Saturday, May 30, 2009

REPUBLIC!


Happy 'Rip-Off-the-Public' Day to all our politicians, sarkari hakims and the rest of the janta ko ragat chus-ney Vampires!

Our netas are having all the fun while we are barely surviving... I guess that's what all this democracy and republic crap is all about! And on Monday, It's Kathmandu Bandh once again... this time it's the 'Newa Rajya' folks!

I always thought Democracy was about living your own life without the so-called leaders telling us what to do... but thanks to our nautanki netas... and their own version of 'them-o-crazy' nataks... Nepali democracy is about fighting for power and making tons of money for your own party and karya-kartaz!

The Maoists are once again talking about 'baby king' conspiracy! Yes, this is the land of 'conspiracies'... I was having my usual 'vodka & sprite' @ this bar in Baluwatar and them old fogies were talking about the 'Royal Massacre'!

I guess some of us still live in the past. Jay bhayo ... bhayo ... get over it! According to our 'janney' mancheys... the Royal Massacre was orchestrated by the Amriki and the Indian government. Late King Birendra was about to sign some big-time contract with the Chinese government. I don't know what it was but it was BIG!

So, the Amriki and the Indian government decided to whack the whole family... and they got access to the Palace because there is an underground tunnel from Phora Durbar (The American Club) to the Naryanhiti Palace! So, a bunch of Marines decided to do the job and our Gyanu Uncle was just going along with the natak!

How come there are no conspiracy theories about our netas and how they don't seem to get whacked @ all?

All our government offices are now lighted up as if it's Diwali! Load-shedding ko bela... ma jhilli-milli batti balera hamrai taxpayer ko paisa sakhab garcha mora haroo!

Makune finally got what he wanted! And he is already kissing Desi arse! Don't blame him... that's the way it is! Janta nai bekoof bhaya pachi... neta lay kina mauj nagarnay! And didn't know our Communist leaders were into all this 'tantra-mantra' natak!

Who the @#$! cares if your pillow is facing East or West? What more can we expect from our leaders... if they can't make any decisions without the help of Jyotishiz and Desi Uncles!

And the joke of the day is :

When will our new constitution be ready?

Well, it's already ready already!
Really?
Yes, we will get it in the mail ... straight from Delhi!

(Nepali ma soonda hasoo-tcha... but Angrezi... I guess... lost in translation!)


Thursday, May 28, 2009

Mission Paisa!


First ... came Kaagbeni... then Sano Sansaar and now we have Mission Paisa! Key cha common koora ? Well, Nepal ko top music video directors haru lay banayako film haru and most of the ppl say 'It sucks... mein!'


I really wanted to go watch Kaagbeni but my latthu friend said, 'It's @#$!ing too slow that I had enough time to watch the movie and work on my Master's thesis @ the same time!'.... waaa! I guess that's what we call multi-tasking!

Bhusan Dhaaal used to be the coolest dude when he had his 'Sunday Pop' program on NTV! And he's done well for himself... as the main honcho for Kantipur TV, making 1.5 lakhs per month! Usko side-job music video banau-ney... he makes like 1-2 lakhs choo-t-tai!

But with Kaagbeni, Nobody could figure out if he was making a documentary or a feature film! So, I saved my 200 Rupees!

Then came... Sano Sansaar... another music video director, Alok Name-bang and nobody could figure out if he was making a music video or a feature film. Who the @#$! dances like that in KTM? Baroo... 90 minute ko 20 oh-taa music video bana-yera film ma halday hoonthyo!

And now , we have Mission Paisa by another great music video director Simos Soon-War! Either the MP team just watched Matrix only last year or they really want to give us an action-packed dhamaka!

MP is getting whacked in FaceBook. I think our KTM's young folks are having a blast ... bitch-slapping the MP team! Film jhoor bhaye pachi film jhoor cha bhanna pani napauney?

Soon ko thaal ma khana khaye pani.. khana nai jhoor bhaya pachi key soon key la-soon?

Anyways.. we have to thank our music video directors for whatever they thought they were doing... and maybe they should stick to them 'model naachney music videos' instead of wasting their time .... with feature films!

After all... why do you want to waste your time and energy, making a feature film when you can make few lakhs by doing a 3 minute music video? And it's a piece of cake too... euta model rakhdyo, halli-na pathau and then it's done!


Monday, May 25, 2009

News Nepal TV !


If your family is into this neta-giri stuff then you are one lucky bloke/ni! Just look at Salim Miya Ansari's kid! He is starting a new TV channel... News Nepal! According to our Kukhurachor Guptachar Bivag (KGB) agents, the investment is 100+ crores!


Where did this money come from? Maybe Ansari is related to them Mogul Emperors... u know the 'Khandaani' sampati natak or his father must have made $$$ during his UML days!

I have nothing against neta-kids becoz politics in Nepal is like getting a cushy job @ some investment bank in Bidhesh! Well, you will have to be really smart or maybe get your degree from them ivy leagues but to be a Nepali Neta, all u need to know is how to shoot, loot and boot!

