime and it only makes our lives miserable kya.

I have been trying to think about the 10 things that need to be changed to change Nepal. I am sorry if I can't come up with the 10 things hai.

We tend to blame our netas and our netas blame India for everything. I think it's about tyam we blamed ourselves for all the mess we are in.

Noodles prices went up by 20%. Public transportation pani abuh 10% lay increase bhayo. This is a country where them juice prices go up by 75% and raksi ko only 11% and we just whine and bitch kya.

Look at them Desis, If the Indian government raises them onion prices by a rupee... then all hell will break loose!

We have to stand up for our rights. We have the right to make an honest living. We have the right to go wherever we want and not be obstructed by joo-loos, chakka jaams and Bandhs. We got rid of the 'Shree Tins' ... and we left it to the Pancheys to screw us again. We got rid of the Pancheys and we got ourselves them so-called 'Democracy' wallahs and what did they do? Screwed us again!

Now, we are a republic and we have got them Maoists and the Madeshi netas to fix things up and what are they doing... they are busy screwing us over again.. hehe!

When will this end? I don't know. The recent 'Seven-Point' agreement seems to be the answer to all our problems rey. That's what our media wallahs are saying.... well, we will be spending 10 billion Rupees to pay off our PLA combatants .. paisa chahi kaha batuh liyeruh auney ni.. tyehi bideshi donor lai bhig maagney tuh hola ni!

There are so many things that really need to be changed to really change Nepal. And my guffs might go on forever .. so I don't want to do that.. hehe!

We don't need an army (neither PLA nor NA!) or a room full of stupid netas to change Nepal. If we go back and read them history books... it takes only one individual, one leader or leader-ni who has the courage and the determination to lead his or her people out of whatever mess they were in kya.

Look at Lincoln or even Golda Meir or Lee Kuan Yew... (add more if you majored in History hehe!)... one person .. one strong leader and then we are on the right track... I feel sorry for Prachanda!

Yes, we should give all them credit to the Maoists for bringing us here but when it mattered the most, they screwed up and like late Girija screwing it up before, Prachanda has screwed up too.

Abuh tuh... we will only face hundreds of coalition governments in the next twenty years and we will be stuck... unless one man or woman wakes up and smells the Bagmati river and decides to change Nepal for the better kya!

But until our savior arrives... we might do with two things hola. First ma chahi, we need to make our political parties accountable and transparent kya.

The Amrikis haroo ko politics ma chahi... you can find the names of them political campaign contributors and you can also get information of all them contractors who have received federal funding for them kaam saam kya... like them websites like opensecrets.org and USASpending.gov.

Check it out hai and you get the rough idea ni... hope Baburam dai does come up with something like this and make our netas , sarkari hakims and contractors show us them hisab kitab kya!

And if the comrades think them 'British' eeystle ko system doesn't work then let's go for the 'Amriki' one... One President , every four years, we can have them congress and the senate ni. At least we won't have them 'new' sarkar every 6 months kya!

At least it would be fun watching them 'Presidential debates' ni... so far, I have only seen Prachandoo cracking jokes and talking BS about his political opponents. I think he should join the 'Desi Comedy Circus' baroo!

Ani aroo neta haroo ko taal pani tyestai ho. Narayan Kazi is probably the only guy who knows how to speak hola. Dr. Saheb pani hawd-bada-yeruh bolcha kya! So don't be surprised if the other guy from 'Gorkha' becomes our next Prime-Minister hehe!

-----------------------------------------

"When I was young and free and my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world. As I grew older and wiser, I discovered the world would not change, so I shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change only my country.

But it, too, seemed immovable.

As I grew into my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I settled for changing only my family, those closest to me, but alas, they would have none of it.

And now, as I lie on my deathbed, I suddenly realize: If I had only changed myself first, then by example I would have changed my family.

From their inspiration and encouragement, I would then have been able to better my country, and who knows, I may have even changed the world."

Things to do in Nepal....

2011-11-02T02:11:00.004-10:00

My didi ko baccha haroo ko nanny ko boyfriend went to Saudi Arabia a year ago. I told him not to go. He was a lucky man. He even won a lakh Rupees, tyo coke ko bottle cap ko number sumber SMS garey ruh.

But he had to go... because he wanted to go abroad and experience the 'bideshi' life like many of our young men ni. He went to King Abdullah's kingdom to make some extra Riyals... but like many of our folks... he got played bhancha ni.

He wasn't paid for like four months ani tyes pachi, he got like NRs 12,000.00 per month. I think he will be back in a year and according to his guff suff, he will be back with maybe a lakh rupees in savings hola.

The guy paid 80,000 to some agent. So he will save like 20,000 after working like a camel for two years. Khoi kinuh janey ho tyeta tira? He should have opened a chiya pasal or a khaja ghar.

The guy was really good at cooking them 'Nepali' spicy food kya. I even wanted to invest in his 'khaja ghar' but I guess he really wanted to ride them camels and learn some Arabic hola ni.

Work is work... Nepal ma hos ki Bidesh ma. The only difference is that in Nepal, you can slack off and you won't get fired kya. Jhan if you are a trade union wallah then you don't have to show up for work (if you attend them rallies and what not) and still get paid ... hehe!

Mero ghar agaadi euta kaath ko factory cha. The guy's been doing this 'furniture banau-ney' kaam for ages. His wife is already a hakim-ni (she really loves to boss them employees) and he has already built a 3 storey house pani.

Many of our welders, carpenters and even professional drivers have left for the Middle East. Ani baaki bhaako haroo ko tuh monopoly jasto nai cha yeha! The carpenter is a big man now. He won't come to our house to fix our doors and stuff. He won't even send his assistant.

I think you are more likely to get your valves fixed at Sahid Ganga Lal Heart Center next month but your door won't be fixed in a year kya. Lot of folks who come back from Bidesh (with some dough) seem to open restaurants here in the valley. But them 'restaurant' business is not easy kya.

You might have them hi-fi interior and stuff but what Nepalis love ... momo, chowmein and jay pani sadheko... hehe! So it's better to open a sekuwa palace than a Spanish restaurant kya!

Ani it's pretty hard to find really good employees nowadays. All our waiter bhais will work for a month or maybe six months and then the next thing you know, they are on their way to the Middle East or some poultry farm in Malaysia.

So if you are a restaurant sahuji or sahuni then please learn some cooking skills pani. You never know when them chefs quit kya. Nikkai vow sow khoj-chan rey!

There are a few restaurants in the valley ... uni haroo lay barsa ma 1-2 karod nai kamau-chan! Aroo tuh khoi... either just surviving or a bunch of byapari ko choros who have some extra pocket money and they want to open a place to hang out or something!

But the most important thing tuh customer service nai ho kya. Hamro kathmandu ko restaurant haroo ma ki khana atti nai mitho ani wait staff chahi 'sabai attitude problem bhaako ki chahi ramro customer service bhaako taruh kahana chai thik-thikai!

Lau.. hope our future restaurant wallahs have found the perfect recipe for success abuh tuh!

A friend of mine recently started a 'farming' thing. He and his saathis have leased like 100 ropani jagga in the outskirts of the valley. He is doing good rey and most of his employees are from Terai.

Yes, with due respect to Pahadis but Madeshis have greater work ethic hola.... ani uni haroo lai pani jit-ney tuh Desi bhai haroo nai ho! If you go to them housing sites... majority of them construction wallahs chahi sabi Indians.

Why? Because they work 12+ hours a day and don't complain and don't need to spend their money on new mobiles, new jeans and raksi saksi at night kya.

So if you really want to do something in Nepal instead of going abroad or if you are back home and want to be an entrepreneur then do what you know ki kay bhancha ni.

If you are a NASA ko scientist then sorry, we don't have any jobs for you. Better go back to Houston hola ni. But if you have a hotel management degree then get some experience (like 5 years) working for some hotels here and then only think about opening your own boutique hotel kya.

It probably takes 5 years to learn everything from 'Nepali Tyam', nautanki nataks of your employees and Nepal ma kaam garney tarika kya! But of course that doesn't mean you will be successful.

A friend of mine has a degree , tyehi hotel sotel ma from the 'Toblerone' land! He's been working at a five star hotel for the last 6 years hola.

He and his friends opened a restaurant a few years ago and invested like 25-30 lakhs hola. Well, their business venture failed. And the guy is a F&B wallah... hehe!

So just because you have a degree from the Kennedy School of Government doesn't mean that you can run the 'Nepali' government kya! I tell my 'Just Back' friends that instead of throwing away their hard-earned dollars and Euros.. baroo just go trekking ... do that 'Great Himalaya Trail' or something!

Visit your old friends who are now sahujis or maharanis of Kathmandu and listen to them. Well, most of the tyam they will probably be giving you a BT (Big Talk as they say in 'Darjeeling' hehe!) but they are the ones driving around in them SUVs and spending lakhs on them gym membership fees ni.

Not all of them are into 'Fake Vat Bills' hola ni but most of them do know how to bribe the right people kya.. hehe! But for those who plan to go away to work and make a few extra dollars.... my advice would be .... don't do it! If you want to go abroad for further studies then you really should go kya.

But of course, if you do get them 'office' jobs that pays fairly well then do go and make and save some dineros! My cousin works in Dubai kyaaruh... computer somputer, he makes 40,000 a month. Tyesto job tuh garnoo parcha.. Nepal ma either you have to join D2Hawkeye or INGO to make that kind of money ni.

Nepal ma pani cha ramro school haroo but not everyone will get admission to KU or IoE ni! And if you really have no education (only matric pass!) then you won't get much in Nepal.

Dherai bhaye 7,000 hola... tyeso bhaney chahi, please learn them 'Korean' bhasa and take the test and go to South Korea. You will be making at least 60,000 Rupees a month kya. 5 barsa ma kehi savings hooncha ani farkey-ruh kehi garney ni!

Mero thulo bau ko gaun ma basney bhai did just that and he is flying to Korea next year. He came to visit me last month. I told him to crash at my place but he and his friends were staying at them guesthouse in Sundhara rey.

He asked me for some advice. Why do people ask me for advice kya? If they really knew me then they would rather offer me a bottle of Prozac hola... hehe! Anyways, I told him to relax and spend time with his family. And no wild parties or bike tour sour.... ani what did he do when he went to his gaun?

He had them wild parties and did a bike tour and broke his leg rey. Lau ja.... you have to be careful kya. Ek barsa dukha garey ruh Korean test pass bhayo abuh janey bela ma arko natak!

Niva wanted me to write about "things to do in Nepal (in relation to those who migrate to overseas and forget about things one can do in Nepal)" ... but as usual, I have wandered off hola!

My cousin is planning to go to Canada. He works for a really good 'Nepali' company. He makes 50,000 a month and they have given him a bike, laptop etiyaadi pani.

He has never been to a foreign land except India. India doesn't count rey.. uslay nai bhanya. I have never been to India. I really want to go to India someday... do the 'All India' tour hehe!

I told my cousin to save his money and not spend 2-3 lakh to get Canada ko PR CR kya. Buda budi jaaney rey. Yeha ko po MBA , Canada ma gayeruh kay garney... unless he will be happy working at some convenience store owned by a Punjabi Paaji!

