Friday, January 27, 2012

State of the (Student) Union

Don’t mess with our great students who study in government campuses. They are our future ‘visionary’ politicians, ‘hardworking’ public servants and ‘competent’ police officers. And it’s good that finally our public students are united, regardless of their political affiliation. But alas, it was only for them torch rallies and shutdowns.

Students should occupy all parks and government offices and set up camp. It’ll save on rent, and the city landlords won’t be making an extra thousand for a room, the size of a shoebox.

Why not occupy Nepal Oil Corporation and then stop free fuel to the politicians? If our students can’t do that, then they can occupy the microbuses and get free rides instead. But then all the bus-wallahs have their unions and they too are affiliated to political parties, kyaaruh.

Dr. Saheb could’ve really pacified the students if he had asked for thousands of bicycles from the Chinese. Then they wouldn’t have to worry about fuel price hikes, and one day they will have enough mass to demand cycle lanes across the city.

And when holding torch rallies, our students should hang some masu on the torch and by the time they are done running around the city, they can just take the sekuwa out and enjoy the snack, kya.

Instead of polluting the environment, maybe the Chinese can give us thousands of solar torches, baroo, and free packets of White Rabbit chocolate for our students.

Maybe it’s about time we moved our government campuses away from the main streets of Kathmandu. And have you noticed that there are always garages and mechanic workshops right in front of them campuses? We mustn’t be surprised when tyres roll and vehicles are set on fire as students have easy access to used tyres and jerkins of petrol from the nearby workshops, ni.

And all the government offices should also be moved to the outskirts of the Valley so that both the sarkar and students can battle it out in the same neighborhood over their differences.

At least ordinary citizens won’t have to breathe in poisonous fumes and be stranded in the middle of nowhere every time a bunch of students decide to hold an impromptu burning man festival in the middle of the road.

Like our netas, our student union leaders aren’t really interested to help the ‘real’ students. The ‘public’ students have a hard time finding accommodation. Why not ask for affordable public hostels for all students from outside the Valley? The Singha Durbar could be turned into a grand hostel for all ‘public’ students.

Instead of letting the ‘real’ students study and finish their studies in time, our student unions disrupt exams and help their own ‘voting’ crowd instead of the genuine students who have traveled from their remote districts to get education in the capital.

While the real students are in their early 20s, our student leaders have kids old enough to study in medical colleges. It’s about time we had an age limit for student union leaders and our netas as well.

If you are 30, then you better step up into national politics than sticking around in campuses and using the young and beautiful crowd to throw stones and burn tyres around the city.

And when you reach 60, all Comrades can visit China and enjoy the same hike as Chairman Mao did during his Long March, or something. Congressis can settle down in Varanasi and open a museum there, and Madhesi leaders can relax in their farmhouses across the border.

The government is planning to provide discounts to our ‘public’ students. They will get cheaper kerosene and cooking gas, rey. Maybe our student unions should ask for ‘subsidized’ meals for the students and they can utilize their time to focus on their studies instead.

We can ask our army and police tenderwallahs to supply ration to our students. The food might be substandard but it’s edible as we can see how energetic our policewallahs are when they start swinging their bamboo sticks and attacking students, monks and ordinary citizens.

It’s about time city slickers started organizing themselves as well or else we might all have to occupy the riverbanks in the Valley once all our houses are demolished.

Dr. Saheb has some knowledge on urban planning, but so far it looks like we’ll be living with torn down walls, houses bulldozed in half and no pavements for years to come. Nepal Tourism Board should ask Hollywood wallahs to visit Kathmandu and they can use our concrete pile of mess as their backdrop for them war flicks.

And let us all hope that when our public students become our politicians, public servants and police wallahs in 2020, they will have used these experiences to do good for the country. But the question is: Will we still have a country by then?

Friday, January 20, 2012

Dear chimekis, teach our netas how to fish

First of all, let’s congratulate our security personnel for doing a splendid job in keeping us inside our homes or hidden in our gallis during the dumpling gang’s visit to K-town.

