Monday, January 31, 2011

Dhobi Ghat!


Aamir Khan is vary vary good actor sactor! You can make shit and just slap them 'Aamir Khan' tag and it will sell like 'hot cakes' rey! And Dhobi Ghat is another of them 'Aamir Khan' feelim seelim!

My friends were like... 'You must see this movie .. myaan' .. it's really good! So I got myself them 'Rs 30' DVD! And must be my lucky day hola! Print Srint tuh 'First Class' ... somebody from Aamir's film company must have chor-ing and copying it hola!

I liked the movie. After all, it's Kiran Rao's directorial debut ki kay bhancha ni! And she does a great job! Actually, I have respect for anybody who makes them movie sovie.. even if it's crap! It's hard work ni! It' s not like making paani puri or them vyar vyar mo:mos!

But.. making them 'best' mo:mo and paani-puri tuh work of art nai ho kyaaruh!

The movie is about them four people in Mumbai! Euta chahi... Aamir Khan bhayee halyo. He is a painter sainter and I guess he forgot to wash his hair hola.. jahiley pani euta kapaal chahi 'seto paint' ... ani he smokes and he likes to paint saint and he sleeps with the hero-ni of the movie and he's like 'Ooops.. sorry, I liked it vary vary much but now I can't really hang out with you!'

Ani hero-ni chahi (well, not them 'Bollywood Dancing Queen'-type!) ... is them investment banker from Amrika.. dhani bau ki chori but now just hanging out in Mumbai and taking picture sick-ture etiyaadi!

Then we have the dhobi! He also works as them rat-killer @ night... delivers them looga sooga.. hangs out with the hero-ni and also knows the painter babu! I think this movie would have rocked if it was about the Dhobi and his life hola!

Ani lastuh ma chai... we have the 'woman' jasko video Aamir Khan Dai watches and then finds out that .. 'Myan... if only we made it some horror sorror flick' .. we could have made more money hola!

Aamir Khan doesn't really worry about them money soney .. because he's already 'loaded' thanks to them previous 'hit' productions! Abuh .... I am really waiting for 'Delhi Belly' .... produced by Aamir Dai again!

So what's this 'Dhobi Ghat' about? It's not about ... Bollywood or the Dhobis... it's about life in Mumbai! I give it a B- ... because it's really a nice movie... ali ali slow and I like Aamir Khan and although his role in the movie is ... I have no idea why he was in the movie?

I hope someday... our Nepali film-makers will come out with 'Ratna Park' and I can it give it A+++ and a 'gold star' pani!

Instead of trying to do them 'Bollywood ko 80s' ko re-mix or having them same 'young' actors to represent our 'Yuva-pidi'.... I want to see Rekha Thapa as 'dance bar girl' who then becomes Kathmandu ko mafia or Rajesh Hamal as some 'Angrezi Professor' who falls in love with his grad student, Jharana Bajracharya.. hehehe!

Sunday, January 30, 2011

The Numbers Game....


There are .. like 19,000+ combatants in them PLA camps! NA doesn't want them whole-sale integration rey! The Maoists are like.. fine, then take ... like , 9,000 ni! But them Congressis (Kangaroos!) and them UML (Unidentified Moronic Losers) want like only 5,000 rey!

What's up with them numbers game? We all know that the Maoists are vary vary good when it comes to playing them poker soker! They are very good at bluffing and every tyam.. they 'go all in'.. them other political parties will be ... like .. 'fold.. fold..fold!' ...

And now.. them Maoists.. are okay with like 4,000 PLA soldiers getting them NA entry and probably one 'Brigadier General' from their side rey! And they hope one day.. the PLA 'General' will be them 'COAS' (Chief of the Army Staff) of Nepal!

The Maoists know very well that .. at the end of the day.. jasley 'Army' lai haat paaryo uslay sabai jityo.. rey! They keep talking about them 'B.P. Koirala' ko kitaab sitaab!

B.P. lay bhannoo bhayo 'We shouldn't have integrated our militia silitia in them Nepal Police Force eityaadi' .. and when them King took over again .. we didn't have the 'bandook-wallahs' with us rey!

Well, we don't have them 'Singh is King' anymore.. so I guess.. our Cummies should not be so worried hola ni!

The Maoists think .. once they get in.. they will able to change 'NA'.... and finally take over the country rey! And them NA folks are still sticking to them 'pass them test sest and you get in' thing.. but the Maoists want like.. 'no test, we are the best... so just let us in and we do the rest' rey!

I guess .. we can forget about them constitution sonsitution... yo 'integration' ko koora nai .. kahiley toong-ee-nay ho.. kaslai pani tha-ha chaina! And this is where our 'Desi bhais' come in... and they are all happy now.. since them UNMIN packed and left!

Prachandey is now busy scratching his 'stuff' rey... (hahah.. that's what most Nepali Men do anyway!)... and he's like 'It's either me or nobody'... because 'Maoist leadership is essential for taking the peace process to a logical conclusion' rey!

Arrey.. waaa! Prachandey Dada... why did you spend them 10+ years killing them school teachers, soldiers, police-wallahs and other villagers.. when you could have done more for this country.. if you had instead opted for 'targeted termination' of them 'so-called neta haroo ni!'

When them Maoists nataks began.. everybody was like .. 'This is another of them King ko natak satak' and them command center is in them 'Raaj Durbaar' rey!

Then.. the Maoists came out with 'Monarchy must go or else we won't lay lo' rey! And now what... Gyanu Uncle is still enjoying them 'benefits' ...

And then.. they wanted to go all out against India.. like Sunny Deol did in them Bollywood Box Office Hit - 'Gadar' Sardar or something like that! He goes all alone and fights all them Pakistanis .. and wins!

Hahaha.... if it was Rajnikanth.. he would have just fired one shot and them 'single' bullet lay sabai lai khalaaas!

And now we are here.. 13,000+ dead .. all for nothing! No budget for development.. only for sharing among them political parties!

Armed Police Force is now busy 'playing' security guards to them Embassies and INGOs.... and now they do them 'border patrolling' as well and... they are also learning to make some money on the side ni!

Nepal Army is busy training for .. 'God Knows What' .. Nepal Police is busy, drinking and sleeping @ work .. like always .. and our PLA folks... are waiting .. waiting for answers... and hope one day.. they realize that it was never about the people and the country... it was only about getting to the top and enjoying the loot !

Saturday, January 29, 2011

It's Time to Go?...


"It was never about the government, by God. It is you (Mubarak) who has to go! What you have done to the people is enough!"

Hosni Mubarak has been the 'Pharaoh' of Egypt for them last 30+ years ... and @ 82.. he still doesn't want to leave the room .. rey!

Them internet-sinternet is 'out' and mobile phones don't work swork.. no.. I am not talking about Nepal kya! I feel sorry for all them Egyptians coz they can't update their FB status haroo heheh!

The 'Arab' world is going through them 'Jana-Andolan' like we did in them 90s! Well. it's better late than never sever bhanchan ni!

But the Amrikis are worried.. coz.. all them 'Arab ko corrupt sarkaars' are all US ko allies syallies!

So.. if Mubarak leaves.. (not likely sikely) then what happens next? Well, them 'Muslim Brotherhood' will win them 'general election selection' .. and then we have the next 'Iran' hola ni!

Mubarak ko Chora .. has been groomed to take over the crown but I hear.. them military-wallahs are not really that 'supportive' of the Crown Prince rey!

So.. tyehi ho... it's always them 'military' ni! If you don't keep your army happy sappy then they will blow them bazookas up your arse kya! We can see them in North Korea and other 'Ek-lauti' circus acts haroo!

24 people .. dead... 1,000 injured.. and now them tanks sanks are all over the streets.. and Mubarak ain't really stepping down! Now, Gyanu Uncle must be like smoking .. and reading them 'news sewz' and wondering.... 'Myaan... Lucky Hosni!' ...

But of course.. Egypt gets like billions of dollars 'Amriki Aid' and always kisses them 'Amriki arses' ... and I don't think Amrikis want them 'Muslim Brotherhood' to govern Egypt and turn it into another 'Islamic Republic' or something!

Abuh.. Hosni jaanoo nai paryo bhaney chahi.. them 'Military Junta Sunta' will rule Egypt and they will promise them 'election selection' and then them 'fundamentalists' will win and then the military will take-over again and the story goes on and on....!

The New Coach ....


So.. we have a new coach rey! Yes.. ANFA (All Nepal Football Association).. the 'Ganesh Thapa ko khaaney bhaado!' has appointed some English-man .. Graham Roberts as the new coach for our national team rey!

