Wednesday, December 31, 2008

2009 : Where R U going?


Bangladesh is back into this democracy game. It's the same thing. The same old players playing the same old game. Look at Pakistan. Mr. 10% is back in the driver's seat. Sri Lanka is still having their 25 year old soccer match between the LTTE and the government. Bhutan... well, they have a new King but the same old natak. India is still deciding how to respond to the Mumbai attacks. Nepal ... well, we don't know where we are heading but let's hope our leaders won't drive us off the cliff!


In Thailand, it's the battle between the Red and the Yellow shirts. The Israelis are busy bombing Gaza. 2009 doesn't look good but there isn't much we can do... we can just pray and hope for a better day, a better tomorrow and a better future for our children!

If it wasn't for the 2 million Nepali folks, who are working abroad... then Nepali economy would be in a much worse shape. We hear about our brothers in the Gulf being sent back home. Everybody is in a recession except Nepal. We have been in a recession since the 18th century.

The two leaders of the Himal Media attack are enjoying their stay @ the Jawlakhel Police station. The Nepal Police has always been a big joke. They are worse than the criminals. Well, it's not their fault. Yes, we need a whole load of reforms in this country and I think we should first start with our Cops!

The inspector @ Jawlakhel Police Station is a son of a Brahmin and a disgrace to his priestly class. Oops...forgot we are already secular! He drinks like a fish and is always exercising his 'karate' skills at midnight, drunk... beating up the drunks arrested by the police.

I think this would make a great comedy movie. A drunk policeman beating up the local drunks for being drunk! And Inspector Khanal also likes to hang out at dance restaurants. I guess, he must have links with the big boys because he hasn't been transferred to the villages like other officers. Everybody in town knows that he is one hell of a ghoos-khori but I guess, this is New Nepal. I thought the Maoists would skin him alive but No... it's always the little people who get their arses kicked.

When it comes to discipline, the Nepal Police should learn from their brothers with the Armed Police Force. The APF do their job well. The Nepal Police never do their job. The APF are more restrained, disciplined and have little opportunity to fatten their wallets. Whereas the Nepal Police still haven't changed since the 60s. They are a bunch of mean, foul-mouthed, drunk and corrupt SOBs! Sorry... but that's the fact. We should thank the Nepal Police and their brutality ,for without them... we would never have had a revolution every ten years.

Next revolution in Nepal: 2019 A.D. ... until then wishing u all a very Happy New Year and as Mr. Adams says "
May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions" :)

And song of the year goes to : I am a MalyaLee! (not Bruce Lee)


Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Business as usual!


21...45...63..82! Yes, 82 hours a week of load shedding. Come, Feb 2009, it's expected to go up to 100 hours a week! Nepali industries are closing down. You won't be seeing any SAFA Tempos anymore. Hospitals might have to close down. Yes, we don't need any Nepal Bandhs anymore. The whole Nepal is going to shut down soon.

Peter Pan (aka 'King of Pop') is dying. Well, that's what we hear. Putting his personal life aside, MJ will always be one of the greatest pop artist ever. Well, It's been more than 25 years since Thriller thrilled the whole world and even if MJ drops dead tomorrow, we can't deny the fact that his dance moves took the world by storm in the 80s.

What were we doing then? I don't know but our leaders are still showing us the same dance moves. Not much has changed. Talking about dance moves, you should watch the new dance 101 video from the movie, "Rab De Bana Jodi" ... Right left? leg front, front. Raise your arm like you ring the temple bell.

The Desis can come up with really stupid lyrics and it sounds like you are listening to VH1 Greatest Hits stuff. And if you can't dance, I think once you follow this song, you will be a terrific dancer as long as the DJ is playing the Bollywood re-mixes! Talking about DJs, KTM has 101 DJs and everybody seems to making few dineros. I am thinking of being a DJ myself. What should I call myself? Yes, names are very important.

"In order to become a great disk jockey (DJ) you must have an extensive knowledge of music, as well as the ability to lead a crowd. Charisma is a must, as is the ability to listen well and use equipment to make seamless transitions between tracks." wiki

Okay, there goes my dream of becoming a KTM-ma-chalney DJ! I have no knowledge of music/mixing. I can't lead a crowd. I am not a good listener. But I am really good at telling ppl to @#$! off! Does that help?