With due respect to folks who work at convenience stores but my cousin wants to be a CEO someday. He won't be a CEO in Canada but Nepal ma tuh, he already has a good job and is now well-conneceted... abuh 10-15 barsa corporate ladder chawd-dai gayo bhaney tuhu CEO tuh banlaa ni!

I told him to get another MBA from some Canadian university if he really goes to Canada and then maybe move to the Middle East and work for some 'Kuirey' corporation there kya. Natra bhaney he won't be happy, selling BMC Masalas to Desi aunties ni.

But he is a hard working man. I think he will make it anywhere (better start watching them 'ice hockey' stuff if you want to be a CEO in Canada hehe!) but it's the same formula everywhere ni.

Even if you are pumping gas somewhere in Alabama and if it's only a summer job then that's fine but if you really want to get into the gas station business then you have to work there for at least 5 years so that you know the inside-out ni ani afnai business garney ni!

And this is coming from a guy who once was very happy when Rajat Gupta headed McKinsey. Rajat-ey... why did you become a 'bad arse' just to make a few million dollars more kya?

Anyways, I have a reputation of being one of the laziest employees around. And people tell me that I change jobs like Lady Gaga changes her undergarments! I suck at them analogies, don't I?

I think in my previous life .. I was a consultant hola ni... or the guy who really had no goals in life ki kay bhanca ni.. hehe!

Nepal offers more opportunities than in the West kya. Ask them Europeans who are doing pretty well with their 'cheese' farms but they have the skills ni. So if you don't have the skills then you really can't sell yourself anywhere kya.

With due respect to a dance bar dancer but even if you work there, you need to have some dancing skills ni hoinuh ruh? So when people complain that Nepal ma kehi chaina... Nepal ma sabai kura cha.

Yes, not all of us are connected or corrupted or can choose the easy chor-way out ni. But nearly all of us are confused.. tyo tuh ho hagi! I am a successful failure. Tyo 'Apollo 13' ko die-log chorya mailey!

I have tried nearly everything possible except climb Mount Everest or write a book hola. I have no plans to climb Everest ... never! I am not a 'mountain' man! I can't do it!

But someday I do plan to write a book. My sister tells me that I should write one... about my 'time-pass' in them foreign lands where I developed a funny 'Govinda' accent by watching Comedy Central 24/7 and learned nothing but the names of all them food-stall wallahs at Newton Circus hehe!

My 1,000+ days of 'reverse culture shock' pachi.. what I have learned in Nepal chai... you need patience, perseverance and persistence! I think yo formula tuh sabai thau ma nai laagoo hooncha .. be it Nepal or Naples kya!

It's not easy like in the West, where your ivy league degree can get you a job as M&A wallah at some Wall Street firm ni! But of course tyes pachi maathi janey tuh afnai hard work lay nai ho ni.. and yes a little bit of politics tuh jaha pani hooncha nai!

Nepal ma tuh , even our KU MBA wallahs have to start off as either interns or low-level bank employees kya. And no .. you won't learn the magic formula from KU ko MBA school... just go back to 1996..and follow our Mao-buddies.

Yes, they are into extortion and all that BS and act more like a mafia organization but Mao Inc. can teach us a lot ... on how to survive and finally succeed in Nepal!

I am not saying that you should go blow up a police post in Rolpa again or start writing 'voluntary donations' to byaparis... Nepal ma atta-liye-ruh kaam chaina.

Take it easy.... but make a plan, 10 barsey plan! Or if you have tyam then do attend the 'Thursdays' program conducted by the E4Nepal wallahs! Hear from them folks who have made it here.

If you go through them list sist, 99% of them are neither grandsons of Chandra Shumsher or come from Marwaari families kya. Bhanna khojya..... don't blame your lack of education or money or muscles .... ki chai PhD garey ruh Nepal farkaw ki chahi.... mey-haw-nawt gareruh paisa kamau! If all fails.. then join politics... hehe!

And one more thing, a lesson from Gyanu Uncle chahi.... better listen to customer feedback and hire competent professionals rather than your cronies and chamchas.

Our Mao-buddies are repeating the same mistakes ... khoi our netas will never learn hola but they can afford to make mistakes because they need only six months to head a government and they can make enough to last their saat-pustaaz ni.

Tara hami tuh, law-abiding citizens haroo haum... we can't afford to act like them chors ni. So follow the 3Ps.... stay calm, stay on course and stay foolish and hungry pani.. hehe!

Civic Sense...

2011-11-01T01:01:00.000-10:00

I was once at Alka Hospital .... line ma... had to get some meds for my 'Nepali' stomach kya. Uncleji was behind me .... ani he was either in a hurry or was once a wrestling champ hola ... because he had his arms around mine and was trying to get some pills even though he knew that the pharmacy guy was trying his best to fill up line ma baw-sey ko haroo ko dabai sabai.

I had to tell our 'Sumo' uncle to back off ... he did for a second and then was back again to his 'arm' wrestling techinques. Khoi kay bhanney... we are all in a hurry hagi.. welcome to 'New' Nepal where we now act like pricks! Even them cave-men and women were probably more civilized hola hagi.

I have a new neighbor who really loves to park his 'shiny' third-hand japani gaadi right in front of my gate. I tried writing a nice little note once.. it didn't work! I tried shouting at sabai chimeki ko ghars.. it didn't work either!

Finally, I had no choice but to wait like 4 hours, outside my gate for the 'jagga dalal' to show up. I showed him the street parking .. yes, quite lucky to have them 'street' parking thing in my neighborhood.. aaj kal Kathmandu valley ma kaha bato ma parking garney thau cha ruh?

I once decided to go crazy and started a monthly neighborhood cleaning program in my tole. I did it for a year and half. Every Saturday morning from 7am to like 9 or 9:30!

Every week, I would distribute 200+ invitations to our tole-baasis. Only 10 would show up. So I had no choice but to ask the local police wallahs, the APF wallahs and ek choti tuh I even asked the Nepal Army guys from the barracks to come help us out.

They all did... but my tole-baasis never came to help out except my friends and six ladies from the local 'Naari' samuha!

Two years ago, half the road would be blocked by them trash srash dumped by them local vegetable sellers. There was a boutique hotel nearby. Them owners are descendants of some Shree Tin Maharaja. They didn't care.

Bam Dev was the Home Minister then hola... he drove to his office everyday.. tyehi bato batuh. He didn't care. He was more worried about police promotions and stuff ni. So one day, I asked the local sanitation company to resolve them issues they had with our vegetable mafia!

The municipality wallahs drive them old rusty trucks and they only pick up yeta oota ko fohor. They were pretty good when we were in high school. Tyeti bela tuh Germany lay aid said din-thyo ni. Thula Thula container etiyaadi.

The Chinese have given us them 108 trucks rey. Khoi sabai dhoosi parey ruh basi raa-chan rey. There are now many private waste management companies and they do a pretty good job. But our local vegetable sellers were not willing to pay Rs 50 a month to the private company to haul their trash rey.

So I visited the local veggie market and requested them to pay the monthly fee. We all do ni ... ani bato bhari tarkari ko fohor... they didn't care.. they were wearing them masks sasks and carrying on their business kya.

Then one guy threatened me ... 'tapai thar-kau-naw nau-awoo-noos' ... 'hamro pani manchey cha kya' ... I was drinking Sprite. I should not have but I did... I just decided to see for myself if the Sprite ko bottle was breakable or not. So I decide to test it on his head. I guess he got the message and so did the rest of them local byaparis.

Today, the bato has been cleared... it's been all safa and no fohor for the last two years. They pay their monthly 'trash' fee on tyam. They are still charging jpt prices for them veggies anyway but so far... it's all good ni.

I even asked the local YCL honcho to win the hearts and minds of the local people by helping the tole sole kya. Bichara.. he was too busy coordinating them local thugs for them local tender sender nataks.

I don't blame them political cadres pani... all of them are in it for the money kya. They have to survive.. yestai ho Naya Nepal ma. If you ask them to take a pop quiz on them communist bichar-dhara... nearly all of them would get a 'F' hola. Sabai goonda ki opportunists ko bhela po rahecha.. kay desh banau cha yesta daaka haroo lay.

Ye... was supposed to talk about 'civic sense' in Nepal, Kathmandu etiyaadi.. hehe! I tend to wander off kya.. yestai ho ... hehe!

I usually take the tyampoo to work. Every tyam, the tyampoo stops in front of Kathmandu Mall... there will be like 20 folks rushing to get in even before we get off kya. Sometimes, I tell them 'Ek Chin .. hami lai jhar-naw dinoos'.. ani sometimes when I am not happy with the guffs by the RJ at the local FM station then I just rush out like a guy jumping off a burning train or something. The guy trying to dive in ... has to back off or is backed off by my sudden 'I want to get out' natak hehe!

The other day... I was waiting for the Micro after work. Tyampoo sabai pack sack... the Micro stopped in front of me and as I was ready to get in, a lady (works for some finance company... yes all them co-ops and finance wallahs have their dress code ni). She just rushed in, threw me off-balance, her bag hit my left eye.

She didn't even apologize kya... so it's not only them men who are 'jungalees'.. we also have 'Jungle' Queens pani.. hehe!

Back in the 90s... everybody would just get off their seats and ask them ladies to sit down... abuh tuh, khoi kay ho..... chivalry is dead in Kathmandu hola!

And no, let us not blame the 'gaun' wallahs or them out-of-towners or fresh off the bus or whatever.... most of them traffic violators are people with at least them high school education or them so-called 'hoonay khaney' kya!

I think we men, should give up our seats to our grandmothers, aunts and the sick and pregnant ladies .. bhanna khojya sabai naari haroo lai kya! Well if you are sick, or a disabled man then it's not a good idea to give up your seat hola but you know what I mean!

I think, we Nepalis have this 'ghar bahira jay pani chalcha' mentality. We clean our homes, we have a nice garden etiyaadi.. ani fohor chahi bahira huttai-dey!

I still remember my Dad, in the 90s.. waking up at like 5 in the morning and carrying a big stick ... trying to figure out who was dumping them fohor bato sato ma! Finally, he found the culprit... He was a hakim saheb at some mantralaya.. hehe!

We can't expect people to change by themselves kya. We do need to come up with tough fines and enforce it pani. That's how Singapore did it! If Lee Kuan Yew had thought that Singaporeans would just realize their mistakes and be better citizens and just left all of them to do their own thing then Singapore today would see them racial riots and what not!

And Lee grandpa wouldn't be the 'Minister Mentor' ni... and PAP would have been kicked out a long tyam ago hola but Singapore ma sabai thik cha except them 'freedom of speech' thing.

You can do whatever you want as long as you are not vandalizing, kicking other people or burning stuff kya. Mero experience ma tuh ... I think Singapore is more 'free' than Amrika. If you have lived in Singapura and them Amrikan cities then you know what I mean! If you haven't lived in them places then don't worry.. just trust me when I say that Lee's garden is more fun than so-called 'Amriki' thau haroo!

Kishunji onced promised us that Nepal would be Singapore... well, Jhingapur tuh banai halyo yee sabai chor neta haroo lay! I think Kathmandu Valley chahi baroo Singapore jastai banau milcha hola.

Aroo kehi naw-bhaye pani.... fohor sohor, vandalism sandalism garney haroo lai kada fine ruh back-side ma 6-7 korra pani!