According to our dailies, them ANFA picked Roberts from among five foreign coaches interested for the job rey! How come.. no 'Nepali' coaches were asked to interview for the job?

Ganesh-ay .. you suck myaaan! And now Mr. English-myan will get a monthly salary of 5,000 dollars (not Rupees!) and 500 dollars for faw-zool kharcha etiyaadi! Way to go.. Ganesh-ay... you make us vary vary proud!

So .. who is this 'Graham Roberts'... the English-myan was coaching them Pakistaani football team rey! Thank God.. Graham decided to take the 'Nepal' job... or else.. he would have to spend tyam syam.. wearing them 'bomb-proof' gear.. coz u know Pakistan.. they like to blow things there ni!

Hope Roberts brings his 'English' guff suff and make our players better hola! Maybe.. by the tyam he leaves.. our players will have them 'British Accent Sack-cent' ni! But why are we spending like 3.5 lakhs a month + 35,000 Rupees for 'pocket money' on this 'foreign' coach?

What our players need.. is not them 'bideshi sideshi' coach.. they need to hit the gym more often, get better 'diet siet' and better pay kya and maybe some 'hwat' WAGs hola ni .. hahaha!

I think them '3.5lakhs' would be better spent on them player ko 'diet siet'... and talab-salab! That's the problem with ANFA! Ganesh-ey and his friends travel around the world... attending them 'nautanki conferences and events' while our players don't have enough dough to buy them 'football boots'...

It's not that we don't have 'good' Nepali coaches but our players don't listen to them 'Nepalis' well rey! So.. like everything else .. we, Nepali-wallahs need 'bideshis' to push us around hola ni!

Anyways.. Hope Roberts helps our players.. bring back them 'old' glory days of 'Nepali' Football when we kicked them Shark (SAARC) desh haroo ko arses! Yes.. at least Shark-Champion bhaye pani poog-cha hai haami lai tuh!



Friday, January 28, 2011

President goes to Bollywood!


President is on them 10-day 'rock concert' tour .. India maa rey! Dr. Ram Baran Yadav ...is actually a very nice man! Even though the Maoists like to portray him as the 'Devil' or something!

Bichara..what could he do? India kept on calling and said 'If PKD fires General Katuwal then we will fry your arse' .. so PKD, don't hate RBY... baroo please go @#$! yourself.... hola!

Jawaana maa... I visited Dr. Yadav.. uhaa ko ghar ma.. in Bagdole! It's like 5 minutes walk from my house.. I was there with fool-sool and just wanted to see the man before he shifted to them Presidential Palace!

So, one day.. I woke up, bought them cheap-arse fool-mala .. and went for them morning walk to see the 'First President'... them security was neither 'tight' nor 'right' ki kay bhancha ni!

Only one police-man and that was it. It was less than 24 hours .. that our leaders decided to have RBY as the 'First President' .... so he was also not into it hola!


Met Dr. Saheb in his 'leaving' room. Well, he was about to leave seave kyaaruh.. so we can call them 'living room' .. dee 'leaving da room' hola! hehe.

'Congratulations, Sir... I am Guffadi and I live right in them next tole.. just wanted to come and wish you all the best'
...

"Thank You, Bas-noos, ani chiya pani piu-noos"

I sat down and waited for them 'President baatuh 'free' tea' and then a bunch of hooligans showed up. I thought they were hooligans.

Well, I found out that them 'nautankis' were students of them NSU (Congressi ko Student Union) rey.. and they were making so much noise that our President was like.. 'Damn.. yee nai hoon hamro desh ka yuva haroo?'


And then they were like jumping around and dancing and taking pictures with the President as if he was some kind of a 'Panda Sanda'.... I felt bad!

I hate taking pictures (of myself!).. and I really should have taken my picture with the President in his kurta surta and I... in my track-suit, drinking tea as if we were buddies! Hahaha... No!

Ani chiya naw pee-yee kaw-naw.. I left... 'Keho timi haroo... janwar jasto.. halla gari raakho'..

Them room was silent wilent. The President was smiling. Them NSU students were like ... 'Who is this guy?'

I think I should have bitch-slapped like.. all of them hola! I didn't .. .and that was it!

Okay, now let's get back to the 'Prezzie goes to Bollywood' story! Hahahah!

President Yadav left by an Indian Airlines aircraft flight on Thursday rey! Hahah... hamro President.. and we don't even have our own NAC plane ... hehe! Kasari hooncha.. tuh?

The NAC chairman is facing them 'corruption charges' because he wanted NAC to have few planes slanes... Nepal ko natak... Rakhi Sawant lay jaa-nwos!

Anyways, our Prezzie will be India.. visiting them places slaces and then at the end.. it's them 'Rock Fest' in Delhi and meeting with them Desi President-ni, DJ MM Singh and the 'Italian Princess' Sonia Corleone!

And what will them Desis tell our President? They will probably say, "Hold on tight.. don't let your balls get out of your 'Dauraa-Surwal' and don't get scared by PKD ko bakwaas!"

The Desis know that our so-called 'New Constitution' won't get done on tyaam because .. them Professor S.D. Muni hasn't even finished his rough draft rey! Hahah.. Yes.. our constitution will be written by them Delhi-Wallahs!

Prof. Muni is them father of them 'Gana-Tantra Nepal' natak and them godfather of them 'Nepali Maoists' rey...

So.. this May... get ready for our first ever... 'Presidential' Rule.. .even if it lasts for a week and then India comes rolling down the hill... @#$!ing us all over again!

And .. sorry.. our President is not going to Bollywood Kyaaruh.... heheh!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Do we want a Prime-Minister?


Makune is enjoying his free ride... and our so-called leaders still can't decide who gets to be them Prime-Monster!

The next round of them election selection is scheduled for Feb 3rd.. and if no one gets them votes then they will have another round on Feb 5th and if that also fails then another another round on Feb 6th rey!


Hahaha... instead of wasting out taxpayers' money on them chiya kharcha and other foo-zool kharcha... why don't our leaders just like... do some kind of a lucky draw sheet!

Yes, 601 buffoons will get to buy them 'PM Bumper Prize' tickets and then .. Prime Monster and his or her Mini-Sinisters will be chosen from them lucky draw sucky draw or something!

I think it would be fun.... while we eat some soontalaa and badaam in the sun!


We all know.. that them Desi Bhais do not want them Maoists back on the top! Yes... some people like to be on top and some .. on them bottom sottom rey... but our so-called leaders... haroo chahi jahiley pani.. tip-top hola ni!

Prachandey is an ass-hola (hehe! ... only hola ni feri.. so YCL .. don't come to my house and burn them tyre syre feri!) and if the Maoists do want to get the top koorchi and loot some more from them Rastra ko Dhukuti then they should ask Dr. Saheb (BRB) to get into the ring.

The Desis like him a lot and when the Desi-babas says 'Yes... You Can!' then our Madeshi parties and them Kangaroos and them Unidentified Moronic Losers .. will have no choice but to support BRB!

Our politicians are like them 'street hookers' ... and I guess... India is them pimp simp hola ni! So.. them Pimp controls everything and if they don't listen to him... he slaps them and takes all them money rey! Tyehi nai hola hamro Neta haroo ruh Mitra-Rastra ko sum-bandha (relationship!).

So.. do we really want them Prime-Monster Sonster? The country is running fine... no batti, no paani, loot-paat.. so what's new?

I think we might have to bring Marichman Singh back and make him our PM hola! And Desi PM Singh would be like.. 'Arrey Paaji, you from Punjab .. as well?'

Abuh Naam nai 'I am a rich Man' bhaye pachi.. I don't think he would be stealing from our nation's coffers hola ni!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The Marshals are coming....


Them MPCO (Metropolitan Police Commissioner's Office) has set up them 'MARSHAL' team rey! Hahah.. Wild Wild West ma abuh kay kay set up.. Sheriff Wariff, Cowboy Sowboy... pani chaiyo ni!

MPCO wants to 'clean up' them Nepal Police ko image! Lau.. Ramrai kaam ho ni .. taruh Nepal ma tyehi ho... naya regulation haroo bancha .. ek dui mahina implement simply-ment ani.. tyes pachi.. back to 'mangalmaan'...

Anyways, them 'Marshals' are busy rey and them surprise check seck ma... they caught some (Chor) Police ... sleeping during duty hours rey!

Hahah.. nothing new! Our Cops are there to harass us from like 8pm till 10pm.. if you are like us, crossing them Bagmati Bridge Sridge to get home! Then they enjoy some drink srink and when them Marshals come.. they are found busy sleeping!