God! I think our politicians would make great DJs! How about DJ Pra(chanda), DJ Bab(u), DJ Grza ? and the list goes on. Instead of solving our problems, they can just play Hindi (Punjabi?) songs and make us dance all night. And who said Pappu can't dance.... saala!

A very Happy Losar... Lhochhar? to all of us!

Monday, December 29, 2008

Prince of Darkness !


Let's see the new load shedding schedule! Monday, Area #5... Lights go off @ 8 pm till 2 in the morning. Then two hours of electricity for a milk and cookie break and then go back to bed in the dark @ 4 am. We should thank the NEA for working over time to come up with this kind of a schedule.

Early to bed , Early to rise makes a (wo/)man healthy, wealthy and wise! I guess our NEA Engineers spent their childhood reading English fairy tales or something. This is worse than joining the (N)Army or the PLA! It's like going back to boarding school.

Where are you going for New Year's Eve? I don't know. If you want to hang out with a Britney Spears impersonator and maybe win a ticket to the UK then you should be @ Soaltee. Maybe you will meet former King, Mr. G dancing away his blues. Or if you can't dance then you need not worry... you can always join the Salsa club! It might be a little too late to show some spicy moves but you can be prepared for next year. Visit SalsaNepal.com and find out more!

Anyways... lotsa New Year parties around town! Thanks to NEA, there is a 6 hour break (in my area), from 8 pm till 2 am. So, I guess I will stay home this time! It's the same every year but my New Years' resolutions for 2009: Never to smoke again. To always think before I speak (especially with the ladies!). To start wearing lenses again (after 14 years)... I think my specs are turning off the female species! To build 18 pack abs (if there is such a thing... okay, I will settle for six or three!).

Okay, enough of these stupid resolutions. One thing I have to promise myself from now onwards is to think about the timing. My timing is always terrible. There is always a right time, right place for everything. I need to work on my timing. Yes, 2009. Be on time, before the train leaves.... whatever that means!

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Houston... we have a problem!


Was watching Sagarmatha TV. Kathmandu now has like 36 TV stations. Well, we have NTV, NTV2, Sagarmatha, ABC, Avenues, Kantipur... and now Tarai TV. Well, was watching this bloke on Sag TV, talking about Nepal's power crisis. I think he belonged to the private sector and must be a hydropower investor.

The good thing about our government is that at least, this government acknowledges that we do have a problem. Well, we have a whole lotta problems! It's a good start. How do we go about solving problems is a different story but to admit that we are @#$%ed is a very courageous act. It is? I guess so.

Anyways, the guy on Sag TV was very frank. He admitted that our business(wo/)men are no good. They only think about paying off our government officials. And our government officials are no good either. They are busy doing nothing. Nobody really cares about the country... all of us think about ourselves! Wow! We Nepalese are learning to be frank these days.

Everybody (the other political parties) is opposing the 'thermal plant' issue like it's some kind of a bubonic plague. Since nobody is thinking about 5-10-15 years from now, we do need whatever it takes to cut down the load shedding hours. And to get over this current power crisis stuff, thermal plant is the best option. Yes, it's going to be expensive and the government will have to subsidize it. But it's better for all of us.

We are currently facing all kinds of problems because our leaders, our sarakari hakims and other 'buddhi-jivis' had no plan or vision. Everybody was and is always busy raiding the national coffers. "Where there is no vision, the people perish!"
Proverbs 29:18

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Do our leaders need Viagra?


CIA agents are offering Viagra to Afghan warlords and it seems to be working. Maybe, we should all pitch in and buy our netas, bottles of Viagra so that they can function better for the coming year! What about our neta-nis? I don't know, it's cold winter and no electricity, how about pashmina shawls?

The Himal media attack is a big thing abroad. And so is today's blast near our international airport. But it's no news here in Kathmandu! A Hindi-speaking man, from Ranabir Sena says 'we did some dhamaka because we don't want Nepal as a secular state!'

