Friday, September 30, 2011
Every year, our two old school parties organize them tea receptions during Dashain but it looks like this year, both the Congressis and the Eh-Maleys are planning to save a few lakhs by not serving tea and biskoots to them cadres, guests and criminals... hehe!
Now, she will be happy with a Bolero instead of them SUVs rey. I don't think Hisila didi is like our Sujata auntie or Bidya didi from the UML. When she was in college, she used to be a khatara dancer and sports-wallah rey. Sujata auntie was busy drinking and partying in Germany then.
But she is known for poking her nose everywhere... she's been a mantri-ni a few times in the past few years and she likes to do favors for her cronis and cousins but all of them netas do it anyway ni.... I think Hisila did should just smack a few 'grumpy old men' around hola.
It's really tough to be a neta in Nepal. You have to make your chamchas happy or else... feri arko election ma they will switch sides and help your opponent win ni.
The real victims have received nothing, maybe ali ali medical kharcha but most of them so-called 'relief' packages goes to them cadres (who weren't even injured during them so-called andolans) of them political parties nai... I guess, them cadres will be having fun this Dashain while the real victims get nothing as usual.
It's the same story everywhere. Them folks who died during these andolans, be it them cadres from the political parties or the government employees or innocent folks.... their families suffer while them politicians and sarkaari hakims sip tea and high-five each other as they make them deals here and there.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
The CBS (not the Amriki TV channel) has released its so-called preliminary report rey. Central Bureau of Statistics (CBS) tells us that our population is only 26.2 million ... and I guess they failed to account for the 4 million folks abducted by aliens last fall.
According to them CIA folks (the Amrikis) and our sources at Guffadi Labs, our population should be around 30 milion ahiley samma tuh. CBS ko report anoosar, only 1.9 milion folks are outside the country.
Abuh India ma nai hola 2 million chan hola (no, I am not counting the Nepalis who are Indian citizens ni!) , ani Middle East ma arko 2 million ... yeta oota garda, we should have like 5 million Nepalis studying or working or partying or just tyam-passing in them foreign lands.
Kathmandu ko population only 1million rey ani Lalitpur Bhaktapur combine garey ruh arko .5 million. Once again, CBS folks must have been smoking something or they don't really hang out at them local bus stops in the valley hola. According to the rough guff-estimate, 5.6 million folks live in the valley today.
If only a million folks lived in Kathmandu then you would see them playing football in New Road ko bato ma on Saturdays ni.
Hawa taari report lay hami lai nai ghata kya, pachi budget ma tyehi ho... the capital city gets pennies whereas other places get billions of Rupees, ani tyo pani goes to them pockets of local politicians and contractors and not them villagers ni.
More than 20% of the population lives in the valley but CBS report ma chahi only 17% urban population rey. So have they forgotten the urban folks in Pokhara, Dharan, Biratnagar, Butwal and all them major cities in Nepal?
I think all the out-of-towners should gherao the CBS office and demand some answers.... hehe!
Nepal ko male population chahi 12.9 million and female chahi 13.6 million rey. Ani .. what happened to them 'third gender' ni? Uni haroo ko pani stat liyeko hoinuh ruh hamra CBS wallahs haroo lay?
Well, this is only the rough draft rey... abuh final report lai parkhim naw. But it's about tyam, our netas realize that Kathmandu is our capital and more than 20% of the population ani yeso government budget batuh pani 20% kharcha choottau-ney ho ki. Kehi naw bhaye pani 1 billion dollar tuh valley lai dinoo parney ho.
Ever year, they waste billions of Rupees in mato-pooring them bato ghato. All our batos are flooded during the monsoon. Instead of making them contractors richer, why not spend the next year's budget (the whole thing) right here in the valley kya.
Ek barsa chahi Kathmandu valley ma nai kharcha garoom. Sabai bato ghato banaam, affordable housing, paani saani, sabai ghar ma solar dim , free ma nai.... ki kaso?
And then we can ask all the people from them remote areas to come live with us here in Kathmandu nai. Yes, we need them bato ghato and everything in Karnali and everywhere else but so far, it's only them local politicians and them political parties who are busy looting them development budget sudget while them bato ghato sabai kacchi, no teachers in them public schools and no medicines at them local health posts.
Baroo let's ask all our village people to move to the city and the city people can move to them villages. Baroo student exchange program bhanya jastai, gau sahar exchange program nai rakhoom nai.