Remember the three +oots or else you will just be another bhoot (zombie!) like most of us!

Well, if you are one of them Wall Street financial analyst then you might take home a million dollar bonus every Christmas but for our netas, everyday is Friday and you will end up making billions and you can BS all the time!

And if you are lucky enough to be born into a nautanaki neta-family then you are set for life!


News Nepal will go on air in the next few months. They have already hired so-called experienced Nepali crew and I wish them all the luck but isn't the TV market getting crowded or am I just another claustophobic wuss?

Loot-ay-ko dhun , foo-foo ko saradhya or something like that! We all have to start somewhere. Let's not blame the kids... usko bau lay choreko paisa tuh udau-noo pari halyo ni!

At the end of the day, our netas wanted to get rid of monarchy because they all wanted to be Emperors! Yes, Gyanu Uncle made tons of money with that 'mobile' company, Girija ko chori made millions and @#$!ed our National Airlines bad. And if our Ansari kid wants to be a media tycoon then why should we worry?

This is Nepal... our politicians wanna be business(wo)men and our bya-paaris wanna be politicians! I think David Letterman once said, "rappers wanna be gangsters and gangsters wanna be rappers!" or something like that!

Saturday, May 23, 2009

In God's Name ?



My prayers to our brothers & sisters ... Catholic Church, Dhobigat!

Makune is finally the Prime-Monster! His 93 year old Buda Bau is happy. Finally he can go to heaven and dance with the 72 virgins. Sorry... I think I read the wrong book!

Finally, we don't have to watch Ram Gopal Verma ko movie for them 'Police Encounter' natak! Either our gangsters are getting bold, firing @ our 'slimy' cops or our cops are now working over-time, as hit-men!

Prachu Uncle is mad! We are all sad ... and MJ once said, 'I'm bad' ...

KTM girls are now crazy with this 'tatoo' thing! Heard Miami Ink ko guys were here in KTM. Saaley Khuire haroo... how come they get laid everywhere they go? In my next life, I want to be a bhooka-tourist. Even if I am broke and haven't taken shower since Haley's comet... I would still get laid!

Jai Ho!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Rickshaw-wallah!


Monsoon has started early in Kathmandu. Folks are happy, more rain... less load shedding rey! But Terai is going to be flooded again and them bijuli ko tower will collapse and then it's back to square one!


Was walking around New York...sorry New Road and then paani purr-ing... no chaata! Didn't want to get wet and slippery so I decided to take a Rickshaw. The last time I was on a Rickshaw was when Kamal Thapa was a 'dada'! Well, he still is but then 100 Rupees would get you a round-trip taxi fare from Patan to Thamel and back!

My RickShaw-wallah was a funny bloke. I wanted to go to Thamel. He asked for 100 Rupees. Okay, ghaam ma badi hid-da kalo bhaye bhandai ma Indian tourist tuh hoina ni! It took me another 5 minutes to make both of us happy... 40 Rupees flat! No VAT or service charge!

Our Ricksy dai pays 10 rupees as 'union' money to our Maobaadis trade union. I think it's more like a 'protection' money! Yes, Mao Inc. is a one big Mafia Family! So, if you are not a part of the family or a friend of a friend then you are basically @#$!ed!

I guess when it comes to @#$!ing ... you have the 'basic' and 'premium' features as well! Don't know but Uncle Alberto once said, 'imagination is more important than Knowledge' ... I believe I can fly... not!

The Eagle finally landed. Still raining... the rickshaw pilot wanted to drink some local raksi... if he was a Bihari guy, he would probably settle for bhujia and tea but it's a Nepali thing. We spend more than we make and then we blame the dhotis for making all the moolah!

Total Bill : Rs 40 + raksi money !

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Overheard in KTM - 2


1. Cafe - Morning!

If only men were car parts.... then women would only want Lamborghinis!

Gurl 1:
Kasto keta mun parcha timilai?

Gurl 2:
Gentle exterior and khat-raa interior!

Gurl 1:
What if he has a gentle interior?

Gurl 2:
Tyaso bhaya deu-ta boyfriend huncha ni!


2. French Class - Afternoon!

Teacher :
Table male ki female ?

Boy :
Table tuh female nai hunu parcha!

Teacher :
Kina ni?

Boy :
Becoz table pani use garchau, ani female pani use....

Girl :
Saaley, yesko buddhi .. niyat nai kharab rahecha gadha ko!

Boy :
Timro boyfriend lai sodha-nuh... malai kina gaali garchau!

Girl :
Sir, table ta male nai ho ... becoz we use it and then dispose it!

Boy :
Okay you win!

Teacher :
Ha ! Ha ! Ha!


3. Cyber Cafe - Evening!

Jogi :
Baalak, kuch toh dey dey?

Man :
Hya... Baba pani, jahiley pani aucha!

Jogi :
Baalak, hamara to kaam hi yehi hai!

