Friday, February 24, 2012

Another One Bites The Dust...

This year, the government forgot to celebrate Democracy Day. Dr. Saheb doesn’t think much about the Ranas. Our Comrades seem to have a beef with the Shahs, and all the Valley residents who got their ghar-naksa passed by corrupt Municipality wallahs.

We still have Jungay Dai and his horse staring at us in Tundikhel. Maybe it would be better if we had the new Emperor’s statue, hagi? Instead of a horse, we can have him on top of a SUV.

We have Juddha Dai’s bhauju welcoming us at our national zoo. Maybe we should replace it with a bust of our first lady, ki kaso? Instead of being decked in pearls and what not, we can have a bicycle by her side. She used to be one hell of a biker when she was teaching our engineering students back in the old days, kya!

We still have Bir Hospital. How about ‘Bir Sahid’ Hospital instead? And what about Tri-Chandra College? Yes, let’s get rid of the Shah-Rana combo platter.

How about Mohan Baidya College? Maybe that would at least pacify our radical Rambo for some time.

The folks who got hanged by the Ranas are the real martyrs. I don’t think their families received any financial compensation after the ruling Ranas decided to shift to India.

We celebrate Democracy Day because we got rid of the 100+ years of looting, booting and shooting by the Shree Tins. But then we let the Shree Paanchs have some fun for some time, didn’t we?

Now we have thousands of little princes, enjoying the ride. If you’re a political cadre, then you don’t have to buy a life insurance.

When your time’s up, you just have to be lucky enough to be in jail or in the middle of a highway. Then you’ll be declared a martyr and your loved ones will get a million Rupees from the state.

When it reaches your loved ones, it might be a paltry thousand because everybody from the central to the district to the local levels will try to get a cut of the dough.

Dr. Saheb believes that the real democracy came only after our CA wallahs decided to declare our country a republic. Well, so far, it’s been more of a ‘rip-off-the-public,’ hoina ra?

We got rid of the Shree Tins so our Shree Panchs would have some fun. We got rid of the Shree Panchs and now our politicians are having all the fun. Maybe, we should all get together and take to the streets again to get rid of our Shree Aaths.

We really need our Ama Samuhas to run our villages, cities and even the country. If we have grandmothers running the show, then they would probably tackle the cooking gas issue first rather than worry about the Valley’s roads.

They would probably send all the men to dig them tunnels and we can finally get some water from Melamchi. It’s about time our grandmothers, mothers, and sisters stood up and beat the ghoos-khoris with their gaagris, panyus, laptops and iPhones pani.

Our politicians are corrupt. We all know that and finally we have an incumbent minister guilty on corruption charges. Dillibazaar Prison could be the new ‘hot’ spot to hang out if the CIAA speeds up its investigation and our justices can hand out the verdicts as fast as our traffic wallahs hand us them so-called chits.

We now have three former ministers in Dillibazaar. I think they can now start a coaching class on how to be a neta to all the mundrey gundas and kidnappers holed up in the same prison. They could pay their fines from the tuition fees collected from their fellow prisoners, ni.

The bonus class for the semester can be ‘We got caught but you don’t have to.’ Mr. Wagle can teach a class on ‘how not to transfer your ill-gotten moolah to your son’s name.’

Shyam Sundar Gupta can teach a class on ‘why you shouldn’t fund your son’s wedding by kidnapping a businessman’ and JP Gupta can teach a class or two on media hola ni. Or he can start a new newspaper from prison – ‘the convict’ or something.

And let us thank our traffic police wallahs once again for trying to grab pedestrians from the Ratnaparak area as they try to sprint to the other side by dodging micros, bikes and what not.

Yes, we have the overhead bridges but most of our folks would rather get a full frontal view of the incoming traffic than watch the traffic jam from them bridges, kya. So if you get caught jaywalking, you will be fined Rs 50 rey, and if you don’t have the dough, then you get to spend two hours with our men in blue.

I think we can all make that two hours more productive if we all have our notes on ‘how to reform our police service’ handy.

Friday, February 17, 2012

All Police Chors? (APCs)

Finally, we have a verdict from our Supreme Court and our three amigos will be spending time in our jails learning to make some paper bags. I think they should also learn a new trade like plumbing or painting and stuff because they would be without dozens of police ‘slaves’ working for them in their homes when they come out of prison .

Hope someday, they will also come up with a report on how to reform our prisons as well. It really helps when you have insider information hoinuh ruh? In some ways, we have to feel sorry for our former IGPs. They couldn’t have really bought them faulty Armed Personnel Carriers (APCs) without making our former Home Ministers happy. Now, our homies are at their mansions, while our amigos will spend some quality time away from home.

But not to worry, a former IGP who spent some time in jail during the Panchey days is now heading the Nepal Ex. Police Association. Once our three amigos are out of prison, maybe they will get to be co-chairpersons of the association as well. I think they should make that a prerequisite hagi.