Most of us are tired of the city anyway. So , we spend like a year in Rolpa and maybe work on our short stories or painting sainting or I don't know.. your new music album? Ani sabai gau ka saathi bhai bahini haroo can visit our one and only national zoo, dharahara .... have picnis at Godavari or go for them sunrise thing in Nagarkot. Ek barsa tuh biti halcha ni.
And why are we spending billions of dollars every year for them fokatey ko salaries for our civil servants? They really don't do any work and they make more from them chiya-kharcha fees than their salaries anyway... so maybe it should be mandatory that all civil servants should devote at least one Saturday , cleaning up them streets and helping NepalUnite paint them temples, bridges etiyaadi.
So let us ask our civil servants to take a pay cut or work for a Rupee for a whole year. Sabai paisa desh bikash ma laagaam..! Sher B. Deuba has resigned from them Congressi ko management team.. he is free now. Now he will have enough spare time to clean up his tole sole, and maybe he can help his Mrs. with her NGO work pani or maybe he just wanted to drink some more and play cards during Dashain instead of meeting his chamchas and figuring out how to kick Sushil dai's arse.
Hey, we all need a break ni. So, Happy Dashain everyone. Everthing in moderation ki kay bhancha ni.... don't eat like a horse, don't drink like a fish and don't gamble like Gyanu uncle... hehe!
Yes, Baburam should have gone on national TV and comforted us with his dui sabda when we felt all the shaking instead of driving straight to the airport without saying 'tata' to all of us ni but it's okay... at least he didn't speak like a jackass like our Home Minister who asked his God (some Desi in Delhi!) to send them quakes to the Kuireys!
Baburam is a funny man. While the rest of them chors are busy looting left and right, he is trying to save us a penny here and there. But it adds up ni!
But of course, if you are a Maoist or a Madeshi cadre then you can get away with anything ni. Yeeni haroo ko din ho.. jati khanoo cha khaa ... bajiya haroo!
Ani hamro Prachandoo sarkar is busy spending them nights at them resorts with his Mrs. and our crown prince.
I don't know why Prakash dai still tags along with his father. C'mon ... grow up man. Or maybe our current King is worried that his son might hang out in Thamel and try to hit on them Kuire-nis by presenting his business card.
Yes, this is no guff.... he really wants a 'kuire-ni' girlfriend rey. Well, according to our sources, Prachandoo uncle is worried about his son. He might just get drunk and pass out near Sanchaya Kosh Building and somebody might take a picture of him rey.
And the bloke is already married twice.. abuh third tyam chahi lucky hooncha bhaney ruh hola ni... but I hear he's a little too shy rey kya.. when it comes to them guff-suff with the kuire-nis. Guffadi's advice chahi.. tyehi ho... don't worry about your accent, just speak slowly and enunciate .. hehe!
And Prakash dai, please delete them stupid pictures from your Facebook albums, especially the ones where you are holding them automatic assault rifle sifle kya. Baroo invest in some telecom and give us high speed internet access and you can also update your Facebook status ali chado ni... photo haroo chitto upload hooncha ni!
Tyo 'look at me .. I am a Rambo!' natak is not really going to impress them ladies ... only if you try to hook up with a kuire-ni from Montana who loves to hunt sunt hola ... hehe!
And even with them relief package natak, we all know that the Home Minister and his chamchas will dole out crores to their own cadres while the real victims will get a Rupee or two.
How come them stupid cadres get 10 lakhs when they die in them bandh sandh or other nataks while them earthquake victims get only a lakh Rupees? Khoi... ki hami sabai lay euta party ko membership liney ho ki... it's better than buying them life insurance kya.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Flying a plane slane is not as easy as driving a micro-bus ni. When it comes to them buses and trucks, the khalasis get promoted to drivers after a year or two of driving while the driver saheb takes a nap after a lunch break. But we don't have a Khalasi for them planes so if you really want to fly a plane then you have to spend 20-30 lakhs and take them classes and what not.
Then you come back and apply for them jobs and if you are lucky then you get hired by our domestic airlines and it would take your more than 3-4 years before you become a captain kya.
Most of them pilots have thousands of hours of flight time under their belts. If we look at them Agni, Yeti air crashes in recent years, most of them pilots were one of the most experienced folks around.
And yes, we are all human beings.. we do make mistakes but them crashes were due to them bad weather conditions rather than human error kya.
The monsoon season was supposed to end a month ago but I guess... yes paali chahi October samma nai paani parcha jasto cha. I think it's about tyam, our private airlines operators cancel all them flights during the monsoon season except for emergency stuff kya.