Man :
Baba, taplai pani chat garna sikai-dinchu!

Jogi :
Tum sirf paisa dey-doh , chat meh khood khaloonga!


4. Tandoori Restaurant - Late Evening!

Ramu :
Bhai, menu liya-ruh au!

Waiter :
Sir, Aja meenu bir-aa-mee cha!

Ramu :
Gadha, menu bhaneko, meenu bhancha!

Waiter :
Sir, kay drink garnay?

Ramu :
Euta Lemon Fanta !

Waiter comes back with an 'Orange' Fanta and a piece of lemon!

Ramu :
Kasto gua-chey rahe-cha... Lemon Fanta bhaneko!

Waiter:
Don't worry, sir.. kaagati pani la-yee-deko-choo!


Monday, May 18, 2009

RIP Prabhu!


Prabhu Dada is dead! I guess my chances of taking MIA out to dinner is... now zero! I will have to stick to paper planes! Saaley Bhate lay jhun cyanide khancha hola bhaneko... moro bhag-da-bhag-dai goli khaye-cha!

And our stupid politicians must be drinking too much 'local' twat (British friends, please ... I don't mean that!) or they are busy watching 'war' movies! If you are 18 then you will have to join the National Service or something like that! If everyone of our young kids join the army then I think we will end up with 601 different rajyas!

Our government doesn't have the dough to feed 100,000+ security folks and if we add up another 2 million then I guess... we will have to be happy, eating sisnu-paani and dhoonga-soup! And what about neta haru ko kids? What about them? Don't worry, our netas will come up with something to... help their kids NOT join the army!

I am totally against this so-called proposal... @#$! mandatory military service! We are not Israel... we are not cheap bastards! And we are not surrounded by angry muscle-mans! Our netas should stop chewing paan or magic mushroom or whatever they are having... becoz we won't be going to war with Priyanka Chopra or Zhāng Zǐyí !

Our netas have once again decided to play the 'musical' chair... Prachanda should learn a thing or two from Uncle Jungay... if you really want to be the Godfather then you have to wipe out the rival families! Tara khailey buddhi aunay.... these guys are worse than Amriki gangbangers and their drive-by shootings!

We all know that it wasn't the Maobaadi ko strength but hamro government (jo bhaye pani!) ko weakness lay and Desi bhai ko ah-sheer-baad lay... garda aaja pheri pahila kai natak dohori-dai cha! I don't give a @#$! about civilian supremacy shit where hamro police are the biggest chors around. Jaabo Police Force lai reform garna sakay-ko-chaina... desh nai reform garnay rey!

The Pancheys are still around, the bahu-dal-wallahs are back to 'khutta-taaning' and the Mao-baadis are busy bringing the village people to KTM for their 'Street' Andolan! Prachandu Uncle is right. Paisa bhanyena-bhaney... kehi pani hudaina... janta sanga pani lootnay, sarkaar sanga pani lootnay... himmat cha bhaney Bihar, UP ma gayera bank lootay hooncha!

Girija lay plane nai hijack garera Nepal ko 'thulo' neta, Prachu Uncle pani 'loot-paat' garera jhun thulo neta... Yes-tai taal ho bhaney ta Milan Chakre and Deepak Manange Brother haroo nai yo desh ko Pradhan-mantri hoonch hola 3000 B.S. maa!

And our uncle from Taplejoong once said... "Paisa jasari bhaya pani kamau, moorti becha, soorti becha, hatiyaar becha ... paisa kamau ani tyas pachi gau ma thulo mandir banau..., euta political party lai chanda diyera, ticket milau, tyaspachi... samaj-sewi ra neta!'

Tyas-Kaaran... ppl, go buy a color laser printer and start printing your own money! Rabi dai, a graphic designer tried it and got busted but risk ta linu paryo ni... so if you are a graphic designer and you do plan to get married to your childhood sweetheart then don't tell your future in-laws that you are a graphic designer!

Timi lai pani 'Nakkali note chaap-nay daaka bhun-laa!'

Thursday, May 14, 2009

How to drive a mo'bike?


KTM is the land of mo'bikes... everywhere u go, all u see is them bikes! I have nothing against the bike-wallahs but why do these folks drive around as if they own the freaking road or something?

If there is a traffic jam, then the bikers will be driving on the sidewalk and we, the pedestrians will have to ... I don't know, climb up the lamp-posts?

The bikers don't have to look left or right, they don't have to follow the traffic signals (unless there is a traffic cop somewhere!) and they can just zoom in and out of traffic. @#$! them ... nobody knows where they are going until the last moment.

I guess all our KTM bikes come without them indicator lights!

Yes, we live in a crazy world but the bikers are always in a hurry. They have to be somewhere... it's like if they don't make it on time then they will lose out on a billion dollar deal or something.

And most of the time, it's the bike-wallahs and micro-bus-wallahs who like bumping into each other. Both of them are in a hurry to be somewhere.. it's either the hospital or a single entry visa to Yama-Land!