What's the difference? Majority of our government holidays and festivals are Hindu Holidays! And our VP speaks Hindi. We all watch Indian Idol and now, we are even allowed to vote directly from Nepal.

Well, the Himal media attackers have surrendered. I don't know what that means. They will probably be drinking special Chiya (tea) inside a police station rather than the YCL camp! I guess everybody would rather spend our tax payers money.

I don't think they will be punished. For the last 240 years, brawns have ruled Nepal rather than brains and it doesn't look like, we will be changing that any time soon. In Nepal, fists rule! Instead of smoking hookah, we resort to mookahs!


The PM has decided to no longer attend any local functions. That's good news. He must be tired by now... running around like Flash Gordon. He needs to take some rest. Especially, those 1-ton flower garlands must have been a pain in his neck. His throat needs some rest as well.

Too much BT (Big Talk) and no action is equal to Nepali janata's painful reaction!

Oil Prices are down... down... down! But our micro-bus wallahs don't give a damn. Transporation fares haven't come down as the oil prices.
Even the government can't do a thing about it.

Welcome to New Nepal! Nobody is scared of anybody. Everybody can do whatever they want. Except if you are a dancer in a dance restaurant or a side-walk vendor or you like to gamble in Kathmandu's casinos. ..then... be very afraid. BamDev will bite your arse!

Friday, December 26, 2008

Ghoos-Khoris rule!

CIAA (Commission for Investigation of Abuse of Authority) has cleared Former Army Chief Pyar (Love) Jung Thapa from ghoos-khoring! Is this a joke? According to Kukhurachor Guptachar Bivag (KGB), Mr. Thapa made off with more than 10 million US$... from arms and ration deals during his time. Maybe the CIAA should change its name to "Can't Investigate Abuse of Authority"...

It was the same case with Govinda Raj Joshi, one of the most corrupted Kangressi netas of our time. But we shouldn't blame the CIAA folks. They do their job but our politicians and government officials are always one step ahead. The CIAA always fails to find any evidence because all the ill-gotten wealth is registered in the names of family members and relatives. And life goes on.

Mr. Madhav Nepal still dreams of becoming the PM of Nepal. He feels that the Maoists have shown that they are useless, and we need a (MK) Nepal to lead Nepal. Madhav should stop eating magic mushrooms! We should thank the UML for introducing Nepal Bandhs and chakka jaams in Nepal!

The folks who are making the DaasDhunga documentary were suprised when they visited the UML office and all the papers related to Madan Bhandari's death went missing. Who killed Madhan Bhandari? Well our KGB agents tell us that it was MK and KP Oli (who was having an affair with Mrs. B!).

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Santa Claus is comin' to town!

Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one horse open sleigh.

Christmas is here. I saw Santa Claus riding in a pickup truck, wishing Merry Christmas to Kathmanduites. We Nepalese love to party. Didn't know Christmas was a huge thing... parties everywhere!

And what about our Christmas presents? Well, the government has decided to increase the load shedding hours to 12-14 hours a day.

Our PM is afraid that since all the (former) King's men have turned into Maoists, we will be facing more mayhem in the days to come. When will this blame game end?

Today is Jesus' birthday. Happy Birthday J!

Hope we will all learn something from his life. Let us love each other!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Holy Cow! Lots of Vow!

It's exactly 7:38 pm. The government has vowed to bring the 'Himal Media' attackers to book. And the 'Himal Media' attackers have vowed to come up with a 'bigger attack' against the same media house. Wow! Everyone is vowing .... but at the end, the howling stops and no one is punished. This is Nepal. You can get away with anything, as long as you know someone upstairs. And, no I am not talking about God!

Our Youth Force brothers in Birgunj, are getting some warmth by burning newspapers. If this is the beginning of New Nepal then in few months, there won't be any newspapers to stay informed. I just heard a guy on his cell phone talking to his mate, "utthda pani line chaina, sudda pani line chaina."

Yesterday, the lights came on at 11 pm and went off at 12:30 till 6:30 in the morning. I think even the Pentagon folks would have a hard time, trying to figure out the NEA load shedding schedule. When 16 hours of load shedding starts, then it would be better for the NEA to publish 'lights on' schedule. This will save tax payers money because you don't need to place a big ad in the newspapers. Just write down, Area A, Monday , Lights on ... 6-8am. That's it.