We can't expect our government and them civil aviation folks to do anything about it because they really don't care. Nepal Airlines will no longer exist by 2020. And for our business wallahs, it's really tough because they have invested millions of dollars in buying them planes and helicopters and when tourist season comes, they want to make a few dollars more by flying around even when them weather conditions are not favorable kya.
Buddha is probably the safest airlines in Nepal. They don't fly to remote areas except them mountain flights and them other routes chahi mostly urban areas in Nepal.
We are Nepalese, we are always cooking up them conspiracy theories and waste our tyam guffa-maaring. I was at the local chiya pasal and one of the local jackass was telling his friends, 'Don't fly them plane slane if they have a women co-pilot because the last 3-4 crashes ma there was a lady pilot rey'
C'mon arsehole... this ain't Saudi Arabia. Well, the Saudis have finally decided to let their women vote in the municipal elections but what difference does it make if a lady is flying the plane or not? They went to the same flying schools and graduated because they were competent and they have to compete with them 'males' when they come back and apply for them jobs.
Flying is much safer than taking a micro or them night buses when you travel outside the valley and most of the folks who tell me that they are never to going to get on an airplane are the same people who have never flown on a plane.
But if you are really worried then don't fly during them monsoon season. I don't know why them civil aviation employees allowed them planes to fly .... it's been raining since the past few days and even our highway sighway haroo ko bato sabai khattam cha... so if we should blame somebody then it's our incompetent airport wallahs and the management wallahs of them private airlines ni.
Let us not blame our pilots for they are courageous enough to fly under such adverse conditions but it's about tyam our pilots union did something about this kya.
If you have an Amrikan accent then that's fine. But for folks like me and Baburam ... our only way to get our 'Angrezi' message across the room would be to speak slowly and pronounce each and every word clearly or kay bhancha ni... enunciate! I think it means the same thing.... sorry, I don't like to use them big words.
Government is not 'Govnmet' and prosperity is not 'Pospetty' kya. I still remember my 5th grade teacher, who made us pronounce the word 'Deevyaalupment' instead of 'Dev-Lope-Ment'... the only words I can pronounce like an Amrikan chahi... 'Kaw-pya-city' and 'Mall-tie-plug'!
Aroo words chahi.. tyehi ho 'Govinda' accent nai aucha... and I started watching 'Sesame Street' at 5 and watched all them episodes of 'Saturday Night Live' by 25... hehe! I guess I have proven them social scientists wrong hola... that spending thousands of days in them foreign lands can't make at least one jackass speak like a bideshi ... hehe!
I can do Singlish pretty well... just add 'lah' at the end ... udha-haran ko laagi chahi... 'okay, laah.. no problem laah... can can!' and I really do speak like a Bihari (even though I have never been to India!).... I should have tried to work on my Amriki accent hola... but that's okay .... Amrikan lay bujey booze-cha natra afai Nepali sikcha ni...hehe!
Okay, topic change garnoo paryo! Let's go back to our PM's speech hai. Baburam dai, like every other Nepali had to mention the tallest mountain and the spiritual guru, Buddha! But why did he leave the Sherpas, Gurkhas and them temples and tyampoos out?
I think he should have said, 'Nepal is a land of mountains, maoists and morons' ... well, them comrades think everyone is a moron ni... hehe! Jahiley pani kay kay natak gardai hami lai bhool-au-naw khoj-cha kya.
Dr. Saheb told them world leaders that his government is fully committed to writing them constitution and bringing this peace natak to a closure rey. Yes, we have seen how committed our Mao-buddies are .... hoinuh ruh?
And he talked about them human rights, climate change , UN peacekeeping stuff etiyaadi. I don't want to go through everything and try to be like them Op-Ed columnists in our major dailies hehe!
And Calvin Klein (CK) Lal must have something against Facebook, Twitter wallahs! I think he should get a Ham radio operator license or if the government doesn't allow it then just get yourself some pigeons hai! And stop using emails pani... baroo go back to snail mails ni!
Talking about human rights... all our comrades and the Madeshi movement wallahs won't have to worry about going to jail even if they killed them innocent villagers, teachers and low-level government employees.
And most of our netas today are mostly mundrey goondas from the 70s ... abuh goonda lay goonda lai help naw-gaw-rey, kay timi hami lai po help garney?
When it came to them police and army wallahs.... those who kissed arses or were well-connected never went to them remote areas and they never faced any danger from them ambushes and what not.
And we have to thank YCLs, Youth Force wallahs and them 27 different Madeshi armed outfits and not to forget them 'whatever-waans' militant groups as well... for doing their part to save the environment by being involved in them 'rookh-kaating', 'baaluwa-khunning' and 'roda-gitti nikaaling' ..... angrezi ma chahi... for clearing them forests, destroying our rivers and what not!