We have seen ladies in their scooties but I always get turned on by ladies driving them so-called 'Keta ko' bike. Well, I do get turned on by ladies in uniform but let's not talk about our fetishes today!

Since my cousin is into this Nepali hip-hop thing , I decided to help him with writing a song and this is my take :

Ladies in the scooty
Shaking their booty
ooh! I want to drink some Frooti
and dance like Mithun Chakra-boorti
.....
Sir, Can you give me some Soorti
so that I can have some Phoorti
Yo! Yo! Yo!... something like that!

I just heard from my cousin. He tells me... I suck! and I should stick to what I do best... Nothing!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Child Labor!


The 'Tibetan' restaurant in my neighborhood is 'famous' for its momo, Chow Mein, Thukpa and tato-tato soup. The price is reasonable and the food is 'ajina-moto' value added stuff.

MSG does make your food testy! First it tests your taste buds and then it will test your digestive system!

The owner, an Amriki Green Card Holder decided to come back and throw his G-card in the Baagmati River! His restaurant sells 30,000 Rupees ko khana in a day! His profit is like 50%. He is making 72,000 US$ a year, tyo pani tax free... ani kay khana amrika ma basney!

I am happy for him and his family! But his employees are all 11 year olds from Pharping! And majority of the folks who visit his place for their 'afternoon' khaja are them 'we will save Nepal' NGO/INGO mancheys!

I have nothing against our Sahuji but I have asked him to send his employees to morning school so that at least they can learn their 'ABCs' and maybe sing that 'MJ' song as well!

I was having my usual 'Ek plate' momo and '1/2 plate chow mein'. Mero table ko najikai were them NGO-types talking about child labor and stuff!

Our 'ghajini' bhai (he's happy with his 'Aamir Khan' hair-cut!) was serving them. This guy asked for a 'tato' FANTA and our poor lad gave him a 'Chiso' FANTA! The guy got pissed and gave our 'Ghanjini' a lecture on customer service!

WTF? You want customer service @ a place where momo cost less than 50 Rupees! Five Star Hotel maa ta service chaina, saaley Bajiya!

I told our 'bhai' to take that 'FANTA' and then boil it and then serve him a 'Tato' FANTA! The NGO guy wanted to pick a fight with me!

Fool! This is my neighborhood. He musn't have heard the saying... "Afno tole maa ta syaal pani baag huncha!" So that means, I am a 'baag' in my tole as well!

"Tero NGO lay yo keta haru lai lagera padai-diya huncha ni... talai service chainay bhaye... Garden of Dreams ma jaa na bekoof... badi hero na-bun natra pheri bholi office ta yahi auna parcha... tero jaagir khana pani paudai-nash, ani yo momo ta khaya ko khaya ho.... saaley!"

Okay, it all started with a 'Tato' Fanta and nearly accelerated into a Tornado! I should have just enjoyed my momo and let that SOB be a hero or something!

Yestai ho yeha ko chalan! We like to pick on small people. KTM is full of Goliaths... David has moved out of the country becoz his 'goo-lay-lee' is useless! Hope David makes enough money to buy a bazooka!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Desi Prime Monster!


I always thought them Desi newspapers were good @ Bollywood stories but this one is even better! 'Ethnic Indian Madhav Nepal May Become Next PM' ... yes finally hamro desh ma, we are getting a Desi PM!

I guess it's about time... after all our netas speak better Hindi then Govinda and are always happy to get @#$!ed by Desi Bhais! The Indian patrakars are saying 'Makune is an Indian' and that's probably true!

After all, our 'poorkhas' either came from the land of the rotis or the land of the noodles! Either we look like Indians or Chinese .... so we all have some Imli-ka-achar or Soya-sauce somewhere in our system!

I have stopped believing in that fokate ko 'aba ta ramro huncha desh' dream. After all joon chor aa-ay pani tyati nai fohor! Tara Makune chor PM bhayo bhaney, hamro desh tuh joke hooncha!

This is the guy who lost from both Gau and Sahar. The people of Kathmandu didn't believe him and his Gauley brothers didn't want him either but I guess, this is Nepalese politics... where you don't have to win janata ko biswas to be the Prime Monster!

Bam Dev pani haryo tara he became the Deputy Prime Monster. And instead of opening the 'bandas', he was busy closing down KTM ko nite-life! And now Makune wants to lead us to .... I don't know where but it doesn't look good!

If UML really wants to be the rickshaw driver then Sahana Pradhan should be the next PM! She would have been the first 'Naari' President but thanks to our UML arseholes ... it was either Makune or koi-pani-na-hune!

And now it's the same story, it's either Makune or ... they will do a Andolan in Tinkune!

Our leaders talk about democracy and equal rights but afnai party bhitra chai, it's more like 'Them-so-crazy' therefore it's either my way or the 'always banda' highway!

Sisters, brothers who act like sisters and all of us should get together for a pot luck dinner or something @ Tundhikhel and do some BBQ (at least we will be burning something!) and sing some songs... please 'Desi gurl' chai na-gau hai!