Abuh Jaado ma. 8-9 peg laga-ye pachi.. ani kasko bau lai nindra naw-laagos ni?

Ani arko checking ma chahi.. they found some Cops.. sleeping in them 'Police Van' maa.. ani uni haroo ko post ma gaako tuh... there was a chicken-farm pani rey! Hahahah!

Can't blame them low-level government employees... they don't get paid enough.. have to kiss them thulo hakim haroo ko arse .. and then.. they have to do some side-business sleaziness ni.. natraw kasari pet set paalney! ...

So.. when them cops are busy .. moonlighting as 'poultry farmers' ... then them burglars do have all the fun hola ni!

Next tyam.. please attend them 'Entrepreneurs 4 Nepal' ko 'Thursday' meetings @ Hotel Dwarika! Maybe our Cops will figure out .. how to provide security to them public as well as how to make money... by selling.. Chicken Noodle Soup and them Soda on da side hola!

And I hope our 'Marshals' will do something about our great 'Cops' @ Sorakhutte and Durbar Marg.. (Both get some piece of them 'Thamel' Action!)... who make tons of $$$ from them 'shady' and nite-life businesses in Thamel!

But we can't blame them .. can we? Them Inspectors @ Sorakhutte and Durbar Marg have to pay off like ... 20 lakhs rey.. just to get them posting .. kaslai?

30% goes to them top brass @ Nepal Police, 40% goes to them Home Ministry officials rey... and what about the other 30%... heheh.. we still don't know who gets them .. last ko 30%.. must be them IGP and the Home Minister or ... it might go to that chicken-farm!

Lau tuh.. Good luck to them .. Marshals! And SP Ramesh Kharel.. where are you? Hope you are reading some books sooks... while you are on your 'home leave'... "Mailey Dekheko Durbar" is a good read!


Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Hold Your Flag.....


Okay.. them hand-over natak is over... but them big news chahi.... The Maoists didn't hand over them 'PLA' flag rey! Emperor Prachandoo only signed them documents suck-u-ments rey!

Our leaders are very good @ signing them papers sapers! And Prachandoo Shamsher was about to hand them PLA ko flag rey .. then some 'bideshi' whispered rey ' Hey Man... no can do... u give them flag.. u loser .. dude!' ...

And then Prachandoo Uncle was like.. 'No Flag for you, Makune... or else I leave!' .. and Makune, had no choice... rey! The Show had to go on ... ni!

Poor Makune.. resigned like .. when Elvis was still alive..and he's still the PM See-Em' ... Prachandoo thinks.. now ... he has to be the 'Prime Monster' again.. because he has shown them world sworld... that Maoist want peace sheesh rey!

Dear Chairman, you don't have to show the world ... shit! Show us that you are really serious and not thinking of dancing with Rekha Thapa again! Next tyam.. dance garnoo nai cha bhaney... go to Amrika and do them 'dancing show' kyaaruh! Kay bhancha ni.. 'Dancing with them Stars' ki kay!

And now everybody is asking... well, not everybody.. maybe you and me maatruh hola... Who is them 'foreigner' telling Prachandoo .. not to hand over them flag slag?

We have them three 'Usual' suspects rey! First, tuh .. hamro Rakesh Sood... the 'Indian' Raj-Doot (bike jastai!) ... man, he was like .. them guy who got them 'SLR ho ki DSLR' camera samera.. for his birthday and he just can't stop shooting.. them picture sick-ture rey!

His Excellency Rakesh Bhoot.. the RajDoot was running around as if he was doing some story for them 'Time Slime' Magazine! And maybe... ek chin Prachandey ko mood kharab gar-dim naw bha-ney ruh.. daaka lay guff diyo holan ni!

Or might be them.. British guy.. Yes them... Great Britain-wallahs are very into 'tradition sradition' rey... or it might be them Amrikans! Them Amrikans were them first one to congratulate rey.. 'Great job Guys...... and now we leave it to them Indians to do whatever they want with you' rey!

Hahah... them only tyam . them Gringos left something for them Indians hola... ni!

And arko newz ma chahi... Standard Chartered ko ATM (Lazimpaat) ma kehi din agaadi... euta ATM-user lai loot-paat garyo rey.. 3-4 jaanaa chor haroo lay.. tyo pani 5 bajey diu-so!

Standard Chartered... next tyam.. please have some 'Chuck Norris' type ko guards suards haroo! Yeto atti nai bhayo.. ek hafta agaadi bank nai lootyo.. ani ATM chalau-ney manchey lai lootyo..

What's next? ... Abuh Standard Chartered ma Account bhaako manchey ko ghar ma loot-nuh auney ho ki kya ho.. Arrey Wo.. Mundul Saheb... jarra dekho kya ho ra ha hai.. or some shit like that!

Monday, January 24, 2011

Ek Cup Chiya..


...Was listening to them FM Safe-M program... talking about them local chiya pasal and stuff! According to them research, study, survey etiyaadi.. chiya pasal haroo ma 'Ek Cup Chiya' sang-awh Euta Churot Bikri hooncha rey!

Now.. I really had to find out .. yo mero jastai guff ho ki sacchai ho bhaney-raw! Had them meeting seeting @ Anamnagar... to raise funds for a local school in Dolpa! Ani Nepal ma yestai ho... meeting seeting Nepali Tyam ma soo-roo hooncha ni!

Ani wari pari hay-rey-ko tuh sabai 'local chiya pasal' maatruh! Lau... abuh muh pani Ek Cup Chiya ruh Churot tanney 'mood' ma!

Them local chiya pasal .. haroo .. very similar to them British 'Men's Only' Exclusive Club hola! The only naari present was them 'Chiya-Pasal' Sahuni! Ani muh pani basey.. Ek Cup 'Doodh-Chiya' ko laagi!

Two gentlemen... in front of me were talking about them 'Sabai Jagga ko Vow khattam bhayo' ... Yes, that's right! Two years ago... everybody was only talking about 'Jagga-Sagga'... my local butcher used to open his shop every other day because he was busy running around Bhaisi-Patty .. looking for them 'nice Jaggas' jahaa plotting slotting garnaw milcha rey!

Ani.. mero ghar agaadi ko 'Furniture Pasaley' tuh ... would open like.. once a week! Kinnuh bhanya tuh.. aroo din tuh .. Kathmandu Valley ma 'Jagga-hunting' gardai ma tyam bith-cha rey!

So.. two 'Jagga-Dalals' were busy bitching about 'how their business sleazi-ness had gone kaput' rey!... Ani uni haroo ko haat ma pani 'Chiya ruh Churot' ...

Tyes pachi, yeso agaadi tiruh harey-ko tuh Ek Hool (6-7) sarkaari karmachaaris talking 'politics soliticks' guff-suff! 'Abuh Rastrapati lay nai ho .. jay garnoo cha.. tyes lay nai garney ho ni'. Ani hamraa sarkaari karmachaari haroo pani sabai 'Chiya ruh Churot' ma ram-jham gardai! Ek Chin.. tuh 'Smokers Festival' nai soo-roo bhaa jasto!

'Now.. it's up to them President ... he will have to decide....." Our great (First and might be.. them last!) President is having a tough tyam. Bichara! I hope he's also busy .. thinking ... Chiya ruh Churot Taan-dai!

Ani muh pani 'Doodh-Chiya' ko swad lee-dai thiye.. euta 'Don' ayee-pugyo! Kaapaal lamo, mundra sundra laagaa-ko! Now.. there are only two kinds of people in KTM.. jasko kapaal laamo ruh kaan ma mundra sundra jhoonda-ko!

First group.. tuh hamraa Don Son bhayee halyo! Yes, everybody needs them 'Don-Wallahs' these days! Them Banks use them to collect them loan soan rey. School haroo ma 'tuh stand-by' rey.. if them parents or other parties come and want to trash the place for some reason! Ani.. Aaj Kal tuh hospital haroo ma pani 'Don Club' nai cha rey!

Ani Hamro Neta haroo ko tuh koora nai chod-dim nuh! Uni haroo nai Don ani aroo Don-Son paaley-ruh Rakh-chan! Sujata ko ghar ma.. chahi 30 janaa Don haroo tuh jahiley pani 'ready to rumble rey!

Ani.. second group.. chahi hamro artist sartist, music-photo-painting-sainting wallah haroo. Uni haroo lai pani Bela Bela ma hamro Nepal (Chor)Police lay dookhaw dinchan.. Don Son bhaney ruh!