Our police wallahs will be getting new walkie-talkies, the army folks have already gotten new colonoscopy machines hola, and the APF will get some booty too.

Dr. Saheb is probably patting himself on the back again for asking the hot-pot wallahs to stop by for a few hours.

At least the municipality wallahs finally got to do some street cleaning natak, ni. The Chinese had given them 108 trucks to clean our roads and dump our trash a few years ago but the KMC folks are always busy chasing street vendors and collecting parking fees from the mundreys.

And it didn’t matter if you were a Nepali citizen or a Tibetan or a Manipuri guy visiting his pals in the city. If you looked Mongolian, then you were either forced to play ‘freeze’ in the middle of nowhere or hauled to the local police station till Uncle Wen wrapped his visit. Where are our Janjaati warriors?

Our Comrades would probably have gotten more dough for so-called development projects if they had asked all our YCL brothers to wear red bandanas and Commie t-shirts and waved Chinese flags, hola.

If only our netas had the same audacity to stick to a ‘coherent economic policy’ as they do with the ‘One China’ natak, then maybe we wouldn’t have to go around begging for everything from our chhimekis. Kay bhancha ni, beggars can’t be choosers.

We’re hardworking people but our netas have made us look like beggars in front of the world, kya.

There’s no such thing as ‘free lunch.’ So everything our dumpling and dosa wallahs give us does come with strings attached, ni. The Chinese are happy if our police personnel beat up anyone hanging out in Boudha.

The Indians are happy if we keep on importing everything from fuel, khasi and even fresh milk from them. But of course, we have to thank our own political cadres for that since their ‘Nepal Banda’ nataks only helps the Desis since our factories shut down and farmers don’t seem to get any help from the government, either.

Well, the Desis aren’t happy with the counterfeit IC racket but someone always seems to visit our cities and start shooting in broad daylight. I can understand the CIA or the Israelis trying to get rid of them nukie scientists in Iran but why are we letting our chimekis push us around?

Our Foreign Minister is in Japan on medical leave. He also got something like US$30,000 to cover his medical expenses, rey. It’ll probably take an average hardworking Nepali nearly 30 years to make that kind of money.

The average Nepali can’t even afford to go to Norvic but maybe can visit Teaching Hospital in Maharajgunj. At least, the Japanese built it for us, ni.

But let’s not be harsh on our ‘bidesh’ mantri. He used to be a health assistant once but I guess he doesn’t know that we do have highly competent doctors now who can fix his neck or something. And the reason he didn’t visit Delhi like most of our netas is because he didn’t want to piss the Chinese. Now that’s what we call diplomacy.

And our ‘Home’ Minister is now in Delhi with our police chiefs, and like the Chinese, the Desis will also help our police wallahs get some free trinkets. Since our netas are running around begging for everything, why not ask the Desis to give us 50,000 breathalyzers baroo?

Each police personnel can then carry his own breathalyzer and won’t have to resort to smelling people’s breath. And maybe they can check their own just to make sure they haven’t crossed the limit while on duty.

If only our netas didn’t use our police wallahs as their slaves, security guards and scam partners, then maybe we would’ve had a very professional police force, hola. But once in a while, they do make us proud by busting a foreign drug mule or former mantri, based on their instincts, kya.

If there’s such a thing as a ‘Sherlock Holmes’ Prize, then our cops would’ve won that award year in and year out, hola. Hope someday our police wallahs will get more resources and less political interference so they can do their ‘real’ job. And one day, we’ll have faith and trust in the police, politicians, and public servants.

And Shyam Sundar Gupta should probably get an Oscar this year for acting like he was framed by his political opponents.