For what? For an 'all-women' government! Sahana, Hisila, Pampha, Bidya and we can also invite Arzoo, Bandana and timro bhauju, mero maiju, usko saasu ... to form a new government and save us all!

If women can work together and climb Everest then I think they are capable of getting us all out of this mess!

What about the men? Bau ko jagga pani pau-nay, swasni ko dai-jo pani liney, ani ajai badi halla garney, bekoof!


Monday, May 11, 2009

Overheard in KTM!


My class teacher once said, "Jackass, open your eyes and listen but always shut your trap!"

1. Nepali Paris Hilton & saathi (Red Dingo):

I don't know if she has her own home videos but usko lagai, bolai chahi Paris sanga milnay!

NPH :
I went out with my friends and I forgot to call him no and he's so SENTI!


Saathi:
Chya tyasto SENTI sanga pani kay date garey ko?


NPH:
Pahila tuh Sahid Kapoor jasto lagthyo!


Saathi:
Ahilay-ni?


MPH:
Shakti Kapoor!


2. Micro-bus driver & saathi (Pulchowk):

Amrika maa tuh 'Yo Mama' jokes sunay-ko-thiye, Nepal ma chahi 'Yo Papa'.

M-BS:
Tero Bau, kati paisa dinay talai?


Saathi:
Asti Dashain ma lageko paisa Tero Bau-lay Tircha?


M-BS:
Saaley, Khaatay Dherai Kach Kach Nagar hai?


Saathi:
Tero Bau Khaatay
!

M-BS:
Ani Tero Bau ni?


Saathi:
Mero Bau ta India gaako 30 barsa bhayo, tyahi haryo budo tuh!


3. Marwari Sahu-ni & Pahadi man:

Pahadi Man:
Kay Ho, Sauni... ghan-taw bhaee-sakyo, tapai ko manchey carpet haalna ayana!


Marwari Sahu-ni:
Tapai lay paisa pachi dinchu bhanyo rey, hami chai kay yeha ghaas khana ayo ko?


Pahadi Man:
Mahiley Kaam Sakey pachi dinchu bhaney-thay ... aba tapai Nepal ma ahiley samma ghaas khayara ta basena hola?


4. Tam-poo Driver & Traffic Cop:

Traffic Cop:
Oh! Bahini, ali side lagnu ni


Tam-poo Driver:
Tapai Bicha bato ma kay khana baseko?


Traffic Cop:
Timro Aakha Bhuteko cha ki kya ho? Checking gareko dekhay-nuh?


Tam-poo Driver:
Afai Traffic Jam garcha, ani hamlai side laga-rey!


And the song of the day:

I think Yusuf Dai lay usko bhagwan ko lagi gaa-A-ko jasto cha tara hamro Mabaadi Karkykarta haru lai pani milcha hola!

This one is for our Mao-baadi come-raids, friends and lovers. Yes, we know... no matter what u will follow him blindly!


Sunday, May 10, 2009

Hindu Rastra!


Hindu Rastra.... Ek haun! But the banner read "HiIndu" ... I thought man... hami nepali haru pani creative hoona thalay ko cha! Ek hool Boka haru , mini TATA truck ma , 'Hi Indu!' bhandai karai-rahe ko cha! If your name is Indu then there are bunch of 'Hindu Halibans!' calling your name!


Lord Vishnu is now retired (although he does plan to make a comeback for another 'World Hindu Emperor' title) and living the 'good' life in Nagarjuna! Badel ko masu, GF sanga hasoo and sometimes he does catch a cold and goes 'Ha-ha-choo' ... okay I think I might have to come up with a Nepzie Hip-Hop Album this summer!

Our Mao-baddie leaders were against 'Bhagwan' and 'Daaru-pee-ing' but now they are busy wearing tikas, visiting 'Holy' temples and drinking whisky made by guys who like to wear dresses. Kilt pani ta dress nai ho ni, hoina ruh?

Every religion has 'na-ramro koora' ... yes, I am a pessimist... I would rather focus on the negative stuff than the good honey buns! If you are a muscle-maan then you can marry every other day. The good thing is you will be playing 'kung-fu' but too much 'kung-fu' can lead to bad spine and on top of that 'Badel' khayo bhaney ta... you will get bad swine as well.

So people, do not eat too much porkie and then go for a nookie because then your life might not be okie-dokie!

Our BJP folks are still angry @ our nepali bhai-netas. Gyanu is still the 'Hindu Raja' for our desi bhais! And for our come-raid(s), Prachu Dada is the 'Raja' ... but if you live in Kathmandu then you already know by now that 'hamro desh ma aba sabai Raja' ... kosai lay kosai lai tare-nay walla chaina!

