Sunday, June 21, 2009

Office Tyam Bandh!


Our Maobaddie brothers and sisters are now busy with their 10 am -12 pm KTM Bandhs! I don't know if that's a good thing or bad? After all, our sarkari folks never go to office on tyam and neither do they do any work... anyways, I think the Mao Inc. is just trying to cut some extra costs becoz full-time bandh garna tuh full-time tyre-burners pani tuh chahiyo ni, hoina?

Mr. Lion Brave Deuba came in second place... bichara! After our Girija (The Native American translation would be 'Let him Fall') Babu finally chews his last Vanarasi paan then Deuba can finally split the party again and go his own way! Deuba is a lucky man!

During the 'Panchey Baja' days ... our cops (yes, the same monkeys!) decided to play a 'fry the tongue' torture game! That's why our Deuba (Give Father!) speaks like the dentist pricked him with Novocaine! But I hear Deuba is really good @ going down under. Yes, I also want a Novocaine Tongue! Well, at least we can thank our Nepali Cops for satisfying someone!

Let's get back to our Mao Inc. organized crime family! According to our Kukhurachor Guptachar Bivag (KGB) agents, Prakash Dahal (Shield or the protection you use when you are playing bed-kung fu!) has already bought himself a nice 10-ropani Jagga in Kathmandu! Congrats Prakash Dai... you have made it big!

In my next life, I want to go to Rampur Campus, then work for USAID , drink buffalo milk, watch Karishma Manadhar ko movies and then jan-ma-O a nice chora, who gets drunk and knows how to use a computer so that I can hire him as my personal computer operator and then give him a nice 10-ropani ko jagga!

And so what if we go around, beating people up for drinking and sleeping with aroo ko boodies! After all, we are humans... we all want some booty and Prakash Dahal left his wife for aroo naari! Prakash Bro... you are the real deal!

We all know that our 'new' constitution is already written and ready to be printed... yes, you can call Delhi and ask our Desi bhais! And Uncle Gyanu is planning to do his 'Academy Award' Speech on his 62nd B'day rey! Maybe he should tell Prakash Dai... sorry... Paras Dai to lay low (maybe hang out with J-Lo!) and enjoy Singapore Sling or something ... for now!

Or maybe we can ask the British to come back and win their war and finally give us hill stations, highways and railways and maybe ... I don't know ... we can't go back to the past. We have to move forward but so far, thanks to our Maobaddies and aroo sabai parties... we don't think we can move even an inch when we are sinking in this quicksand of 'dirty' politics!

What's new? Nothing.. same shit... every day!

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Jumbo Cabinet!


Makune is having a tough time making everyone happy! Well, in this case everyone means 40+ thula netaharooz from all them sano parties! I don't know how long this so-called government will last. The Mao brothers and sisters lasted 9 months!

So is life better now than 9 months ago? I don't know... a new born baby is born after 9 months... but thanks to our netas, the baby will either have to move to Qatar to dig ditches or to Amrika for further studies depending on his/her parents' ko economic haalat!

Looks like we will be getting 45+ mini-monsters, 1 Prime Monster ... so that means more gas-guzzling SUVS for our netas! What about us? We will have to be happy with the smoke from them tyre-burning nataks from the opposition!

More than 60% of the so-called development budget is freezing somewhere in Antarctica! General Khadka will be going home this Sunday.... Cut-2-Wall will be around till September! Terai will shutdown ... no rain, no gain... only pain!

Our YCL brothers are now going around town... threatening folks with more shock & awe natak! They say 'If only Uncle Prachu gave us the order, then we will burn KTM and take over within 24 hours!'... yes, why not do that?

What r u guys waiting for? Yes, go for the final attack... aar ki paar! Burn down the roof... so that we can all move to Bagmati and join the squatters! After all... thanks to our government hakims and good-for-nothing politicians, KTM has become a slum and yes all the Kathmanduites... we are Slumdog millionaires!

Karod ko ghar tuh cha... tara na paani cha, na bato ramro, no security... food prices rising like crazy... we are tired of all this natak! The NA and PLA should fight it out ... once and for all so that we can finally... either die or live peacefully ever after!

KTM maa temp is hitting 33-34 degrees... not the foreign-high-t... it's sells-C-yes!