He’s been an MP, a minister, and hopefully he’ll be legally sworn in as a gangster soon. Not all politicians are gangsters but looks like all gangsters want to be politicians someday.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Operation Lumbini

Our “competent” government will be launching “Visit Lumbini Year 2012” tomorrow at the birthplace of Lord Buddha. If only our “visionary” public servants had any vision, then they wouldn’t have let as many cement factories and brick kilns compete with them bideshi monasteries, ki kaso?

While them monasteries offer tranquility, the polluting industries contribute to environmental degradation and spoil the serenity of Lumbini. But our sarkari hakims always think backwards.

They let people live on our capital’s riverbanks and now they want to evict them. They let people build homes by the main roads and now they want to demolish them houses. What were our municipality-wallahs doing then? I guess they were all away on foreign junkets, hola ni.

If our so-called leaders have any guts, then they should first demolish all them cement factories and brick kilns in the Lumbini area before widening our city roads so that more motorcycles and microbuses can ply on the roads while pedestrians have nowhere to walk.

Yes, all those who break the rules must be punished. We aren’t above the law but you can bend the rules if you’re a politician, public servant or the police.

Our political parties flout the laws and don’t submit their annual chiya kharcha report on time. How come they don’t have to pay fines and stuff? Maybe somebody should run to the Supreme Court and ask our Justices to force them to disclose who their big moneybags are? Or maybe we should just go through the VAT-evaders list?

Our public servants still move them files based on who you know or if you happen to come from the same village as the hakim sahib. You don’t need to know the CDO or the SP; things will get easier even if you happen to know the Nayab Subba or the Hawaldar.

Our police are very competent at catching drug mules but can’t seem to locate a kidnapped byapari who comes home after paying croresko ransom.

If them factories are forced to relocate, then our byaparis would probably get compensated for it because they are the ones who contribute “donations” to our political parties.

Our squatters will probably get something because they have contributed themselves for them political rallies and banda stuff but homeowners in the city will get zilched.

So it’s about time all homeowners unite and start their own “struggle committee” hola. How about only shutting down your own neighborhood so that the bulldozers and our men in blue can’t come in and act like goons?

Dr. Saheb and his “competent” gang should focus on the Peace Process and writing the Constitution instead of acting like a Mayor and Ward chairpersons, kya. Leave it to the locals and hold local elections instead of turning our roads into piles of concrete mess like it has been struck by some unmanned US drone.

If our microbuses didn’t wiggle like snakes and the bikers stopped squeezing into an inch of open space like a model trying to squeeze into a corset, then we wouldn’t really have traffic jams, ni. Or maybe we should just have one-way streets in the Valley.

But of course, we don’t have fuel for our vehicles or even batti to recharge them electric mopeds. And why are we spending millions on foreign companies trying to study if a metro system is feasible in the capital? Why not let the Manakamana Cable-wallahs build cable cars all around the city, baroo?

NEA got its debts written off. NOC wants the same deal, too. Looks like only the competent ones get free meals, wheels and deals, hagi.

We have a bloated bureaucracy and a little bit of antacid isn’t going to cure the inefficiency and waste. Instead of reforming the system, our netas have done everything they can to deform it beyond any possible repair.

Our comrades only know about purges and wish for a “mass uprising” but seem to be busy throwing paper missiles at each other. Our so-called democrats have already shown us that they, too, can organize a “burning man” festival as efficiently as the Commies. And our Madheshi leaders can’t seem to stop the urge to ask for commissions for everything.

And the biggest joke or the “just another ill-prepared” natak is the “Nepal Investment Year” campaign. Let’s forget the bideshis for a second. Aren’t we all tired of all them blue-plated smarty pants and bhukka tourists?

Maybe, we should stop kissing, begging or even bugging foreigners for spare change. Let’s promote domestic tourism and domestic investment, nai baroo! We don’t need the Chinese to build a mega resort in Lumbini. We don’t need Shah Rukh Khan or Rekha to promote the birthplace of Buddha.