Let's go back to the 22 / 24 kingdoms stuff. Then Upendra Yadav, Matrika Yadav and all them 'Indian' Nepalis can be Thakur Sahebs in their neighborhood and what about our Tharu brothers? I don't know ... but they really do know how to play with them 'long' sticks (talking about danda ... nothing to do with Grey's Anatomy?).

And Hitman Shakya can be the new 'Raja' of Newa Rajya! No, I am not making this up. That's his real name! Aba Dai ko naam nai 'Hitman' bhaya pachi, darau nai paryo ni! Hitman doesn't speak Newari but wants to be the next 'Malla' King of Naya-paal (New Tent!). I don't think Hitler knew Sanskrit and them Vedas stuff before he came up with that 'Nazi' logo?

Well, you don't have to speak the language or even belong to the same Ethnic group. We have Bhramins, incharge of 'Limbu' Rajya and Limbus incharge of 'Tharu' Rajya. I don't know what our Maobaddies are thinking but whatever they are thinking, they are thinking of fooling us all!

Fool ko Ankha maa... Fool nai sansar ra!


Friday, May 8, 2009

See the Sun Rise!


KTM is the 'holy' land of shortages! The 'Terai' bandh (just opened!) lay khaney-koora ko shortage. Krishna Prasad 'Lover Boy' Butt-huh-rye (with due respect to other 'good' bhattaraiz!) ko Melamchi lay paani ko shortage. NEA ka ghoosh-khori hakim lay 'bijuli' ko shortage!

And now, our banks are running out of 500 / 1000 Rupiya Bills! We all know that this is 'Halla-eee-Halla' ko desh and according to Kukhurachor Guptachar Bivag (KGB) agents, everyone is hoarding cash @ home!

I think my Uncle, Kung-fu-see-us once said, 'Okay lah, when crisis no, then opportunity, can can! Then he choked on mee goreng and went to heaven!

So 'happy days' are here again for our home-invasion engineers! Thanks to load shedding and hoarding cash, our crooks should break into as many homes as possible. Kathmandu ko business nai yestai cha.

Our netas 'paisa kama-ing' as much as they can because they don't know when they will be back in the driver's seat! And our chors should rob as much as they can because we don't know when this country will disappear from the face of this Earth!

And what's up with the 'IPO' BS? Sunrise Bank's IPO .... 375 million Rupees ko laagi but thanks to 'hungry investors' they raised like 10 billion! WTF... okay they will have to give it back but I guess you can make peanuts, playing with 9 billion Rupees in three months!

Aadha manchey haru ghar ma paisa lookau-nay, and the other half wants to get lucky with the stock market! Good luck guys, you are gonna get robbed either way!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Prachanda's X tape!


I think our own Sasha 'Fierce' is like them nautanki Amriki celebrities. Pamela, Paris, Kim ... ko X tape helped their careers and looks like this 'tape' has shown us that our Uncle is a very good actor!


I think his Joonga and 'mota-ay-ko' face will be a good fit for them Telugu, Tamil, Malayalam? movies! He should give Rajni, Kamal, Mamooty a run for their money! Wouln't it be fun to watch our Prachu Venkatesh RamanandaSwamy dancing with them voluptuous South Indian ladies?

Thank God we are Nepalese... if we weren't then our leaders would have probably committed suicide or disappeared from the public scene forever! But this is Nepal, where our leaders are crooks and we will continue to believe in them even if they make the same mistakes again and again!

I asked a cabbie if he still had faith in Prachanda... and he was like, "Yes, after all our leaders say the same stuff to their karya-kartaz!' Okay, Mr. Taxi Driver ... this guy seems to know more about how our leaders and political parties function than most of us, Kathmanduites!

Yes, it's the same story. When the Kangaroos came to power, they were acting like they hadn't eaten for 40 years! Okay, they were starving but if you eat too much then you will either have to take ENO, Hajmola or Pepto-Bismol... to make things right!

But we have to thank the UML for introducing 'Nepal Banda' and our mandalays for swinging both ways. And thank you , Maoists brothers and sisters for killing villagers, school teachers and their 'bomb all u can' campaign and let's not forget the Congressis for doing all they can to spend our taxpayers money to fight a war, we were never interested in!

Yes, Gyanu Uncle spent millions of dollars, traveling around the world and now Upendra Yadav is doing the same thing! Terai is open for business but our YCL brothers are back to looting and booting in them villages!

Our nation is @#$!ed and our so-called 'nagarik awaaz' are busy dancing around the President's office. Aba INGO ko dollar ta kharcha garnai paryo... police ko danda ek dui wata khaney ani Nobel Peace Prize jitnay sapana hola, Bajiya haroo ko!

Thank You, Mr. Prachanda. You have fooled us all... pahila chahi kati nai fool nagarey jasto. So if somebody out there wants to start a new revolution then learn from the Maoists... 7,000 daang-doong force is all u need to take over the country and then 'Afnai desh ko' paisa khayera 'Bhaley' Banney!

Hamro Neta, Raja, JarSaab, Hakim Saheb, sabai 'Bhaley' haru... Ani Hami ni? Hami Bhaley ko Daaana!