Or maybe we need to ask JICA to send us like 10,000 volunteers like that 'old' Japani guy, a traffic volunteer who even asked the DIG to hand him his driving license. The DIG didn't have it with him rey. And one day, I saw him nearly choking a pedestrian who was trying to dodge traffic and get to Norvic hospital hola.. hehe!

If the Karate Kid ko guru (hehe.. the Japani uncle) hadn't choked the bugger then he would have been hit by a speeding Micro and would have landed at Norvic anyway!

And we have already seen how effective the 'no smoking in public places' law has been hagi! This is where our Mao-buddies can really win the hearts and minds of the people kya.

If they are still thinking of a one-party state then it would be a waste of tyam for them hola but if they really want to win the next general election then they better use them YCLs for community service kya.

If our comrades were really into changing the way we live, act etiyaadi then it's about tyam they helped our traffic police, sanitation workers and even the chor-police ni.

Our police-wallahs are seriously undermanned.. population chahi 10 goona lay badi sakyo... tyehi 3-4,00 hajar lay kaam chalau! Everything.. bato sato, paani , batti... khoi neta haroo jindagi kaam garey ruh khaa-ye ko bhaye po , thaha hoonthyo janta ko marka? Jahiley pani fokatey ko guff hanyo ani lootyo .. basyo!

Expecting our netas and even our own folks to change is like waiting for the Halley's comet hola ni. That would happen after 50 years hola. (2061 AD ma aucha rey!) ki ek din lai change hoonay ani arko 70-75 barsa dekha naw-parney?

So let us change ourselves first. Do your part kya.... be a civic-minded citizen ki kay bhancha ni. Amrika ma bhaye .. law-abiding citizen hoo-noo bhan-thyo.. abuh hya tuh kay ko law saw.... chor-neta ban-noo ani no need to follow the rule of law nai!

Don't throw your cigarette butt bato ma... carry a portable ashtray with you .. if you see a person throwing something then gently remind him or her to pick it up and find a trash can (yes, KMC now has them green trash thing everywhere) or keep it with themselves till they get home ni.

If they stare at you like you gone crazy then I think it's better if you pick it up yourself and tell the thulo manchey that you will dispose it yourself! Or carry a trash bag with you nai and pick it up yourself and pachi ghar gayeruh... you can build a big plasti-bag ko tent (with holes.. sabai kacchi tuh chan ni!).

And one more thing before I stop my guff for today. I hope Min is not disappointed with my guff hola.. hehe! I need to ask them bike manufacturers to install some kind of an automatic braking (sensor) system because most of them bikes in the valley don't have brakes rahecha!

Them bike-wallahs see them pedestrians crossing them street but they never stop kya. They either wait for the last minute to stop when they realize that they will probably hit the person or will try to squeeze by and probably hit you with their handle sandle.

Well, them bike-wallahs hogging all our pavements and making them leg-wallahs life hell has stopped for now thanks to our traffic cops! But seriously... either them bike-wallahs need a separate, 'one-bike' lane or need to be asked to take a 3 years BTR (Bachelor's in Traffic Rules) course before they get their license hola!

Ek side batuh po over-take garney ni... daya ani baya batuh pani bike sike.... ani aroo gaadi chaluney lay tuh abuh co-pilot nai hire garnoo parney bela ayee sakyo hagi! And the Micro-drivers need to learn how to stop their vehicle at them bus stops and not in the middle of the road or whenever they see someone waving kya.

Bato ko paari arko lai bye bye gari raa hola... yetti kai rokh-chan Micro guruji... bato ko bich-ma.. hehe!

My sister had a scootie once. She sold it since she had to go to chimeki rastra for her further studies. And one day, I was with her and the way she rode that bike made me scream at her. She was like ... 'Brother, you have seen nothing.. this is how you ride in Kathmandu!'...

Yes, you don't look left or right or even use your brakes.... just speed ahead and squeeze here and there or else you will be stuck in traffic for another hour or two rey. Well, why the hell are we in a hurry?

If every freaking thing works on Nepali tyam then why the @#$! are we all rushing to get to the cinema hall or restoo-rant or even squeeze in that Micro Bus even when it's not even the last bus kya!

Everybody is running around as if they are late for some important meeting with Bill Gates or something. I even had to follow one guy , uha bike ma , muh chahi didi ko gaadi maa.... he nearly crashed into the vehicle thapathali ma cause he was speeding. So I was pissed kya.... ani lastuh ma gayeruh tyo Lainchaur ko DDC ma ice-cream khana hatar bhaye ko rahecha tyo bahini lai!

Bike chala-ko eestyle tuh muh chahi kun chai mundrey goonda hola bhaney ko tuh nursing pawd-ney bahini po parecha. Kay bhanney abuh 'DDC ko ice-cream mithai hooncha' bhaney ruh gaye afno bato... hehe!

Anyways, I no longer am an angry man. I have mellowed down in the last 500 days kyaaruh. I don't run out of the gates and start hitting people with a stick when they are cursing and fighting in my neighborhood at 3 in the morning.

I don't beat folks up for throwing them trash srash bato ma.. I pick it up and store it in my backyard for the sanitation guy to pick it up the next day. I don't even argue with them Micro-wallahs for kocha-ing enough people to break some kind of a Guinnes World Record!

I just do my own stuff... I don't want to be taking them blood pressure ko pills soon ni. So let us just do our part.... and hope someday, we will finally get someone like Lee Kuan Yew. I like the 'tough fines' and 'caning' part but not them censorship thing ni feri.

Hope Dr. Saheb can do something about this.... abuh tuh usko pani tyam sakya jasto cha .. khoi... Prachandoo could have been Lee Kuan Yew and he still can be one. Stop dreaming about becoming a combo of Buddha-Gandhi-Jungay kya.

Tyeso ban-naw lai tuh ki tyo Rolex ghadi , lakh-au ko khaat ani pariwar tyaag-noo paryo... ki daura-surwal lagaa-yeruh shaanti yatra ma hidnoo paryo ki chahi sabai afnaa opponents haroo lai marnoo paryo ni!

So.... it's about tyam our netas ani hami pani.. we all need to step up and do what's right ... ki kaso?

Ani one more thing... yo queue ma bas-daa kheri... I think people need to understand that it's more like a single-file thing than four jungalees trying to get their stuff done at the same tyam, be it them bank sank or sarkari office kya. Ani bato ma hid-daa sabai angaal maardai, bato nai dhaak-nay garey ruh hid-noo parcha ruh?

100,000 and counting...

2011-11-01T00:01:00.001-10:00

I started guff-ing back in 1997... .tyeti bela blog slog bhanney thiyenuh kyaaruh! I had them free account at tripod.com and my friend from the UK would do his 'cool' cartoons for my so-called guff-ing site.

So it's been 14 years since I started writing guffs online. Back then, our Mao-buddies were just starting to steal them old rusty guns from some remote police post here and there. The Congressis were busy looting the national coffer and late King Birendra would walk from his palace to his daughter's ghar in Thamel once in a while and folks were more laid back.

Today, we are a 'republic' , but it has been more of a 'rip off the public' nataks so far. The monarchy is gone... the Maoists and Madeshi netas make money while the Congressis are broke and once again on the verge of a break-up.

I discontinued my guffs on 2001 after the 'Royal Massacre' ... I don't know why... then began my guff suff on 2003 and then quit on 2007. Tyes pachi, feri.... I began on late 2008 but began writing daily from October 2nd, 2010 till October end ... but I broke my vow of daily-guffing last week .. hehe!

Yes, Nepal has changed except our 'Nepal Police' ... hehe! They still act like chors and cannot speak without using foul language and bamboo sticks! We don't have netas like Ganesh Man Singh, Man Mohan Adhikari, Madan Bhandari .... we have Baban Singh, VAT Mohan Adhikari (he was there pahila pani!) and the panchey-congressi-madeshi neta Sharad Singh Bhandari hehe!

We don't have them black tyampoos and Vikram tyampoos anymore. But we have 'Safa' Tyampoos now ... that's good! Sajha Buses are now rusting in them Sajha ko parking lot. Now, we have them 'killer' Micros ni.. that's not good!

We had so-called fashion models then and we still do... baroo instead of them models, I think it's about tyam we all learned to play the 'maadal' hola... hehe! With due respect to them 'models' and all them so-called 'beauty queens' but Malina Joshi represents the 'real' Nepali woman!

She is beautiful, smart ani paw-dya pani chin ni... I hope she doesn't date some rich byapari's son like them previous Miss Nepals and act like a 'trophy' girlfriend ... hehe!

It doesn't matter if you are only matric-pass or have a Master's in Conflict Resolution or something... taruh be a good person ni... don't act like Paris Hilton kya... we are not in Hollywood hai!

I think she should go for a PhD hola... that would really intimidate our so-called 'KTM' ko heroes ... who think driving a SUV and talking about Ambanis and Trump's daughter is really inspiring.

Baroo ... if you have all them 'fake VAT Bill' ko millions in your bank account then why not build a school in Dolpa or fund a local (free) health clinic ni?

We had better roads, street lights and ali ramro waste management system then... now, naw bato ramro, jaado lagey ki batti nai gayeb ani naw tuh fohor ko management nai cha!

Of course, population in the valley has increased from half a million to more than 5+ million ni.... and unless we have local elections and local ward chairpersons and mayor-nis... we really won't see much improvement in our roads and tole sole kya. Our so-called all-party gangsters will continue to steal our state funds and we will continue to stay quiet and go on with our lives hola ni!

Anyways, I just want to thank all of you ... wherever you are ... for reading my guffs! A year ago, on this day, I had like 1,400 page views kyaaruh. I only wrote kahiley kaahi then... ahiley tuh, we have crossed the 100,000 mark!

Tyam to party hola... so this year, I will be sending you a Christmas/New Year card to all them folks who read my blog. It doesn't matter where you are ... as long as you are not an astronaut and up there in some space station kya. Just send me an email at guffadi@gmail.com!

Please mention your full name, DOB, mailing address. I promise to send you a X'mas/New Year card this year and maybe the next one will be when this guff-ing site reaches the million mark hola ni.. hehe!

And from November 1st onwards, I will only be writing what you want me to write about or something like that. Tomorrow, I will be guff-ing about 'civic sense in Nepal' then on Nov 2nd chahi, 'Things to do in Nepal' and third ma '10 things ....' . Thank you Min, Niva and Sagainspired for giving me the topic!

If you want me to guff about something, then do use the 'comment' section below and mention the date pani. Nov 4th dekhi sabai khaali na cha hai!

Once again, thank you and God Bless America... ye sorry.. Naya Nepal!

Ye.. and a big thank you to one of the Guffadians who has decided to open a Facebook fan page.. thanks hai! I will buy you a dinner when you are in town hai!

Do visit the Guffadi FB Page and likes sikes it pani!

And thank you Nepali Times, esp the famous writer, Rabi Thapa for paying me to publish my guffs. And of course, Republica and their crew ... for having me as one of them blogumnists hehe! And thank you to my love, coach, editor and therapist pani.. I love you!

Lumbini Visit Year 2012

2011-10-30T21:46:00.002-10:00

All our netas seem to be in love with Lumbini hagi. Even our Mao-buddies who are supposed to be atheist have found God hola ni. Dr. Saheb has formed a 'Guinness World Record' nai toad-ney organizing committee of 108 great folks rey.