When it was 16 hours load shedding, ali ali paani authyo... now only 4 hours and no paani... please let's go back to 24 hours load shedding and a little bit more paani!

Aaja biha ko bhoj ma jaanoo cha... single ladies lai side hannu chaa... tara shower lina paani chaina... so I will be smokin, drinkin and stinkin... and if they ask me ... who are U? I will just say.... 'Excusez-moi, Je suis Francais' or something like that!

Enjoy the hot and humid weather! This is the time to join some health club... try the 3-month membership deal! At least swimming and showering garna tuh pai-een-cha!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

@#$!ing Fundahs!


Have you heard of the Nepal Defance Army? Well, it's them same folks who carried out the Catholic Church (pressure-cooker!) bombing recently! Yes, the Nepal Police did manage to arrest this lady and that's about it!

Our leaders talk about this and that but the only people who are secure are our leaders thanks to our taxpayers money and the heavily-armed APF folks!

Sometimes, I wish them Maoists would go back to the Jungle so that we would only have to deal with only one other army and not like nowadays, where we have more than 101 different so-called armies, all fighting for their 'people?'!

The Nepal Defance Army.. well the guy who took the printing job should have used the Spell Checker stuff. It should have been 'Defence' but who cares about spelling mistakes! These guys are now demanding Lakhs of Rupees from the local churches and other Christian establishments!

What for? Well, it's the usual crap... for their own brand of 'revolution' ... that is ... to bring back the 'Hindu-Rastra' tag and maybe ask Gyanu Uncle to be Lord Vishnu once again!

Nothing wrong with that... we live in a so-called democracy, republic batawaran ... we all have to fight for our rights but bombing churches and threatening them with violence if they don't give these arseholes lakhs of Rupees is nothing but another copy-cat strategy from the Maoist playbook!

Yes, we have to thank Prachandu Uncle for this natak! But the Maoists don't care... they are not here to provide us security, better jobs and affordable food prices. Their only job is to feed their own PLA folks, make more money and capture the state or whatever they have memorized from Mao's Red Book!

All our netas talk about secular this and secular that... but these people have always been good @ talking BS! Thanks to the Maoists, our own people are now refugees in their own land.

If the so-called government or even our Maobadi (another so-called government!) brothers and sisters don't care about us and kick the Nepal Defence Army ko arse then Nepal is not only going to have to deal with ethnic daang-doong but we will have to deal with them 'Holy Wars!' as well ... I guess we are going to be Little India!

The Indians have always been good @ this. We should ask the Sikhs about 1984, the 1993 Hindu-Muslim riots, Gujrat, killings and driving away Christians in Orissa... well, our Politics is all Desi and I guess now our militant outfits will follow them as well!

One of the Maobaadi comrade killed himself... drinking rat poison or something and the Maoists shut down the whole country! But one crazy Hindu-baan blows up a church killing innocent women and children but none of these so-called political parties care!

Yes, this is New Nepal. We can't expect our leaders or their chamchas to help us. The Police is more chor than the local chors! I always thought the NRA was nothing but angry, gun-loving rednecks but I think it's about time we open a local chapter here!

Yes... if the state can't protect us then we have no choice but to protect ourselves! The BJP can have Gyanu Uncle and make him the Emperor of Bharat and the Nepal Defence Army can go to India and maybe fight against the ISI and their Islamic fundahs!

This is just the beginning... things are only going to get worse! There will be more attacks against churches and Christians! And our government will as usual ... act as if nothing happened!

It's the same story in Madesh as well... there are 14 different Madeshi militant outfits... life is getting difficult for Pahadi folks! We are human beings... even if we think we are not racists ... we are! We like to hang out with our kind, sometimes it has to do with jaat or bhaat or whatever!

The only thing that can save us is a strong government, strict law and order.... WTF am I talking about? We don't have a government ... we don't have any laws... we live in a jungle!

I guess it's the survival of the fittest! We have two options... either we just shut up and watch our brothers and sisters get killed or we fight back so that we can all live in peace! So it's about time we fought back... if we don't ... then first they may burn the Christians, then it will be the Muslims then the Buddhists and then they will come for their own kind!