Oh! I forgot. Since all the newspapers will be used for contributing to C02 emissions and no TV...I think FM stations will make a killing. And if FM stations are also attacked by immoral agents then we can always fall back on our traditional news source.... Ek Kaan , Do Kaan. After all this is the land of rumours and gossip.

Our media tells us that Indian Ambassador Mr. Sood (nice name) met with Mr. Gyanendra Shah at Soaltee Hotel. But according to Kukhurachor Guptachar Bivag (KGB) Mr. Sood was wearing a hood and this was not the first time... it was his second visit with Mr. G! What did they talk about? God knows! Maybe, They were just talking about Hyderbadi Biryani.

And now, Nepalese are talking about another prediction from some astrologer. There is always a second chance in a relationship... but G's forehead has a third, written on it. I don't think we need the media in Nepal. Nepalese are more informed than our patrakar folks! We don't even need the internet... maybe we are born with telepathic powers.

No water in the house... had to call up the water tanker guys. They put me on a three day waiting list. Since everyone is vowing, I vowed to pay him double. An hour later, the tanker arrived. God is great! No water, no electricity. I guess perfume sales will go up since everyone would be stinking!

WTF: Now, even our Tigers are fasting for a day. Must be the Ram Dev thing!

BTW, Merry Xmas Everybody !

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

We are the Champions!

Nepalese women are in the news again. Unlike us males.... our females are climbing Everest and now they have won the ACC U-19 Women's Championship! Congrats to our Nepali Naari Cricketers. They make us proud. But, we the Naaras are busy fighting with each other, burning newspapers and showing our street kung fu antics.

Dr. Yadav is a good person. When he was elected as the President, I went to visit him at his house in Bagdole and had a two minute 'Congrats' and 'Good Luck' conversation. This was before, he got all the President Bush like security. If only they (UML) weren't so stubborn, then we would have had a female President instead.

Yes, Sahana Pradhan for President! That would have been great but of course, this is Nepal and Nepalese politics is much worse than Laloo's Bihari buffaloes. At least, Laloo is doing a great job with the Indian Railways. Maybe, we should ask Laloo for his advice on how to make our NOC, NEA, NTC and KUKL more efficient.

Our sarkari (government) folks call the Nepal Oil Corporation... the 'Kuwait' of Nepal. Why? Well, even the peon has a mansion and just hope the GM doesn't have his own apartment in New York. The NEA...well, maybe they should hand us , free candles as New Year gifts.

Nepal Telecom officials get free phone, free internet, free shares and when we call someone, it's always busy or no connection. The Kathmandu Upatyaka Khanepani Limited (KUKL) wants to hike our water bills. I just don't get it. Of course, we can't blame these agencies. In Amrika, the FBI, CIA and NSA can't coordinate stuff... so let us not expect our oil, phone, electricty and water folks to get along and make it easier for us.

Let's get back to our female heroines... Congrats and hope one day, our country will have a female President, a female Prime Minister and a female Army Chief and all female sarkaari hakims. Maybe, then they can straighten our Nepali male-arses. In today's Naya Patrika, a wise guy says, "We Nepalese are good for nothing. We are the #1 Guffadi in South Asia. We don't take any risks. All we want is a job and our dreams are limited to owning a piece of land and building a house."

I don't know. Yes, I am very good at guffing. But I am a huge risk taker... therefore all my ventures have turned out to be successful failures. And I don't want a job because I am afraid that folks will find out that I have no skills at all. And thinking about buying a ropani and building a house in KTM is out of the question. I would rather wait for Bam Dev's promise to give us all land within two years!

Monday, December 22, 2008

When the remote control doesn't work!


It's exactly 7:40 pm. Our PM has lots of stuff to worry about. Before it was foreign agents and now it's immoral agents who have infiltrated into the Maoist party. I don't know much about foreign agents but yes, a lot of absar-baadi (opportunists) are raking in the moolah by using their 'Mao' links. Our PM has asked us all to fight against these "infiltrators" with determination. But the problem is ... how do we know who the bad guys are?