And the organizing committee plan to invite Jackie Chan, Rekha and Shah Rukh Khan to be them goodwill ambassadors for this 'Lumbini Visit Year - 2012' campaign.

Nixon got to share a cup of noodles with Mao, thanks to his 'Ping Pong' diplomacy nataks abuh hami chahi... I guess we are doing the 'Celebrity' diplomacy thing hola.

Hope Jackie Chan will also make another 'action' movie in Lumbini. Movie ko story chahi: He is a monk in a Chinese monastery in Lumbini and then gets into a fight with the local dons or something like that.

Ani what do we do with Rekha and Shah Rukh Khan? I think Danny Dengzopa would have been a good fit or even Shekhar Kapur ( I hear he's into Buddhism) or even Uma Thurman ko bau, the Professor from New York ni.

Rekha is still beautiful and she can do a reunion movie with Amitabh hola ni... Lumbini ko garden ma gaana saana ki kaso? Shah Rukh Khan played 'Ashoka' abuh maybe he should play 'Siddartha Gautam' ki kaso?

The 'LVY' campaign aims to bring around a million tourists rey... feri .. is this like Nepal Tourism Year 2011 ko sequel ki kya ho?

And our comrade chairman, Prachandoo is heading to NYC on November 5th to have a cup of coffee and bagel with the UN football team ko captain, Mr. Ban ki Moon and talk about disney-fication of Lumbini.

I think it's about tyam, all them cement factories around Lumbini should be relocated somewhere else. Ani Lumbini jaaney bato baroo Japanese lay arko six-lane highway banai diney ho ki?

There are many Buddhist businessmen in Nepal. From Vaidya to Jyoti and them Shakyas and Tuladhars. I think they have better 'international' networks than our comrade chairman who only knows a few people from RAW (the Indian intelligence agency!).

The only reason Prachandoo is running around, trying to get 'international' support for Lumbini chahi... he wants some commission from them '3 billion dollar' investment thing kya.

10% khaye pani 300 million US$... ani tyes pachi , our comrades won't have to extort and act like a mafia organization hola ni. I hope comrade chairman will stop attending them so-called 'Chinese' NGO ko meeting as co-vice-chairman hehe!

How stupid can you be ? You have already been a Prime-Monster of Nepal.. yeso ali ali class slass dehkau-noo ni hoinuh ruh? Why is he acting like a lobbyist for some 'shady' organization kya?

I think our government should run a decade long 'tourism' campaign. Next year 'Lumbini' bhayee halyo.. arko barsa 'Pokhara' , tyes pachi 'Bandipur' and so on.

Baroo... come up with a plan and once Lumbini has all them highways, international airport and hotels (to accommodate all them tourists and pilgrims) ani balla po 'Visit Lumbini' campaign soo-roo garney ni! A million tuh kay.. 10 million nai aucha hola ni tyes pachi tuh!

Our netas neither have any plan slan nor do they promise that they won't do any bandhs and nautanki nataks kya. Mukh ma jay ayo bolyo... now Prachandoo tells us that they won't get things done by November 30th ... arko 6 months extension chai-hi-yo rey.

Maybe he should just quit politics and devote all his energy and nautanki nataks on Lumbini. He can keep the 10% and his son can update his facebook albums.... Lumbini ko garden ma bandook samatey-ruh photo kichney hola ni feri comrade crown prince lay.. hehe!

Nepal Sambat...

2011-10-29T01:08:00.003-10:00

Mao Inc. is probably the richest political-business-mafia organization in Nepal. They are the largest political party, they own all them jaggas in Kathmandu and have invested karods in them media, hospitals, banks and what not. And they also have all them chor-dakas in them YCLs and of course, them trade union wallahs who act like them 'hafta-asooli' dons from Mumbai hehe!

UML is broke. What the hell were Makune and Jhallu Baba doing when they were them Prime-Monsters ni? I guess they just wanted a free 'SUV' and them 'security for life' deal hola. And our Congressis haroo ko pani halat patla kya. The Madeshi parties haroo pani... them netas are now all 'Karod-Patis' while them party sarty tuh tyehi taal ho.

If you want to get into 'Nepali' Politics then your Harvard degree is not enough hai (hehe!), you need to follow the 'Sharad' dai ko formula.

Yes, Mr. Sharad Singh Bhandari can teach our new turks a lesson on rajniti. He was a manadely during them Panchey days. Then he became a 'Kangaroo' and now he is a 'Madeshi' leader.

If you want to survive then you better adapt or else you will fail kya. Our Mao-buddies are hosting a tea party on October 31st. So if you want a free cup of tea and some samosa, kera and ladoo then please go to Bhrikuti Mandap hai.

The comrades are hosting this tea reception to celebrate Dashain, Tihar, Nepal Sambat and Chhath festivals rey. Waah rey... sabai Bhramin-Chettri, Newar ani Madeshi haroo lai samatey-ko ho ki kya ho?

Hope they will also host them tea parties during Losar and maybe have a 'midnight feast' during Ramadan kya. Ani balla po huncha tuh... so-called 'inclusive' party hagi.

And even our comrades are celebrating Tihar, playing Deusi-Bhailo .... what's wrong with our communists? Please do participate in them Christmas Carols pani hai.

I guess our Maoists have stopped praying to Mao & Marx ... abuh tuh money & muscles ko khel tuh ho ni. Dr. Saheb tells us that Nepal Sambat calender will be implemented soon rey. Yes, it's about tyam we got rid of this 'Bikram Sambat' aka B.S. natak ni.

I guess our comrades really want to win the hearts and minds of the 'Newars' in the valley. Baburam dai must have learned his lesson well. When he was the Finance Minister, he decided to cut down them 'buffalo' budget for them Newar festivals and them folks nearly burned down the valley hehe!

You don't want to piss off them Newars kya. First you make your move when they are all drunk and partying like crazy (yes, Mr. Shah from Gorkha got lucky after the third tyam) and then let them party some more so that they won't hold a grudge ni.

I think we should have 'Nepal Sambat' for cultural purposes ani baroo official kaam saam ko laagi tuh, we should follow the 'Kuirey' calender ni baroo. Look at them Desis, all them civil service dekhi education sabai Angrez kai tuh follow gari raa-cha ni... ramrai garya chan kyaaruh!

And Baburam dai attended them 'Vinutna' function and read his speech in 'Newari' ... accent saccent ruh yeta oota pronunciation ali naw-miley pani... taali chahi khoob pitay chan hamra 'Newar' daju bhai haroo lay.

Padma Ratna Tuladhar, our so-called comrade, human rights wallah got all emotional and was crying rey. He also requested the Prime Minister to speak in them local languages when he attends them 'local' functions across the country.

Lau fasad abuh Dr. Saheb lai.... Losar ma tuh Gurung, Tamang, Sherpa, Rai sabai ko bhasa ahiley dekhi siknay ho ki? And if Baburam dai really thinks that Palestine deserves a statehood then what about Tibet ni? Why are we scared of the Chinese Embassy?

Tyestai durr cha baney Amrika ko command center chahi Rolpa ma rakh-naw dim.. they can co-ordinate their Afghan-Pak operations from here ni. No, I am not for selling our country but if all them remote areas lai lease ma dim naw.

When the Amrikis leave then we can convert them bases into hotels and what not... British lay hill station haroo banai-diye naw .... baroo Lady Gaga pani au-cha ki ghoom-naw Nepal ma.. hehe!

We can't keep both them Chinese and Desi bhais happy.. so let's get the biggest brother and have fun ni baroo... then who knows... the Amrikan Embassy will give us all them iphones hola ni.. hehe!

Okay, let's get back to the Nepal Sambat.... the Bikram Sambat is all screwed up because it's 2068 now and even though, we seem to be ahead of them kuireys by 57 years... desh ko halat hay-raw nuh.

1132 is more like it... we can say, we still have like 880 years to catch up with them so-called 'bikasit' rastras ni. Wishing all the Newars, a happy New Year 1132!

It's about tyam, they woke up and kicked some neta haroo ko arses so that we will finally get the constitution and maybe minimize the looting of our state funds by the so-called all-party mechanism nataks!

We need you folks again. Kathmandu ka Newar haroo naw-uthay samma yee neta haroo lay looti rahan-chan.. lau abuh motorcycle rally matra hoina.. Prachandoo ko palace ma gayeruh hisab kitab leem baroo!

Sisters....

2011-10-28T11:07:00.000-10:00

Today is 'Bhai Tika' and the auspicious hour for offering tika chahi 11:55am rey. But don't worry, we have come a long way and our priests don't eat fruits and yogurt anymore... they are more into momocha and whiskey ko chuski kya.

It's okay to receive tika from your sisters throughout the day and our Gods won't be pissed off. I think it's about tyam our Hindu priests stop discriminating against 'thulo' dais ni.

It's probably a little odd for a 'Daju' to call up his sister from Australia and wish her happy 'Bhai Tika' ... baroo, abuh dekhi 'Daju Bhai Tika' bhan-dim naw!

If you don't know them story behind Bhai Tika then let me refresh your memory hai. Today is the day, Yamuna invited her brother, Lord Yamaraj (yes similar to Lord Voldemort for our kids.... hehe!) for a special khana, tika and gifts.

Yamu dai was always busy kya and he never had tyam to hang out with his sister rey. Ani tyes din pachi, all sisters offered tika to their brothers rey. I have been known to dish out inaccurate information, so don't go around quoting me ni feri .... if you are writing some college paper!

And for those who don't have sisters or brothers, Rani Pokhari is open all day (the only day!) for worship sworship .. but most of us do have bros and sis .... ragat lay naw-bhaye pani maya lay banako ni.

Today, I would like to thank my four sisters for being such wonderful didi bahinis. My eldest sister is in London. Ani thulo didi #2 is with me here in Nepal. Thulo bahini is in the SAARC region (cannot disclose location due to her work as a combat engineer) and my sano bahini is doing her MD in chimeki land.

I want to thank my parents for giving a starting five ko lineup for a basketball game hehe! My father used to run them cross country stuff and play basketball when he was in his 20s.

We all got them same jeans (hehe).... whenever my bahinis are in town, we go to the local basketball court to play and they are very good. I used to be a 3 point specialist tyeti bela.. abuh tuh I even suck when I play them 'Donkey' stuff hehe!

My parents complain that I am the least communicative one... but I am working on it. I now use this great stuff called 'Skype' hehe and do reply to all them 'family' emails.

My parents are now senior citizens and even I am known as 'Uncle' in my neighborhood .... waah... come a long way from 'Ye Pucche' to 'Bro' to 'Dai' to 'Uncle'... hehe!

Anyways, wishing all my sisters happiness and love and hope that I will be the brother they can be proud of... ahiley samma tuh khaas kehi lacchan dekhya chaina.. hehe... but I am getting there hola!

Michael Learns to Rock

2011-10-27T01:01:00.003-10:00

MLTR used to be huge back in the 90s.... Nepal ma! I guess them ODC network folks should bring all them 'Euro-Trash' wallahs every other month. I am probably the last of the Mohicans to listen to all them 'Singaporean' tapes we used to get from them New Road pasals hehe!