Okay.. let's get back to the 'Don' ko visit! Them 'Don' and his 5 chamchas.. were there @ the Chiya Pasal for some Chiya-Siya! And Sahuni was ready with like 6 cup Chiya ruh 6 wata Churot!

Ani Ek Chin.. Don haroo ko Guff Soonay! Khaas gari Soon-nai pardai-naw.. uni haroo aa-fai Cell Phone nikalchan ani Phone ma ... gaali garchan!

'Ye Dai.. tapai lay bujhay-naw jasto cha... abuh muh nai aye-ruh bujhai-dim' ... rey

And then he started using all them 'words' he learnt in his school hola ni! Tero Mya Talai Mu, Parkhi Ra ko Cho' ... and Sahuni was like 'Whatever... as long as you pay for my chiya and churot.. I really don't give a @#$!' rey!

Don Son haroo tuh Chiya pani ram-raw-ri naw-pee-yee nai gayo tyes pachi! Abuh kasko khutta bhachi-nay bhayo Kathmandu maa! Hamro Desh ma fursat na-bhaa-ko ... yee Don haroo ruh Neta haroo matrai holan?

Mero Chiya pani sakiyo.. Churot pani! I went to them counter sounter...

'Didi... Kati bhayo?'

'Chiya ani.. kati wata Churot?'

'Chiya maatruh.. Churot aaf-nai ho!'

'Ye.. hya tuh sabai Chiya ruh Churot maatruh ho'

'Lau.. 10 Rs dinoos'

... Lau tuh mero pani Guff sakiyo... Tyo FM Safe-M ko Guff saachai rahecha... 10 minute basiyo hola.... 20 cup Chiya ruh 19 wata churot bikri bhayo Sahuni ko! Jai Hos!

Ani.. btw, two kinds of people ko kooraa ma malai.. Hamro Dai, C.S. Lewis ko die-log yaad ayo ...

"There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, 'Thy will be done,' and those to whom God says, in the end, 'Thy will be done."

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Hot Lemon Honey!


Prachandey Dai is all happy .. rey! Abuh .. handover sandover bhayo.. abuh tuuh Mero-paalo ho feri Raaja banney rey! Good Luck Prachula (as in Count Dracula!) ...

BRB was busy @ them Book Exhibtion Sexhibition (Oops.. where did the 'X' word pop up from?)... Maybe Dr. Baburam is planning to write another book sook hola! Babu ko PhD note sote ko kitaab was ..."The Nature of Underdevelopment and Regional Structure of Nepal- A Marxist Analysis" ...

Abuh 2011 ma chahi BRB should write a book 'Always First, Never Second.. but Prachandey Sucks!' hola... heheh.. and Naryan Wagle.. please step aside and make room for our Slim Shady... I mean.. Dr. Saheb!

And if our great Chairman did write a book-sook.. it would be 'PhD ChD.. I don't give a @#$!' hola!

Sujata's book would be 'I married a German, dumped him .. came back and made some moolah' hola...

What about Gyanu Uncle? ... We hear .. he is writing his 'auto-biography' rey.. but then he figured.. 'Hey... I might still have a chance' rey.. so I think Gyanu Uncle ko Book chahi 'Hey.. Wait a Minute.. I am not done.. yet!'.. hola!

Ani.. hamro Prime-Monster (Makune) ko chahi .. 'And I am Telling you.. I am not Going...' ... hahah!

Ani Kathmandu ...vary vary cold... and the moral of the story is : Never Drink 'Chiso Beer' jaado ma.. or else your ghaati dookhing .. the next day!

So .. I am back to 'Hot Lemon Honey' ... the #1 Jaa-Do ko drink in Kathmandu!

Saturday, January 22, 2011

What's Happening....


Nepal Rastra Bank is planning to replace them 'Raja ko tasbir' bhaa-ko notes by mid-March rey! Heheh.. lau .. NRB lai best of luck! Nepali tyam anoo-saar tuh we will still have them 'Gyanu Uncle' notes until .. like 2020! MRP tuh balla balla aah-ee-pugyo!

Our 'Hero' will have to spend another 15 days in jail rey! Yes, Devi Prasad will be eating daal-bhaat @ them Itahari ko Police Station ma for dui hafta... and hope he will be invited to Kathmandu by them civil group, YPC (Youth Pressure Campaign) and maybe we can all do a rally with Devi!

YPC organized a 'Lig-Lig' race on Friday! Dravya Shah may have won them race back in 1559 B.S. to become the King of Gorkha but ahiley ko scenario ma tuh.. BRB (Baburam) might win this race !

Really? Yes, PKD lai raati soot-noo agaadi 4-5 peg 'Black Label' piu-nay baani laagi sakyo. Sushil Koirala will need a wheel-chair + oxygen soxygen .. just to complete the race and Makune is only fit for six-a-side football rey!

Baburam does not drink rey. He only eats 2 rotis and saag rey. And usko BMI (Body Mass Index) maatrai normal rey aroo neta chor haroo ko sabai abnormal hola... haha!

Them PLA folks are now officially under them 'Special Committee for Supervision, Integration and Rehabilitation' rey... I don't know what this committee will supervise and rehabilitate... hahah!

Them AK-47s, rocket launchers and aroo bomb somb tu Maobaadi lay pahila nai look-a-yeruh raakhechan rey! Abuh kay ko supervision... tyam ma daal-bhaat khayo? Ani, bihan-aw PT CT khelyo? tyestai supervise gardai basnoos luh!

Abuh 'integration' ko koora ma... I think them PLA folks haroo should have their own force sorce instead of joining them Army, Police etiyaadi!

Ahiley haami lai 'Border Security Force' ko jaroo-ri cha! But it doesn't matter what I think or you think or them rest of the world thinks sinks! Ani rehab-sehab ko koora ma ... some people think we should send our 19,000 PLA folks to them Middle-East rey and let them work and make some dough rey! But Prachanda wants like... 10 lakhs each so that them PLA folks can start with some positive cash flow rey!

Yeta garey pani haamrai paisa oota pani haamrai... sabai hamro paisa maatruh lootnay bhayo yee neta haroo lay! Abuh harek PLA combatant lai 10 lakhs diye pani.. lastuh ma tuh uni haroo lay 1-2 laakh pauchan ani feri aroo sabai paisa chahi Party Fund Sund bhaney-ruh.. Prachandey Dai lay nai linchan rey!

BRB has now written his 2nd 'note of dissent' rey... does it matter? BRB can keep on writing and Prachandey will still be like 'I give no shit, u no get it' ..... abuh BRB should be like 'Okay, myaan.. I quit!' ... and then open his own party sarty hola!

Hope 'Devi' gets released from jail... and hope them so-called 'new' civil groups will stand behind Devi .. instead of organizing only them 'Lig-Lig' races ... baroo hami sabai NTC, NEA, NOC ko office ma gayeruh sabai haakim haroo lai slap garoom nuh, PM ko gaadi rokay-ruh Makune lai nai Slap garoom nuh.. hoinuh ruh?

Friday, January 21, 2011

The Slap heard around Nepal....


Devi Prasad Regmee slapped Party Chairman Jhalanath Khanal at a UML function somewhere in Itahari rey! Way to go Devi... we love you , myaaan!

Now.. we need more folks like Devi Prasad, our 'man' to bitch-slap all them stupid netas and their chum-chas! If all of us could like slap one neta .. at like 12:15pm on January 29th 2011... then even them Guinness People would be like 'man.. that was the 'loudest, baddest' slap(s) heard all around the world!

Now.. I am waiting for Hisila Didi to bitch-slap Prachandey dakoo... and hope our Nepal Police folks in Sudan will bitch-slap them IGP, Sujata and her sin-in-law when they get back to Nepal after they finish their 'peace-keeping' job in Sudan!

Them recent update is .. our Nepal Police ko kaam camp vitra chiya khayeruh basney rey Sudan ma.. why? Because them APCS don't work and they don't have them bullet-proof vests or aroo saa-muh-gri to do some policing solicing rey!

And Devi Prasad was them active UML (Unidentified Moronic Losers!) kary-karta rey then he got fed up and voted for them Maoist (like millions of us who voted for change sange hola!).

Now, what we need to do is.. invite Devi to Kathmandu.. them capital and then drive him around the Valley, shower him with ah-vir saw-vir, and like 10 ton ko fool-maala and give him like Naw-gawdh Puruskaar...

We have like 5million folks in them Valley rey.. so if we like each contribute like 10 Rupees each.. then Devi can go home with 50 million Rupees and maybe start a new venture hola! And we should destroy all them statue waa-choo and like have 'Devi Prasad' ko saalik everywhere!