Hamro so-called government is only good at giving us them 'saanobhuti' or something like that. Abuh tuh yo Republic ma.. shouldn't we have the right to believe in our own faiths instead of being forced to either pay them 'hafta' or get bombed by some lunatics?

And if the government can't promote ethnic and religious harmony then ... yo government ruh chor neta haro ko kay kaam?

If this is the beginning of the end then I want to go out fighting... but the problem is... fight garna pani paisa chainey.... saala sab pasia ko khel ho! Maanchey marney lai pani paisa... manchey bachauna pani paisa!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I Want My Money Back!


I have no idea what's wrong with our netas but I think they should all go to that Eye Hospital and see Dr. Ruit! When will we all wake up and say 'Enough is Enough' and then ... I don't know ... deport them all to India!

KP Oli is in Delhi! I guess our hospitals are not good enough for our leaders! But we shouldn't blame them... if I had free medical, housing and nearly everything - benefits like our netas then I would also be flying to Delhi, Bangkok and Mars!

Suzata says 'Our Desi brothers are okay, we have no problems @ our borders!' ... maybe she should go to our borders and live there for a week! And probably do an 'item' number for the Indian BSF-wallahs... Maybe then she will understand but we are Nepalese... our leaders will BS us all the time and we are okay with it!

I don't know why people think Java is a cool place! You can come to my house, I will serve you better drinks, customer service and free wi-fi without trying to be hi-fi! What's the catch? I don't know but let me come up with something! After all, kooch paaney kay liya kooch khona padta hey rey!

#@$!ing Bollywood... hamro Nepali ko dimag nai Hindi bolcha! Yes, we should suport Nepali movies but if you know somebody who owns Jai Nepal then can you please call them up and get me my refund! Yes, I want my money back! Mission Paisa is the worst Nepali movie ever!

Mission Paisa bhanda tuh Bhuwan 'Lover Buda' KC ko 'I will die without you' is much better. No, I didn't leave @ half-tyam. I was the only one left when the final credits started rolling but I am never going to watch any movie by these music-video wallahs! Pugyo Bas! (Bas = Bhusan, Alok , Simos!)

Nothing against these Bas-guys but please decide if you want to produce 'Snickers' or them 'Godiva' ko truffle shit! Either make a full-on Masala-mix daang-doong movie so our Micro-bus drivers will enjoy or make them artsy-fartsy stuff that nobody understands!

Mission Paisa would have been much better if they had followed Bhatt-uncle's formula! Yes, if you don't have any story then have the hero and hero-ni just kiss each other every few minutes! Maybe you can even do a Kissing 101 thing. The first 20 minutes for simple kissing... nidhaar ma, akha maa, gaala maa!

Then another 20 minutes for arm-kissing, dhaad-kissing, khoota-kissing! Then after half-tyam, go for the Arabic coffee... Belly maa, then Americano .. lips maa and then the final climax go for the French Press or something!

Okay, Merina Manadhar has always been an eye candy but what the @#!$ is Alok Name-bang doing with that 'item number' ... C'mon ... Alok , nothing against your x preference but you can't fool us! Next time, dance with Nikhil Uprety and maybe do a grinding thing... we won't even care or even notice your 'soft' moves!

Well the mission was to get our paisa! And you guys did it.. well you had my paisa! Next time, just get Bhuwan KC to be a dirty old man and maybe Nisha whatever to be a Lolita or something!


How about a sequel? Mission Dollar or something! Yes, follow Swami Bhattji ... just make a copy of 'Indecent Proposal' and we won't say a word!

It's about time the Nepalese ppl beat the shit out of our netas and remind them that 'we want our money back!' and for the Mission Paisa folks... I would like to say 'Life is a Lemon & I want my money back!' ... dialog pani Meatloaf sanga chor-noo parney!


Monday, June 15, 2009

Tyres, Fire & for Hire!


Another KTM Bandh! Two weeks ago, our 'Newa' folks started a new trend... hawa-fuska-ing the cycle-wallahs! I was thinking of getting myself a second hand mountain-bike so that I could cycle my way to KTM during them bandhs but now they are not even going to spare the cyclists!