Gemini Supermarket in Jawlakhel was closed for a week. It is now back in business. According to Khukhurachor Guptachar Bivag (KGB): Gemini store in Bouddha was closed down by the Maoists but the employees in Jawlakhel were least bothered about it. But the Mao-infiltrators forced the Jawlakhel branch to close down as well. So who wins?

The owner won't be making any dinero and the employees won't get paid. But our KGB sources also tell us that Gemini weren't paying their staff much. Well, in Nepal... everybody is working for peanuts except if you get a NGO job then, you will make enough to afford a pizza @ the Roadhouse cafe.

In the coming months, load shedding hours will increase from 10 to 16 hours a day. Nowadays, even inverters aren't of any help because it doesn't get enough power to charge fully. Safa Tempo (electric ones) will be going out of business soon. Our xerox guy is now promoting his new business plan "Photocopy even when load shedding". He has bought a generator and is trying to stay afloat even if he has to spend more on diesel.

I admire these folks... small business owners , who risk their own capital unlike our business houses who receive millions of rupees in loans (with little collateral). Our small business folks are just trying to survive. They aren't making any profit. Well, maybe enough to survive but for how long? But who cares? NEA doesn't. Our government can't do much... because immoral agents are running amok, creating havoc everywhere.

Let us all pray, shiver in the cold and whine about the problems. After all, that's all we can do. And since our government is broke and is very good at begging... let us all hope that our government will beg for free Indian generators for Kathmanduites. That's much better than free Indian buses for our Constituent Assembly members.


Sunday, December 21, 2008

Promises are just promises!


It's exactly 4:57 pm. Nepalese colleges produce ultimate fighting machines. Maybe, they should hand out a Masters degree in tyre burning, dhunga-throwing, cracking each other's skull and so on. Congressi students and Revolutionary students are busy clashing with each other.

The YCLs and the YFs are at each other's throats. I guess, this is like a league game. We don't know when it ends but maybe someday, a Super Bowl champion will be declared. Or is it a never-ending championship?


Our Home minister Bam-Dev has promised land to all landless people within two years. And senior Maoist leader, Kiran has promised that Nepal will become people's republic within 1.5 years.

Lord Krishna once said, "Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river."

Sorry, I think I went too far in history. It was probably Nikita Khrushchev! A baldy Russian leader with a ladies name.

Freedom of speech and of the press .... this applies to our leaders only. They have the right to speak whatever comes to their mind and they write fairy tales in our newspapers. But if you speak or write against them, then better be prepared to wear a helmet, when you go to your office.

Let us pray for the folks @ Himal Media and wish them a speedy recovery. Why can't we all be friends? Why can't we sit down for a coffee and discuss our differences. Instead of resorting to violence, why can't these boxers write back to the editors and clarify their position. Why should everything end in cracked skulls and swollen lips?

I guess... the media should go back to the 'Panchayati ways'.. writing stories with hidden meanings and clues or maybe the media can publish magazines in Braille. Then, we can all take the braille reading course. After all, if you want to survive in New Nepal... then please be prepared to be deaf, dumb and blind.

Don't try to change Nepal. Let Nepal change you. In two years time, you will get a piece of land from Bam Dev. With the land prices skyrocketing, you will be a millionaire but six months before that the land will go back to the collective farms and you will be left with nothing. So, I say, "folks...dream on"

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Radio Ga Ga!

It's exactly 6:54 pm. Let's talk about FM stations here in KTM. We have 101 FM stations... not really but more than a dozen amigos vying for the same ears. Nepalese media laws are more liberal than our Desi bhais.

Indian FM stations are not allowed to broadcast any news whereas our FM stations will report anything, even if someone lost a khasi (goat) in the middle of nowhere. We also have a Christian radio station. India doesn't.

But thanks to desi-influence, Indian tourists will feel right at home as our FM stations play Bollywood music round the clock. We have the BBC service, so has the rest of the world but we also have Chinese radio programs where Chinese folks tell their folk stories in Nepali accents.