Now what's next? It's the same BS. Our leaders have only led themselves... it's time for the 'silent' majority to stand up and take our country back! Ab tyas ko lai paisa ta chahincha... Maobaadi lay sabai paisa lagi sakyo aba kaslai loot-nay hami lay?

Sunday, May 3, 2009

You are Fired...no?


I just don't get it... why the @#$! are our Maobaddies in such a hurry? Do they have to go somewhere ... like a hot date with Carla Bruni or Rakhi Sawant? I think our Mao-comrades have forgotten that 'all we want' is just a @#$!ing new constitution and that's it!


I am beginning to feel that our Maobaddies are into some kind of a cult and they are waiting for a mother spaceship to take them to their 'promised' land and before they board the flight, they want to destroy everything!

Yes, we don't want the Indian Priests making all the moolah @ our so-called Holy Pashupatinath Temple! We tried throwing them out and our Desi 'netas' were busy calling our so-called leaders and threatening them with 'Mai Tujhe Sarap Deta Hu!' and our 'No God'-wallahs had to bring back the 'Desi' pujaris!

Was it really about the 'Indian' priests or only about the dough? Then they asked the '8' Briggies to go home. But the Jur-saabs went to court and went back to their offices! And now, our 'Pee-pools' government would like to boot Cut-2-Wall out of office!

Yes, our Generals make billions and after they retire, they live like 'Dhir Shumshker' ko natiz but who doesn't? Our government officials have always been good @ stealing from the nation's coffer and it's not going to stop now because even our Maobadi scions are having fun, making billions!

Jungle ma hooda, wai wai khaney paisa thiya-nuh , aba ta wai wai factory kinney paisa cha!

Yes, Prachandu's good son, Prakash Dahal has already made millions and so has Krishna Mahara ko chora but hey... aroo neta ko chora haru lay moj garna paunay, yee-ni haru lay kina napaunay? That's what Democracy is all about ... oops, I forgot... our Maobaddies don't believe in Democracy!

General Rook-ie-Man-Dang-Doong (Sorry, I can never pronounce his first name!) Cut-2-Wall is probably the first Chief from "non-5-big- Bhai-Bhardar families" ... just because King Mahendra found a 16 year old , Gaulay Thito , hanging from a tree and singing 'nepali' geet and had his luck turned upside down by getting the opportunity to study and grow up in KTM doesn't mean he's a bad person!

All the (X)King's men are now Maobaddie Advisors... and nobody's complaining? Complan khanus, tandoo-rusta hunus!

Pyar Jung Thapa made billions.... Kasai lay kehi pani bhanena? Cut-2-Wall is retiring in few months but our Maobaddies just want him out right now because the second-man Lt. Gen Cool 'Brave' would retire before Cut-2-Wall and that would have screwed things up! So why are our Maobaddies so anxious to kick Cut-u-Wall out?

Well, Mr. Cool has promised Nanda Kishore Pun, 'Jar-Saab' ko phuli and then implement 30-year service in the Army... so all the Generals now would have to retire by this year and then who gets to become the Chief of the NA.... our Mao-brother Nanda Kishore Pun!

Yes, Pasang bro... lai Jur-nail banayara chandnay promise garyo, Cool dai lay ani kina 'Cloudy' Rambo, the Defence minister and our PM, choop lagera bas-thyo!

Ra Aja... our Maobaddies have finally decided to fire the Chief of the NA! And our comrades decide to bring out a 'victory' rally and the Kangaroos came out with their 'Virodh' rally and decided to bash each other! And our Kathmanduites all rushed home, fearing a 'curfew' or more daang doong!

Well, no curfew, no daang doong but why do these arseholes need to disrupt traffic? Valley Schools opened after four days and they had to close early again because we don't want kids in the middle of the 'Tyre Baalney ra dhoonga hanney karyakaram'...

The Maobadi ko sarkar dhalla jasto cha but they are happy that even if Cut-2 goes to the court and gets back his job for the next few months, they can tell their Mao-cadres... 'Hey , we tried .. it's not our fault... blame the President, opposition and nearly everybody else!'

Paani chaina, blame Melamchi. Batti Chaina, blame the 'SPA' ... terai bandha, blame ... the Tharus and now the President of Nepal is the 'new' Gyanu for our Maobaddies!

Yes, the army should be under civilian authority but will it ever be? We have sent Gyanu to Nagarjun and brought in 'Prachu' and before anyone thinks of sending him to Rolpa... he will burn everything.

Welcome to Nepo-mbo-dia... Pol Pot ta maryo ... aba Prachu-pat(h)! T.U. ko buda professori-haru lai ta baaki rakhena, Kalo mooshow lagai do bajiya haru lay... so if you have a good degree from Bidhesh, stay back... if you have a good 'Nepali' degree then run away to Canada or Australia or the UK... Yes, God Save the Queen!