Don't be surprised if them bridges across the country collapse soon... no not from them earthquakes, sabai baluwa saluwa truck ma haaling, ani jhan thulo baadi aye-ing, pool sool pani bhawt-king!
The only reason our Home secretary was kicked out and transfered to the Prime Minister's office chahi.... he was trying to stop them 'red sandalwood' smuggling .... and our Home Minister's goonda, Ganesh Lama seem to control the racket. He was also paying off our Mao-buddies!
Ani Baburam dai pani choop when our 'Homie' said, 'Either me and my Madeshi Forum Wallahs or the 'honest' civil servant!'.... one man or one billion Rupees ko sawal ayo ni! Paisa banau-ney tyam ho.. ani Guccha-dar lay kaha chod-cha ruh?
Our netas should first sign up for them Everest trek (not fly sly ni) and then find out how them climate change thing is screwing up the region kya. Stupid Makune wasted millions of Rupees by hosting his cabinet meeting there.
And Prakash Dahal, our current crown prince plans to climb Everest with his bodyguard but he must have said that when he was drunk hola. I think Baburam should host another cabinet meeting there ... this tyam chahi.. ask all them ministers to climb Everest ni. Ani balla hami pani wah wah bhan-chau ni!
The Nepal Army has been involved in them UN peacekeeping missions for more than 50+ years.... and even our police-wallahs are now going to them war zones nowadays. We have to thank our netas, Rubel bhai (Sujata's sin-in-law) and the chor-police (them IGPs) for screwing our men in blue by sending them faulty APCs to Sudan.
We all know that Krishna Sitaula distributed the loot to them stooges. Yes, even our Prachandoo sarkar got his cut but this is Nepal... them corrupt clowns are always above the law hagi.
I think Baburam dai should have asked the UN wallahs to hire our 19,000 PLA combatants for their peacekeeping missions ni. They will get paid in dollars and Prachandoo sarkar can make more money when he takes a cut from their salaries ni.
I feel sorry for Baburam dai. Hope he and Hisila didi took them NYC tours on them double decker buses and spent some quality tyam together..... because once he gets back... his blood pressure will go up again.
And no Dr. Saheb, forget all that new 'Marshall Plan' natak.... what Nepal needs today is not them fokatey ko bhaa-shun ani nautanki nataks (circus act) .... hami lai paani, batti ruh bato dinoos... aroo kura ko tension naw-linoos.
Only them cadres, crooks and corrupt civil servants have enjoyed the loot ... and this game has been going on since 1951.. tyo bhanda pahila tuh you have to be a SJB to have fun ni .. hehe! Janta lay kay payo... mitho boli, tato goli ani jhahi lay pani mahangi kya!
Abuh arko Marshall Plan ko laagi tuh, we have to wait for WWIII ni... sabai bhatang-bhootong bhaye pachi aucha ni tyesto plan tuh!
The Madeshi netas have made it clear to them civil servants that they want to make as much as they can while they head them ministries... even them Mantri ko PAs haroo lay bhanchan rey.... 'Hami tuh paisa kamau-naw aako... lau chito chito kaam saam garoom, ani hami timi lay nai ho ni pauney maam saam' ...
So forget integration, constitution... etiyaadi hai... corruption tyeti kai cha, pollution pani ustai abuh hami janta lai chahi frustration ani bhooi chaalo aye pachi destruction ... abuh solution pau-naw chai ek dui wata mushroom khaa-noo hos ani enjoy them hallucinations ni.
Friday, September 23, 2011
When the ‘Big One’ comes…*
Our prayers for the victims and their families of the recent earthquake… here and in our chimkei lands.
And instead of preparing for future earthquakes, our man wants us to pray to Lord Pashupatinath and ask God to send the earthquakes to America and Europe. Somebody please tell him that God doesn’t take sides and natural disasters aren’t like ministerial portfolios that you can switch around kya.
Birendra International Convention Center (BICC) is probably one of the safest building in town. It was supposed to be a place where we could all go to them exhibitions, circus acts and what not.
Thanks to our constitution writers (who can’t get rid of writer’s block), we have to head to Bhritkuti Mandap if we want to see the stuff (ghar, gahana and gaadis) which most of us can’t really afford anyway. But for circus acts, BICC is still the place to be hai.
Apart from BICC, a few buildings in the valley can withstand a major earthquake, like the NSET (National Society for Earthquake Technology) building in Bhaisepati and the US Embassy in Maharajgung. But we can’t all run to Bhaisepati ni.