I am still trying to figure out if these storytellers are really Chinese or Nepalese themselves , speaking Nepali with a Chinese accent. I don't know. I am confused. And our RJs have their own accents. Some speak like they just arrived from down under. Some speak... English/Nepali/Hindi all mixed in one giant blender. And some don't have the faintest idea of what they are talking about.

But it's all good. Three cheers for all these folks who are working in the media business. Very low pay, no benefits , blabbering in a dungeon. Somebody should carry out a rescue mission.

A friend of mine is now working for one of these FM stations. He gets 5,000 rupees. And of course another 10,000 to get by (thanks to Papa!). If he stays with this company, then he will have to work for another 40 years to pay back his student loan.

So, children... don't spend 30Gs* getting your Masters degree in Fine Arts. Spend that 30Gs to travel the world and maybe publish a travelogue. And pray to Goddess Kali that it sells well, if not... go for a PhD!

*30Gs = approx. 2.2 million rupees or 60 billion Mugabe-dollars!

Friday, December 19, 2008

Let's go Nuclear!


It's exactly 9:19 pm. Once again, NEA is back with a bang. We will be living 16 hours in the dark zone in the coming months. Our politically-affiliated student bodies are busy disrupting traffic, clashing with each other and destroying public property.

Small businesses are reeling from these power cuts. Cyber shops, small restaurants, beauty parlors .... these folks will have to go to the Middle East and dig ditches if our government doesn't solve this power crisis stuff.

Maybe, our student unions should surround Singha Durbar, NEA office and maybe the Vice-President's residence (where the lights are always on!) to protest against these stupid power cuts. If the load shedding hours increase from 10 to 16 hours a day, then we can all turn off the lights and leave Kathmandu.

The government wants to build thermal plants. What we need is a nuclear plant?

Yes, you heard it right. This hydropower natak is nothing but a natak. Yes, we have both domestic and multi-national companies willing to invest in such projects but thanks to our government officials (hakim sahebs), nothing will work unless they receive hefty commissions.

If we can get China, India and the Americans to invest in a nuclear plant then maybe we will have electricity for all Nepalese. Let's call this venture NICA!

According to Bideshi experts, "
nuclear tech­nology is a proven, safe, affordable, and environmen­tally friendly energy source that can generate massive quantities of electricity with almost no atmospheric emissions."

And if there is a third world war, we can blow it up and play nuclear war games.

So let's not build these thermal plants... let's go nuclear! After all, everyone is...

WTF:
"Nude models brave cold to protest low pay"

Now that's the way to go. Maybe we should all carry out a torch rally in front of the NEA office and have a week-long 'Woodstock'-like festival! And maybe a few will be courageous enough to dance in the buff.


BTW, if the government was dead serious regarding the power cuts then they should hand out free thermal undies for us all so that we can get by without electricity. And what's up with the load shedding schedule?

Our government agencies should learn a thing or two about coordination. We should ask our Water corporation folks to change their water supply schedule. Paani auney tyam ma batti chaina, batti auney tyam ma paani audaina! But we keep on paying water, electricity bills as if we are swimming in a heated pool.

Acronym of the day:
NICA = National Ice Carving Association!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Medidate for ten hours a day!


Well, NEA (Nepal Electricity Authority) is back in the news. Electricity-Free environment will be extended from 45 to 63 hours per week. Maybe the USAID folks should hand out MREs rather than spending $$$ on short film competition to promote HIV/AIDS.

Nothing against our young film directors but Meal-Ready-to-Eat is what one would prefer rather than watching the films on telly. After all, no electricity... no microwave, no TV!

Catch me if you can! Indian Army folks are in Kathmandu, searching for an Indian Terrorist. Good luck, guys... thanks to our government, our Indian brothers like to play hide and seek in the capital. But when we go to India, all we can do is hide rather than seek.

After the Mumbai incident, the Desis are now busy harassing our brothers and sisters who travel to India for medical,work,vacation...

But as usual, our government doesn't care. Reminds of that Peter Pan song, "They don't really care about us." Or was it Michael Jackson?

Thanks to the new load shedding schedule, businesses as well as consumers will suffer a lot. Well, it can't get any worse than this...right! My friendly xerox guy is worried... 'thanks to NEA, my business will go down another 50%.' After all, he survives on photo copy and lamination services.