I think I will be safe here. I don't have a job, I don't think I will get enough points to pack my bags and head to them commonwealth countries... so I will just stay put and wait for them to drag me to them villages.

I am not a member of the Maoist party but I really thought these guys would do something... well they are doing something but it's not what I thought they would do. I thought all them ghoos-khoris would be hanged, chor-daka-fata-ha hary lai goad-ney... tyas ko bau... the same ghoos-khors and chors are now part of the one big 'Mao' family!

They want to start another revolution because one man refuses to move out of his office! Euta Manchey ko laagi, hami sabai lai dhukha diney.. wah wah! I am also de-listing Manushi Bhattarai ko naam from my 'Top 10 Hot Nepzie Single Ladies' list!

I think I will go to Mumbai and try to hook up with Rakhi Sawant... Yes, darling ... I own Singha Durbar, my grandfather gave it to me for my 16th b'day! Neta hary Guff haknay, hami kina na haaknay, hoina?

At least I know most of her body parts are fake! There won't be any surprises... tara hamro Prachu Uncle lay ta haasi haasi hami lai faasi dinay bhayo!


Terai banda has @#$!ed up everything but our leaders aren't worried... they are all fighting with each other. Cut-2-Wall ko ta pension paki-halcha ... hamro ta tuako matra pakney bhayo!

Hamro 'Silent' Majority arko jooni samma silent nai basney bichar jasto cha! Mr. (X) Prime-Minister or hoonay-wala pheri 'Underground Dada' ... please think about 30 million Nepalese instead of worrying about pleasuring your 30,000 'so-called' freedom fighters!

The Koshi flood victims are still having a tough time. We are all suffering but kaslay sunney? Is There Anybody out there? Okay, I see a packet of paan paarag and chinese milk-chocolate. Yo khaya pani na-hoo-nay, tyo khaya pani na-hoo-nay... aja ta Badel khanu parla jasto cha!

Friday, May 1, 2009

May Day !


Happy Majdoor Diwas to all of our so-called Majdoor folks! Thanks to our Maobaadi folks, hamro majdoors are having a field day while our business-wallahs are like 'MayDay, MayDay... we are going down!' but there is no one to save them!

Yes, all trade unions should work to improve the conditions of the workers but our trade unions are nothing but cash cows for our political parties! If you are thinking of coming back and thinking of doing business in KTM then my 'guffadi' advice would be 'Please don't!'

GO Trekking, bungee-jumping or take some acid and dance all night @ the Last Resort' but don't even think about investing in your so-called dream project!


The problem in Nepal right now is ... you can hire all u want but if your business goes downhill then you can't fire coz if u do then our trade union-wallahs will come down and padlock your business! Yes, no negotiation, no baarta... either it's their way or the highway. But even the highway is closed... sabai thau maa banda!

So the best option would be to join a trade union, join your rival's business as a low-level worker, start an 'Andolan' and then take over the business! Yes, nothing has changed so far. Jasko Shakti, uskai bhakti!

If I ever get married and my wife happens to give birth to twins then I would probably name them Shakti and Bhakti!


Yes, we all know that workers are paid peanuts in Nepal but what the @#$! is our government doing? Paani, Batti, Khaney-kura pani provide garna sakdaina bhaney, ghanta ko ganatantra, loktantra ko guff haki-rakhe-ko?

And our Nepali workers are funny bunch... Nepal ma suko na-maar-ney tara Bidesh ma gaya-rey , 18 ghanta kaam garna sakcha! Even in KTM, if you want to build a house then it's much cheaper and reliable to hire 'Desi' workers. They will finish the job on time and they do their job but our 'Nepali' brothers are never satisfied with the so-called daily wages!

Yes, we all want more... and the only way to make money in KTM ... well, join a Mao-baadi union, show up for work, goof around and if your employer says, 'You are fired' then gather your 'friends' and burn down the place!

But the funny thing is that our big businesses are doing all the exploiting but it's the small businesses who are suffering from them 'union-wallahs' ... a friend of mine used to work for a media house for only 7,000 Rupees! I don't get it.... these arseholes invest 100 crores but they don't want to pay their employees and many of our so-called 'graduate' folks sometimes don't get paid for like three months!

If the Maobaadies really want to make a difference then instead of just sun-ka-ing factory workers, they should also look after the 'professional' workers who are actually making less than security guards and restaurant workers!

But who the @#$! is going to listen? Nepal maa 'banda' na garey samma , kasai ko bau lay sunney wala chaina? Terai has been 'banda' for the last 7 days... Kathmanduites are suffering but our politicians are still fighting with each other about the NA Army Chief!

Who the @#$! cares about the NA or the PLA? We just want baas, gaas and kaapas.... but looks like we will all have to go abroad (for a bun-baas) if we really want to survive!

And for folks like us, who have come back so that we thought we could make a difference... well, there's nothing we can do unless we join a political outfit and if we don't then we will spend the rest of our lives, bitching and whining while our rajniti-ma-lagey-ko chamchas haru will have a nice time, dining & wining!