Lau.. muh chahi .. 'Devi Prasad' ko photo euta T-shirt ma print garchoo.. agadi usko photo ruh pachadi chahi 'I slap you ... beeyaatch' bhaney-ruh lekhney kya!

Aajuh Friday.. the best Friday ever ... I will grab some Pizza and beer seer @ Fire & Ice with my coach and celebrate the 'Best Slap' ever .. or so far!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Revolt See-Volt ....


So what's new? .. Well, Nepal ko politics solitics ma yestai ho... milnay koora garcha ani.. last moment ma ayeruh.. hamro Prachandey Dada lay '@#$! you.. bitch' bhaneruh aroo party lai middle finger dekhai-dincha.. haha!

Lady Karin of Burundi went to them UN ko HQ in NY and told her bosses 'Due to 3 idiots.. ahiley ko scenario ma only 3 options left!'

First maa, Prezzie rule.. second my Army ko rule and third ma Prachandey ko rule rey!

Then our Prezzie Dr. RBY said 'I am for democracy semocracy.. I don't want to be Saddam' .. our NA ko Chief Shaap, General CSG said, 'No.. I am just a simple boy from Tanahun.. I don't want to be a Shree Tin Maharaja' .. ani lastauh ma PKD said, 'I was just bluffing kya.. yo people's revolt sevolt.. yetti-kai tarsau-naw maatruh guff dey-ko'

Abuh .. Kathmandu .. Maoists haroo ko bhela aur training (Bhrikuti Mandap) ma.. 5,000 karyakarta ko agaadi.. Prachandey says ' Yes.. be prepared.. we are going for them final revolt-sevolt' rey!

Kay ho.. Prachandey Uncle pani jawanaa ma Boy Scouts ma bharti bhaako thiyo ki kya ho!

Then.. BRB (Baburam) says '@#$ You' and leaves them Bhrikuti Mandap ko hall rey! BRB was pissed at PKD because uslay lekhey-ko 'note of dissent' lai Baal nai diyenuh bhaney-raw!

Ani.. Mrs. BRB (Hisila Yami didi) storms them podium sodium and does a 'Kanye West' .. haha.. but of course PKD is no Taylor Swift .. yo sandhar-vaw ma chahi!

Hisila Didi .. then starts her 'MIA'-ko jastai rap sap.. she blasts 'Prachandey' for acting like Kim Jong-Il Dai from North Korea.. and leaves the hall with them BRB ko supporter!

Hahah.. Them other so-called political parties are having lotsa fun kyaaruh! Let them Maoists fight it out.. kill each other and break into like 23 small party sarty rey!

India is also closely monitoring them situation rey. Them RAW ka people haroo are busy going back and forth.. .them KTM to Delhi flight tuh sabai RAW ka agent haroo lay nai bharchan rey!

And since them Maoists are no more .. in them jungle.. PKD lay pani BRB ruh Hisila Didi lai .. pahila jasto detention ma raakh-naw mildainuh!

Hamro Nepal ka party haroo yestai hoon! Now, BRB is planning to form his own 'Maoist' party rey. Deuba is also going to break away from them Kangaroos again! And what about them UML? Hahah.. them jokers don't know what to do! Makune is happy where he is... but the rest of the gang are busy.. yes.. fighting with each other!

BRB is right.. he is always right kya! Dr. Saheb tells us 'We can't just do that revolt shit and get away with it!' ... We have to make India happy or else.. we die! And China is not the answer .. and will never be!

Yestai Taal ho bhaney.. Prachandey Uncle will be going bald soon or usko ali ali seto kapaal abuh puraai seto hooncha! May ma naya constiution tuh kay naya Prime-Monster pani hoodainuh!

Then what? ... Tyes pachi tyehi ho.. either Prezzie RBY has to take over and then we have a new election selection something .. or them Army Chief will have to take over and be our 'Musharraf' or something or .. Prachandey will have to say 'That's it.. we taking over!'

But lastuh ma gayeruh tyehi.. if you don't make them Desis happy then you really can't do shit kyaaruh!

For the last 60 years, our so-called leaders (Rajabadi to Prajatantra-baadi to Maobadi).. have all been busy kissing them 'Desi' arse ... and now them simple BJs (our leaders are good at it!) is not going to make them happy rey!.. Hahah.. So all our leaders should now be ready to take it up their arses hola abuh tuh.. if they want to take over Nepal!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Six Days a Week!


Hamro Nepal ko labor sabor act anoosaar.. we have to work for like six days a week, 8 hours a day and we get only 'one' freaking day to relax chill-ax rey!

I think ... many years ago.. them Government did change them old schedule to a '5 working day say' in Kathmandu Valley .. but then .. I have no idea what happened... they scrapped it kyaaruh!

So.. we are back to them 'six-days a week' grind srind! But our government folks lai tuh every day is a weekend hola ni! Hahah.. Office tyam 10-5 bhaye pani.. they show up around 11:30 then after 1 or 2.. tyam for them khaaja break.. and by 4.. they are already on their way home!

Waa. kyaa mazza.. tyes karaan.. sarkaari jaagir is the best jaagir ever! Ani Nepal bandh sandh jo-dyo bhaney tuh.. yee sarkaari dakoo haroo lay dherai kaam garey .. barsa ma see-rif 100 din pani poog-dainuh! That's like not even 2 days a week..haha!

And for the rest of us.. we just do our thing from Sunday to Friday and then have Sanibaarey to ourselves! Nepal Bandh naw Sandh.. hid (walk!) bhai dai, didi bahini from Jawlakhel to Kathmandu Sahar-aw!

Them only folks who get them weekends off.. like them Kuirey-style are them INGOs ma kaam garney manchey haroo!

And today, after doing poll soll, survey kay kay banchan ni... here are them facts and figures!

What do our people (6-days wallah) do on them 'Sanibaareys'?

1. 43% of them folks.. just sleep in .. on Saturdays rey!

Abuh.. taruh if you look deep seep in to them numbers.. then we find out that .. tyo 43% ko 79% chahi.. they sleep in because .. they are out on them Friday Night.. ani hangover sangover lay garda.. Sanibaar tuh sootayruh jaancha rey! Ani tyo arko 21% crowd tuh... they just want to rest because God also rested on them Seventh day kyaaruh!

2. 27% of them folks... go out on some long-song drive srive.. yeso Kathmandu Valley ko bahira rey!

Abuh long drive bhanya tyo 'Dakar Rally' jasto hoinuh ni feri! Yeso... Dhulikhel samma... ki chai... Nagarkot .. ki chai.. Kathmandu ko wari pari ko dada haroo ma.. yeso family sanguh picnic sicnic hola ni! Kohi chahi family lai jhooka-yeruh .. afno gawlfriend boifriend ya mister ya mistress sangaw jaanchan rey.. hehe!

3. 20% tuh.. gambling, drinking, smoking and @#$!ing crowd bhayee halyo ni!

Yes ma parcha.. hamro Sarkaari hakim haroo ruh Jagga Dalals haroo.. haha! Sanibaar aye-ki.. 'Marriage' Khel-nay, Jaad dhok-nay, Masoo khaaney, till-till hoonay .. kya mazza!

4. Abuh baaki bhayo.. tee 10% ko! 10% just do ... nothing rey.. I mean.. nothing productive like... giving your liver some over-tyam job (Dherai Jaad pee-yer-uh!) or driving all the way to Nagarkot to drink some coffee soffee heheh!

Amrika ma bhanthyo ni (ki chahi koon chai ko theory ho!)... that 20% of them folks do them 80% of them Kaam rey! Hehe.. Nepal ma tuh tyo stats warts kaam laag-dainuh!

Yeha tuh.. them 10% of the people lay sabai kaam garchan and 90% of them buffoons take all the money soney and them credit as well!

Ho.. tyehi 10% haroo chahi Sanibaar kehi pani gardai-nawn rey.. uni haroo afno family samily sanguh baschan, khanchan ani guffa marchan! After all.. family is vary vary important.. hoinuh ruh?

So will we ever get to see them '5-din ko work week and Sat/Sun off soff thing' ever... the answer is never... unless u work for them multi-lateral, bi-lateral , kay kay lateral donor agencies.. ni!

And when them Sanibaar is your only day off ... then it's very hard to make any plans slans... if we all had like Sat-Sun off soff.. then at least we can catch the night bus to Pokhara on Friday evening.. Sanibaar bhari Lake-Side ma boating, beer-drinking and maacha-khaa-ing then Sunday afternoon ma Kathmandu waa-pus fur-king ni!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Falling in Love... Online!