I think he should buy a stove and start selling milk tea as the customers stand around, reading the newspapers for free. I hope the customers will now pay for the tea and carry on with their free reading habit.

Ten hours of electricity-free time, six days a week. And on the seventh day, God made 'load shedding hours to 3 hrs only.'

The inverter dealers will once again make a killing. Most of us have solar-water heaters and it's about time, we tell the NEA to shove their high-voltage wires up their As. Solar electricity is the way to go. I hear the system is kinda expensive, something like 15,000 US dollars.

But don't u worry, we have USAID and other donor agencies. If they can spend 20 grand on a short film competition, 30 grand for a third gender beauty contest then maybe they can give us, the citizens, 1% interest loans to have a photovoltaic [?] system in our homes.

According to Khukhurachor Guptachar Bivag (KGB): The Yak&Yeti hotel owners made a killing with the World Bank 1% loans, never investing it in Nepal but around the world , in places like Tibet,Mumbai,Delhi,Singapore etc. So even if things go drown the drain in Nepal, these smart businessmen can hop a plane and then it's Adios Amigos!

On top of that, they burned down their kitchen, bought thousands of obsolete computer systems from the Indian Embassy and the insurance company got hit in the head with all these bogus claims. Way to go! The Nepalese business world is full of surprises. Look at Fulbari Resort!

WTF: So what are we going to do for ten hours a (electricity-free) day? I don't know... how about meditation? Anyone would like to try Vipassana?

Acronym of the day: MRE = Morons ready (to) eat ...
From politicians, to government officials, to small time contractors... these morons don't care about Nepal. All they care is how to make more dineros. Yes, baby... we live in a commission ko world, give your dough to Mr. 10% !

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Love Thy Neighbor


It's exactly 6:13 pm. Let's talk about irritating neighbors and jerky religious people. At 5:24 am, every morning without fail, the religious budi-aama (granny) (next door) rings her holy bell as if the world is on fire.

Playing religious tunes with your bell, inside your own room is not a bad idea but right on the terrace, for the whole world is ... a serious threat to world peace.

Someone should knock some sense into our heavenly lady! Folks spend millions of Rupees, building mansions like they live in 90210 but can't afford 70 rupees to buy a 200-watt bulb for the street lamp, in front of their homes. And our granny hands out thousands of rupees to holy men, for their Maha-Yagas but pays peanuts to her child-servant. Where is the love?

Hope she does find her stairway to heaven!

Then, I have the night watchman for a mobile company, who has to drink his special milk-tea from the local tea-shop @ 6 am sharp. Nothing wrong with some brew at the end of your shift but do you have to shout it loud and let the whole neighborhood know that you want your special tea with three spoons of sugar? Hearing it once is enough. I think the tea-lady need not be reminded of the same order, every freaking day.

Cut down on the sugar, buddy.... or type 2 diabetes is on its way!

At 6:30 am, my next door neighbor rises up healthy and wise. I know the bugger is healthy because as soon as he wakes up, his throat-clearing yogarexcise begins. For the next half an hour, lots of ugh,ooh,hey,hoo,hak,thu,khak,thu finally enables his system to be relieved of any toxins from yesterday.

And he is a very wise person and one of the members of the Kuhurachor Guptachar Bivag (KGB). According to my wise neighbor, the next world war will start from Nepal. Is that so? Yes, he's been following the news lately. The Chinese Army men are busy visiting Nepal. The British Army guy was here too. Something is brewing and nobody knows what it is but our KGB guy is already making plans.

Hope his bunker will be ready before Pakistan, India and China start their nuclear volleyball match!

WTF: Kathmandu International Mountain Film Festival (KIMFF) is over. Please take out the 'mountain'. How about International Film Festival...Yawn (IFFY). There should be no awards for the khuires (give them a shawl or something!). Give that 1500 dollars to a Nepali bloke or a bloke-ni! Not happy with winner of the best film: Nepal Panorama. Wasn't happy with the last year's winner (Forgive, Forget Not!) either.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Load Shedding 101


It's exactly 6:06pm. What happened? Load shedding should have started @ 6pm sharp. Somebody call the NEA (Nepal Electricity-FREE A-holes).