Tyeti bela ko band sand bhanya ... WHAM (George Micheal is now busy either pissing bato ma or asking for some favors at them bathrooms hehe!), Modern Talking , A-Ha etiyaadi.. hehe! Bon Jovi used to be huge those days.... then we all discovered them kuires who dressed up in tights and had long hair hola ni.

Harek Duesi Bhailo ma tuh sabai Guns N Roses ko nai geet hoonthyo... taruh final geet chahi feri 'Maya Meri Maya' nai ho kya!

Then came tyo movie... 'Doors' and everybody wanted to look like Jim Morrison. I once went to Bhrikuti Mandap to see this Amriki Band called 'US Band' ... gaye pachi po tha-ha bhayo.. hamro Darjeeling ka dai haroo ko 'Unity of Soul' band po rahecha. But they were pretty good and the only song I remember from that night chahi.. KISS ko 'I was made for loving you' hehe!

Anyways, lets get back to the 'MLTR' story. The concert is on November 19th rey. And if you hurry... you have until tomorrow (Oct 28th) to get them discounts. They have silver, gold, platinum and VVIP tickets rey.

If you are a VVIP then please prepare to pay 10 grand for a ticket. Abuh yo Tundikhel ma soontala ruh badaam naw-kha-yeruh kay MLTR ko bhajan soon-ney bhanya. Anyways, I have no idea who can afford them 10 grand wallah tickets. I can't but I am not going anyway because I don't remember their songs ahiley tuh.

I think if them event wallahs bring 'New Kids on the Block' here in Kathmandu... some kind of a reunion tour thing then all them 90s girls would gladly (or threaten their hubbies to) pay 20 grand to attend hola. Tyeti bela tuh if you were out on a date (tyehi Bakery Cafe ma tuh ho ni) then you would have to tell the girl that NKOTB were really cool or else you wouldn't get the opportunity to hold hands kya.

I think the ODC folks are catering to the 30+ folks... most of them are now managers at them banks or make at least 20K a month ni. I think if they really want to make money and give us all a good tyam then invite Bob Marley ko choro, Ziggy and his band kya.

We do have lot of 'rasta' folks in Kathmandu. Some are 60 and some are in their 20s ni.... tyo chahi babaal hooncha hola hagi! We already have them 'Blues' and 'Jazz' festivals ... abuh why not them 'Reggae' festival ni.

I am not attending them '90s' wallah ko concert anytime soon .... tyeti bela aako bhaye tuh ghar ko VCR nai bechey-ruh gayee-nthyo hola ni... hehe!

Anyways, if you are going then have fun hai but don't forget to follow them event wallah ko terms and conditions ... yes, just like in them 'Bryan' dai ko natak kya.

Here are them conditions hai:

1. Children below 4 feet in height won't be allowed rey. But if you are 30 and only 3ft and 11 inches then what.... is this a freaking roller coaster ride ki kay ho?

2. Pregnant women are also not allowed. Yes, according to them scientists, your hoonay wallah kid should listen to Mozart dai not MLTR hehe.

3.Individuals under the influence of drugs or liquor haroo pani banned rey. So are them event wallahs getting them breathalyzers to test on them folks? Ani drug test ko laagi chai kay.. instant pee-o-meter hola ni?

4. Persons with severe heart or medical condition haroo pani naw-gaye hooncha.... I think them doctors from Norvic will be on standby hola to test everyone if they have some kind of a 'heart' condition.

5. Ani prohibited items chahi: You can't take them recording devices or professional cameras rey. Maybe just get a 'Press' pass from some dailies and kiching all the pictures hehe. And please don't bring weapons hai. This is not a bar and we don't have cowboys in Nepal... so no gunfights please!

And no glass, cans, plastic bottles or food rey. Lau abuh vitrai kinney holan tuh sabai paani, khana etiyaadi. Or just eat tons of dal bhat masoo before you go to the concert. The door opens at 2pm and the show ends around 9pm rey. So don't go hungry feri you will be foolish kya.

And no smoking as well because the event wallahs support 'Nepal Cancer Society' rey... but will them electric ciggies do? I don't know.... but once again them bankers and INGO wallahs will be rocking and will again call me up and say, 'you missed all the fun, dude!'

Goddess of Wealth....

2011-10-26T10:01:00.005-10:00

Today is 'Laxmi Puja' ... Hindus pray to Goddess Laxmi so that they can be wealthy rey. Well, living in Kathmandu will neither make you healthy or wealthy unless you are one of them chor netas, chor byaparis or chor civil servants.

Hami common citizens haroo tuh ... we only get pollution, frustration and inflation lay jahiley pani dhaad nai bhaach-ney kya.

And our country's trade deficit for this year chahi.. around 333 billion Rupees rey. That's like nearly 4+ billion Amriki dollars! I guess Goddess Laxmi has only been kind to our Desi bhais hagi.

Hamro trade deficit with them Desis chahi around 216 billion Rupees... and Dumpling bhais make 45 billion Rupees more from them 'Khasa' jackets and what not .. they sell to us ni.

We now import nearly everything... when it comes to our food kya. Kathmandu ko jagga ma tuh abuh ghar bahek kehi chaina. Even them Terai ko jagga ma plotting slotting eityaadi.

And when we get them 'seeds' from the Amriki company then we will be left with nothing... ani tyeti bela chahi... maybe we will import banners and placards (from China) to protest against them 'seed' wallahs hola ni.

Abuh tuh... we, Kathmanduites should start our own veggie garden, afnai ghar ko chawt maathi.. because our food prices increase every year and soon, we won't be able to afford a kg of tomato for our achar or aloo for some aloo dum.

I think we should all go to Israel and learn how to grow them veggies ... they do it even in them desert rey... abuh hami chahi bato ma nai tamatar pha-laam naw!

We spent like a billion dollars just to buy them fuel suel from India. Everybody has a motorbike now and nearly all middle class folks want to buy a second hand Santro or tyo i10, i20 gaadi saadi hehe!

Abuh electric gaadi, bike chalau bhaney pani batti nai chaina.... I think it's about tyam we all started walking and save our money. We won't be wealthy but at least we will be healthy hola ni.

The Kathmandu District Office has banned them Deusi Bhailo program after 12 am rey. Oh.. thank you guys.... them Dance bars can open till 2am but our youngsters will have to stop playing their baaja by midnight kya.

Deusi Bhailo tuh .. it's only for a few days ni .. while our dance bars continue to disturb the neighborhood and exploit them women and rip off jhallu (mosty jagga dalals and chor) customers who end up paying a thousand rupees for a can of Red Bull rey.

A few months ago, my aunt was in Alka Hospital, Jawlakhel. I went to visit her around 8pm and I could hear all them Dohori songs from a 'Dohori' restaurant nearby.

Well, if you enjoy 'Dohori' then that's fine hola but if you are recovering from a surgery then you don't want to be enjoying them loud music ni.

Khoi... I have no idea how our municipality wallahs think but them dance bars make tons of money and they pay off our cops, civil servants and them dons ni.... ani hami tuh choop chaap basney tuh ho ni!

Anyways, Hope all of you are having fun this Tihar. May Goddess Laxmi be happy with you and may you get the government tender sender this year or get some funds from your mantri or hakim saheb so that you too can buy a second hand gaadi and contribute to our trade deficit with India ... hehe!

Dogs & Crows...

2011-10-25T01:11:00.003-10:00

Today is the festival of dogs ani crows pani (ekai din parecha hagi!).... so hope our 'birdman' Gautam Sapkota did his 'Annual Crow Festival' thing this year as well. I know the birdman very well because I sponsored his 'Crow Festival' for the last two years... hehe!

We did the '2008' one at Balkumari, Lalitpur and then arko choti chai, it was inside Narayanhiti, Ministry of Foreign Affairs vitra. Dhukhur bhai (that's what I call him), is also known as 'Chari Dada' and he had invited Sujata auntie to be the chief guest then.

I really don't like Sujata auntie so instead of sitting with her, I went to the back and enjoyed the 'Crow' show. Gautam bhai really wants to get a certificate from the Guinness people but it's not like them other records where you read for 120 hours or juggle 58 golf balls for 59 seconds etiyaadi.

So it's pretty tough for the Guinness wallahs hola... he tells me that he can do them bird sounds.. tyo pani 150+ rey... hope someday he will be on some Amriki cable channel and gets to hang out with them Kuire celebrities kya and make tons of dollars!

Last year, I was busy with other stuff so we really couldn't find tyam to do the event but this year chahi, I hear some club is helping him with the event!

The man has skills but since he is not affiliated to any political parties, none of our netas are interested to help him kya. Even Sujata auntie doled out millions of Rupees to her chamchas but she gave nothing to our birdman! She promised to help him rey but then she backed out .... I think arko choti chahi he should do some mimicry of Sujata auntie instead!

This year, I have not been well .. health pani wealth pani hehe... so I backed out of sponsoring his event. I feel sorry for him. I should have at least sponsored the flex board or sound system hola. Maybe arko barsa chahi.... I will try to help him with some dineros!

It's easy to get sponsors for dance parties and music festivals and what not. You can always rely either on them 'Surya' or 'Raksi' wallahs to fund your event but finding sponsors for Dhukur Bhai's 'Crow Festival' was always a problem. So I pitched in then ... arko choti chahi... let's all contribute and fund his event hai!

I hear he's got new folks to help him out with the event this year. Hope someday, our birdman will be appreciated for his skills. Right now, he goes to them schools and does his presentation and stuff. That's how he is surviving .... and he once threatened to invite all them crows to our international airport and disrupt them flights hehe!

He also plans to do the 'crow' thing @ BICC ... maybe he should do that when our netas are all walking inside the CA Hall.. maybe ask them crows to shit on our great politicians pani... hehe!

Today is also 'Kukur' puja... tyam to feed your dogs (well) hola ni. A year ago, I adopted a stray dog... couldn't come up with a cool name, so named him 'Brownie' ... but had to put him to sleep because all them medications didn't help him recover. Now, I have another dog, Dorax.. adopted him because the kids from the Tibetan Home had too many dogs and wanted to give him away rey.

I am not into them 'foreign' dogs like most of my friends. A stray or a local will do.... Dorax will be with me for a long tyam... hope so... and I had 'Jackie' for like 10 years before he passed away. I like dogs more than cats or even crows.... and every morning, I talk with Dorax for 5 minutes .. ... he listens very well... but of course he never replies but he only wants me to play with his tummy.. hehe!

Monday Night RAW...

2011-10-24T04:48:00.006-10:00

I am not talking about them World Wrestling ko Monday Night RAW thing ni feri. The last tyam I watched them 'funny wrestling' was back when Andre the Giant was still alive kya.

Our comrade 'Badal' (also lover of our didi, Pampha Bhusal) tells us that our chairman, Prachandoo is actually a RAW agent rey. Yes, we all know that kya. Them desis are not stupid ni... all them tyam, Prachandoo was hiding in India and sleeping with them RAW agents while Gajurel and Baidya were arrested by the Indian Police and enjoyed them roti and sabji at them desi jails kya.

And our Dr. Saheb is greeted with black flags by his own comrades....(well, they happen to belong to a different faction ni). The last tyam them comrades waved them black flags was back when Rakesh Sood was the Indian Ambassador. Sood is now somewhere in France, enjoying them fashion shows, truffles and caviar hola ni.

I think someone needs to tell our communists that they should be waving their red bandanas instead ni.... abuh kalo looga ko pani market khaney bichar cha ki kya ho?