The US Embassy can withstand a nuclear ping pong game between Chindia (if that ever happens!) but you are not even allowed to take a picture in front of their premises, let alone crash their ‘Thanksgiving’ party.
So we leave the BICC to our great netas, US Embassy for Amrikans and I don’t think NSET is looking for any interns right now.
In that case, we better start retrofitting our homes and learn the ‘earthquake’ drills so that we will be better prepared next time. If the ‘Big One’ comes and you are in your office then stay put and hope that the contractor did a good job instead of using adulterated stuff.
Our Home Minister, who also heads the ‘Central Natural Disaster Relief Committee’ can do us a favor by going live on TV and showing us the ‘drop, cover and hold’ moves.
And please remind him that those moves doesn’t include dropping criminal cases, covering up for incompetent civil servants and holding the transfer of eligible candidates so that he can prevent the Home Ministry from collapsing kya.
Our CA members were seen, hanging outside BICC, all trying to call up their loved ones. I hope we have learned a lesson this tyam. Yes, the networks can’t handle high volume calls. It would be better to make sure that you are safe and so are your fellow human beings around you, rather than frantically pushing buttons and swelling up your fingers.
And please do not jump off the building or a window or from anywhere. The best thing to do would be to stay put inside and try to get away from the window and stuff that may fall upon you. Yes, they tell us to get to open spaces but the only person who can reach Tundikhel will be the fortune teller from Hyderbad who sits right near the entrance to the ground.
If you happen to be out on the street then what do you do? Stop trying to break Usain Bolt’s 100m record to reach some paddy field. The valley has none now so just try to get away from tall buildings and electric poles.
Folks are now talking about making sure that they have an ‘earthquake’ kit ready. Yes, it’s a good idea. Water purifying tablets should not wait until the earthquake strikes. You can use it even today since most of our water jars sold by private companies seem to have flies and worms anyway.
And don’t forget to stash a poka of chuira and misri (sugar crystals) but no gudpaks hai. My friend’s grandfather had this combo when he was under the rubble in 1934 and he survived. And better get a ‘camel back’ thing for paani than half a dozen water bottles.
And a whistle is very important. If you don’t know how to blow it effectively so that rescuers can hear you then you can always ask our traffic cop to give you a quick demonstration. Violate a traffic rule, you will get a free quick demo right there ni.
An earthquake is no laughing matter or blaming your karma won’t do any good. Some of us did enjoy the little bit of shaking rey but when the ‘Big One’ comes, there will be a lot more shaking and it won’t be fun at all.
So let’s all be prepared for the worst and hope for the best.
*Published today @ The Week/Republica hai!
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Look at Sujata... she left her hubby and came back to have fun while Girija Babu was alive ni. Maybe, our uncle's chori should also leave her husband and maybe do some deals with NOC. Nepal Airlines tuh abuh kaam chaina... NOC ko fuel suel yeta oota garey pani maala-maal!
Now things are different. Prachandoo hangs out with the Desi 'Pirate' aka Ram Dev Baba.. and he wears them tika sika and he has a strong neck pani.... Ek ton ko fool-maala ghaati ma lau-naw tuh garo hooncha ni. Our communists are different from them other comrades around the world.
Most of our comrades still do them puja suja and call their astrologers to find out the right tyam to go to the bathroom...hehe! When them tremors shook Kathmandu, our CA members were bhaagum-bhaag outside the BICC... and one of them was like 'Luh... mero jyotish lay tuh kehi bhanya chaina.. kasari aye-cha bhooi-chaalo?'
Prachandoo may look like a patriot, act like one and speak like one ... but at the end of the day, he is like them 'Manchurian' candidate kya. I think he won't mind if we call him a Desi 'Parrot' instead... hehe! Tyo film ma chahi .. the man was programmed by his communist handlers whereas Prachandoo is always meeting with his 'Desi' handlers ni. Ani kinuh guff diney hola hami lai hagi?
Monday, September 19, 2011
They wanted to wait for their own people to clear them stuff rey. Yes, they had to wait to wait them 'yellow' jacket, hats , gloves etiyaadi rey.
I hear that they even have a bunker so that them Amrikis can enjoy them hot dogs when the Chinese and the Desis are playing nuclear ping-pong rey... hehe!
During the 1934 ko earthquake... some folks survived under them rubble subble.. because they had like a bora of chuira with them rey... so maybe chuira-daal-moat chahi rakhnoo hai afoo sangaw... dal-moat might give you gas sas.. but it's better to tolerate them 'gun-dhaw' and survive ni!