The other 31 police officers have been acquitted of all charges. The juniors will fit right in as if nothing happened but it would be tough for our AIGs. We will now have 10 AIGs instead of 8. Many years ago, we used to have two but they kept on adding more so that our political parties could get their ‘man’ wear an extra phooli!

One of the AIGs is our former Kollywood Hero. He still looks good enough to star in them movies and the other one is an honest cop who knows nearly every business wallahs in the city.
The Police Headquarters is having a hard time figuring out what to do with them now. Maybe they should get one to find funding for some cop movies while the other will get to act in them.

The recent Kollywood movie ‘Loot’ has stunned movie critics with its box office collections. Maybe our cops can do better and present the side of their story with ‘Boot’ since they use their boots on hapless citizens often.

It’s tough to be a police officer in ‘New Nepal’. A wanted fugitive is hobnobbing with our current Home Minister and the police don’t have the courage to arrest the slimebag. Of course, the Home Minister might transfer the ‘hero’ cop to Siberia if he or she goes around trying to get the ‘political’ goons.

A CA member sentenced to jail for murder by the Supreme Court is busy attending programs while senior police officers are forced to sit with him and smile back. Another CA member is in jail for abducting a businessman. This only happened in Bollywood movies or the grand old State of Bihar. Now, Bollywood has moved on and is turning ‘Hollywood’ and Bihar is doing much better. And our college students in India can’t sell cool jeans and boots from New Road for extra pocket money because the Desis have moved on from colorful shirts and funny jeans.

As usual, our ‘visionary’ politicians are above the law. Even the CIAA folks couldn’t find any evidence to link our politicians to the Sudan Scam. Someone needs to tell our investigators that all they need to do is haul in all our politicians’ personal assistants (PAs) and get hold of their black books. The ministers are busy cutting ribbons and attending exhibitions and what not. It’s the PAs who hold power to transfer a civil servant from Kholapani to Tatopani as long as the price is right.

We still have a few honest cops around. SP Kharel was doing a good job in Kathmandu but then he got transferred to a training center and he’s now in Parsa. Kidnapping and extortion have gone down quite a bit in the area after his posting there. If our film wallahs really want to make some moolah then they should do a movie on this guy. It would certainly break the box-office records.

If the producers of ‘Loot’ haven’t decided on the story for the sequel then they should think about making Haku Kale, a reformed thug who joins the police force and battles it out with our politicians and their goondas. And not to forget, he also fights with fellow police officers who have turned into thugs kya. That would be quite a contrast from reality hagi.

Well, the ending wouldn’t be a happy one because at the end of the movie, Inspector Haku Kale will be transferred to a remote district where he will have nothing to do but play chess with his constables. There’s an idea for the third part, Haku becomes a Chess Grandmaster and makes our country proud or something.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Maoist Moolah

We should’ve known better when our Emperor did his standup routine in front of his commanders bragging about how he managed to inflate the numbers of the PLA combatants and hoodwink everyone from UNMIN, our political parties, and the rest of the world.

Our Emperor is a funny man. If he hadn’t been a Commie or some agricultural expert, then he would probably have made quite a fortune by taking his act to all the Mahotsavs across the country. But of course, he wouldn’t have the dough to rent a mini-palace in Lazimpat, but it all turned out good, hai!

And now it’s finally time to get paid – thank the sukila mukila taxpayers for once – but it looks like the party headquarters will make a killing while the poor combatants will have a tough time paying their bills with the pocket change. But only if they manage to get out of the cantonments in one piece.

I don’t know what it is with our Comrades but they seem to be more interested in making the moolah than concluding the Peace Process or writing the Constitution. Well, looking at their antics so far, they are happy getting a piece of everything than giving us a peace of mind, hagi?

We have a little more than three months to go and we can start the countdown again and hopefully it’s for the last time, unless our ‘national’ comedian pulls another rabbit out of his mustache.

We should be very confident about not getting a new Constitution by the end of May and our combatants won’t be joining the national army unless one of theirs gets to be a two-star general. Maybe we should just make one of the Comrades a Field Marshal and then he gets to ride in a tank and enjoy the perks that come with it.

Our so-called leaders can’t even decide if they want seven provinces or eleven… maybe we should just stick to the 14 zones and 75 districts from the Panchayati playbook. After all, our government is sticking to its guns when it comes to the road widening projects. If they can now demolish everything just because some visionary planned the Valley roads in 1977, then maybe we should just go back to the 17th century and just start again with the 22-24 kingdoms, kya.

Isn’t it ironic that the poor combatants now have to flee and take refuge in local police stations from their own while the Emperor gets to move to an upscale neighborhood and has enough security than Obama?

And taking about security, our cops should start a 24-hour security drive rather than just hanging around till 11 p.m., getting up close and personal with the motorists. It’s hard enough for all us as we head home from work still worrying about not getting that one cylinder of cooking gas when we’re stopped by our men in blue and they want to smell our breath as if they are about to French-kiss us.