Our netas are never happy. Baburam did try his best to make them Desis happy. He signed them BIPA thing with them Indians. Mr. Bijukhche, the 'King' of Bhaktapur thinks that this trade agreement will now make it easier for them Indian army to come to Nepal rey.

I think our netas know how to protest and that's it. If you are not happy then why not do your protest rallies before Dr. Saheb signed the deal kya?

I think it's about tyam, our netas stopped blaming India for everything. Baroo... if you are so patriotic then invade India ni. Baidya would be the first one in line to start the 'war' hola ni. How come our comrades are not helping our folks who get harassed at the Indian border? Why are our comrades not hanging them human traffickers who sell our sisters to them Indian brothels?

Cha-hiney kura garnoo chaina... jahiley pani nautanki natak garyo, basyo... daka haroo!

Armed Police Force (APF) is 11 today. Happy Birthday to our so-called (army) police. They were quite disciplined before but since they started guarding our borders and them foreign embassies.. they have slowly become like our 'Nepal' Police kyaaruh.

Our APF wallahs have now learned them tricks kya. They harass our own people at them borders and ask for chiya kharcha etiyaadi. And the ones guarding them embassies and INGOs need to understand that this is our country and we have the right to stop and stare at them big walls of them foreign embassies.

You don't have the right to blow your whistles and threaten us with bodily harm if we like to chat with a friend in front of them embassy gates ni. Hami lay kawr tirey ko paisa lay taw-lab khaney ani hami lai nai thok-nay .. kya mazza hagi.

APF ko kura garda.. I still remember the former IGP, Krishna Mohan Shrestha and his wife who were gunned down by our Mao-buddies. I hope someday Prachandoo uncle will apologize to the late IGP's daughters. How come none of them so-called netas were hurt during them "People's War" kya?

If the Mao-buddies were so anti-monarchy then why is Gyanu uncle still getting them free security and fuel and what not? If our comrades were so 'desh-bhakta' then why are they making deals with the Desis ni?

Yestai ho ... rajniti bhanchan.... baroo I think we can do without our politicians... baroo let's send a thousand people to get some 'referee training' from FIFA and every time somebody commits a crime, be it murder or ghoos-khaa-ying then he or she can show them red cards and ban them for not a game but for a decade ni...

Sabai chor haroo lai desh nee-kaa-laa gardim naw... ki kaso? I think we have almost seen it all. We have seen the raja-badis, the so-called prajantantra-badis and the mao-badis... but all of them were kha-o-badis... now we need someone who is on a diet hola ni!

Tihar is here...

2011-10-24T00:09:00.000-10:00

Abuh feri Tihar soo-roo... I like Tihar more than Dashain ... I think we all do hagi! Baburam dai is back from India. He got all emotional @ JNU rey. Yes, I feel the same whenever I go back to my school.

If Baburam hadn't gone to JNU then he would just be another professor and maybe would have designed a few buildings here and there hola. JNU is like .. I don't know UC Berkeley (in the 60s) hola ni.

Comrade chairman promised us that he would get everybody to follow his 'final' plan after Dashain... abuh Tihar nai ayee-sakyo. Now, we will have to wait another week while we feed our cows, crows, dogs and then the Goddess of wealth and not to forget Bhai Tika!

I hope our neta haroo ko sisters will ask their brothers to do the right thing instead of screwing us over and over again kya. Baroo tyee didi bahini haroo lay bhai tika nai boycott gawr-dey kaso hola? Ani yeso koo-cho lay pani tha-ta-ye hoon-thyo ni tyee chor neta dai bhai haroo lai?

I will be in Pokhara ... and I might not post daily... the 'daily' ritual has already been broken ... hehe! From November onwards, I plan to write what you want me to write... hehe!

Bhanna khojya chai... if somebody wants me to write about the best momo in town or anything , be it religion, samosas, Prachandoo's mustache etc then please use the comment section below!

Give me a topic and I will try to write something about it. I will start this thing from November... so if you are the first one reading this, then you can write 'November 1st: How to walk from Thamel to Indrachowk in less than 2 minutes' etc... hehe.. then the arko saathi or saathi-ni can send me a topic for November 2nd and so on hai.

Yes, this is a new bet thing going on with my friend feri.... I will do this until December end and let's see what happens after that hai.

And hamro Nepal Army is sending a bunch of their folks to Iraq. NA has been doing this 'UN peacekeeping' stuff since 1958 and we have like thousands of soldiers around the world trying to bring peace to them war-zones.

They get paid like 1,000 dollars a month or something ani tyo pani, army ko welfare fund lay 20-22% kaat-cha. And our army generals get to enjoy and so do their wives kya... tyehi welfare fund ko paisa yeta otta gardai...

My 'Major' friends make like 15,000 Rupees a month. Abuh tyo paisa lay kay khaney ho Kathmandu ma? So if they do get to go to them UN peacekeeping missions for a year or two then they bring home 10-15 lakhs. Some buy a second-hand Santro, some buy 3-4 anna jagga in the outskirts of the valley etiyaadi.

I think we should send the whole 'PLA' folks to some peacekeeping mission somewhere in the world. They can play 'soldier' and make 10-15 lakhs instead of using our money or asking bideshis to pitch in for their 'goodbye' package ni.

I sometimes feel sorry for our security personnel. Them generals and DIGs enjoy life like our Shree Tins and use them soldiers as their personal slaves. Our politicians use our security personnel the same way and it's about tyam, Baburam dai looked into this and seriously reform the police service kya.

What about the army? Well, the bo-lai kho-wai is pretty good in the army. Everybody speaks like 'Rana' cousins... hehe! But like every other institutions, maathi tuh politics bhayee halcha ni.

Baburam dai, I am too lazy to send you an email but please come up with 'Mind Your Language' for our cops hai. Why are them men in blue swearing like sailors (we don't have a navy ni) and who gives them the right to harass, torture and abuse us kya?

Baburam dai will win our hearts and minds if he comes out with a 'code of conduct' for our police-wallahs as well. Ministers haroo tuh dekhi halyo ni... they still run around Kathmandu, blazing hem sirens and what not. Abuh police wallah ko taal pani tyehi tuh hola ni... even if someone comes out with them new rules and regulations kya.

Or maybe we can send our police-wallahs back to school or maybe ask our army wallahs to teach them how to speak. I really don't like the 'Khai-see-wos, Laagai-see-wos' language but it's better to hear them cops say, 'Tapai bike batuh jhaari-see-wos' rather than 'Saaley, *** ko choro, bike batuh jhar gadha kukoor' hoinuh ruh?

My friends tell me that I am wrong but I still think that if it weren't for them police brutalities ... not many folks would have joined our Mao-buddies during them "People's War" kya. Our police-wallahs haven't changed a bit in the last 20 years!

Them constables are now hawal-daars hola but how come the 'new' ones act and behave the same kya? Or is Nepal Police only hiring 'chors' and folks who were never taught to act and speak like 'civilized' human beings?

Lau .. Aja lai yeti nai... jado soo-roo bhayo... raati chahi jacket sacket lagai yeruh hid-noo hola... or hidi-see-wos.. hehe!

Gaddafi is dead.....

2011-10-22T01:30:00.002-10:00

Gaddafi should have taken my advice hola... if he had only moved to Milan and opened a fashion boutique or something then he would still be alive today ni. Lau... Gaddafi is finally dead ... and we have lost one of the world's most outlandish dictator ever..

Ronnie dai (tyeti bela ko Amriki President) did try to kill him once.... Gaddafi was lucky then but finally, after 42 years of designing his own dresses and editing his 'Green Book', the great self-proclaimed chess grandmaster is dead.

The Chinese have like 20 something billion dollars invested in Libya and they are calling for an 'inclusive' transition rey. Yes, the Chinese are very inclusive kya.... we have seen how they treat their minorities ni. But like everyone else... they do want a piece of the pie because now it will be the Euro-trash and Amriki cowboys making billions ni.

Them Amrikis and their Euro-trash friends made deals with Saddam ... ani pachi they got rid of him. Obama will pull out all them Amriki soldiers from Iraq by the end of this year rey. But Iraq ruh Afghanistan ma arko 10-20 barsa tyestai daang doong nai hoonay ho kya.

The problem with them countries chahi.... tyehi tribal leaders, war lords ruling their own little kingdoms ni... ani Amriki democracy won't work there ki kaso.

Libya has them oil soil.... so does Iraq and Afghanistan ma tuh khoi... opium bahek kay paucha tha-ha bhayenuh malai! But when you have been ruled by jackasses for so long .... it's pretty difficult to change overnight ni.

We had 100+ years of 'Rana' party and our netas are still acting like Ranas kya. Nothing against my 'Rana' friends... but it's been 60+ years and we still have the 'Hukumi Saa-Shun' ni... even our Mao-buddies turned out to be jhan daka than the previous clowns kya.

Now, them Amriki analysts tell us that Syria ko paalo rey. Khoi... Gaddafi became a friend of the Amrikis when he decided to abandon his 'Nukie' plans... and his infatuation with Condi didi and his love letter to Obama didn't help hagi.

So the moral of the story is .... just because you shook hands with the Amriki doesn't mean he's going to invest in your gau ko jagga. Even if he does then he will probably buy your so-called organic stuff for 10 cents and then make 10 dollars from it kya...hehe!

Amrika is a great country but them foreign policies natak chahi... it's all about their national interest rey.... so they will help you fight their so-called enemies or give them your oil soil but when you are in the hot seat then they will turn their back and then you get shot in the head!

Yes, Saddam, Gaddafi and even Mubarak.... them jackasses ruled their countries like them kings, who once ruled in them places... but they forgot to leave before it was too late hola. Mubarak is smoking hookah but poor Saddam and Gaddafi... one was arrested in his undies, chomping on Mars and drinking 7up kyaaruh and then he got hanged.... ani our fashion designer chahi.... he didn't even have time to clean up .... he got shot in the head before he could go on a rant!

Them Libyans (well most of them) are happy... we too were happy when we got rid of the 'Rana Saashun', when we got rid of 'Panchey Baja' and when we became a 'Republic' .... abuh tuh, all we need is them Prozac hola ni.

Baburam dai is busy, chatting and eating chaat saat hola. And Prachandoo dada is now in Nagarkot. I think Nepal Tourism Board (NTB) should ask our comrade chairman to write about his visits to them resorts here and there kya. And them tourists can visit them places.. maybe all them resorts should market them rooms ni... like ... 'the chairman slept here' or something like that!

Free Desi Deals?

2011-10-21T18:00:00.001-10:00

Published today ...The Week/Republica

Dr Saheb is on his official trip to India. He knows Delhi very well and has friends there from his university days. And he also spent many years there as an NRN during his stint as an ‘underground’ guerilla ni.

Delhi has changed a lot since Dr Saheb and his better half were dating kya. I hope Dr Saheb will get to visit the new airport, ride on a metro and also check out the Delhi public buses and maybe he can bring some changes here in the Valley when he gets back.

I sometimes feel sorry for him. Wouldn’t it be better if we had the local elections so we could have our own mayors and mayor-nis to solve our local problems than the PM spending his valuable time figuring out how to solve the traffic problems of the Valley?