Okay, one of them Maobaddie comrade got whacked. Shit happens! But why the hell are these so-called 'People' warriors venting their anger against us , the public? We have nothing to do with your deals, meals and wheels... so please leave us out of your so-called 'battle for civilian supremacy' natak!

We don't care if Cut-2-Wall or Gutkha becomes the NA Chief. At the end of the day, all you arseholes are busy giving blowjobs to our Desi bhais! Hamro border pani desi bhai lay khana lagyo, hamro didi bahini haroo lai balatkar garney but our leaders don't care. Yes, Swami MJ was right ... 'They don't really care about us!'

I think the Maoists are running out of new schemes or extortion plans! Pahila tuh truck ka truck ... gauley haroo KTM osha-rera Din ko 500-1000 chiya kharcha diyara Bandha hoonthyo ... but today's Bandh was more like 12 year olds with latthi and tyre baal-ing! Where have all the rebels gone?

Well, they are busy planning their next move! Comrade Kiran wants a hostile takeover... Prachu Uncle is 'Let's wait and see' ... and Gyanu Uncle is 'Kooching!' and Suzata is planning her first overseas trip as foreign minister! I want to give her a vibrator for her next birthday... if she doesn't want me!

And the police-wallahs should stay inside and play cards or something ... please don't waste our taxpayers money by driving around Kathmandu and doing nothing! If you can't do shit then just stay home like the rest of us!

I don't understand why the Maobaddies are blaming the cops for not taking any actions! When you kill others then it's for the people but when someone gets one of yours then you want to shut down the country! Good job, guys... I hope Prachu Uncle doesn't choke on his own venom becoz then our Maobaddies will burn down the whole country!

Every ten years... we give our so-called leaders another chance and as usual, they screw it up and invite the Right to jump in and steal the cake. Does it make any difference, left or right ... you can pleasure yourself either way, can't u?... oops I think I have been watching too much Health Education stuff!

I hear.. there is another bandh tomorrow! Maybe it's just another Halla but may our Maobaddie comrade (who was whacked ) ko soul rest in peace! And once again .. thank you Prachandu Uncle for showing us your true colors! You are no different than our Confused Kangaroos, Unidentified Men/Ladies or even the Mandalays!

Maybe our cumraids have watched too much Tony Montana! Yes, yes... first u get the money then you get the power then you get the women! Yes, you can have Suzata!


Sunday, June 14, 2009

No Respect !


I took a barta from blogging... and my bhudi is now as big as them hakim sahebs' haroo ko bhudi! I now have a nice bhaat-belly thanks to eating with your hands! After 16 years of trying to be a European (eating with chamcha and kaata!)... I said to myself... '@#$! it' ... aba chai haat lay khana khanuh siknoo paryo!

I get no respect! I was walking near the Palace... err.. Narayanhiti Shangralaya and this @#$!ing bee just came out from nowhere and stung me! And then I walked around with a kheel in my neck!

I don't know what's with our KTM ko parewaz? I was on my way to a blind-date and this time, I finally decided to be man enough to wear Pink. Yes, Pink is my favorite color... I think the guy with them funny lips from Air-O-smith said that!

Then, this Parewa just did its thing on my lovely Pink T-shirt and I got some on my neck as well! Aba Keti sanga coffee khana janey ki ghar ma nooh-haun-uh jaaney? This is what happens when you expect a love-bite but instead get attacked by our birds and bees!

I think I should ask all our NGOs working for so-called bird/nature/whatever conservation to take care of the business! Maybe they can get some extra dollars from so-called 'save our earth' people!

Suzata is our foreign minister! This is Nepal... if you are nobody then nothing is possible but if you belong to the ghoos-khori families then anything is possible! I like Suzata. Suzata has that 'boy... I will eat you alive' look!

I have to call her PA and ask her if she's into younger men! After all... phokat ma bidesh ghoomna tuh pai-ee-ncha! And of course Bidya Bhandari is our Defence Minister! Although her love-story with KP Oli is still going strong... Bidya is a hot looking auntie!

It's about time ... our naari leaders fought for the 'older' women rights ... to be with younger men! After all... I am sick of our KTM Lolitas and them businessmen. How about our political ladies and slackers like us? Yes, a nice combo... oh... I miss them BK's double whopper!