And yes, the seatbelt rule is really great, but why not bring back the helmet rule for pillion riders as well? And we don’t even have to go to back to the past and try to find a scrap of paper from the Rana days to enforce it. We can thank Gyanu Uncle for once for trying to get all of us to wear helmets when riding motorbikes, kya.

And our Emperor now finds it very harder to win the ‘table’ war than the so-called ‘People’s War,’ rey. He should be applauded for standing up for our Valley’s sukumbasis. He has promised them they wouldn’t be evicted unless the government finds alternative housing for our riverbank dwellers.

Maybe the Valley residents should now establish a sister organization affiliated to the mother party and get some help from the Emperor as well. How about all of us joining the ‘All Revolutionary Homeowners Association,’ or ARHA? After all, we are all now like pigeon feed for our great ‘peace’ pigeons who are on a mission to turn the Valley residents into slum dwellers.

Maybe we should all head to the wild and leave the urban jungle for our warriors. Let us all sell our homes and head to the hills. We can then build a small hydro thing in the village, rear goats since the bird flu seems to appear every now and then, and won’t have to worry about taking showers as we dive into the river and enjoy swimming all day long.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Time to go Green!

Let us all congratulate our competent policewallahs for launching their Quick Reponse Team! Now, all Valley citizens can expect our cops to show up at their homes in less than sixty seconds if somebody tries to run off with their tolas of gold or with the bottle of Dalley Khursani outside your kitchen.

The cops now have eight new motorcycles, and the tag team will show up at your door if you happen to live in a galli or place where no functional fire engine or police van can reach. I hope the Home Ministry will provide jerkins of fuel to the biker cops, or else the bikes will be rusting like our municipality trucks.

Instead of motorcycles or even cycles, skateboards would probably be the perfect fit for our mobile cops. You don’t have to worry about fuel or air, ni. But thanks to our sarkar’s road widening projects, our cops might need hiking boots and walking sticks if they want to get to the crime scene at the earliest.

The fuel crisis is here, and the price hike didn’t increase the supply, and the price revisions seem to have made it worse. Our byaparis are probably busy hoarding petroleum products because black market prices get you better returns on your investment, ni.

We have no batti for 14 hours a day but still we can charge our mobiles, watch the latest Holly-Bolly-Jolly DVDS and microwave our popcorn at 2 in the morning, ni.

We have no water for five days a week. But if we can afford it, then a water tanker will deliver gooey water to your home. And for those who can’t, we can shower every few days as long as our body odor is not as potent enough as some chemical weapons.

We have no fuel but we can walk to work and maybe lose a few pounds or strengthen our muscles. But if you live on the other side of town, then it’s time to get a bicycle or maybe a skateboard, nai.

And now the cooking gas shortage has hit us all. Even CA members are going hungry, rey. Now that’s not good. It’s okay if the public starves but we can’t let our honorable lawmakers survive on water and bread or noodles, ni.

Instead of taking telephone and Internet allowances, maybe our CA members should ask the government for Cooking Gas Allowance, hola.

I think we can walk to work but we can’t work on a hungry stomach, ni. So what do we do now? If the government keeps on selling them fuel for less than the international market prices, then we will all be joining Appa Dai and his friends for the Great Himalayan Trail Trek, hola.

It would be like going back the past, hagi? Like our forefathers, we will walk all the way to Pokhara for some music festival and we might have to stay overnight at some paati if we have some work in Bhaktapur.

So now is the time to finally go “green”! The government should instead give us two cows or buffaloes so that we won’t have to worry about the increase in milk prices and we can then have our own portable methane plant at home for the cooking gas as well.

We were supposed to shower with Melamchi ko paani many years ago. It won’t get here in our lifetime but let’s be hopeful.

Maybe our grandkids will finally get to taste the water of Melamchi, and instead of showering, they will probably get a cup or two.

They can use it to pour it on their heads while they walk to school, work or to some marriage party, ni.

The government should provide us all with subsidized water tankis so that we can harvest rainwater. We should get free solar panels so we can light our homes, get to watch “Tito Satya” and recharge our mobiles.

And since we have pretty big buildings all over the city now, our “visionary” municipality wallahs should hold off the road-widening project for now and build cable bridges.

Yes, aerial ropeways will solve our problems. We don’t need to walk, we might need sturdy arms but for the kids and senior citizens, we can get a pilot like for them paragliding stuff, ni.

So let’s go through the list again. We’ll get two bhainsis or gais. Milk crisis solved and so the shortage of cooking gas can be minimized. Rainwater harvesting will at least help us shower at least once every two days, hola, and solar power will help us recharge our mobiles and get a few more hours of batti.

And once we use them aerial ropeways, our Comrades won’t be blaming the city slickers for being sukila mukila.

We will all be one; rural and urban people using the Tuin to get to work, schools and marketplace, kya.