I really don't get it... how do people fall in love... online rey! Manchey lay arko manchey sawn-guh 'chat sat' garey ruh ... line-maarey ruh .. side-haaney rauh.. pattau-chan.. ani tuh lob-sob .. .soniye!

I have never chatted in my life! Heheh... teyso bhanyo bhaney tuh ... ahiley ko jooni ma koon chahi Rishi-mooni ayo bhanlaan! Actually.. the last tyam I chatted satted was back when I was serving in them French Foreign Legion!

I spent few months chatting up (online) with a girl from Alabama... then she asked me for 200 dollars .. rent sent lai (natra uni ghar-bihin hoonay-chin rey!) .. online ma kay guffa-suffa bhaathyo mailey tuh mero saathi-ho bhaneruh uslai dui saya dollar pathai diye!

Then.. I got them email-semail a week later... 'Yo, u r a dumbass' rey!

Hahah.. no I am not making this up! Tyes Karan ... people... please be careful .. them girls from Alabama are dangerous.. hehehe .. or kay thaha.. might have been a guy pretending to be a girl hola ni!

Mero sathi ko cousin bahini ... tyeti bela Denver ma thiyo. Uni ko tuh jhan Chat ma ... lob sob maatruh hoinuh... euta Nepali keta sanguh pani biha siha bhayo kyaaruh! And few years later... divorce pani.. ani feri uslay 'Chat' Sat' ma nai arko boyfriend, tyes pachi lover, ani husband and asti bhakkar feri divorce bhayo rey!

How do you fall in love .. online? Real world ma tuh .. u have to meet the person. The guy will have to use them deo seo hola... ani Gel Sel lagayeruh kapal pani 'Current lay haaney' jasto .. thado sado! Them ladies will have to wear them face-paint (make-up).. as if they are getting ready for some war swar hola!

Yeee.. Malai yaad ayo.. Ek Jawana ma euta Sorority ko hero-ni sanguh date gaathey! Ani I asked her ... 'If you use too much make-up to make up then what do you use .. to make-out ni...?' ... Tyes Pachi.. she went on to be them 'lawyer sawyer' .. but she did teach me some 'kungfu-tips' on her way out! She has a JD and so do I .. kyaaruh.. not really.. but I am a member of the JeDi Council .. if that counts!

Abuh tip-top, chittikkuh bhaye pani.. then comes them hard part sart... you have to act like you are cool and conversation lai link gardai lanoo parcha kyaaruh! Natraw.. 5 minute ma nai dui jana choop-chaap, khana kapa-kup ani bye bye hola ni!

Online tuh.. jay guff diye pani hooncha ... and you get to use them emoticons haroo kyaaruh! Saachi ma bahnney ho bhaney.. ma justo lai tuh jhan online duniya faap-noo parney ho!

My friends tell me that I mumble when I talk .. and they can't really understand what the hell I am saying rey.. abuh online ma tuh .. it's just typing.. ani tyes ma tuh .. I am like .. tyo IQ-wallah haroo ko laagi MENSA bhanya jastai.. hami typist-wallah haroo ko TENSA ko Top 1% ma parchoo!

I type so fast that .. if I leave my laptop to get some coffee soffee, lunch sunch.. and come back.. tyo computer lay ajhai aafaai type gari-raako hooncha rey... mero typing speed tyeti saaro cha! Khoi.. kay bhanna khojya ho? Mailey Chuck Norris lai po samjhey bhakkar tuh!

I think them 'Online relationships' great-srate ho .. if them only be online ni.. heheh! Kahiley pani 'real world' ma bhetnoo parey-naw bhaney tuh.. world ko most stable or longest relationship ko list ma parcha hola!

Abuh jhan ahiley.. yo Facebook lay tuh tahalka nai macchai-sakyo! Them long-lost love reunited rey.. mannai parcha hai FB lai!

Mero Saathi ko pani kahani tyestai cha! Class 8 ma lob-sob paryo and then SLC dinay tyam ma tuh.. break-up sreak-up rey! Ani 10 barsa pachi Facebook bhanney pandit lay jodi milai-diyo rey!

Ani hamro tyo so-called TV ko VJ, radio ko RJ ani sports program srogram chalau-ney hero ko pani FB ma guff thokda-thokdai lob sob paryo rey! Lau .. ho bro.. congrats and hope the 'real world' will be as spicy as them 'online guffs'...

Monday, January 17, 2011

What's up with them Accent?


Some people have all the luck...rey! Some people will develop another accent when they are 20! Some people have like 3,000 Facebook friends!

I don't have all them luck suck.... I was in Amrika for some tyam ... and all I developed was them face ma rash sash... and it is here to stay till I die hola and last year I had 300 FB friends... this year .. it's down to 223... by 2014.. I will be left with like 5 friends hola .. heheh!

Today, we talk about them accents sack-cents haroo!

Yes, 90% of my Neprican friends speak with them Amriki accents but it's because them people have been there for 10+ yrs hola! Kaam ma kuirey sanguh boal-daa boal-daa accent nai change bhayo hola taruh what about them 6 mahina ki 1-2 barsa Amrika ma baseruh ani Nepal ma ghoomnuh aako manchey haroo!

Nothing wrong with speaking like them Amrikans!

One day... mailey bhaney 'Can I ask you.....' and the kuirey replied , "No, please don't axe me!' rey!

I speak too fast.. both Nepali and Angrezi and I know for sure (99%) that the other person don't really understand what I am saying ... nearly 75% of the tyam hola .. heheh!

Nothing against accent sack-cent! Mero Maiju ko didi ko chora was here .. for a month! The last tyam he was in Nepal was back when he was learning them ABCs hola!

Yes, he has the right to complain (and drink Complan!)... uslay bhaney ko pani... thikkai ho..

'Ya homie... whats up with them niggaz with thul-thulo ghars and them SUVs but no batti satti and pani saani?' rey... hahaha!

I don't think he is coming back soon unless Singapore invades Nepal.. hahah!

Saathi ko bahini was here in November. She's been to Amrika for like a year, school (as in College!) pawd-dai-chin uni! Uni ko accent tuh babaal... uni ko agaadi tuh Jessica Simpson sounds like someone from Calcutta!

Muh pani ek Jawanaa ma Amrika Samrika ma basya thiye ... and I come back to our beautiful country but I still have the same 'Govinda' accent. I must not have tried hard enough or just didn't care how I sounded like hola ni!

Bujay boojh natruh pee (drink) some more booze...heheh!

And them rednecks never really figured out what I said.. jhan NYC ma tuh.. u really don't have to speak Angrezi nai... Jackson Height ma 'Hindi-Remix' ani aroo thau ma 'Spanglish' ayo bhaney u get free coffee @ them Deli Seli... heheh!

Anyways, for all our Nepricans with less than 700 days in Amrika to their credit... please pleeze stop acting like them Amrikans kya!

I can understand.. if you .. .never did pass them SLC or 10+2 from Nepal.. and spent all them years abroad.. then of course you will have them accent sack-cent ....unless you spent all you tyam watching Tito-Satyo ...sent by your relatives from Nepal!

But .. Nepal ko dhulo&mulo khaayeruh.. SLC ma distinction haaney-raw, 10+2 ma pass bhayeruh ani Amrika gaako 1-2 barsa ma... Nepal ghoomnuh ayeruh ... 'Chya... I can't live here ...man!' chahi ali badi nai bhayo ni hoinuh ruh?

Ho.. maaney... Nepal mas basnaw gaaro cha nai... but Ek barsa kay Amrika gaako... Nepal audaa garo bhayo bhanda tuh .. hahaha!

And yes... You got to be careful in Kathmandu.. them vyaar-vyaar Mo:Mo: .. vary good but also vary dangerous if you speak with them Amriki Accent .. heheh!

Yes.. we are Nepalese and we do love to complain! Euta bhai was here for few weeks and he was pissed at them loadshedding nataks! Well, he's been living siving there since 2000 hola! Yes, he's not used to them living without them batti, paani or them Dunkin' Donuts heheh!

I have no idea where I am going with this.. nothing wrong if u speak like them Amriki, British or Desis... but mero tuh Nepal ma image nai khaarab!

My relatives tell me... 'Timi Amrika Samrika baseyko bhannai mil-dainuh... Angrezi tuh bolnaw audaina rahecha.. jahiley pani Nepali maatruh bolcha!'