For the first time in history, we have a PM who can match the educational credentials of his Desi counterpart. Both have PhDs and they can always talk about their dissertations if they run out of guffs ni.

It has become a tradition for a PM of Nepal to get invited by the Desi PM to have samosa and tea at 7 Race Course Road, Delhi. And our PMs normally make their first official foreign trip to India as well.

Comrade Chairman made history when he broke the protocol and instead went off to China to watch the closing ceremony of the Beijing Olympics. Most of us have been to Delhi but not to the Olympics ni. So he probably gets to brag about it hola.

Jhallu Baba didn’t get the invite to hang out in Delhi. He must still be mad at them Desis. Yes, the Indians can act petty but I guess they just returned the “snubbing” favor.

So a word of advice to our politicians: if you’re always asking your neighbors for favors, then it’s better not to badmouth them, or try to play one against the other kya.

Since we all know how to flatter and grease the palms, why not use our “national” skills when it comes to foreign diplomacy kya? Our big neighbors do have big egos and if we want good deals, then we better boost their egos ni.

We just have to praise them and tell them repeatedly how big and mighty they are. Everybody likes compliment ni, hoina ra?

We hear that the Desis plan to shower Dr Saheb with gifts. No, I’m not talking about personal gifts because our Dr. Saheb doesn’t care if you wear a Zara or a Dora kya.

If we can get the Indians to give us some free electricity, then maybe we can spend more quality time with our families, watching the Desi family TV serials this winter.

Our Army Chief gets to be the “Honorary” General of the Indian Army, and vice versa. How come we can’t have something similar for our PMs as well? Wouldn’t it be cool? Our former Chief Sahebs get free golf passes at the Indian Army clubs hola and maybe our PMs will get to crash at their PM’s residence once in a while ni.

And hope the Desi border guards will stop harassing our folks at the border once they get a call from their “Honorary” PM in Kathmandu.

Dr Saheb is expected to ask the Desis for a billion-dollar loan. Maybe he should’ve visited Dhaka and asked the Bangladeshis how they managed to get a better deal from them Desis?

Talking about loans, our “Dons” seem to be loaded. Parshuram Basnet, the Khalasi-turned-Don in Biratnagar is yet to be arrested but now his bank accounts have been frozen rey.

According to our media, Basnet made like 800 million Rupees in the last five years. If we can only get our top 100 dons to kindly donate (Maoist lingo would be: voluntarily or transfer) their ill-gotten wealth, then we wouldn’t have to ask the bideshis for loans hagi?

Basnet owns ek karod ko gaadi, dui karod ko ghar and even gifted his supporters 200 motorbikes rey. I think our journalists have confused him with Rajnikanth. Rajnikanth has fans. Basnet has his hoodlums ni.

Every year, we import like Rs 750 million ko Chinese apples from Khasa while our farmers in Jumla are dumping theirs because they can’t afford the helicopter charter flights to sell their stuff in the Valley ni.

Maybe Basnet can turn his life around like our CA member, Baban Dai. He can buy us all a bag of Chinese apples and he will still have 50 million Rupees left in the bank.

Then what? Well, he’s already a “yuva neta” and now it’s about tyam he moved into the big leagues and followed the footsteps of many great dons who have managed to cross over to the great game of politics.

Chinese Apples...

2011-10-16T17:09:00.001-10:00

According to them latest figures from our Tataopani Customs Office, we imported like 170 million Rupees ko Chinese apples for Dashain rey. I guess a lot of folks are eating apples instead of kashi ko masoo hola ni.

An apple a day keeps a doctor away bhanchan kyaaruh.... but I would rather buy them Jumla ko apples ni taruh kay garney.... our farmers in Jumla are throwing away their apples kinnuh bhaney bato ghato nai chaina ani kay helicopter charter garey ruh Kathmandu ma apple bech-nay?

Our netas and sarkaari hakims need to learn a thing or two from them Chindia hola.... first let us save our farmers kya. Yeso bato sato banai dim naw..... why are we sending billions of Rupees to our dosa & dumpling brothers. It's not only apples... we import nearly everything and even masoo nai barsa ma 15-20 billion Rupees ko tuh hami desi bhai lai tir-chau!

Yestai ho .... Naya Nepal ma... harek barsa we spend like Rs 750 million for them Chinese apples rey and every year, our government would rather help them fertilizer dealers and bideshi agricultural companies than our own farmers.

Yes, we have all heard of them Amrikan company pushing for their seeds weeds here in Nepal. Let us not blame them Amrikans.... they are capitalists and if one of their companies want to make money here then the Amrikan Embassy will help them ni.

But I think it's tyam we do some kind of a protest rally against 'Monsanto' ... baroo we tell them Amrikans 'No Monsanto.... baroo send us Lady Gaga' or something like that... hehe! Abuh NepalUnites should do a rally in front of the Amrikan Embassy kya. Hami pani support garoom-laa... baroo let's have a 'Lady Gaga' concert in Rangasala paid for by the Amriki People (USAID!) ki kaso?

Ani hamro government chahi.... we only talk about them unfair treaties with India and what not but when it comes to our products, our netas really don't care if our farmers go hungry, or them byaparis get hassled by them custom wallahs in India kya.

Let us not blame them Desis for everything kya. Yestai taal ho bhaney tuh, we will probably be buying drinking water from India or China someday .... hehe!

And Parshuram, the former bus conductor turned 'Don' is in the news again. His bank accounts have been frozen rey. Finally, our cops have followed the Amriki formula to get them criminals hola. You can't arrest them goondas because all of them seem to be protected by our great netas... but you can get them for money laundering and other nataks ni.

Al Capone got busted for tax evasion back in them days .... maybe we can get not only mundrey goondas but all of our netas as well if our Department of Money Laundering Investigation (there is one!) really gets their act together ni.

Parshuram Basnet is still hiding somewhere.... our sources tell us he is eating chicken chilly in Kathmandu but he is yet to be arrested and we all know why ... our netas like him a lot and our cops can't arrest him or else they might be transferred to Dolpa, Rolpa etiyaadi.

Basnet made like Rs 800 million in the last five years rey. What? That's like 80 croroes Rupees... ten million dollars! Abuh kay ko Amrikan Dream ni... Nepal ma yetti ka paisa kamau-ney rahecha... maybe the Gambino family in Queens should apply for a Nepali Green Card hola ... hehe!

So if you are a criminal and want to make billions then join a youth group of some political party. Youth Force and YCL seem to be the top two football clubs ... hehe! But if you are in Terai then even the Forum Wallahs have good players as well!

Basnet even gave like 200 bikes to his supporters rey. What's wrong with our media-wallahs? They are not his supporters (he is not Rajnikanth!).... baroo, it's more like his cronies and chamchas kya. If you want to be a don then you better have 100-200 mundrey goondas at your side ni.

He has houses worth crores in Biratnagar and investments in hoarding board factory, mosquito net factory etiyaadi rey. Basnet may have started out as a Khalasi but he is a pretty smart guy hagi. You can't go wrong with them mosquito nets kya.

And our government will request them Desi bhais to increase their annual aid to Nepal rey... ani they also plan to ask for a loan of US$ 250 million rey. I think our netas should take a course on diplomacy or maybe ask them Bangladeshis kya. The Banglas got like a billion dollar ko loan from the Desis... maybe Baburam dai should visit Dhaka and have a fish curry before he heads to Delhi kya.

Ki chai... instead of asking bideshis for loan soan... why not ask our own loan sharks (Dons) instead hoinuh ruh? Parshuram alone is worth ten million dollars and we have other Dons like Ganesh dai, Milan dai, Deepak dai etiyaadi.... so if we can get like top 100 Dons to pitch in then our government should be able to build a highway in Jumla kya.

And if Parshuram Basnet really wants to change his ways like our CA member, Baban Singh ... then he should just sell his holdings and buy them Chinese apples for all of us hola. And he will still have like 50 million Rupees left .. hehe! Ani tyo paisa lay arko choo-naab (election) ma afai uth-nay ni... goonda batuh neta banney ni... kun chai naulo kura ho ruh?

Highway Accidents...

2011-10-16T00:59:00.004-10:00

Our thoughts and prayers go out to the victims and their families of the recent bus accident in Sindhuli. 41 folks died when them bus plunged down the cliff and 15 other injured rey. It's really sad news hagi.

Every year, hundreds of folks are killed due to them bus drivers driving like crazy and I have yet to understand ... why are them drivers in such a hurry? Ek jana ko natak lay kati jana marnoo parney ni?

During the Dashain tyam, our traffic wallahs let them bus companies pack folks like sardines inside, and more folks even on the roof and when accidents like this happen then it should wake up our government and even the bus-wallahs kya.

But them bus-wallahs either pay off them victims' families and the government just doesn't care because them transport companies are big donors to our political parties nai. And even if the sarkari hakim instructs his fellow workers to monitor them vehicles, them union wallahs act like they own them highways kya.

Our netas don't care.... they don't really use them buses to travel to their gaun saun ni. They either ask some ministry to send them a vehicle or call up them airlines (tyo pani last minute ma) and demand a seat kya.

Abuh tuh we have to hold them bus companies responsible and they should hire professional drivers and ask them to be more careful kya. If the driver saheb wants to find out if the bus can really fly over the cliff then he should try it out when he is alone in the vehicle ni.

There were several signs bato ma.. warning them bus-wallahs not to carry passengers over their capacity and not to speed like crazy but I guess either our bus drivers really can't read them signs (then at least make it mandatory for them to memorize them signs and take a test if they want to get them license ni!) or if they speed like crazy then they should be fined ek barsa ko taw-lob nai.

The reason our business-wallahs don't give a damn about them consumers ... chahi ... our fines and stuff ati nai kamti kya. Yo 'New' Nepal ma .... we still have them laws from the 'Old' Nepal and no one is interested to increase them fine sine... baroo let's introduce caning and badi fine like Singapore ni.

Desh lai tuh Singapore banau-naw sakey nuh taruh at least Singapore jastai euta Durian MRT ma khayo bhaney 5,000 dollar fine bhanya jastai, sadeko Gudpak bechnay lai Rs 250,000 hajar fine (tyo pani per packet) garey hooncha ni.

If you sell adulterated stuff... kati nai fine cha... 5,000 - 10,000 Rupees... that's like a pocket change for a guy who has sold a million packets of (adulterated milk) and made crores ni... hoinuh ruh?

And our Kangaroos (Nepali Congress) has demanded that the government investigate and provide relief to them victims' families rey. Ani our PM, Dr. Saheb has also directed them ministry-wallahs to investigate the cause of the accident rey.

Yes, we have all kinds of commission to investigate everything from them highway accidents, Sudan scam, plane crashed and what not..... and at the end of the day..... we forget them report seport and don't even follow the suggestions given by them experts.

We do have them crazy roads but if only our drivers maintained the speed limit then we could prevent a lot of them accidents ni. Even them accidents in the valley where them big buses hit them pedestrians ..... the main reason is over-speeding and trying to overtake and race with the other driver ni.

So just making them bus companies pay compensation to them victims' families and letting them drivers go home and drive another day will not really solve them problems.

And I don't know who really came up with this idea of burning any vehicle that gets into an accident kya... how did we turn into wild animals? Nepal ma chahi khoi kay taal ko natak ho... the bigger vehicle is always to blame even if the other 'sano' vehicle was at fault kya.