Just like Sugar-FREE! Instead of saying we have no electricity, it would be civilized to say we are 'Electricity-FREE'.

While everything else runs on Nepali time (which is always +1:45 of English time), the NEA load shedding schedule is always right on time. And who said our government folks were lazy? Let us not go into this 'water rich ... no lights' irritating theory.


Load shedding... more than 45 hours a week. Yippee! No, I am not smoking Manali ko hash.

Thanks to NEA, every winter ... Nepalese families eat, whine and laugh together. Why spend big bucks going out for a candlelit dinner? Why spend countless hours watching dumb Hindi serials? Let us go back to the good old days, when life was more peaceful, less hectic and stuff were affordable!

Well, everyone seems to have inverter these days.

According to the Kukhurachor Guptachar Bivag (KGB): The NEA and these inverter dealers are sleeping with each other. Not literally, of course but these two gangs are working together to leave us 'dancing in the dark'. Do you prefer Akon or 'The Boss' when u r dancing in the dark?

The best thing about Nepal: There is no dearth of conspiracy theories. A brand new day and a new conspiracy theory pops up from nowhere. It's like teenage pimples. But I am as old as Bilbo Baggins and still trying to fend off the pesky pimples.

1998: 90% of the folks believed that...
Gyanendra = Prachanda.

2008: 90% of the same folks now believe that....
Prachanda = __________ [?]

? = fill in the blank, depending on your party affiliation.

WTF: Miss Nepal... feel sorry for them! Just change the name like our Russian friends. How about Miss Constitution or Miss New Nepal! The first goes to Miss Universe, the second goes to Miss World and the third... Cyber Sansar!

Acronym of the day: SPAM = Seven Party Alliance + Maoists! There are many types of SPAM. From e-mail to luncheon meat and of course, Monty Python!

But now, we have more than 36 political parties. What should we call them if we put them all in one big baal-teen [bucket]?

Nid wyf yn y swyddfa ar hyn o bryd. Anfonwch unrhyw waith i'w gyfieithu!

What does this mean? It's Welsh for : "I am not in the office at the moment. Please send any work to be translated."

Monday, December 15, 2008

Bugging after a long time!


It's exactly 2:22am. A wise man once said, 'Old habits die hard.' I think it was 'Sir Mick' Jagger.

After many months of lights off @ 10pm, Count Dracula has made a comeback...again. And so has the 'MADE IN NEPAL' gastric problems. I guess, too much milk tea and no daal bhaat in the morning really helps.

I should quit smoking. I have been saying that since Martin Luther decided to protest against the church! I have to quit. I should quit. I must quit.

Loaned a guy 50Gs, and he ran off to Norway. Loaned another hero, 11Gs and he's off to Amrika tomorrow! Another long-lost friend got a 9Gs loan and I hear he's in Rehab. Hope someone gives me a loan now.

I plan to open up a meat shop. That's where the moolah is! According to my survery 0% of the butchers from KTM Valley would like to go overseas and make some extra dough. Or maybe sell apples and oranges. Either sell Billy the goat to BamDevs' or Lady Finger juice to RamDevs'.

After all these are the only two groups of people who are having all the fun these days! For the rest of us, we are waiting for our friends from another galaxy.

According to Khukhurachor Guptachar Bivag (KGB): A DSP was promoted to SP (before his time) because he always took BamDev's son for dinner at fancy places. Our men in blue are busy setting up check points @ 8 in the evening. And by 11pm, our finest are already drunk, tired and then they disappear.

Our "Sunday Pop' brother going 1-on-1 with Ian Martin, the UNMIN* honcho! Stick to music videos, please...

W's farewell tour: Size '10'. According to God, Bush said: "I didn't know what the guy said, but I saw his sole (soul)."

WTF: "US anti-kidnapping expert kidnapped in Mexico". What's next? US Drug Czar found coked out in a corner!

Acronym of the day: UNMIN = Unnecessary Men (and Women) in Nepal! No hard feelings, but can you guys please stop leaving your vehicles in the middle of the road? Yes, this is Nepal... anything goes but 'We're Nepalese, You're Not'.