Yes, Auntie.. you are right! Tapai ko chori gaako dui barsa bhayo.. abuh Skype ma tapai sanguh koora garda.. uslay bolya tapai lay naw-boojhney.. tapai bolay ko uslay naw-boojhnay... lau abuh tapai haroo sign-language siknoos hai!

So... them moral of them story eez: If you have them 'Amriki Accent' .. that's fine .. but if you don't have it .. then pleeze don't fake it .. kya!

Sunday, January 16, 2011

No one killed Jessica!


Rani Mukerji ... my favorite Bollywood actress of all tyam kyaaruh! Rani ko voice will make you go 'my Dil goes mmmm' kyaaruh and them 'darky' complexion is babaal!

But now Rani is getting old like most of us... and she has also started to believe in them 'gurujis' kyaaruh! Her Guruji has asked her ... to remove them 'h' from her last name rey! Abuh what's next? Get married to some NRN and settle down in Pasadena ki kya ho!

Rani ko last few movies have sucked big-tyam and I was really excited about 'No One Killed Jessica' ... was expecting two hours of 'swearing, yelling and beating' by Rani darling!

Vidya Balan is also in this movie... uha ko role as a 'simple big sister' ... jasko bahini gets shot in them Delhi ko 'private party' and she has to battle it out against them 'neta' ko chora sora haroo!

The movie is based on 'actual events'.. Jessica Lall was shot by some neta ko beta when she refused to give him a drink after them bar sar was closed rey! And tyes pachi ko kahani ma yo feelim banako-cha!

Rani is the 'It' girl (woman)... the new 'Desi' Wonder-Woman! She drinks, smokes, sleeps , swears and does everything that makes them Desi boys shit their pants kyaaruh! Hahah... if the boys can do it .. then why can't smart, independent women do what they want!

I was expecting some major 'cursing' and 'bitching' from Rani! Yes, few 'F-bombs' and Delhi's favorite gaali 'Behe@#$!@' is full on but as usual ali masala pugay-naw!

Our TV ka so-called journalists haroo should watch this movie... and I hope they get inspired by Rani Darling!

Be it them newspapers or TV or FM Safe-M ... we are still lacking them 'investigative journalism' BS in this country! Our media has become more like .. I don't know.. yes, I get it.. all stories need some investigation but we hope someday.. we will have our own 'Watergate' and 'Bofors' here in Nepal!

The last tyam, some journalist decided to do some 'real' investigation was back when Col. Bharat Gurung, IGP DB Lama and other great gangstas like 'Jagat Gauchan' and his men were busy running their 'crime family' sponsored by our late Ex-Prince, Dhirendra Shah!

Padam Thakurathi did his story on them 'thula mancheys' ... and what happened next? He got shot in the head ... and then Nepal Police were quite an efficient lot hola... they arrested the hit-man, Bikash Gurung and everything just fell into pieces!

Them Interpol pressured our Pancheys and the Royal Family to take some action saction! (not because of Padam only but them 'gangstas' were involed in all kinds of drug srug smuggling and moorti chor-ing nataks .. hamro Gyanu Uncle ko plan ma!)

Col. Bharat Gurung and IGP DB Lama were sent to Nakkhu Jail! Jagatey .. went to Japan and Bikash Gurung was sent to jails here and there! And Padam .. is still alive but has like a big ass boil on his forehead.. thanks to them goli!

Then .. Girija came to save us from them 'evil' pancheys and what did he do? He set them goons free... and he also gave back them property sroperty confiscated by then 'Panchey' government .. to Bharat Uncle and DB Uncle!

Today, them former Immigration ko office in Thamel is where 'Himalayan Java' is.. them property is worth more than 100 corores rey! What did Girija and his Congressi chors get.. they got like 10 corores from Bharat Uncle and he got his land sand back! Great deal...probably the 'deal' of the century nai hola ni!

Now, that's how we do them math here in Nepal. Property government ko naam ma bhaye pachi kasai lay pani khaana paye-naw.. abuh ulto feerta gareruh commission paye pachi .. jhan mazza nai mazza!

Uncle Bharat just withdrew and started to live a normal life rey.. but Uncle DB Lama then went on to become them MP from Rasuwa (Congressi Ticket) ma... tyo ticket ko price was like Rs 2.5 corores tyeti bela ko! And today, DB lama is still them President of them Ex-Police Sangathan or something like that!

What happened to Jagat Gauchan? .. hahah.. Jagat dai went to Japan and became some right-hand man for them Yakuza rey! Then when Gyanu Uncle came back for the second tyam to be them 'King is Singh' .. our Jagat dai was appointed them minister sinister.. hahah!

Bikash Gurung ... bichara dai.. he was just a patsy.. he is in and out of jail .. even today rey... after his 'hit-man' days got cut short ... he became involved in them 'sano tino' robberies around town and that was it!

Okay, now let's get back to Jessica! Jessica is a vary vary slow movie... and you might get bored, waiting for some action saction ... I was waiting for Rani to strangle some guy or bitch-slap her boss or something!

It never happened.. but at the end of the day, this movie is jay bhaye pani ... inspiring and hope our TV journalists do have the heart to take up issues where them 'thulo mancheys' are killing innocent people and getting away with it!

Everyday, our people are abducted, murdered , raped and what not.. our media just reports them stuff and that's it! Even when them reporters, be it print, TV or Radio.. are murdered by our political goons.. our media don't want to rock the boat by fighting it till the end!

So, media-wallahs ... please wake up and do something ... hit them where it matters (haha. HitsFm ko po yaad ayo!)... our politicians have stopped listening to us (well, they never have!).. and you guys are our only hope!

Stop printing them 'political nataks' .. instead just publish them 'facts & figures' on who made how much and where... please make us aware of how our own leaders are on them payroll of them foriegn embassies... etiyaadi!

Hoonuh tuh ... yesta koora haroo publish naw-bahyeko hoinuh... khoi hamro neta haroo lai kehi affect saw-fect naw-par-ney rahecha... kyaaruh.. but don't lose hope.... you got to fight till the end... report , print them 'under-the-table' nataks till them politicians and sarkaari hakims can't take it any longer and all of them commit some group Hara-Kiri or something.. hehe!

Lau.. filmy review lekh-choo bhanya tuh kay kay po guff thokay-choo mailey tuh! No One Killed Jessica is B+ ... don't miss it... but next tyam we want Rani to do some bad-ass movie where she kicks neta haroo ko arse and makes Hrithik or ShahRukh look like some gigolo or something!

And btw.. 'Dilli Dilli' is like ... a really 'jhakaas' song.. it makes you just get up, fly to Delhi and kick some Delhi ko 'thulo manchey' ko arse... but oops.. I forgot.. we are not Desis.. hahaha!

Saturday, January 15, 2011

How to rob a bank?


I was across them Standard Chartered Bank, Jawlakhel ...drinking some coffee-soffee .. and one of the staff was getting all excited as if he had just won some bumper prize from them 'SMS' thing on TV or he finally hooked up with his 'baccha ko bela' ko sweetheart hola ni!

'Ye Bank sank tuh lootay cha rey' ...

Standard Chartered Bank, hamro Nepal ko #1 jastai ho kyaaruh! Two guys , one helmet ma rey arko muffler lagayeruh bank vitra gayo. Ani tuh... pee-stole dhekaye cha ani euta sano 'bomb somb' jastai kay ho padka-yecha!

Ani 14 laakh NRs liyeruh Bank baatuh niklay cha rey! Them parking spots .. Jawlakhel ma chahi.. hamro 'sign languge' dai bhai haro kaam garchan. Bichara ley paisa magey ko tuh.. ulto pee-stole po dekha-ye-cha rey!

Visit Nepal 2011 has started out with a bang kyaaruh! Well, a small bang.. them 'bomb somb' lay kehi pani bhayenaw rey.. see-reef 'dhwang tyang' sound ayo rey.... no chay-ti poor-ti rey!

Them Nepal Police arrived as if they were out on a walk. No 'SWAT' team .. nothing.. ajhai 'Paan Paraag' khayeruh basi-raako thiyo uni haroo tuh!

Across the river.. Kathmandu ma chahi.. Rangasala ma dhoom-dhaam VNY 2011 ko 'opening act' ... bato sabai jaam! Next tyam, please do them 'opening' programs .... kunai daada saada ma! How about Nagarkot? Hami Kathmandu ma basney janta lai tuh 'tension' kum hooncha ni!

Lalitpur Police ko SP was like 'We were there in two minutes' but they called us only after 5 minutes rey! So ... in less than 7 minutes... them two bank robbers (bike maa!) were probably somewhere in a local bhatti, drinking 'kodo' and 'choela' hola ni!