So if a truck hits a micro then truck ko fault, if the micro hits a motorcycle then micro ko fault rey... you get the idea ni.... and even when we have them fuel shortages, there will be one jackass who has a jerkin of petrol ready just in case there is an accident and he wants to burn a vehicle kya.

And how come our traffic wallahs don't even want to investigate but instead ask both parties to find a solution and come back to the police station to sign them agreement etiyaadi?

Maybe our traffic wallahs should ask our netas to do the same hagi... instead of just wasting our time and money with this CA natak... why don't these buffoons all go to Rolpa for a month or two (trekking pani hoonay, camping pani!) and come back when they have figured out everything that needs to be written in them constitution kya!

Not Right Now…. (NRN)

2011-10-14T14:29:00.005-10:00

India has Anna Hazare. And we have Baban Singh, our ‘honest’ CA member, who started his ‘fast-unto-death’ natak against corruption in his home district. The fasting began on Monday and it lasted 48 hours. Baban dai could neither stay hungry nor stay foolish hola. It’s hard to forgo a plate of chicken chilly ni.

Our man was once in the ‘most wanted list’ of Nepal Police but they forgot to check his ID when he went to the CA Hall to take his oath. I have no idea what happened to them criminal cases pending against him but he would certainly be a very good case study for them Amriki political consultants hola.

How does one win an election without a single public appearance? I don’t know but my neighborhood political analyst (the local chiya pasal sahuji) tells me that you need bullets and bundles (of cash) to win the ballot rey.

But Baban dai is now a changed man. He is really inspired by Anna and now believes in non-violence which means he is less likely to win another election in the near future even if he makes hundreds of appearances in his district.

The Election commission might have to make changes to the eligibility requirements for people who want to stand up for an election. How about adding something like, ‘people without police cases registered against them or not under criminal investigation will not be allowed to contest an election’ kya.

And in our ‘new’ Nepal, folks accused of murder and other criminal acts seem to have more supporters than our national football team. We have rallies and bandhs in support of the accused while the victim’s family is pressured into accepting financial compensation to forgive and forget. If this is the new trend then hopefully, our prisons might be less crowded in the days to come.

Our President was in Qatar and hope he enjoyed the hospitality showered upon him by the Emirs. Instead of just asking them bideshis to visit Nepal and invest, why not ask the Qataris to help out our national carrier?

Qatar Airways is now one the fastest growing airlines in the world. And our Nepal Airlines Corporation (NAC) will probably be without even that ‘one’ functional plane if it keeps on canceling its flights every other week. Maybe we can save NAC if we sell half of it to private investors or if our sarkari hakims are not willing to do that then we can ask the Qataris to give us a few planes as a gift to commemorate the visit by our President ni.

The NRNs are here. Dr. Saheb kicked off the 5^th NRN Global Conference by requesting our NRNs to invest more in Nepal and utilize their skills. Yes, we need more scientists and geeks to contribute kya instead of just the usual, ‘restaurant-travel-handicraft’ sahujis who have settled in them foreign lands.

If we can have the guy who may have found water on Mars to come back and do some research here then who knows, maybe we will find oil in Mustang. If we can ask the ‘TB’ research wallah to take a sabbatical in Nepal then maybe we will be able to find an effective cure for the ‘corruption virus’ plaguing our nation hola.

And our government plans to announce 2012 as ‘Nepal Investment Year’ and maybe we can ask a million NRNs to invest a chunk of their pay check here in Nepal ni. Like Help Nepal’s a dollar a month for charity, we can take it a step further and ask our NRNs to invest their month’s salary.

I think we could be able to raise a few billion dollars hagi and then we pray and hope that our trade unions, civil servants and politicians will not ask for some chiya kharcha to create a favorable investment environment.

It’s not only the NRNs, even we, the ‘Nepal mai Residing Nepalis’ do want to invest in our own country ni. But our netas and the sarkari hakims have failed to win our trust. Either our NRNs are naïve to even want to invest here or maybe they just want to have a party in town every two years and hobnob with our so-called ‘thulo mancheys’ and impress their Facebook friends hola ni.

And what’s up with our NRNs asking our ‘poor’ government for some funding to help them organize the global conference? This one would probably top Mr. Singh’s fasting natak as the joke of the week nai hola.

Our ‘poor’ government can’t even provide basic necessities to its citizens unless you are in some ways affiliated to the whoever is in power ni. Then, you can get free money, fuel and all the perks that come with being a chamcha, cadre or a cousin of the honorable politician kya.

Published today ...The Week/Republica

Magic Tricks

2011-10-13T22:34:00.006-10:00

Our comrade chairman, Prachandoo sure does know about sacrifice and stuff. He even has Elton John's 'Sacrifice' on his iPod rey kya. Anyways, Prachandoo sarkar never fails to remind us that he really did sacrifice (what?) or was it more of a 'you take the job' and I will stab you in the back ni.

Prachandoo became our first 'Republic' ko Prime-Monster and he resigned because he didn't know what he was doing. Yes, he blamed it on them Army general but I think he was just scared that things were going nowhere and his cadres would blame him for all them nataks.

If Prachandoo was really into it and wanted to wrap things up then we wouldn't have two buffoons from the UML as our Prime-Monsters ni. Makune became our official ribbon cutter and so did the 'Slapped' one. And what did they accomplish? Nothing!

Well, they got them free 'SUVs', free fuel and security and bhatta and will continue to waste our money by getting state benefits for the rest of their lives. We have had four team captains so far and none of them seem to have the courage and determination to move things forward.

Poor Baburam.... he may be an honest geek but he and his chums have made the deal with the Forum wallahs and our Madeshi leaders are on a 'ghoos-khaaney' rampage. None of our politicians seem to be interested to write the constitution.... for them, it's all about the money kya.

And Prachandoo sarkar is now going around them places and talking about 'black' magic... hehe! He tells us that nominating Dr. Saheb as our Prime Minister was like a magic act. And the comrades have been doing magic and will continue to do that rey.

So, we have been lied to ... all this tyam ki kya ho? If our comrades think all this nataks are some magic tricks then @#$!... we are not really impressed, are we?

Time is running out... we have like a month and why aren't our CA members worried kya? It's like these clowns really don't care... and hami pani tyestai.... baal matlab hagi!

Baburam dai wil be visiting India soon. Hope he will have fun with his JNU pals and of course meet them Desi netas and neti-nis. Then he will probably go to China and teach them Chinese comrades a class or two about 'Mao' hola ni... hehe!

Anyways, if Prachandoo sarkar thinks he is a magician then he should join a Desi circus troupe or something. Yes, he did trick them Desis to give him shelter and what not ... during his 'NRN' days.. hehe! He did trick them UNMIN wallahs.... and he even bragged about inflating them 'combatant' numbers to his cadres and was enjoying his own jokes.

I think Prachandoo would make a great stand up comedian. He is telling us the jokes but none of us find it funny but where are the hecklers? Well, he has promised not to shoot anyone. He didn't shoot Baburam ... that's what he said.. so don't be afraid to heckle .... and if we don't start now .... it will be too late kya!

NRN Global Conference...

2011-10-13T00:50:00.002-10:00

The NRNs (Non-Resident Nepalis) are here and Baburam dai decided to cut them ribbon sibbon and lighted some fire to inaugurate them 5th NRN Global Conference.

Dr. Saheb requested them NRNs to invest some dough here in Nepal and use their skills they have learned in them foreign lands.

Dr. Saheb also told them NRNs that the government wants foreign investment and he would do everything possible to make sure that their investment is safe etiyaadi. I guess he forgot to tell them about the unions hehe!

The NRNs want dual citizenship kyaaruh. So far our government is just interested to give them some ID and they can buy them jagga sagga, ghar shar rey. Everything is for sale here in Nepal.. so if you want your nagarikta back then just give your jilla ko CDO a big khasi (of course better stuff it with dollars or Euros hehe!).

The NRNs will also elect their president and like every other Nepali organizations, tyeha pani politics, khutta-taaning hooncha kya. Dr. Upendra Mahato is like the face of NRNA (NRN ko association) ... he is probably the only bloke who had the brains to make deals with them Russian byaparis.

I don't think one can make bilions of Rupees just by selling them radios and TVs like Upendra dai did in them former Soviet Union... but I may be wrong, maybe he sold a million of them hola ni.

Upendra dai now has his dough in them banks, hospitals , telecom and what not... I hear he also did dole out crores to our political parties rey. He was planning to build a medical college in Nakkhu and bought like hundreds or ropanis of land kyaaruh.

I have no idea what happened but I guess he doesn't want a medical school there anymore. But if you need some loans then head to Sanima bank or Standard Finance. If you want to get a surgery then head to Medicare hospital hola. This man has investment everywhere hagi. If you use Ncell then he also gets a paisa for every call kya.

And he must have given a gift or something to the local VDC secretary because uha ko ghar janey bato ko naam nai 'Mahato Marg' ... yes, if you drive up from Nakkhu and make a right then you will get to Mahato Marg hehe!

Anyways, hope the NRN conference will be a success but it's tyam someone came up with a NRN fund and asked our brothers and sisters working in foreign lands to invest some dinar and riyals in it.

I am not talking about a bunch of restauranteurs in UK or Japan kya.. but if we can get our 2 million folks working in them Arab and ASEAN countries and another 500,000 in Amrika, Europe ruh aroo desh haroo.. to invest like 10 dollars (800 Rupees) a month then in a year's time, they will have a quarter billion dollar to invest in some real big projects ni.

And talking about skills, yes opening the restaurants and running it is pretty tough but how come we are not getting them scientists and really geeky folks to contribute kya. Well, the guy who found an alien in Mars (or was it water?) will not get a job here unless he can find oil in Mustang or something hehe.

The guy who is doing his research in TB won't be asked to come here and help because the health mantri might ask him a few lakhs if he wants a government job. Our government can't even provide basic necessities to the people here.

Murderers don't go to jail.. they do chakka jaams and protest rallies instead and walk around like they just scored the game-winning goal in the World Cup or something. So why do our NRNs think that our netas and sarkaari hakims will really help them to find good investment opportunities here in Nepal?

I think instead of asking our government for some cash to organize their global conference and wasting money on all them nataks ... baroo ask every NRNs to invest in some NRN fund , ani tyo paisa lay chahi baroo hydro sydro, bato sato , airport sairport etiyaadi banau-nuh ma kharcha garey hooncha ni.

We should all be proud of our folks who went to them foreign lands and made it there. But they also have to understand that Nepal hasn't changed a bit. We still run on Nepali tyam, our netas and civil servants only want commissions.

Our trade unions want some pocket kharcha or else they will close down your factory and we don't have paani, batti, bato ghato .... maybe Upendra Mahato should ask his 'foreign friends' to invest in a paani company, ek dui wata naya highway and 10,000 MW ko hydroproject ni.

We won't mind drinking 'Mahato' bottled water (as long as it's safe to drink!) , we will probably enjoy driving 100 miles per hour on 'Mahato Highway' and maybe can travel from Kodari to KakarBhitta in less than seven hours and if we can get 24 hrs electricty then we will even change them words in our Nepali dictionary kya.

Yes, instead of saying 'Batti Ayo' whenever we get them batti... we will say, 'Mahato Ayo' ... or something like that... hehe!