Just open a Facebook page, “You are not a Nepali if you don’t visit Lumbini,” and then see what happens. Maybe it’s time somebody taught the guerillas about guerilla marketing, kya.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Gas, Bus & Cuppas

While our “hardworking” netas are all bundled up, “ordinary” folks are dying across the country because they don’t have warm clothes for the winter.

Maybe our “honest” Home Minister should ask one of the “Police” tender wallahs to supply all of us “Parkas” or if there isn’t enough money in the state coffers, we’ll be more than happy to receive “thermal” underwear. At least, it’ll keep us warm for the winter.

No Oil Corporation (NOC) loses billions of Rupees each month and them hakim sahebs still haven’t figured out how to stem the losses.

Our visionary netas and competent civil servants all seem to be driving around in gas-guzzling SUVs.

I think we can save a lot of fuel if our public servants used public transportation, like the rest of us.

Maybe somebody should file a writ in the Supreme Court hola. Who knows, if our judges can find all of them “free gaadis for hakims” illegal, then at least we can see our “Shree Tin” sarkars trying to haggle with our khalasis and enjoy being packed like sardines in them microbuses.

If, for security reasons it’s not feasible for them to travel like us gnats and flies, then we can arrange buses for them. Sajha buses will be running soon rey. And they are right across the Mantri Quarters.

Our grand old blue buses can drop our mantris off at work. We can save a few liters of petrol, and pretty soon, we’ll save thousands of liters and maybe NOC will be able to pay their outstanding dues to the Desis on time.

Our government had earlier informed us that it was willing to make the “unpopular” decisions like raise them fuel prices and what not. I guess, like every other government before, our current gang don’t want to take the risks.

After all, we have “Nepal” banda for the sake of bandas; so nobody really wants to rock the boat because our politicians don’t have the courage to do the right thing. They don’t really want to solve any problems but are very good at prolonging them.

Instead of providing subsidies on fuel and cooking gas, why not give us all bicycles? Pollution will go down. We’ll all be physically fit and our blood pressure will go down as we’ll no longer need to argue with the microbus khalasis for that “one” Rupee!

At this rate of underdevelopment, we’ll probably be a “solar” nation by 2020. Well, that can only happen if our government provides subsidies on them solar panels.

I hear the Chinese are really good at this. So, instead of asking for billons of dollar in credit, why not just ask them to give free “solar panels” for all of us. Trolley buses are now rusting; we can run them “solar” buses someday.

We all know that the load shedding problems are here to stay, probably forever, because our “patriotic” politicians are doing us a great favor by scaring away both potential domestic and foreign investors and their own cadres are busy extorting the ones who are already here.

So, instead of bragging about how rich we are in terms of water resources, maybe we can make billions in carbon credit if we go “solar,” ki kaso? No Electricity Authority (NEA), like the NOC, has been begging the government to raise the electricity tariff.

The former “Energy” minister did a pretty good job but our netas thought it was just another circus act. Riding a Mustang was definitely a nautanki natak.

He should have gone for a Reva or maybe got himself a scootie, baroo. Cutting off electricity supply is not an act, it was the “right” decision and I guess our ministries and large industries are back to “free” electricity again.

Our public enterprises should minimize their losses by controlling leakages and making sure that them Ministries and their own employees pay for it instead of getting free fuel, electricity and what not.

While freeloaders have all the fun, we the taxpayers have no option but to grind our teeth and wake up at 4 am to check if there is water on our taps.

The groundwater levels in the Valley are decreasing at an alarming rate. Melamchi will probably take another 50 years to arrive, or it never will.

Maybe it’s time we all go for “rain harvesting” this monsoon. We won’t have to curse the Khanepani people or pay private water tankers for their gooey water.

How about some subsidies on them storage tanks for rainwater harvesting, Dr. Saheb?

Our government doesn’t care. They are more worried about how to extend the CA term again while Nepali janatas are without “gaas, baas and kapaas.” Or in New Nepal, we can say, “Gas, Bus and Cuppas.”