Standard Chartered tuh jhan multi-national bank sank hoinuh ruh? Euta ... Alarm pani chaina.. tyo hoon-cha ni... 'button' press garey pachi siddhai Police kaha 'dhwa dhwa' garey ruh bajney!

Laau.. kehi chaina... somebody had a good 'Friday' night! 14 laakhs is like 20,000 US$ ... baroo pahila nai mailay pani thaha paako bhaye.. yee dui jana bank robber haroo lai mero 'feelim' ko proposal pani dinthay ni ... thyakka bank ko baa-hee-raw .. hehehe!

Hope next tyam, them security guards will be more 'aware' hola ni! You should always ask them so-called customers to take off their helments, mufflers, mask sask etiyaadi! At least CCTV ma tuh 'anoohar' ramro sanguh dekhin-cha hola ni!

And one of them guards did try some 'WWF' Head-Lock thing rey.. taruh abuh pee-stole nai dhekai diye pachi.. kasko bau ko kay laagcha ruh!

Somebody get them guards some 'TASER' ... bhanya ho mailey mero Neprican saathi haroo lai... Nepal ma 'TASER' supply garney company khola bhaneyruh.. baal nai didai-nun abuh koon din chahi hamro Marwaari sahuji lay tyo pani bechha New Road ma... hare-dai jau naw!

Anyways... Hope our Nepal Police don't harass them security guards and them Bank Employees too much! Nepal ma Yestai Ho... lootnay arko hooncha, Police nay Care-Kaar bhaneruh chahi aroo haroo lai dhookaw dinchan kyaaruh!

Hope we have a great 'Visit Nepal 2011' and them 1 million tourists do come to Nepal! And hope them two bank robbers get to enjoy the loot... because if they are caught and they end up in Nakkhu Jail for another 10 years.. jhan nai aapawt!

Kinnuh? Hamro Nepal ko Jail is like a 'training ground' for better and bigger things to loot kyaaruh! Aajuh 14 laakh lootyo tee dui daaka haroo lay , pachi jail batuh chootay pachi 14 corore nai lootnay classes sabai attend gari sakeyka hoonchan ni!

SP Bikram Thapa, stop driving around late at night (drunk) and looking for other drunks kya! Ani tyo 'motorcycle' ma chadney police haroo ko kay kaam lagyo abuh! 'Mobile team' rey... 1:30pm ma nai lootnay manchey haroo lay 1:30am ma tuh jhan kay kay garney ho?

1:30am ma tuh .... raksi lay fit-fit bhayeruh.. 'It's the tyam to Disco' bhandai naachi raako hola ni ... katai tiruh!

Ani arko guff chai: Nepal Police kai police haroo pani milay-raw lootya ho rey! hahah.. Nepal ma kehi hoo-noo hoodainu.. them 'conspiracy theories' haroo aafai pop-up hoonchan! Taruh.. who knows.. Nepal Police nai #1 chor bhaye-pachi... anything is possible ni!

So, how do you rob a bank.. Nepali eestyle? Go there on Friday.. around 1pm when they close them front door-soor... always wear a helmet or wrap yourself with a muffler, blanket slanket etiyaadi.... pee-stole is important otherwise Nepali folks are not that scared with sticks, knives and ping-pong balls!

Be calm and quiet, approach the counter then.. go on a rant... shout and scream, 'paisa dey paisa dey' ... not like them Jogi babas ni feri... 'Be loud, point your pees-tole at everybody' , take the money, run and fly away! .. kyaaruh!

Friday, January 14, 2011

The Porter!


Euta Neprican Bhai is leaving for New York tomorrow!.... His dui hop-tey vacation is coming to an end kyaaruh but now he is having a tough tyam, trying to convince people to stop asking him for favors!

What kind of favors ... you might ask... it's them 'samaan' law-gee-dinay stuff ni! Hahaha... oota baatuh au-da pani aroo ko saa-maan liyeruh aam .. abuh jaada pani sabi aroo ko saa-maan liyeruh jaam!

And now let's get to them list cyst: What them folks send ..our NRN porters haroo chahi.... 'nai' bhannuh pani naw-mil-nay... haha... 'We are Nepalese... We just can't say 'No' kyaaruh'

1. Wai Wai chow chow (1 boxaaa!)

Please Auntie... don't send them Wai Wai chow chow ni.. tyo sabai Chinese Store ma ruh Aaj Kal tuh New York ma nai 'Nepali' store haroo ma 'Nepal' kai Wai Wai boxaaa paucha kya!

2. Poos-tuh-kaari & Choorpis!

First of all, them +++ yrs in Amrika will make them 'Nepali' teeth sabai softy lofty ni... no longer able to chaw-paa-ing them Choorpis or Poos-tuh-kaaris! And it doesn't look good when your son goes to them office and his supervisor sees him with some kind of a big arse (internal) boil on them cheeks ni!

3. Moorti Soorti!

Please.... your son should not be reminded again and again that he comes from the Land of Buddha or Lord Pashupatinaath ni! Please read them 'Laxmi P. Devkota' ko poem again and again.... bhagwaan tuh afnai vitra hooncha rey kya...

And talking about soorti ... yes some parents do send them 'Khainis' and what not. Must be them 'Good Parents' .... very very understanding and thoughtful hola ni! Abuh Chora lay soorti nai khaancha bhaney ... Nepal kai khaa-wos ni tuh!

4. Jhool (aka Maw-cher-daani aka Mosquito Net)

Why in the name of 'Chuck Norris' ... do them parents think NYC is full of them 'dengue virus cyrus?)... Hamrai Terai ma ho kya tyo sabai maw-cher ko bhela hoonay thau tuh!

Or maybe the lucky 'Jhool' recipient must have gotten lucky hola... got attacked by them 'rogue' mosquitoes haroo ho ki kya ho?

5. Dhoop, Soap and Pashupati ko 'White Candy' aka 'Seto Parsaaad'

Hya... tyo Patel Brothers ma 101 dhoop paucha kya... ani saboon pani... Amrika ma sabai skin ruh mood ko laagi pani saboon paucha ni... and I think them Parsaad khaa-dai ma ... 'chora' lay khaako 'Double Whopper' ko paap may-tee-dainuh ni!

6. Photo Albums and them CDs!

Facebook ko jawanna ma abuh 5kg ko Photo Album kay kaam ho tyo pani Amrika ma.. baroo tee sabai photo haroo lai 'digitize' garey-raw FB ma nai upload gardey hooncha ni! Ani... tapai ko Chora lay 'Nepali POP' geet ko CD soon-aw chodi-sakyo kya!

Nabin K. Bhattarai ruh Nima Rumba abuh ... thikkai thikkai laagcha rey! Ani Aaj kal fan san haroo lay sabai geet nai Youtube ma upload pani gardin-chan ni!

7. Undies....

Hya terrri kaa. abuh kaha katoo shut-too pathai raaha bhaneko... Amrika ma 'Fruit of the Loom' ruh 'Hanes' jindaabad ni..

8. Titaura, Moola ko achaar ruh Sukuti!

Yes, some gals (women) like titaura a lot.. it reminds them of their 'lost love' rey... .and some guys like 'Moola ko achar' rey.. it reminds them of something else rey... ani Sukuti.... Amrika ma tapai ko chora .. chori bhoko basya chai-nun-kya!

9. Nepali Veet-tay Patro!

Abuh sabai koora online ko jawaana ma.. kaha tapai ko chora /chori lay Nepali date sate vitaa ma taaleruh time pass garchan bhanya! Ho ... Birthday Angrezi date ma maw-naa-yeruh kehi bigri-dainuh ni... Abuh feri Nepal date ma pani arko party dey-laan tuh Chora lay!

10. 'NEPAL' t-shirts!

Pleeeaaase... stop sending them 'NEPAL' t-shirts kya.... abuh koon bela launey chora lay. 1974 AD ka dai bhai haroo lay gaaun-they ni.. 'Yo mun tuh mero Nepali ho' ... ho... hamro mun sun 'Nepali' bhaye pugay-naw ruh bhanya?

Abuh tyo t-shirt Kaam ma law-gau-naw mil-dainuh... ghaam ma tuh uslay 'NFL' jersey law-gaa-yeruh hidchan rey! Baroo.... Nepali Topi 7 joad pathai-dinoos... ani lagawos uslay harek din... 7 train ma [NYC]... ani kay bhancha khairey haroo.. 'Wa rey... Hamid Karzai ko eklo choro pani Queens mai bus-dough rahechan ni!'